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There are just days....

Discussion in 'Spouses and Significant Others' started by kristie.sp5293, Nov 6, 2009.

  1. kristie.sp5293

    kristie.sp5293 New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 6, 2009
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    I have been married to my DH for, going on three years in January. He's been dx since 1981. I have allowed myself to be his caretaker; making his lunch each morning, driving like a mad hatter to his side when he got a low on the construction site and begging the EMS driver NOT to transport him. Last week, after a three month lay off he's finally working a part-time seasonal job. I have been the primary income all that time. I hate the role reversal.

    Today, he had the first low @ work - upper 30's. He said he ate, he said he checked his sugar. What time he checked it is another ball game.

    I have been at the "last thread" stage; stressed, tired, worried, anxious for the past month. This just isn't what I needed to hear. He just allows himself to get so busy & just doesn't stop to check BG. I shouldn't have to call and check on him. I shouldn't have to jump every time my cell or work phone rings. He damages my trust and confidence every time this happens.

    I love him so much. I just feel like he's not taking this seriously and being responsible. I married him for "sickness and health". But what is going to happen if he puts me in the grave first, stressed out w/ a heart attack. THEN where will he be? There are just days where it is all about him and the diabetes. His identity is primarily diabetic. Not husband, father, friend. But diabetic. Well not me. I want to get above this and rule it not it rule us.
     
  2. TheFormerLantusFiend

    TheFormerLantusFiend Approved members

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    Does he want you to be his caretaker?

    I would say that what's needed is for you to let his diabetes be his diabetes. Don't feel guilty when he's not taking care of himself. Marrying him in health and in sickness can just mean that you stay through his mistakes- not that you have to fix them.
     
  3. kristie.sp5293

    kristie.sp5293 New Member

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    I want him to fight this! I want him to hear his sensor & pump when they go off, test his sugar, treat it if needed and then do his darndest to keep it balanced. His dr. has called him a brittle diabetic and that the diabetes has added 10-20 years to him. Not to mention the occupation of plumber & the strain that adds to him. Are these all excuses? Can he really get a handle on all of this? What about a "normal" marriage that is intimate - that's a whole other can of worms. He's not interested at all. I am the giver... and my emotional tank is empty.
     
  4. TheFormerLantusFiend

    TheFormerLantusFiend Approved members

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    Yes you want him to be healthy- but you can't make him.
    And you shouldn't be in the position of making him. And right now you need to let it be his responsibility.

    I once read advice to family and friends of smokers. They know they need to quit, and reminding them too much is nagging. And the article said, how much is too much- more than twice per year.

    Now, you can take care of his diabetes and you can't stop somebody from smoking. BUT diabetes in an autonomous adult is something that is largely their decision and it needs to come from them.
    I think if you want to take this huge stressor out of your relationship then you need to be able to see him without seeing his blood sugar- and the only way to do that is by turning over the responsibility for his blood sugars to him.
     
  5. sage68

    sage68 Approved members

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    I am in a somewhat similar situation, although I have pretty much given all responsibility of his diabetes to my DH. My DH doesn't check his BS very often and that scares me to no end. He will go low or high and treat without knowing how low or high he really is. He doesn't count carbs, he just gives himself insulin based on how much he "feels" he needs. It scares the heck out of me but there is nothing I can do about it. At the end of the day, it is his life and his decision. I think what makes me more angry than anything is the simple fact that I feel he isn't taking me or our girls into consideration when he "manages" his diabetes. At this rate, I don't think he will be around to see his girls graduate high school. His a1C is horrendous, his girls' a1C's are better than his! He has also been told that he has the start of diabetic retinopothy. I would think that these few things alone (plus having 2 diabetic children to set a good example for) would make him want to take better care of himself but it obviously hasn't.

    I feel for you and hope that he "wakes up" and starts caring about himself more. I think you probably should just start taking a backseat and letting him manage his diabetes. Maybe not having you there to do it for him will help make him realize that he needs to care more for himself??? HUGS!
     
  6. CAGrandma

    CAGrandma Approved members

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    In a way, dealing with a spouse who has diabetes and who is not really taking care of it is a lot like having a spouse who is an alcoholic.
    The alcoholic makes choices that impact his life expectancy, his relationship with his spouse, his family's wellbeing. The diabetic who does not manage his disease responsibly does the same thing.
    The spouse of an alcoholic tries to convince him to change, tries to help and support him, takes over more and more responsibility in the hopes that he will be able to focus on the important thing - like quitting drinking.
    The spouse of a diabetic reminds him to test, nags him to change his eating habits, maintains the diabetic supplies...
    Of course, diabetes is a disease and it is so very hard to know where loving support ends and co-dependency begins. You might be surprised at what you could learn by doing some reading on co-dependency with alcoholics.
     

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