- advertisement -

Trusting my husband...and being The Bad Guy

Discussion in 'Spouses and Significant Others' started by Rocky Mountain Mom, Jul 19, 2011.

  1. momof2greatkids

    momof2greatkids Approved members

    Joined:
    Jan 4, 2011
    Messages:
    256
    As you can see from my siggy, my DH and DD both have diabetes so I have an idea of where you?re coming from. Like you, I?m the primarily responsible for my DD?s diabetes care.

    You said that you are concerned with your DH?s lying about is diabetes management. Is it specific to the situation where your husband was 44 and said he was fine, or are there other situations? If there are other situations, were they all instances where he was low and not taking care of the low, or saying he was fine when he wasn?t? The reason I ask is because sometimes when my DH is really low, he only gives one-word responses to my questions. Sometimes it takes awhile for me to catch on, but then I realize that while he is responding to my questions with an answer that works, he isn?t really comprehending what I?m asking, so in those cases he isn?t really lying or being deceptive. Also, while the working on the A/C at 1:00 a.m. sounds weird, I could totally see my DH doing that same thing when really low. It?s almost like when he?s going low, he?s compelled to focus on something that causes him frustration and confusion, and because of the low, he gets more agitated.

    Has your DH taken care of the kids or gone on trips with them before your son was diagnosed, did he have any problems he couldn?t handle then? If not, I would think the camping trip might be a good thing for him and your son. Would there be cell phone reception where they would be?

    Maybe you can slowly get him more involved in your son?s D care, by asking his opinion on things like corrections, carb estimates for meals (I?m always amazed at how close my DH can be by just eyeballing a plate!), and just bouncing ideas from the doctor?s visits off of him. It shouldn?t take him long to get up to speed since he understands it ? he would just need to know the specifics for your son.

    I know what you mean when you say he doesn?t care for himself as well as he should. My husband is the same way. I don?t know that he ever re-tests 15 ? 20 minutes after a low ? unless maybe he was really low, and is getting ready to go to bed. He also doesn?t always test before meals, and I know my daughter notices. She understands the importance of doing things the way do them for her, though. I try to remind myself that he has lived this 24/7 for the last 32 years. Unless there is something he?s going to do that could be dangerous, I try to let it go.

    This forum can be such a valuable resource. Although most of the people here aren?t in the same position, they still have great information to share. Even though I?ve heard from my husband what it?s like to live with D, the perspectives of other PWD really validates what he says and gives me a better glimpse into the challenges that he, and now my daughter, live with. Most may not know exactly what you?re going through, but have a better understanding, and unique point of view that you can?t get from family and friends.

    Having a spouse and a child with D offers unique struggles, but also gives them a great opportunity to support each other. Wishing you the best of luck!
     
  2. smcnair

    smcnair Approved members

    Joined:
    May 2, 2011
    Messages:
    64
    Both my son and I have diabetes and as I was reading this thread one thing was running through my mind, and Tori summed it up in the previous post. . .is it lying or being deceptive when you don't actually comprehend OR when you THINK you're ok when you're probably not.

    Shortly after our son was born last year, my husband awoke to find me lying half across my side of the bed and hanging over the side. He asked me if I was ok but got no response. He got up and checked my monitor which was on the dresser - sugar was 1.3 if I remember correctly. Before going to bed that night we had been on the phone talking to some health service nurse regarding our son who had a hole in his heart and was congested. My husband, not really knowing what to do because this was the first time something like this had happened, picked up the phone and hit redial. He was told by the person that answered, that this service only dealt with children, and he would have to call a hospital (not exactly helpful and being a nurse she could have just told him to give me some sugar, etc). Anyways, he tested my sugar again and it was LO. He went downstairs and got a big glass of juice and brought up and managed to get me to drink it. He retested my sugar a few minutes later and it was over 2. He went and got another glass of juice which I also drank. Then our son woke up and he went across the hallway to try and settle him as I was starting to come around. A few minutes later when I was what I'd call half awake and realized I was sitting on the bed I called out to him and he asked me if I was ok and I said yes, which even at that point my sugar wasn't up enough to call 'normal' but I felt 'ok' and I wasn't lying! At that point I couldn't really remember anything that had happened and it wasn't until about a half hour later and I was fully awake that I started to remember what had happened. I remember waking up and testing my sugar because I felt low (was 1.3) and trying to wake him (the reason I was lying across the bed). I guess I woke him but didn't really know it because I had fallen to sleep (I don't really think I had passed out but don't really know because I don't think I would have really been able to have drank a glass of juice if I was unconscious).

    I am thankful he checked my monitor but it isn't something he normally does and he hasn't checked it since. . .it was only when the situation warranted it. I have been a diabetic for 34 years, and for the first 17 years I did not test my sugars on a regular basis and I was seeing the Diabetic Team at a local hospital on a regular basis. It wasn't pushed and until I was a teenager I didn't even have my own monitor. When I started university at 18, I bought a monitor and tested twice a day (test strips were covered by my insurance). Twice a day was acceptable then, and I guess depending on age and circumstances it probably would be now. Even after starting work I still only tested 2 to 3 times a day. . .usually 2, always in morning and one other time during the day, unless I felt low. )I had never retested after a low, and havn't until recently when one night I was low, and treated it, went back to bed, and an hour later I was up again and low, and then low again later that night. Since then I have been retesting after every low. ) I wasn't asked to test more often when I was younger, unless I was starting a new insulin, etc. I was the guinea pig for my diabetes team, I tried anything that came out, except for the pump (had a fear of the infusion set!). It wasn't until I was pregnant that I started testing more than 4 times a day, and have continued that ever since.

    Sorry for rambling, but your husband's diabetes management is just that, it's 'his', just like mine is mine. There are times when my husband asks me if I'm 'ok' and I say yes, because I feel ok, although sometimes I end up testing a few minutes later when I realize my sugar is dropping. Sometimes he picks up on it before me but he would never say I was lying or being deceptive about it. Your husband is an adult and needs to be treated as such. When your CWD is older he will be making some of the decisions you are now making for him. My parents made a lot of decisions regarding my diabetes care as I was growing up, all without knowing what my sugars were all the time. Diabetes care has changed a lot since the 70's and 80's. We are just fortunate at this point in time to have many more resources available for our use.

    I am also the one that is primarily responsible for our child's diabetes management. Being diabetic yourself is an advantage sometimes. Your husband may pick up on things that you never would because he has been there. Just because you were a paramedic and had to deal with some awful things, and some related to diabetes, doesn't make you an expert on it. Until you have it yourself you could never know some things. Also, I think that dealing with a CWD is much different than dealing with an adult. . .I never used to retest after a low because I didn't feel low once I had treated it or if I did, I would just eat something else. I wasn't ever told to retest after a low, but we were told to retest our son after a low, when he was diagnosed last year. It just goes to show that diabetes management has changed over the years, and maybe it hasn't only changed, but that adult care may not always be treated in the same way as a child's care. After all, I can usually tell when my sugar is low. . .my child cannot. Your husband was also much older when he was diagnosed, and Type 1 is normally diagnosed while a child, which is why it is sometimes referred to as Juvenile Diabetes. He may not have been told all the same things you were told in regards to your son's management.
     
  3. CAGrandma

    CAGrandma Approved members

    Joined:
    Mar 14, 2006
    Messages:
    530
    I'm a big advocate of letting adults manage their own lives, but there are times when it really does seem appropriate not to do so. If someone has been drinking, for example, I don't care how 'fine' they claim to be, they aren't getting the car keys. Because AT THE TIME they are not capable of managing things.
    A diabetic having a severe low may not be capable AT THE TIME of caring for themself or others safely. Is it really an issue of trust if a spouse pushes the issue at that time? Or is it a duty to recognize when a person is feeling the effects of a disease that does affect one's ability to think clearly? Get that BG stabilized and then discuss boundaries, feelings and fears.
     
  4. Ronin1966

    Ronin1966 Approved members

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2010
    Messages:
    228
    Hello CAGrandma:

    When low, if you can PROVE it... you can have my car keys or anything else you can part from my "possession". However, not low, no proof you'd better be REAL careful how you step through that mine field. It will blow up in your face...

    The result will not be pretty, nor pleasant on any level... in short if "accused" you had better be right! And if accused you better be careful, REAL careful how its done... IMHO...
     
    Last edited: Aug 5, 2011
  5. Ronin1966

    Ronin1966 Approved members

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2010
    Messages:
    228
    Hello momof2greatkids:

    Gentle chuckling...

    The answer to those questions is REAL simple IMHV (eg why doesn't he test 15, 20 minutes after a low (and sic. should...))

    Ever done a test yourself :cool: ???


    Having "treated" extra testing is primarily an emotional security blanket, and not of much true value <tiny shrug>. Testing (for some)... is fundamentally that, a huge emotional crutch... un-necessary.
     
    Last edited: Aug 5, 2011
  6. Ronin1966

    Ronin1966 Approved members

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2010
    Messages:
    228
    Hello Rocky Mountain Mom:

    In theory, I could be your husband if you will... or in the abstract your son as well perhaps? Regardless of which role I might be placed into, as a diabetic I know it is very possible I could die. Not something I spend any time worrying about however. I would ask a simple question... as a diabetic I screw up all the blessed time. Days, weeks, decades have gone by and Ive learned many things. One of them, I will share in hopes of reducing your understandable concern.

    If you live in terror of the ghosts of lows past... you will be in far worse shape than any of us, ever will be. Sure he screwed up, it happens. The trick is not letting it happen the same way again. Do not strangle him with the "chains" from that past event...

    Do you think your husband for all his faults will endanger your son, in any way on any level for real??? He knows he blew it, you LAUGH at him, give him a wet kiss and remind him of the things he wants to be alive for. As a diabetic, a husband, I hear you loud and clear. You want to throttle the moron. You want to recessitate him and repeat as necessary until he gets it and you feel better. He was a freakin dope... correct? Been there, done that... having had such experiences you might consider the horrible guilt AS the diabetic we carry for putting you folks through this stuff. Was not deliberate, never on purpose with that intent... but, we make the wrong choices quite often.

    Myself, I will not allow glucagon to be used on me. The effects are that bad. Hook me to 1000 IV's, insert ehm anyplace you want but come at me with that glucagon and you'll only get one chance with it... no matter how far that I'm "gone". Primal no-no....

    I guess my point, let them bond together. You will eat yourself alive if you're not real careful where you put those proverbial chains. Vent let it out to people here who understand intimately well what you went/are going though But when you give your husband, your son their kisses and send them on their camping trip...

    Let them be something MORE than merely their evil disease. Let them live... and succeed.... but their collective "screw ups" will astound!!!! In time I hope you will learn to laugh at them... or better yet with them? You cannot fight despair, futility with the past. But laughter, amused disbelief are great tools for that fight.... (in my humble experience). I hope one can be found easily. If not we're all here to listen and will slap our heads too in shared disbelief !!!!

    HE DID WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT :cool:


    Hope this helps... if even a little bit. Thanks for sharing...
     
    Last edited: Aug 5, 2011
  7. Pauji5

    Pauji5 Approved members

    Joined:
    Mar 16, 2008
    Messages:
    677
    I'm sorry..but I disagree. Diabetes is a medical disease....not a personal email. She has a child involved. If her husband had a 103 fever or was drunk, should she let him take care of their child or make decisions for a child? Of course not.

    We all know that lows cause confusion and can affect behaviors. Her husband is her business, especially when a child is involved. If he's outside int he middle of the night fiddling with an appliance when he's 41, and she's aware of it, that's like an accident waiting to happen. Everything he does affects their child. How would that kid feel if his Dad dies because he did something crazy or unsafe when he was low...the wife has a responsibility to the family to step in. Egos should be left out of the equation.
     
  8. CAGrandma

    CAGrandma Approved members

    Joined:
    Mar 14, 2006
    Messages:
    530
    I'm not sure I really get what you are saying here, but wouldn't you consider a meter reading of 41 to be 'proof' of a low? And did I use the word 'accused'? If I implied it, I certainly didn't mean it. No accusation meant because being low isn't a character deficit, or a bad choice, or a mistake - it is part of a disease, plain and simple. And being low has some physiological effects - including effects on clear thinking in many people.
    I agree that a discussion of where/when and how someone should intervene with a diabetic having a significant low would be very appropriate - at a time when s/he is not low or high, and when both people can approach the topic in a spirit of finding a way to just help each other.
     
  9. Ronin1966

    Ronin1966 Approved members

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2010
    Messages:
    228
    Hello CAGrandma:

    Apologies I will try and explain more clearly...

    AS the diabetic, my point is telling "us" (the diabetics) is a very dangerous thing to do on any number of levels as you likely know. It is lit emotional dynamite (on a very, very short fuse) and dangerously real stuff. That situation reminds me a lot of the Bugs-Bunny Cartoons of my childhood. Anybody even suggesting we are low (aloud) is Wiley E Coyote and holding said dynamite. In short, a baaaad place to be no matter which end of the game you're on.

    As for "accusation" aspect, being told things by others (whether completely right or not -ggg-) implys all kinds of things. A proverbial black hole of wholely negative stuff. Being told we are low is defacto saying you (the diabetic) cannot do it... you (I) screwed up... that type of thing. Even never spoken, telling us we are low... simply carries that implication, in my view for whatever its worth.

    I often wonder what causes the "NO" response that so many of you encounter with us, your diabetic(s)? Its real blessed clear we are crashing hard no matter what words come out of our mouth. Heck, even the family goldfish knows something is off, (ie we are dangerously low) and yet, if asked, you folks still often get the angry, annoyed "NO" loop from us.

    You are low...

    NO

    Sweetie, come on you are LOW... lets get you some juice...

    NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...

    You're sweating hon, its 65 degrees out here lets get you some soda you're low dear...

    NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

    ===============
    What the heck causes that primitive, dark response? Yes is also still a single syllable so why is it only, and always that word NO I wonder...?

    (clear thinking in many people.

    Gentle laughter... lets hope to heaven "clear thinking" is NEVER the criteria by which low is ever determined.... if so, I'm just plain dead ;)

    Hope that helps explain more clearly my view...
     
    Last edited: Aug 7, 2011
  10. Ronin1966

    Ronin1966 Approved members

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2010
    Messages:
    228
    Hello Paula:

    (Egos should be left out of the equation.

    Ok I'll bite... how do you do that?!

    Many of us are indeed parents, aunts, uncles, friends of someone who at some point will care for a child whether ours or someone elses. When we do so are you truly suggesting that as diabetics we are compelled to test merely for the priviledge of that role ???

    Just checking...
    (I foresee some serious disagreements between the two groups, if so.)
     
  11. CAGrandma

    CAGrandma Approved members

    Joined:
    Mar 14, 2006
    Messages:
    530
     
  12. BrendaK

    BrendaK Neonatal Diabetes Registry

    Joined:
    Oct 29, 2005
    Messages:
    3,835
    I haven't gotten involved in this thread too much, but I can see both sides of the issue, since my mom, son, and I all have type 1.

    From the adult diabetic's perspective, I can say that when my husband asks what my blood sugar is, it feels dehumanizing, like I am a number and not a person. Even if he is asking me with the best and kindest intentions. It kind of feels like someone asking you what you weigh, but worse than that. A much better question for him to ask me is how are you feeling today? (Doesn't any woman love it what a man asks her that, LOL?)

    From the mom's perspective, I absolutely get it that you have to keep your child safe, and yes, an adult having diabetes with frequent lows does interfere with that, as much as that adult might argue against it. I have many scary stories from my childhood when my mom was low and driving with us in the car. Horribly traumatic for a child. When I was only 10 I was taking her keys away at times.

    It is a very very delicate situation and those that are caregivers/parents of diabetic children often don't know how touchy the questions "what is your blood sugar" can be to an adult with diabetes. Because that's what we ask our kids all day long.
     
  13. SarahKelly

    SarahKelly Approved members

    Joined:
    Nov 14, 2009
    Messages:
    1,147
    I have to jump in here and say that not all people with diabetes have trouble discussing where their number is at with the people they're with...my husband and I have actually ALWAYS been open about it. When we were first dating it was a bit of a game with us, he'd test, I'd grab the meter and he'd say what he thought he was - he was usually spot on. This for me has been a game we now play with our son, too. I think that we've tried very hard to make all aspects of diabetes care just out there in the open so that nothing is hidden or scary to our son, this includes the numbers. Just what works in our house. And, yes, I have had my husband test before driving to make me feel more safe. :)
     
  14. Lisa P.

    Lisa P. Approved members

    Joined:
    May 19, 2008
    Messages:
    5,380
    Not a thread for me to pipe in on, but I've been skimming it and this reminded me of a book where the author remarked about how he'd be at the hospital and patients would wait for the doctor to come in and read their chart or read an instrument so the doctor could tell them how they felt. He found it distressing that people abdicated their own judgment over their own health to "experts" and equipment and tests in this way. I wonder if it's not the same instinct.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ivan_Illich#Medical_Nemesis
     
  15. cm4kelly

    cm4kelly Approved members

    Joined:
    Apr 28, 2011
    Messages:
    547
    My type 1 husband and type 1 son

    I have a type one husband and a type one son - both on the minimed revel pump. I also try to stay out of my husband's diabetes care. He is an adult, and it is his responsibility to take care of himself. I try to have meals ready and snacks available to help him take care of his food needs.

    HOWEVER, listen to your gut instincts. You probably know when your husband is LOW. When I get that instinct i DO but in his business and ask him to check his blood sugar. The other night he was acting strangely and lying around. I had that FEELING. I repeatedly asked him to check his blood sugar - he said he was FINE (of course). I had to get authoritative and bring his machine and threaten to check him myself if he didn't.

    He finally checked himself - 52 - just what I thought.

    A spouse that is LOW can be unable to think straight and at that point it IS your responsibility to step in and try to do something. I found by watching my husband's father with him when he had a low once, that being authoritative and demanding works with my husband when he is low. So that is what I do.

    I do MOST Of the diabetes care for my four year old son. My husband is very capable. He is not as neurotic as I am, and probably most moms are, but he will take care of my son. I wouldn't sweat a recheck as long as he treated a low and gave him something to eat.

    ONe other aside - my husband had a lot of guilt after my son was diagnosed, thinking it was his fault. I don't know how much this plays into his brain.
    Hope this helps. THere are plenty of people in your same situation.
     
  16. Ronin1966

    Ronin1966 Approved members

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2010
    Messages:
    228
    Hello cm4kelly:

    Please help me understand this one.... you knew he was in trouble. With the utmost respect, WHY bother checking... the time you took to find the meter, fight with the man about needing to test, and then eventually get something into him is a serious waste of time you do not have!

    Get sugar into us, THEN test and figure out the number later, if, if you must?!

    If completely wrong (ie high, DKA) the worst that happens is you've raised our sugar a bit more. Insulin will bring us down fast enough. If right you've treated FIRST....

    Pretty please ?!?!! What am I missing here... ?
     
    Last edited: Oct 23, 2011

Share This Page

- advertisement -

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice