- advertisement -

Would you tell your 4 year old she was going to die?

Discussion in 'Parents of Children with Type 1' started by Kyra's Mom, Jun 13, 2011.

  1. Kyra's Mom

    Kyra's Mom Approved members

    Joined:
    May 11, 2011
    Messages:
    18
    Ok I need a ruling becuause my DH and I have differnet view points on what to tell our 4 year old DD about diabetes. Recently a neighborhood kid told DD that she was going to die this was unrelated to diabetes it was some type of strange childhood conversation about life and death. My DH found DD crying about this conversation becuse she didn't want to die. After several weeks of conversation DD now understands that she is not going to die today. With that said DD was having a difficult time taking her insulin last night at bedtime. She was upset and stated she didn't want to take the injection becuse it burns. I was in her bedroom talking to her when DH come in and asked what was going on. I told him that DD did not want to take insulin and she was upset about it. DH then says to her "You will die without the insulin so take it", she continues to fuss and be upset and he then states "Fine we will just let you die" and walks out of the room. I was so upset about this and when I confonted DH and told him that this was inappropriate to tell her that she was going to die he just looked at me told me I was wrong there was nothing inappropriate he knows because he's a nurse. (He works in the OR) So can I get a ruling here, would you tell your 4 year old that she would die without insulin out of frustration because she doesn't want to take it? Do you find this to be inappropriate or some what abusive? DD asked me this morning if she was going to die today becuse she didn't want to take her insulin.
     
  2. Nancy in VA

    Nancy in VA Approved members

    Joined:
    Jul 16, 2007
    Messages:
    7,308
    Scare tactics like that aren't going to work.

    And, now the poor 4 year old thinks her Daddy wants her to die!

    Daddy needs to be smacked upside the head. He's an idiot.

    Sorry, I know, you married him - I shouldn't be calling him an idiot, but that's what he is in this case

    HE needs to address this with her in a calm manner, when its not bedtime and she's not stressed about getting her shot, about what's important to know about this disease (you need shots to stay healthy and if you don't have them, you could get sick), and that he does this BECAUSE he loves her and wants her to be safe and healthy and happy
     
  3. LizinTX

    LizinTX Approved members

    Joined:
    Sep 7, 2007
    Messages:
    1,177
    Yes, I think it was inappropriate, and yes, abusive since she is already having issues with death from the neighbor kid, and no I would not threaten her with death. That was uncaring and unfeeling. Your husband/nurse needs to work on his bedside manner--bigtime.

    I don't know how long you have been dealing with diabetes, but she is BABY!! At four, they can't rationalize out all of the consequences to their actions, they just know that if it hurts they don't want to do it. They need patience and understanding, not threats.

    Good luck, you do have your work cut out for you.
     
  4. fredntan2

    fredntan2 Approved members

    Joined:
    Apr 21, 2007
    Messages:
    2,930
    Emotions are probably petty high right now in your house.your dd was just dx in april. Im sure your husband realizes that was the wrong thing to say. Your under a lot of stress right now. I know I always recommend counseling. But it can't hurt right now. That first year our dd was dx ws so hard. I think I stayed mad at my DH.
     
  5. Lisa P.

    Lisa P. Approved members

    Joined:
    May 19, 2008
    Messages:
    5,380
    Heavens, no.

    O.k., let's take this apart! :)

    First, my kids at ages 4/5 all went through a really, really morbid phase. I saw it in their friends to a greater or lesser degree, also. They start to play death games. :eek: Freaked me out for child #1, now I know it's just developmental, and pretty universal, it's just processing the inputs around them and getting their questions answered. They don't understand death anywhere near fully at 4, they are just starting the inquiry. It helps at that point to have a belief system that you can begin teaching them so that they feel a structure is there to face the uncertainty with.

    Second, I'm hearing frustration about the shots and a lot more conversation than you probably should be having. Dart and dash, is the only way you can give a little kid a shot when she doesn't want one. We use the back of the arm, the fatty part, because I can secure the arm, squeeze the fatty tissue up, and give a shot and be gone before she can work herself into a tizzy if she feels like doing that that day. It's o.k. to discuss shots, how they make her feel, what she needs and wants -- but not when the shot is happening. Then she learns that the more she talks about it the longer she can delay the shot, and it actually makes the anticipation much, much worse for her. It seems heartless, but stick her and move on. :eek::(

    Your husband sounds like he got waaayy frustrated himself, felt helpless, through out his own fears to push her into behavior that would end the frustration for him, and got angry at her instead of the diabetes. A quick and dirty method will help him, too. He's feeling guilty for hurting his kid, and feeling like he has to justify himself to her, and then defending his poor choices because believing he just threatened his daughter with death if she didn't take pain would be pretty harsh. :( I sympathize, but he can't do that again. Make it your job to not let him be in a situation where he's tempted to. :(

    Now, let's talk about the burning part. Is this the long-acting? Lantus stings some kids more than Levemir does. We had little use for Levemir since it didn't last long enough for us, but that's one way to go. If you are giving the Lantus at night, you might want to move to morning (my preference for little kids that can go low from a Lantus peak, anyway) when she's not tired and sensitive already. Also, every time you can, make sure she's in range when she gets her Lantus shot. When my kid is 300, every whisper and touch irritates or hurts her, her nerves are all on end, so giving a burning shot at that time is just that much rougher and she'll remember the pain the next time a shot is due.

    Don't let, if possible, differing styles and turf wars make diabetes care a competition between you and your husband. Been there, done that, wish I hadn't. You can each learn from the other, if you can get over the hurt and pride. It's really, really hard -- many of us here have had to find a way to work with a spouse on diabetes care. But it can be done.

    Oh -- one other note -- sometimes it made my kid feel better to see me stick myself (or even let her do it to me! not injecting anything, of course) when she got a shot. Sounds like your husband might want to take a "man up" approach to teaching her, he can do that by letting her stick a syringe into him while she's getting her shot! :eek: Sounds weird, but it's a distraction and makes the event a together thing!

    Good luck!
     
  6. mommabear

    mommabear Approved members

    Joined:
    Mar 25, 2011
    Messages:
    469
    This would make me so furious!:mad: I think that it was extremely INAPPROPRAITE. So sorry..I do hope that things get better for you guys and your little one.This is a very hard time for her,and you guys and she is quite young to understand everything..
     
  7. KyleBugsMom

    KyleBugsMom Approved members

    Joined:
    Sep 13, 2009
    Messages:
    200
    4 is way too young to contemplate their own mortality. We have Kyle on a "need to know" basis. We don't tell Kyle when he is dangerously low or when he's higher then we want and we DO NOT tell him we had to resort to glucagon when he was asleep - he doesn't NEED to know that. He does know that he will get sick without insulin, but death does not enter into that conversation - no need to scare him. We try to keep all emotion out of his treatment - HE can't control anything, yet, so why stress him out with it? That does no good. I'm sure your DuH was frustrated, but you have to take that frustration behind closed doors - she is too young to deal with that. Your husband may be a nurse, but it's different when you are dealing with your own child. Talk to him when things are calm and y'all come up with a game plan - use "fun" words to convince her to get her injections, keep emotions in check until you can be alone (away from DD), heck, bribe her if you must - dx was not that long ago - maybe she needs to associate insulin injections with something "happy"; most of all, agree that she will not be threatened with death. It may take some creativity, but you can make D treatment a positive experience for her.
     
  8. mommabear

    mommabear Approved members

    Joined:
    Mar 25, 2011
    Messages:
    469
    Very well said..:cwds:I wish cwd had a like button
     
  9. KRenee

    KRenee Approved members

    Joined:
    Jul 23, 2008
    Messages:
    322
    Your husband sounds like my husband - if it's true in his mind it's okay to say.

    Put your foot down and tell him to never again say such an awful thing to a young child.
     
  10. kimmcannally

    kimmcannally Approved members

    Joined:
    Feb 28, 2010
    Messages:
    1,356
    I would really not want your husband being my nurse! I know he is an OR nurse and no bedside manner required I suppose. But he needs to develop one for his DD. Yep, that was abusive. Sounds just like my DH.

    I think everyone else has really covered what to do to help your DD. I have heard Lantus burns more than Levemir. If you do switch her to Levemir, she may have to have two shots of it, though - one morning and one night. It doesn't seem to last as long for a lot of kids.

    Are you using the smallest needle possible? I've read on here about people keeping a spoon in the freezer, to put the frozen back of the spoon on skin and numb it before shots.

    You can also look into an inject-ez (spelling?) or an I-port. We thought about the I-port http://www.i-port.com/advance.php
    It looks like they are coming out with a new one that looks remarkably like an inset infusion set "in the box".
    You insert it and then put all the shots into it, so your kid doesn't get the stick every time. It lasts three days (my guess) so it's one stick every three days instead of multiple sticks daily.

    I do recall, though, you can't use the I-port for both long lasting and short acting insulin - they can't be mixed, so you have to choose which one you want to put in the port. Unless you want to have her wear two ports, I guess.

    If you can get her on a pump, that is a great way to handle it too. It's one infusion set every three days. No more needles at all, except during the site change.
     
  11. denise3099

    denise3099 Approved members

    Joined:
    Jul 31, 2009
    Messages:
    1,757
    Yes your dh stepped way over the line in his frustration. When you're both calm explain to him that you absolutely CANNOT scare you dd into taking her shots.

    Right now though you need to do some damage control. When she asks just smile and say, "Of course you aren't going to die! I mean, sure you can die from not getting insulin, and you can die from not getting food, you can die from not getting water, but it's not like walking in front of a truck! We give you insulin and take care of you so you'll live a very long healthy life and so you'll feel good and not get sick. But you are going to grow to be a very very old lady with lots of children and grandchildren and great grandchildren and will live for a very very long time! That daddy is just being silly b/c he gets upset and wants you to be healthy and strong and he wants to take super good care of you. But don't you worry about a thing!!!"
     
  12. frizzyrazzy

    frizzyrazzy Approved members

    Joined:
    Dec 23, 2006
    Messages:
    14,141
    no

    yes. You have to ask? This is one of those posts where I can only hope that you're embellishing the story a bit because I can't even begin to imagine how a parent could be so cruel to a 4 year old.
     
  13. Becky Stevens mom

    Becky Stevens mom Approved members

    Joined:
    Oct 14, 2008
    Messages:
    8,719
    Does your husband genuinely not understand what he did? How what Mom or Dad say is THE TRUTH. I put that in big letters because we are the keepers of THE TRUTH. Children depend on us for that, to show them and help them through life by being honest but not scaring the heck out of them and making them fearful of their own bodies or their own diseases:( I dont think I would say that to an adult CWD of mine. Its not necessary and wont accomplish anything except to make her terrified of that fact that she has diabetes. Its not her fault. Its not her fault that shes fearful or that the shots hurt. There are several ways to make the shots less painful. Let us know if youd like us to go over them with you.
     
  14. MamaC

    MamaC Approved members

    Joined:
    Dec 9, 2006
    Messages:
    5,292
    Diabetes or not...what parent (well, apparently your husband) tells a 4 year old (or any other child), "Fine we will just let you die"?
     
  15. StillMamamia

    StillMamamia Approved members

    Joined:
    Nov 21, 2007
    Messages:
    13,195
    No, you don't tell this to a little kid. Why would someone do that?:(

    Scare tactics do NOT work most of the time. PATIENCE and the willingness to figure out POSITIVE ways to deal with a scared little kid work. I hope you both find a way to do this.
     
  16. Lee

    Lee Approved members

    Joined:
    Oct 5, 2006
    Messages:
    9,633
    I am shocked that any parent would tell their child this. I wouldn't tell my teenagers this, much less a toddler.

    I am really shocked...and I hope this was a fluke and not a flaw of your husband's personality.
     
  17. wilf

    wilf Approved members

    Joined:
    Aug 27, 2007
    Messages:
    9,652
    The only thing I can say in response to this is that it is high time for your husband to attend some parenting classes AND anger management counselling. There is no excuse for his behavior. None.
     
  18. caspi

    caspi Approved members

    Joined:
    Oct 11, 2006
    Messages:
    5,134
    I'm not trying to be rude here, but do you seriously need a ruling here?? Can you not see that what your husband said was cruel and abusive? Someone mentioned anger management classes for your husband. Perhaps parenting classes would be in order for you as well if you can't see the writing on the wall here. I'm so sorry your little girl has to go through this. It breaks my heart.... :(
     
  19. fredntan2

    fredntan2 Approved members

    Joined:
    Apr 21, 2007
    Messages:
    2,930
    Wow very well said, wish we had A kudos button
     
  20. pianoplayer4

    pianoplayer4 Approved members

    Joined:
    Feb 13, 2010
    Messages:
    1,060
    ummm, I don't think that the OP was not sure if its was ok to tel her child that she will die, I think she was venting/try to get advice on HOW to handel the situation.

    I would sit your husband down and explain that he needs to come up with something else to say when he if frusterated, like " you need to take that because it keeps you healthy"
     

Share This Page

- advertisement -

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice