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Your marriage after diagnosis - a delicate question

Discussion in 'Parents of Children with Type 1' started by sincity2003, May 5, 2014.

  1. sincity2003

    sincity2003 Approved members

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    After your child was diagnosed, did your marriage change at all? DH said something to me last night during a heated argument, and the timeframe goes back to DS' diagnosis. I'm just curious if others saw a change in their marriage or if maybe there was always a problem and the diagnosis just compounded those problems. Thanks in advance!
     
  2. nanhsot

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    I believe that a chronic disease diagnosis and all that entails changes the whole makeup of the family forever and ever. For some it's a positive change, for others it's negative, but it IS a change, IMO, and one that has ripples we often do not even see or recognize as connected to the original issue.

    Did my marriage change? Yes. Finances are more strained, I'm working more because of it, and that changes things.
     
  3. mamattorney

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    Oh yes, definitely. I would say it is not for the better, either. I've kept different hours since her diagnosis and we had some of our best conversations during that quiet time before bed when we used to be together. We've both recognize it and are attempting to fix it, but what used to be casual and natural is now feels scheduled, less frequent and forced. Not ideal by any means, but better than it was.
     
  4. kyles_mom

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    It contributed to the end of an already failing marriage. He had already checked out of the marriage before Kyles dx, which meant I was doing everything for the family anyway, and so when the DX came along, that just added to my load. I was absolutely miserable and made the difficult decision to end it. He had an issue with alcohol, which is pretty much why he checked out. The good news is, that he hasn't had a drink since (5 years) and I believe he's in a much better place now. He has Kyle 50% of the time, and he's a great dad. Unfortunately it was too late to save the marriage.
     
  5. sincity2003

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    Thank you all for answering. Different schedules, different expectations and while things weren't perfect prior, they've only seemed to get worse. I think he'd like to blame it on DS' diagnosis, but I can't let it go that easy.
     
  6. tom_ethansdad

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    Less sleep, more stress in several areas including finances and taking care of a child with a chronic illness, less time, harder to find a baby sitter that is trusted, etc. How can the addition of those things to life not change things. It comes down to how you and your spouse handle them. If the marriage was already in a bad place then adding stress is almost certainly going to make things worse. If the marriage was strong, then hopefully the couple will work together to handle the additional burdens placed on the relationship. Has our marriage been impacted? Of course. But we do our best to work together, to talk through things, to share the responsibility. As a result our marriage is still strong. There are of course challenges, but we try hard to work through those together in a positive manner.
     
  7. SarahKelly

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    I know it changed our marriage, but more so it just changed me. I never fully understood the comlexity of my husband's handling/managing his own t1d, however after being in charge of our sons care for the same medical condition it has forever changed my view on my husband. I wouldn't say it has made it easier, however all the research on marriage shows that kids alone make marriage difficult...so, I am not sure if it is hard because it is hard parenting anyways or if it is more hard because of t1d. I do know that our relationship has become more close, we have become better communicators and better responders to one anothers needs...so yes, defintely a change, but not for the worse in our house.
     
  8. rgcainmd

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    Our marriage had already passed the half-way mark on the road towards Sucksville before my daughter's T1D diagnosis. This became apparent to me when I saw my otherwise above-average husband "check out" (no drinking, drugs, or cheating to the best of my knowledge, thank goodness) whenever there was a medical issue or surgery with which to deal. My daughter with T1D has had several major orthopedic surgeries (and will need at least one more), an appendectomy, and two fractured arms (no, we do not beat or neglect her and I understand how someone who does not know us might wonder about this possibility). I've had 3 knee surgeries after a motor vehicle accident in which our stopped car (with my younger daughter strapped correctly into her car seat in the back seat) was hit at high speed by a Ford Bronco. When hospitals or ERs or other medical "stuff" are involved, my husband "checks out" mentally and often times physically (he "goes for a quick walk" and cannot be located for up to twelve hours). Why I thought our daughter's T1D would be any different shows what an idiot I am. T1D has clearly not done our marriage any favors. Who knows, even without T1D our marriage might have ended up in the same sorry spot it is in currently. But I don't need a crystal ball to see that T1D will not bring us closer together as time passes. At the risk of sounding like I'm feeling sorry for myself and my daughter (and quite honestly, I am feeling a little sorry for us lately) I don't expect our marriage will survive.
     
    Last edited: May 5, 2014
  9. ksartain

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    I guess I'm in the minority then. I feel like my son's diagnosis made mine and my husband's marriage stronger. We have learned to really lean on each other and have become even more of a team. It is tough, but we are each other's best friend and I think that makes it asker for us to handle the day to day management and any issues that arise.
     
  10. sszyszkiewicz

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  11. namegirl

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    This has been my experience as well. The diagnosis was shocking and jarring, of course, but beyond that diabetes has simply become part of our lives. It's an additional stress, I suppose, but lots of other things have been stressful, too (moving, difficult pregnancies, death of a parent, etc.).
     
  12. Beach bum

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    Agreed. I know for us, diabetes added another layer to our relationship. At times it's a good layer (making us stronger) other times, not so good (added stress). What it all boils down to is that any chronic condition brings it's own unique set of challenges to any relationship. Keeping the relationship healthy and working is all in how you as a team handle the situation. For example, my husband has a pretty high pressure job that requires him to put in long hours at times and he travels frequently. So, he's not around to do a lot of the daily tasks. But, when he's home he does as much as he can and he offers an endless flow of support. Am I going to say that our marriage is perfect, even with diabetes? Nope. But, we work at it and honestly, it's just another thing to add to the pile of life. It's all in how you communicate and manage, IMO.

    I have a friend who insists that my marriage is hurting because we don't get date night, time for myself, time for himself, time as a couple. No, my marriage isn't hurting, in fact it's pretty darn good. One thing we found with diabetes is that you learn to work with what you have. Date night? Honestly, no big deal. We do lunch when they are at school. Time for ourselves? We swap off. We make it work the best we can. Is it perfect? No, but is anything?
     
  13. GChick

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    I think my family was similar when I was the child with D. My dad was a fairly old fashioned fellow in that generally "the woman" raises the children and does the household duties etc... even though they both worked.

    After my diagnosis though, my mom eventually came to the point that she had to tell him that "Hey, you need to start helping here! I can't do this on my own!" and in a lot of ways, I think that was a good thing for our family.
     
  14. dpr

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    My wife completely fell apart after diagnoses for a very long time. It just about did us in. After digging out from just about rock bottom I think it has made us stronger in some ways.
     
  15. shannong

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    The first year after dx, it definitely made things worse. I was so stressed and sleep deprived and my husband was not helping out to the extent that I needed him to. But I'm sure now that he partly backed off because I was demanding a perfection from him that I now understand is not possible with diabetes. That has helped our marriage greatly. But I also raised my expectations in regards to him helping more, especially with waking up at night, which was killing me. Another positive has been the amount of time we spend together as a family. My husband took on coaching our son's hockey team so he could be on the bench with him and in general he does way more things with the kids.
     
  16. virgo39

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    Yes, and sadly not for the better. We are currently trying a trial separation (which is actually improving our relationship) and have been in counseling far too long. I would have expected the dx to bring us together in the same way another issue earlier in our marriage had.
     

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