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Thankyou all

Discussion in 'Parents of Children with Type 1' started by MelStan, Apr 18, 2011.

  1. MelStan

    MelStan Member

    Jan 5, 2007
    Tomorrow morning, shortly after 8am, it'll be 6 months to the day that our lives changed forever, when I found our precious and sweet daughter Eilish had passed away in her sleep.
    It's been the most hellish and indescribable journey, and one I hoped we would never find ourselves on. But here we are :(

    I probably shouldn't be writing this right now, because I can't stop crying for the life of me. I'll probably end up pouring my heart out :eek:
    Anyway, I'm sorry it's taken me so long to post here. I've tried several times, and have always had to give up on it. I know someone posted a very brief Facebook post of mine earlier on, but I've had intentions of posting something here all along.

    So I want to sincerely thank every one of you who posted messages of condolence, sent PMs, visitor messages, emails, and even sent cards, or made phonecalls. And to those who donated to the Eilish Memorial Fund, a huge thankyou too. To Justin (Eilish's pump trainer) who apparently set this up, please know how incredibly moved I was by your kind gesture. Eilish thought the world of Justin, and I'll never forget how hard she cried when she had to say goodbye to him at the hospital, after he started her on the pump.
    Ellen..for the wonderful piece you so kindly wrote for us, to be read out at Eilish's funeral..thankyou so much. You have been the most incredible support to me from day one of finding CWD. I don't know what I would have ever done without you :cwds:

    I can't tell you what you all meant to me and the comfort it gave us knowing so many people from all around the world have been thinking of us, and giving such amazing support (and so many who still let us know they think of us on FB)
    Even though I don't personally know most of you, I can tell you that you all feel like family to me, and I don't think anyone else quite gets this like you guys do.

    I know most of you probably want an idea of what happened..

    I was up til 1am, trying to get a high down - bg of 25 (450) (after discovering the tubing had broken where it screws into the cartridge, and there was an air bubble in there)
    I did what we always did..put higher temp rates (basal) in, and checked her bg half hourly, and adjusted the temp rates as I went. She finally started dropping at around 12.30, but seemed to be dropping fast. I stopped the temp rates, as I would normally do, but couldn't decide whether to stop the basal altogether, for an hour or so. I decided to leave it, because she would often drop so far, but still stay highish.. and so asked Charlie to check her when he got up for work at 3.30am. He tested her at 3.50 and she was 5.9 (106) with no IOB. He decided to leave things as they were. We basically did what we have done on many other occasions.

    I left her to sleep, thinking Charlie had sorted it out, and decided to give her the day off school, because of the bad night, and went in at 8.10 to find her gone :(

    She had also had trouble with a very sore throat for several weeks, and I'd had her to the Dr twice. They did blood tests on the Fri to see if she had glandular fever. And she'd been put on Erythromicin antibiotic (which is known to cause heart problems in some people) a week and a half earlier.

    She had complained of feeling sick (wanting to throw up the night before she died, while we were treating a low) and then she was up and down the night that it happened, also feeling awful, and again leaning over the kitchen sink, feeling like thowing up. When I tested her the 2nd last time that night, she asked me to listen to her breathing, and it sounded a bit raspy. I asked her if she thought she was getting something else, and she said yes. I also remember thinking that she looked really sick, and kind of a gray colour. Not pale, but gray, and with a bit of a sheen to her face :(

    The Drs don't think she went low, although I still feel strongly that that is what happened..and yet, she looked so sick. The pathologist is apparently looking into underlying heart problems, and we've all had cardiac testing done.
    Her Ped is thinking that the Erythromicin may have been a major factor.

    I don't think we'll ever find out for sure.

    The guilt just kills me. She used to worry about something happening in the night, and I always reassured her that we'd keep her safe, but we failed..

    Anyway..again, thankyou all SO much for your kindness and caring and amazing support. You have all been so appreciated.

    She was an amazing and sweet kid, and we are just lost without her..
    Last edited: Apr 19, 2011
  2. Judy&Alli

    Judy&Alli Approved members

    Jan 26, 2008
    I think about you all so often. Thank you for having the courage to post. We are all still here for you. I pray for peace for you every time you come to my mind/heart. Please know that there are strangers all over the world that care.:cwds: ((((((((Mel))))))))
  3. Lee

    Lee Approved members

    Oct 5, 2006
    Oh Mel and Charlie,
    You both did what every parent here does, and more. You WERE DILIGENT! There is no way that your beautiful daughter would ever want you to experience this guilt, although I think we all understand.

    What you did that night is what we all would have done.

    I applaud you, and I thank you, for coming here and posting this. It takes incredible courage. I hope you know how much we love you and your family. I cherish the videos and the poems that you and Charlie post. I hope Ella is ok, and I hope that you and Charlie find some peace as well.

    My heart is broken for you, and I am so glad that you came here and shared your story. You are such a part of this online family, and not a single damn day passes that I don't think of Eilish.
    Last edited: Apr 19, 2011
  4. NomadIvy

    NomadIvy Approved members

    May 20, 2010
    Thank you for sharing your story.
  5. MamaC

    MamaC Approved members

    Dec 9, 2006

    I know that can't have been easy for you to share, but I hope it helped in some small way for you to open up to us.

    You, Charlie, and Ella are in my heart and thoughts so often. You have no idea how many people have been touched by your family's story.

    Wishing you peace in your hearts and minds.
  6. Flutterby

    Flutterby Approved members

    Nov 11, 2006
    Mel, I think of you, Charlie, Ella and Eilish everyday. My heart is broken for you and your family, for your sweet Eilish.

    Thank you for coming her and posting. You did what so many of us have done at night. You and Charlie are excellent parents and did everything right. I can't image how difficult it may be, but please don't feel guilty. You didn't do anything wrong. I hope you get the answers you are looking for and deserve soon.

    You are in my thoughts and prayers everyday.
  7. Jensmami

    Jensmami Approved members

    May 17, 2007
    ((((MEL)))) there is not one day that I'm not thinking about your beautiful Eilish, you, Charlie and Ella.

    Thank you for sharing your story. And I agree with Lee, Eilish would not want you to feel guilty, she knew she had the best parents!
  8. Connie(BC)Type 1

    Connie(BC)Type 1 Approved members

    Nov 11, 2005
    Love you guys Mel
  9. buggle

    buggle Approved members

    Mar 24, 2008

    No matter how diligent a parent is, there are times that something horribly tragic happens. It happens to kids without D or any other known health problems. Life can be so incredibly sad and unfair.

    I'm so sorry that you're going through this and that you don't have any answers. I can't imagine how difficult this has been for you and Charlie.

    I've never seen this magnitude of outpouring of shared grief. I hope that helps you to know how special Eilish was to so many people.

    Thanks for sharing this difficult story and I hope so much for healing and peace for you and your family.
  10. wilf

    wilf Approved members

    Aug 27, 2007
    Thank you. It was good of you to share this with us.

    I am so sorry, and I pray for your family. I am hoping that it is getting easier to gladly remember the good times in your life with with Eilish, and to build the future for your family that she would have wanted you to.. :cwds:
  11. sooz

    sooz Approved members

    Dec 4, 2009
    Mel, We recently lost our 38 year old son in law unexpectedly. He was exercising in the gym and just..died. He didnt have D, although his little 8 year old daughter does. We don't know why he left us either. There are mysteries in life so deep that they are just not understandable. It wasnt your fault. It wasnt your fault. It wasnt your fault. I know something about the things that people say when they are trying to be kind. I hope I dont make those mistakes. I just want to share with you a quote that I found after my son in law's death. "Everyone dies, but not everyone lives." Your daughter had an amazing spirit. What a light she was. She lived. She lived. May God bless you and bring you peace.
  12. kiwimum

    kiwimum Approved members

    Mar 14, 2007
    Mel, Charlie and Ella

    Not a day goes by that I don't think of you all:(
    Thank you for sharing your story. I can only imagine how hard that must have been for you to do.
    Please know that you did NOT fail Eilish. You did what so many of us do with our own children. She knew that she was loved.

    Lots of hugs to you all, always. xx
  13. NatBMomto4

    NatBMomto4 Approved members

    Mar 24, 2010
    Mel, I think of you so often - thank you for sharing your story, as painful as it must have been for you. I cannot begin to imagine what you and your family are going through, but know that you have friends who think of you and are praying for you.
  14. OSUMom

    OSUMom Approved members

    Sep 10, 2006
    Mel, thank you for posting.

    You and Charlie are diligent, wonderful parents!! I am grateful that we really are like a family in this community with knowing what it's like to live with type 1 diabetes day in and day out. I wanted to share that Eilish's life had such profound meaning. Reading her poetry and seeing her beautiful photographs. The impact her life has had on me is enormous. I wish you, Charlie, and Ella peace, love, and days with sunshine. :cwds::cwds:
    Last edited: Apr 19, 2011
  15. mom2Hanna

    mom2Hanna Approved members

    Jul 6, 2008
    I think about you all and your beautiful daughter often. I wish there was something to say that didn't sound trite. I am so sorry.
  16. Beach bum

    Beach bum Approved members

    Nov 17, 2005
    Mel and family, you are always in my thoughts and prayers.
    You have an incredible strength to be able to share what you have with us.
    The world was blessed that you shared your daughter with us, if only for a short time.
  17. GaPeach

    GaPeach Approved members

    Dec 29, 2007
    Mel, thank you for sharing your story. As you said in your post, in the CWD forum we are family. Being able to come here and share with each other makes us all stronger.

    Your precious daughter knows that you did everything possible to always keep her safe. For some reason, that night, other factors overtook her. I hope for your peace of mind, you get further answers. But please always know in your heart that you did everything that you could.

    I pray that the sweet, precious memories will, over time, cause the sorrow to subside. Losing a child is a deep hurt. However, I do know from experience that healing will come in its time.

    Thank you again for coming here on this anniversary to share with all of us who hold you dear in our hearts.
  18. Pauji5

    Pauji5 Approved members

    Mar 16, 2008
    Thank you for sharing your story. Our prayers are with you and your family.
  19. Barbzzz

    Barbzzz Approved members

    Jul 5, 2008
    Mel, as incredibly hard as that was to read, I can't even begin to imagine how difficult it was to write. :( But thank you for sharing. Please please PLEASE don't blame yourself. How could you? It was D. Damn D. I'd have done the same exact thing, been all to happy with a 5.9 and no IOB and left it at that. And have left it at that. It was diabetes. :(:mad:

    I continue to pray for you and Charlie and Ella, that you may all find strength and courage, and perhaps a little less pain.
  20. VinceysMom

    VinceysMom Approved members

    Mar 3, 2010

    I can only imagine how hard it was to post this. Please know that our hearts have been touched by Eilish. Many hugs to you, Charlie and Ella.

    Wishing you peace...


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