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Unsupportive Husband

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by spartanmom, May 11, 2006.

  1. spartanmom

    spartanmom Approved members

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    I was just wondering how involved everyone's spouse is in the care and knowledge of your diabetic kids. My seventeen year old son was dx'd in November 2005, since then my husband has been in what I feel is denial. This is making things very difficult at home. My husband has not attended one class, read a single book or made any attempt to learn about diabetes. I realize that my son is the one who must learn to totally manage this disease (he plans to leave for college in September, but I feel my son will always need support (emotional and knowledge) at some time and how can my husband support my son if he does not understand diabetes? I have given my husband books to read, he has not read any. He refused to attend any classes with us. I don't know what to do anymore. My son has adjusted as well as can be expected for a newly dx'd high school senior. My son seems to accept that my husband is uninvolved. Any advice?
     
  2. allisa

    allisa Approved members

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    Not to be too personal, but is your husband supportive and involved in all other aspects of your family life ? Does he attend School things and is he involved in regular doctor / dental visits and decisions ?

    Unfortunatley in some families "duties" such as this are regulated to only one spouse.....is your family like this ? If so, I guess it couldn't be too much of a shock that he is also uninvolved with this.

    If however, he is usually very involoved then yes you could be right that he is in denial and perhaps could benefit from some talking to your sons doctors....maybe you don't go at all to the next appointment and have your husband go, so that he can see how much is involved with the management.

    I, unfortuanately had a non-supportive husband in EVREY aspect of our marriage....we are since divorced and sadly my children now have a very unsupprtovie dad......

    So I know how frustrating and overwhelming it is....best of luck....and hopefully all will turn around for you !
    Allisa
     
  3. T_Adelaide

    T_Adelaide Approved members

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    Spartanmom I think it's just too hard for some people!!!
    My husband goes to all our daughter's doctors visits but has not read any books, nor does he help much with it at home (including not reminding our daughter to bolus if I go out ..... AFTER reminding him! Grrr). At least in your son's case he is older, our daughter is only 10!
    You are not alone!
     
  4. leslie91879

    leslie91879 Approved members

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    my parents and grandparents took care of me equally my mom's parents went to the classes with my parents and my other set already knew what to do since my granddad was T1 as well and my grandma worked in a doctor's office. so I guess when it comes to family support I couldnt have gotten anything better.
     
  5. Ellen

    Ellen Senior Member

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    No one should give up and give their husband permission to remain uninolved. It's vital that husbands be involved and understand the day to day management of diabetes etc. Find a family therapist if that's what's necessary.

    What if we're NOT here for our children for whatever reason? Our children need to be able to rely on their fathers as well as their mothers.
     
  6. lisamomtotwins

    lisamomtotwins Approved members

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    Very well said Ellen. I agree. Your husband needs to be involved, it is not fair to put the full burdon on you. Marriage is 50 50!
     
  7. zimbie45

    zimbie45 Approved members

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    hi

    Sorry to hear you are having such difficulties with him.... I agree with many of the other mom's, that its 50/50 and he should be involved, but reality is that not all marriage adn familys are the same and dont handle things this way, Also every one handles things diffrently and its a matter of finding out why he doesnt want to learn adn work with that... I think the worst thing to do is "force" the issue... I have a few suggestions, there are a few dads on the parents sections, private message them or post to them for possibel suggestion.. they are dads' and supportive ones.. they may have great ideas.. also maybe if your son adn hubby have a heart to heart ( i know proble very difficult for either one) but it may open up a door fo rthem adn get your hubby involved... I know its difficult.. My hubby has always been supportive, but has not always understood.. .. first it was a lot of fighting cause to me its plan and simple... my hubbys a creature of habits and they are hard to break, and he felt on somethings " whats the big deal if...." its difficult.... I talked to him, my diabetes team and finally hes gotten it ( he still has a few hubby moments but his kids are top priority) your son needs his dad and you need him too...
     
  8. kates mom

    kates mom New Member

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    Well as all you moms know care giving does fall upon us to a greater extent. I have a great husband and he's a great father but I think this was totally over whelming for him (and me) but moms carry on. My husband never read a book either (drove me crazy). Maybe he is just overwhelmed also. Yes 50-50 is great but sometimes its 60-40 and being supportive of each other and your son is the most important thing. But and this is a big BUT I would not let your husbands lack of interest or fear jeporadize your sons health or emotional well being. The roller coaster of this disease never ends and you son needs to be in a good place with good support.
     
  9. fulljef

    fulljef Approved members

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    Unsupportative Husband

    Hello, all!

    I'm a husband our son was Diagnosed in 2001 @ 7. My wife was over whelmed but I know when we got the diagnoses she would not be able to aissist much. See Depression runs in her family and it had already started takening over her life in 1999. I travel alot and my son has never trusted her to care for him. She cannot work the blood sugar meeter and there's no way she could ever figure out the pump. My wife is a wounderful person full of love and would do anything she could to help anyone. But depression keeps her from beeing a mother like the ones I've seen here!

    Care is there for forced on me so when I travel it's just like I'm there Cell phone rings and it's not my wife it's my son @ 13 now he still trusts me and no matter what happens I'm the first one called. He can pretty well do it all. But get's occupied and needs to be reminded which mom cannot do, I've left care insturctions and everything but it just cannot be accomplished.

    I know when our son was diagnosed I was mad, frustrated and cheated. And above all MAD at GOD!!(Yes I've read JOB and I'm not even as good as him!) My sons life was destroied and I as DAD could not do anything to make it any better. You know men don't show emotions and least of all do we ever talk about them or how we feel. Since my wife has depression I hid it even more becuase I could be the cause that brings on a depresses episod for her; actually this has happened often so I know how to avoid these now...

    I really would like to get a break and let someone else help him manage it for a while but when I'm out of town bad things happen... The last time he woke up with ketones and mom took him to school becuase he didn't want to call me and me find out he had detention for some stupid reason... But when I called I knew something was up... So I got the information and had mom go pick him up at work... We treated it over 2000 miles I happended to be in DC lobbing and I used this to show what living with diabetes is like... Not only are our children fighting the disease but we as parents are also fighting it!

    Years ago I never believed in depression but it's real and when it it's them they can do nothing to get out of it...We go through the peaks and the valleys and even with medication it's no cake walk.

    I really believe that some people can handle this disease and some cannot I hope that someday I'll get my blessing untill then seeing my son alive and well everyday and having my wife involved in our lives is what keeps me going.

    Your son beeing 17 is going to have it's own challenges as our son has already started the break away from mom I'm sure that yours has already done this and trying to build that trusting relationship is really going to be hard... He no longer wants mom nor dad, he's looking to girl friends to replace that bond. Don't give up! Find something that makes you get up everyday and live life for you... Just maybe your husband could get help in a counceling secession. Ask him to go with you, that you need some help maybe on that premise you'll find out something that you both are feeling and can help... We've been in counceling several times and I've meet with her Physcologist in a weird way it's helped me understand what she's going through, Now if I could only pass along what I'm going through without affecting her Depression... NOPE not going to do it... It's not worth the potential problems it would cause.

    Left me know if I can help I think Husbands to be a great me involved!!!!

    Jeff
     
  10. Pammers

    Pammers Approved members

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    I think one spouse tends to be the one that is more "in control". Sometines its the mom, sometimes the dad. My hubby and I tend to switch off. I mostly take charge of Joey's care (my hub also refuses to read, he says "If its important, the doctor will tell us about it" LOL!!!!). But hubby takes care of the frustrating phone calls to doctors and insurance companies - cause that really freaks me out and sends me into a tailspin when people are incompetent and it affects my kid.

    The one thing I can add Spartanmom, is that you should explain to your husband that you are concerned that if anything should happen to you he needs to have this knowledge so that he can assume your role. In my case, hubby would be "adequate" but would definitely take a while to get up to full speed (kinda like I did when Joey was first dx'd).

    It may take a while, but I'm sure in time you will be able to sway him. Our kids are our best accomplishment and they will need us FOREVER to support and encourage and, yes, sometimes to be caregivers well after they've grown up.
     

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