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throwing in the towel

Discussion in 'Parents of Children with Type 1' started by ToddsMom, Oct 23, 2008.

  1. ToddsMom

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    Thank you for your VERY kind words! I do not feel guilty, exactly for the reasons you described, and yes I do feel that one can get trapped in the same cycle as those who are dealing with addictions, the frustrations, enabling, etc. I do not have hard feelings towards those who alerted the moderators. I did not intend to cause division here at this very close knit community and I believe that they acted out of concern and goodwill, and for that I am grateful.

    I love EVERYONE here. We all have our struggles and victories. We are all different, and that's okay.
     
  2. kiwiliz

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    I agree with Jacobs Dad. Let him mull over the implications of being on his own for a while. People can be selfish pigs with or without diabetes and he has not been treating you, your kids or himself properly. Whatever you decide - you must stay strong for your children. They need you! They have a fantastic future to look forward to and you have to keep focused on that. Don't let him rob them of their potential. Much love - Liz
     
  3. ange_mom

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    So sorry people were hard on you. I have feelings like you do. I don't act on them but neither do you. I just want to leave the house and let him deal with it... but we don't. We beg, wrestle, wheel and deal to get sugar down their throats. There have been times I have waited for him to get a little lower to get out of the violent state to where he will drink instinctively. My husband lifted weights for years and I can't make him eat when he is low.
    I am so glad to hear he is speaking positively about the antidepressant. Dennis wouldn't even think about it. Although we now know that his depression was due to work stress and our son getting diabetes, I wanted some relief for him and me. Counselling would be so good for you both.
    Is he really angry at God for "giving" him diabetes. My husband still struggles with that for himself and now even more so because of David's diabetes. That anger can manifest itself in depression.
    I am so sorry you are going through this. Knowing that there are other people struggling with the same things can be helpful for you. That's why I came here every day for hours when my son was first diagnosed. I am here...I understand and I am praying for you!
     
  4. Brensdad

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    Wow. I'm normally a "Till Death Do Us Part" type of dude, but I think you've made up your mind and just haven't acted on it. I just don't get him at all. When Emma was diagnosed, that became "ours." I can't imagine just ignoring it and treating her like crap.

    You owe it to yourself and your kids to go, and not look back, and I would also record him when at all possible acting the way he does, just so there's no question if there's a custody issue. I wouldn't want him watching the kids even every 100th weekend.

    I'd hate to see you wait around until he's clumping around on half a foot and after multiple heart surgeries.

    I'm glad I read this. It'll help me skip that cookie that calls to me now and then.
     
  5. ToddsMom

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    He has never been *good*:cwds: about his D, but he really went downhill after our son was dx'd. It was a horrible time. I was trying to learn what I needed to learn to take care of Todd while taking care of my 3 others. My baby was only 4 months old My husband in the meantime started to drink. He would come home from work and sit in our dreary unfinished basement in the dark, and drink straight from the bottle until he passed out. Then he started with the coke. He drained our bank acct and the stress became too much and thats when I left him. He cleaned up since then, but he still obviously has problems. He is alot nicer to our son now and really has come a long way, but it's nowhere near enough.

    Yes, I think he is angry at God, but not so much as he used to be. I think he mainly is still stuck in the "WHY?" He blames himself for our sons dx.

    Has Dennis made any improvement?
     
  6. ToddsMom

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    You are very right, Liz.
     
  7. ToddsMom

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    You sound like a fantastic guy, and your wife is pretty great too.:)

    Recording him is a good idea, another poster mentioned that as well. I need to consider all possible outcomes.

    I will NOT be there to watch him clumping around on half a foot. He's so cranky now, I can't imagine how he would be then. I've already told him, if he continues along the way he is now, not to count on me in the future, I'll put him in a home. We deserve to live. If he wants to ruin his life, I guess thats his choice.

    My mind is made up. It's not that I can't leave or that I don't love him. I love him but I will leave him if I have to, it's just that I am still trying to avoid it if at all possible. So we'll see if anything will come from these recent developments, if not ... then there is nothing else I can do. (shrug)
     
  8. Wendyb

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    Wendy---this is another Wendy replying to you. The time has come to leave. Someone that hasn't gone through what you have gone through would have hit the road after the comment to your newly dx son about the ice cream "you cant--ha ha ha". This was belittling and abusive to your son. It's obvious that you are so angry you have gotten to the point of calling him names and thinking about letting him die. I can only imagine that your children have some indication of your rage and question why you stay in the relationship and allow this abuse to both you and them. Each day that you stay sends the message to your children that they should have to live through this instead of expecting something better. This makes it more likely that they, too, will be in an abusive relationship in the future. Now is the time. Make your safety plan and go. Send a clear message to your children that they (and you) are worthy of better in life. He's not going to change.
     
  9. zoesmama

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    Hi Wendy,

    I don't really even want to throw out opinions here. Others have said a lot, and you have a good head on your shoulders. I simply want you to know that I've been following this thread and I am thinking of you and your family.

     
  10. Denise in CT

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    I agree with this. Having gone through a previous marriage to an emotionally abusive alcoholic I can feel your frustrations and desperation. I, too, won't be dispensing opinions or advice as it sounds like you're working through it with a level head. But do know I am thinking of you all and feel free to PM me anytime.
     
  11. ToddsMom

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    I DID hit the road after the comment to my son. THAT REALLY TICKED ME OFF! Things were pretty good on that note, since we have reconciled, but his management of his D has ALWAYS been an issue.

    I am making a safety plan ( I think of it as jumping ship) while giving butthead the opportunity to change the road he is on.

    I don't call him names, except butthead, and he is. It's even on my phone, so when he calls, his picture comes up with butthead above it. It brings a little humor to a sometimes intense situation, and I told him I would change it when he stops being a butthead.:p

    I don't look at it as letting him die. Just as questioning how far my obligation to help goes. Maybe it's the same thing?

    I am grateful for your concern.
     
    Last edited: Oct 26, 2008
  12. ToddsMom

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    Thank you Zoe, and Denise. I REALLY appreciate your support.
     
  13. ToddsMom

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    A quick update for those following along.

    My husband tested last night (twice) AND caught a LO (thank God.) He also tested this morning and has assured me he is going to test regularly. He doesn't want me to leave. He really fell apart last time while my life got better.

    He is calling on Monday for anti depressents. I am not sure about the counseling for him yet. But he does want to see if any changes need to be made in his regimen. (It's been the same for 20 yrs.)

    Perhaps with the testing, and better control of his D, his personality wil improve. And as Jacob's dad mentioned, he does have his good points or I wouldn't have married him. It's just that with the topic of this thread, you are only hearing the negative. BUT I believe that the negative is so severe that it outweighs his good points at this time.

    I can hear the hammer, cause now he's running around the house with my long neglected "Honey do" list cause he''s scared I am going to leave him again. He does love us. There is just something wrong in his head. He has said often "I don't intend ..." My response is " I don't care." If he runs over my foot by accident or on purpose, I still have a broken foot either way.

    I am interested to see what will come of these changes, but I am not putting all of my eggs in the basket.
     
    Last edited: Oct 26, 2008
  14. Alba37

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    Hi Wendy

    Just wanted to add my support for you. I have read the thread and been meaning to post for a while.

    My thoughts are with you and your family, and I hope things work out for you.

    I think anyone who has experienced an abusive relationship will understand your are venting your hurt, anger, frustration etc, and it does not mean you will act on these words.

    It's appears your husband is now attempting to make some changes, and that is a great step in the right direction. It atleast gives you hope for now, and hopefully things will continue to improve.

    Take care,

    Aileen x
     
  15. Jacob'sDad

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    ToddsMom,
    Maybe you already said, but is he on NPH, right? Edit: *Oops, somehow I missed your other thread. I'm still going to keep the rest of this post the same.* A Lantus/Novolog regimen would make his control SO much easier. Since you have a child with D you know how difficult control can be but I think as parents we tend to believe that D will ALWAYS be difficult to manage. IT IS true that it is always tough, but an adult has MUCH less factors to consider than a child. For one thing they are not growing anymore, so once they dial in the carb ratios, basal, etc., it should be good for a LONG time. They also don't have hormones to deal with (not guys anyway). Also, unless they do a lot of sports or other physical activities, their activity is FAR more predictable than with children. They also are not nearly as sensitive to slightly miscounted carb grams.

    It would be so great if he could get on a Lantus/Novolog regimen and then just start over from scratch like he had just been diagnosed. Let's face it, You ARE starting over so rather than trying to tweak what isn't working anyway, why not try something completely new? Think of it like this: There are people who eat like crap their whole lives and then just wake up one day and decide, that's it, it's time to start eating healthy. And they start to feel better IMMEDIATELY. Changing an insulin regimen would be EASIER than sticking to a diet because once you made the change and got it dialed in, why would you EVER go back? What would you be missing?

    I know, now that I think about it, it's the less shots thing isn't it? With NPH it's only two shots a day. But you know what? If the extra shots are really that big a deal then PUMP. PUMP, PUMP, PUMP!

    Does he realize how absolutely cool it would be for your son if his dad had the same pump as him? What a difference it could make in their lives!

    I'll bet you've already discussed all the things I've written in this post haven't you? But maybe if he knew that other people TOTALLY AGREE WITH YOU, it would get through to him.

    You should print off some of the posts on this thread and show it too him, particularly the ones that agree with what you have been saying ALL ALONG.
     
    Last edited: Oct 26, 2008
  16. allisa

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    Wendy,


    I'm jumping in late and don't have much to offer other than support and friendship. Wether or not the marriage is worthy of saving is for you to decide, but either way....your anger is a GOOD thing.....

    Let me rephrase that.....anger itself is NOT a good thing....BUT.....when you are in a situation such as yours anger is the one emotion that will spur a change....sadness, frustration, and depression will only breed more of themselves....anger is red-hot and will effect other things.....remember the anger and it will spur changes. you NEED changes....not sure which change is best for you....but obviously ANY change is needed !

    I am a single mom, and I have to say as hard as that is.....living in a unhappy, abusive, and disfunctional marriage is harder.....I'm not advocating for divorce.....just advocating against unhappy, disfunctional marriages.

    Best of luck to you....please keep updates for us ! I hope he will make the necessary changes.....
     
  17. ToddsMom

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    Thank you Aileen. I teach my children that our feelings are not meant to be lived by, but must be governed by our reason. That said, I remind my husband to remember the movie "The Burning Bed." .... Muahahahaha.....
    I'm just kidding when I say THAT though.
     
  18. StillMamamia

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    Just remembered something I heard once and which made a lightbulb go off in my head. I hope it can help your husband. Tell him to see himself through his children's eyes...how does he want them to see him? Does he want to see those eyes full of joy and confidence looking back at him or does he prefer seeing the sadness staring back?

    It's his choice now, and I'm glad he has taken a couple of steps towards taking better care of himself.

    Keep your chin up! You've got a strong head on your shoulders.
     
  19. ToddsMom

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    Thank you for reminding me that there are not as many variables to consider in my husband's D management. I hadn't thought about that.

    IF someone were to start from scratch, how would one figure out beginning insulin dosages? I guess too, it would depend on which regimen he decided on. I was thinking that with the inevitable correction units he usually takes when he *feels* high, that it would not really be that many more injections. On the other hand, if he tested and tweaked his current regimen, he may be able to maintain adequate control as is (with some tweaks?).

    He has agreed to "talk insulin" for the next few days, so I am trying to get a grasp on things. My experience really is limited because I am used to dealing with my son, who (until recently) was a breeze as far as good numbers.

    Is the Lantus/ Novolog regimen very different form a Lantus/Humalog regimen?

    He is pretty open at this point, and was pleasantly surprised when, after he let me treat his LO my way that his numbers were in range much quicker and he felt better than his typical way of WAYYYYYY OVERCORRECTING.

    It's just that I myself have been fairly lucky and really haven't needed to know much of the info that I am lacking now. Time for me to educate myself. I may need it in the future anyway cause my son's D has become more difficult to mange, though the pump has helped already. YAY PUMP!!

    I would LOVE for my husband to consider a pump ... baby steps. Maybe someday. I see him looking at our son's, and he has been fairly impressed with it's features. He is still stuck on the having something attached to him. Aesthetics, I guess.

    The suggestions made here have gotten through to him already. For whatever reason, he doesn't seem so threatened by the people here at this forum. Perhaps because he knows you all "get it."

    I have NEVER seen him so open to discuss his D before. I think some of it may have to do with the fact that he severely injured himself this past summer during a seizure.

    I have shown him particular posts, but he would never sit and read the WHOLE thread. He would be soooooo bored. He likes cars. lol
     
  20. ToddsMom

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    Anger has been very helpful for me, when I recognize it and channel it where it belongs. Normally I first direct it at myself (depression) then at my kids (displacement) then FINALLY where it belongs (at my husband) then things start to improve. I am getting better at recognizing the patterns and typically now the first two phases are fairly short before I get to where I belong.

    I agree with you that it is better to be single than in a dysfunctional marriage. staying in a bad marriage IS NOT the same as working things out.
     

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