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throwing in the towel

Discussion in 'Parents of Children with Type 1' started by ToddsMom, Oct 23, 2008.

  1. Lisa P.

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    This does sound like he has severe depression. People get in a downward spiral and get tunnel vision, they only see themselves. I do not excuse it -- whatever your medical condition, you have an obligation to your family not to lay the burden of it on them when it can be helped. But I do think you should definitely do some counseling yourself and I would suggest you talk to his doctor. I'm not a fan of antidepressants as the first rung in treatment, but if he is so far gone that he will not do counseling or even discuss his options, maybe it's time the doctor just wrote a prescription.
     
  2. ToddsMom

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    Last year when he was hospitalized, after they got his sugars stable, they sent him to the fourth floor (psych ward). When they released him they gave him a prescription for an anti-anxiety medication. I really liked him for the few weeks he was on it. Maybe I'll mention the antidepressent to him and see what he says.
     
  3. Lisa P.

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    When your brain chemistry is drastically off, sometimes you mess with other chemical solutions -- our family likes alcohol. Then it winds up causing more problems than it solves, but by then you are in deep. The kids do need their dad, if he ever decides to show up again :eek:, so even though you can't do it for him maybe if you could give him a hand just to get a step or two out of the hole he could decide whether he wants out or to crawl back in. One month on anti-depressants should give him enough clarity to decide. You need a break, too. I know you are carrying it all without him, now, and carrying his behind around to boot. But if you leave, you still have all the rest of it to bear yourself. People were never meant to do so much alone. You may have to do it, life is not fair. But if you can get him to see clearly enough that he can try to be functional again, you might have at least a little bit of help getting by. But totally ignore me if this doesn't apply to your situation.:cwds:

    Best to you. We have been in similar, but less extreme, spirals before. We have temporarily climbed out, but I couldn't tell you how. Life is really, really hard sometimes.
     
  4. ange_mom

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    I can so relate to what you are saying. My husband does test, but I am so glad to see him go to work every Monday because the weekends are up and down and up and down. Dennis does try to take care of himself, but he doesn't recognize when he is low a lot of the time. I totally relate to the just wanting to leave him when he is acting nasty... I get so angry. Of course, when my son gets low and it's my fault, I don't realizing how hard it is to manage...but I get so mad at Den and that's not fair... however your husband doesn't seem to care.
    We split up for a while last year when Den was really depressed. Sounds so much like where your husband is. A job change has really helped my husband.
    I think he needs counselling. But there is no way you can change him. If he refuses, I would get out. My son saw me wrestling Dennis when he was low a year ago and it scarred him. I can't imagine him seeing seizures....
    Take care of yourself and your kids. He has to take care of himself.
     
  5. MamaC

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    That is emotional blackmail. And that is abusive. Period. Out.
     
  6. Bassicmom

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    I am so sorry about all you are going through. I hate diabetes. It masks other problems and makes others worse. It's hell all by itself. Does he really not want to see his children grow up????????????? I'm not kidding. My sister-in- law was 25 when her Mom died from type 1 and my husband was 30. She got so so so sick. She hurt all the time. We had dialysis supplies everywhere. They couldn't find sites to do the dialysis. She couldn't feel her feet, she had heart attacks. Her kids are so sad. I am so sad. Her grandkids are so sad. She never met her new grandson. She would have been 61 when he was born, but instead he has no grandparents.

    Whether you and the kids leave or not, he still has an effect on your life and always will. If he really doesn't care to see them grow up I am sorry.

    My husbands and my doctor is also our friend with type 1's doctor. Our friend smokes and just had three kids in a row. Our doctor told him point blank that he would not live to see his kids grow up if he continued to smoke with type-1.

    I am guessing he knows this and that is why he is avoiding the doctors. It takes a lot of work to avoid a pretty depressing future and I am sure he knows the doctor will tell him this. It takes a lot of guts to go to the doctor when you know you will be told you are screwing up.

    Bless you for reaching out to all of us.

    My husband still misses his mom terribly. I'd hate to see someone accelerate the process of dying when they had a chance to do something about it.
     
  7. ToddsMom

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    This is a REALLY good idea. Of course, if he wants it, HE will have to do it. I don't have naything to do with him and his doctors anymore. I meant it when I said it. I'm not opening that door again.


    That's just the thing. It is so much EASIER without him. When he is on, he is ON and our family thrives. But when things are like this, it just doesn't seem worth it. To carelessly inflict pain on those who are already struggling, to me is... is... just plain heartless! It also blocks any possible benefits that could come from our struggles, a closer family bond, the opportunity to learn and grow as a family, etc. When it is like this, our home life is MISERABLE. I am of the opinion that life brings with it certain sufferings, and we are to bear up under them as valiantly as possible, but to willingly invite more difficulties on an already difficult situation, to me, is incomprehensible and it makes me VERY angry at him. I feel helpless when things spiral out of control like this and my heart breaks over the loss of stability in our home and it places our family in jeopardy for emotional trauma. The children need to learn how to handle lifes difficulties in a healthy and positive way, and he makes that IMPOSSSIBLE with his bullyish and negative attitude.

    If I have got to do this alone, I would rather do this ALONE without the added burden of being tyrannized by an unstable, self centered, and very sick man.



    I have learned not to need his help with my son, but I am extremely resentful, that he will not only NOT HELP, but he turns a difficult situation into an impossible one, and I begin to feel trapped by failure. BUT when he does help and he is functioning well, it is really wonderful, so if anti- depressents will help, maybe it's worth a shot (if he's willing.).

    Yes, it is. But people like you and others here, really help to get through the hard times.

    Thank ALL OF YOU for your concern, support and suggestions. It is hard to think clearly when I have so many emotions running through me.
     
  8. ToddsMom

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    I HATE the weekends. Though I may sound uncompassionate, I really learned alot when my son was dx'd. Some things you just don't know unless you experience it yourself, and having a child with diabetes, is the closest thing to having it yourself because of the bond. I have MORE compassion for him now then I did, but I need to accept the reality of MY situation, and that is that it is intolerable like this. Seeing how difficult it is to manage my sons D when we are TRYING, makes me really understand just how dangerous and self destructive his behaviour is to his health. It makes me feel crazy inside.:(
     
  9. ToddsMom

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    He claimed he wanted to die, thus the transfer to the fourth floor. I know his behavior is abusive. He abuses himself, why not us too?
     
  10. ToddsMom

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    THIS IS SOOOOOOOO SAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Yes, but I am thinking distance might minimize the effect. I do want him to be well and to do well. Whther we are together or not, the better off he is, the better off we are. Even if only less drama.

    Yes, I believe at the very core of him is a terrorizing FEAR, and that this is the foundation for all his choices.

    Here's where I sound heartless ....

    ....Or just die and get it over with.
     
  11. lilituc

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    I agree. To me, it sounds more like a control issue.
     
  12. MelissaC

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    Wendy,

    whileI am by no means an expert I owuld take my kids and leave... or better yet make him leave if you can - Your kids and you deserve so much more.

    i wish you all the best:cwds:
     
  13. ToddsMom

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    I am NOT leaving. I left last time and had myself and my four kids in a room at my mothers while he lived large, here alone in our 3 bedroom house. Oh no, this time it will be him leaving if it comes to that.

    You are right we do deserve more, and so does he, if he could ever see it.
     
  14. ToddsMom

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    I received a PM from the staff, alerting me to alerts from other members who are concerned that I, at times do not want to help my husband when he is LO.
    Feelings are FEELINGS. They are not all to be followed or acted upon, but they are my feelings nonetheless. Also, even the feeling of wanting to let him die, is NORMAL for one who is in a situation such as mine. Posting them, does not mean I am not going to help him, only that I DON"T WANT TO HELP HIM. I am not apologizing for how I feel, only explaining. It is not a secret, my husband is aware as well. I have told him, so that HE can make informed choices and realize HIS actions have consequences and an impact on his family.


    I wanted to thank EVERYONE who has contributed their insight and have offered suggestions. I have been speaking with my husband concerning this thread. He hasn't read it (though he's welcome to), but I have shared with him the feedback I have received. For what ever reason, maybe because it is you all here at THIS forum, he does not seem defensive or threatened when I shared your suggestions. He has said that he thinks an anti-depressent is a good idea and that he wants to reevaluate his insulin regimen!!

    He says he is calling on Monday about the anti depressent. I would like to see what impact this has on his behaviour, and also a new insulin regimen before I make any decisions concerning leaving or staying.

    I am also going to pursue counseling for myself.

    You all have been extrememely helpful. Please keep us in your prayers as we try to find our way out of this Hellhole.
     
  15. danismom79

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    Wow. I'm not sure what they were hoping to accomplish, but I guess it shows that people are very worried about you and your situation. I totally understand that feeling of helplessness and hopelessness that would make you feel like giving up. But you seem to have a good perspective on everything. I hope everyone gets the help they need.
     
  16. ToddsMom

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    Thank you,mom to Dani! I am really hoping things are going to turn around very soon. Hey ... I said "hope!" woo hoo! Things seem to be looking better. They say the darkest hour is before dawn. Maybe this was our rock bottom. We will see.
     
    Last edited: Oct 25, 2008
  17. Connie(BC)Type 1

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    Wendy, I saw nothing wrong with your comments, very valid feelings!
    Good luck with whatever you decide to do!
    I'm so glad I don't get high and low moods as you describe, SCARY!! I do feel badly for your unbearable suffering! PM me if you need to vent with things that would shock others as the staff have said.
    My non D hubby is the moody one! I don't think he could handle me having moods! His are bad enough :D
     
    Last edited: Oct 25, 2008
  18. sam1nat2

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    I sure hope that the antidepressants help!
    As for leaving, my friend who was in a very similar situation had her ex "escorted" out of the house with some police officers and a friendly restraining order. She was rightfully scared and that was all it took for the courts to make him leave. I think it was something like a 2 week mandatory restraining order for both parties to cool off a bit.

    You have options should you decide you need to do something.
     
  19. MrsBadshoe

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    WEndy

    I just read the entire thread and when I got to the post regarding others contacting the staff I felt heartbroken for you. You were very obviously describing your feelings after dealing with a situation for many years. I looked at it like dealing with a person with addictions. It gets to the point where they have to become responsible for their own actions even if those actions have possible deadly consequences. You are a very strong woman for dealing with the situation for the years that you have. While there are some people obviously with the need to accuse you of not wanting to help; I think they need to realize that a mother of 4 can not always be the mother to a grown man. He needs to be a man at some point and take care of himself.

    I hope he does get the meds and they in turn help the entire situation. Do not feel guilty. Even if the worst ever happens you have helped, you were there for him, HE choose to make the poor decisions not you.

    LYMI
     
  20. ToddsMom

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    I hope so. Last time my options were pretty limited. Restraining orders in this state are only able to be obtained under the threat of "physical violence." So, though I tried, I guess I didn't qualify. But even w/o the benfit if the restraining order, there are ALWAYS alternatives, and I thank you for reminding me of that.
     

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