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So My Teen Daughter Is Being Bullied

Discussion in 'Parents Off Topic' started by MamaBear, Feb 15, 2011.

  1. PatriciaMidwest

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    Call Verizon and talk to a manager about the texts. The data is still likely there, as others said.

    Hopefully you don't have to worry about changing schools or homeschooling yet, but you need to get her school to take this seriously. There is a huge initiative in our school district to prevent and report bullying and matters are handled very swiftly, so I am kind of surprised by the Principal's demeanor. Check your parent handbook to see if there is anything on bullying, this might help you lay out your case.

    Do what you can do get copies of the texts...this will make your case a lot stronger.

    Mean girls suck :)


     
  2. PatriciaMidwest

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    You Go Girl!!!!!

    Sorry you had to go through this ordeal though.



     
  3. Lisa P.

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    Just a couple thoughts:

    1. Don't think that since this is being sent to the VP the principal does not take is seriously, in large high schools discipline is delegated to one administrator so he/she can give it her/his full attention. It's usually a good thing.

    2. We home school. I'd be reluctant to home school because of a bullying situation that had already begun because it can feel like "running away" and be a blow to the self-esteem -- I'd be more inclined to say she should push through this situation and then decide after if the experience has made her feel home schooling is a good option. However, sometimes you really don't have much choice but a strategic retreat -- honestly, she's not at school to deal with this BS and if the school can't stop it from taking away her time and energy she's got better things to do than worry about a pack of little creeps.

    I would not worry about hs for her honors, if she moves to home school and she is already advanced she can probably begin her freshman year of college from home and go off to school with a number of full credits under her belt.

    3. I used to have a very high opinion of local law enforcement and still feel that very often applies. However, I've also run into the other side. We had a major school event that involved teachers and admin being intimidated about enforcing school expectations with a father who was also the police officer they were most likely to run into on the drive to school. Asking teachers to go against their person self-interest to stand up for your kid might not end up the way you'd like it to. I'd approach this situation with caution, and I'd certainly not knock on the officer's door unless you have talked to people who can assure you that his attitude about this would be helpful.
     
  4. hawkeyegirl

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    You know, it just depends. I very much do NOT ever want to homeschool either of my children, but if it came to a point where their mental health and/or safety was being compromised at school (and they were therefore NOT "clearly thriving"), I would not leave them in that situation very long, bullies "winning" or no. Sometimes the right choice is to stay and fight, and sometimes the right choice is to remove oneself from a toxic situation.
     
  5. Jensmami

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    I'm sorry your daughter is being bullied, it is just heartbreaking. :( If it was my kid, the first step would be to talk to the parents! If my DD is bullying your kid, you bet that I want to know about it first!!! Since the bus ride is where the kids have the biggest opportunity for bullying, I would make different arrangements, if possible, so she would not have to ride the bus.
     
  6. Lisa P.

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    Yes, but that's why your DD won't be bullying kids (or one reason why). :(:cwds: You pay attention, and you care, and you don't excuse mean behavior just because she's your daughter, and you don't model or teach bullying at home.

    I'm not saying a good kid can't get off track, and then the parents need to know to help her get back on. Absolutely. I'm a huge fan of talking to parents. But in a case like this, I'd use extreme caution. It's easy to get in over your head assuming all parents have the same way of looking at this. There are some parents who turn a blind eye and get mad at you if you try to involve them. There are other parents who cannot see their angels as being anything but that, and they will defend their child as fiercely as any mama bear would. There are also, occasionally, home situations that are very, very bad and that is why the bully is acting out. In those situations, it can get very complicated very fast.

    An altercation in grade school, I can see just working it out mom to mom out in the hall. But full-on cruelty in high school, even I would find a mediator or at least get some info on the parents before contacting them.
     
  7. Sarah Maddie's Mom

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    For my money, this is the very best advice you've been given in the whole thread.
     
  8. selketine

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    I think perhaps the OP was told by the principal that this incident has gone past the GC's ability to deal with it (or something like that). I could have it wrong but I'd have to read through the thread again to find out so apologies if I do.

    I agree though that you'd think the GC deals with this issue in most schools.
     
  9. Sarah Maddie's Mom

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    Yes, I see that now. Well, in that case I would still want the guidance counselor involved to act as my daughter advocate and to know that she was in the loop so that if later my dd wanted to have a chance to talk through what happened the GC would be well versed.

    It's really strange though that the Principal said that. Unless it's gone to the point when the police are investigating, I can't imagine how the GC would not be included. :confused:
     
  10. MamaBear

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    I don't know why the principal said that either. She also said she doesn't do the discipline, that asistant principals do. So it's possible she doesn't actually know what steps would be taken to solve this. I did send the same email to the counselor that I sent to the Assistant principal. The counselor replied to tell me he had forwarded my email to the AP. Great that helped.

    Anyway. AP did finally call me back. She told me that she would like to talk firstly with my daughter tomorrow morning to get her side of the story and explain to her how they handle situations like this. She did say that they do not use names but rather try the "we've had reports from various people that you are doing such and such" type of approach. So after they talk to my daughter, they are going to talk to these girls and then get back to me and "go from there" Whatever that means.

    If it does come down to her staying here for homeshool... well I have to agree with this
    I don't care what these girls think of my girl, I don't care what they might assume if she does want to stop going to that school, or if they feel they've won by driving her out. If my daughter continues to have problems to the point where she is crying and asking to miss school, and her grades drop, she loses. And that I don't want.
     
  11. zakksmom

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    I totally agree with this whole opinion!!!!!!
     
  12. selketine

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    In the words of Kenny Rogers..."you gotta know when to hold 'em, when to fold 'em, when to walk away and when to run...." I agree with that.
     
  13. MamaBear

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    It is more emotional and verbal so far. I don't trust thought that it wouldn't come to blows. From my school experiences girl fights are much more brutal than boy fights. The thought scares me.

    She did open up a bit more. She actually sent me text messages from across the couch to tell me about a situation that has been going on daily. Goofy, but I don't care about the method of delivery. I am just glad she told me. These girls have been performing "cheers" on the bus and involving other students. They start with "Give me an F! Give me a U! Give me a C!.." and end with my daughter's name and a "what does that spell" :mad:cute..:mad: I asked what the driver is doing during all this. She said he's pretty old and doesn't hear or pay attention to half of what goes on.

    She is thinking she wants to finish 8th grade with home school, then maybe try the public high school in the fall. I think she hopes by then they will have forgotten about her. I looked into online courses run by our district and they do have home versions of her High School level math and other advanced courses she is taking. I need to contact the folks in charge of that and see what they have to tell me. We'll see.

    This has been hard to figure out. She's usually the friend trying to calm the waters when friends fight. And she's usually so low drama. I've admired about her that she has had the ability to not let things said about her bother her. She's had a thick skin I wished I had even at my age. But I guess when it's daily like this it could be hard for the strongest person to take. She came in and hugged me a bit ago and with tears welling up said "thank you." I asked for what and she said "for helping me." Are you kidding? These are my baby bears!
    Thanks all for your input. I appreciate it.
     
  14. Karenwith4

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    Oh I am so sorry to hear this.
    It sounds as though you are doing a great job supporting her.

    There are a few resources and suggestions listed here which might help you deal with this situation and help give your daughter some tools to ward off this stuff in the future

    What to do if your child is being bullied

    When your teen is bullied

    One thing to consider is to start forming/encouraging other outside connections for your daughter through sports, music etc. I think it's so important for kids to have circles of connections so that when one is painful there are others to support our kids.

    I also wanted to suggest contacting your homeschool group just to get info in case you need to make that decision quickly. Homeschooling is not limiting academically and can in fact allow kids to progress through their academics more quickly if they want to.

    A last thought - there are no winners on either side of the bullying situation and framing it that way can make it hard to see options and solutions. Your daughter doesn't "win" by sticking something out that is unhealthy for her and the bullies don't "win" if you decide the best way for your daughter to be happy, healthy and whole is to be removed from the situation. One of the best ways for you to address the bigger picture problem is to do exactly what you are doing - saying that this is not acceptable and demanding that the school and the community stand together to help all the kids figure out healthy ways to interact. Whatever you decide to do wrt to school to support your daughter, you are already helping these kids understand this isn't right. The decision about the best place for your daughter is not necessarily tied to solving/working on the bigger picture.

    Best of luck to you and your daughter.
    Karen
     
  15. Bigbluefrog

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    Your an awesome mom, I hope you find your answers. Nothing wrong with homeschooling, it would be good to get her off that bus.

    I remember bullies from my school day, some just never grow up....it's really quite pitiful.
     
  16. MamaBear

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    Thank you. It is painful. I hate, as any of us do, to see my kids hurting. She is telling me more and more a little at a time. She tells me they have also been calling her "skinny B!T%H" both outloud and in text.
     
  17. MamaBear

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    Thank you. I will definitely check out those links.
     
  18. Beach bum

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    And this is probably why they are picking on her. They are insecure with the fact that your daughter is so secure in her own skin. They want to see how far they can push her before she cracks.

    Mean girls suck.
    Hugs to you and your daughter for having to deal with this.

    Just remind her, no matter what, she is the better person for not even considering doing something like this to someone else.
     
  19. MamaBear

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    I was thinking this in the first place, but it really really got me thinking so more when she said they keep calling her skinny BCh. These girls are chubby and wear far too much makeup. My daughter is not skinny, but she is lean with insanely long legs, and she is developing to the point where I am going to have to really watch out for the boys. She doesn't wear makeup either. I bought her some, taught her to apply it, she has no interest. I figure if she's comfortable enough with herself to go without it, good for her! She has also always been able to get out there and dance without caring who sees, or if she looks goofy. I hope these girls don't succeed in whatever they're trying to do. I don't want my girl to lose her confidence in herself.


    ETA I am not knocking chubby girls btw. I'm not exactly on the long legged lean side myself. ;)
     
  20. selketine

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    There was a boy who used to tease me on the bus - he made me miserable! One day he had some "girlie" magazine and was sitting behind me - and lowered it down in front of my face and said something annoying. Well...I snatched it! I had it - and he KNEW he was in SO much trouble. The bus driver would have had him in front of the principal and his parents (we had a mean bus driver too - LOL!). Just before I got off the bus I turned around and handed him the magazine back and he looked absolutely eternally grateful - I mean I think he was going to cry - I never said a word. He never bothered me again either. In fact he was all around better behaved after that on the bus at least.;)

    You know those things can turn on a dime - I wish your daughter had a way to turn it.
     

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