- advertisement -

Sick of babysitting Husband

Discussion in 'Spouses and Significant Others' started by Sandy's mom, Jan 13, 2008.

  1. Sandy's mom

    Sandy's mom Approved members

    Joined:
    Jan 12, 2008
    Messages:
    495
    Hi, I'm new. I found this site from my daughter's diabetes "team". I hate that she needs a team. She's 7 yrs old. Diabetic for 6 days now.

    I'm so angry with my husband right now. The drs. said this is not genetic disease, I don't believe it. So many on this site have both spouse and child type 1s, how can it not be genetic?

    Husband's been diabetic since he was 10 yrs old. 25 yrs. I'm the one who subscribed to the ADA magz. I'm the one who learned about Lantis,his pump, Symlin, found the best endocrin, cooks all the healthy meals. Reads all the labels everywhere.

    Now my beautiful, innocent sweet daughter has this horrible disease. Life has forever changed.

    Does anyone else think it's genetic? Why don't they screen test type 1s kids? Or at least tell us? I'm so tired of diabetes. What does that word mean anyway? I'm going to make you and your whole family's life hell????? Sorry for the rant....
     
    Last edited: Feb 26, 2008
  2. OSUMom

    OSUMom Approved members

    Joined:
    Sep 10, 2006
    Messages:
    5,324
    I'm so sorry for your daughter's recent diagnosis... You've got to be going through a ton a emotions understandably so.

    When I read your post I fast forward to my son being married, having a family, and having a daughter being diagnosed.... my son would be devestated...

    I can't explain why your husband is not participating and I'm sorry. Maybe soon you both can have a calm conversation about feelings and everyone participating in the care for your daughter.

    Really this is so difficult. My heart goes out to you as I'm a mom too. :cwds:
     
  3. D's Mom

    D's Mom Approved members

    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2008
    Messages:
    17
    I am sorry to hear about your struggle. It took me back to the day of our diagnosis. It is heart breaking. The doctors told me that it doesn't have to be genetic but it can be. The only person in either of our families to have diabetes was my grandfather. He passed before I was born and it was so long ago that no one knows what type of diabetes he had. Long before the technology we have today so it is hard to say...
     
  4. Helen

    Helen Approved members

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2007
    Messages:
    15
    hang in there....

    Hi there,

    As a mom, I am imagining how you must be feeling. I have two little boys both nondiabetic, but I often think about the chance of one of them being diagnosed. My husband is a Type 1 and I can certainly understand the toll that a disease like diabetes takes on the family. I have also been doing research on wives of Type 1's and it is clear that it is not an easy process. Having a child and a husband with this complicated disease is difficult to bear. This is a very supportive site and you will find many wonderful parents from whom you can find support and good information.

    Hang in there.

    Helen

    P.S. One of the reasons your husband may not be participating is because he might be feeling some guilt about the possibility that he may have passed it on and that might be difficult for him to bear as well.
     
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2008
  5. Amy C.

    Amy C. Approved members

    Joined:
    Oct 22, 2005
    Messages:
    5,560
    Welcome to this site. You will find a common bond among the parents here -- we all have a child living with diabetes. You need time to mourn the life you had as well start on a new course.

    You may not think your daughter needs a team, but there are many aspects for learning to live with diabetes in the house. Each person on the diabetes team can offer ways to cope. I am thankful for my team that helped me get through those first few weeks.

    I believe the current thought is that diabetes has a genetic aspect, but also some sort of trigger. Not all children of diabetics get diabetes -- some, but not all.

    I looked up the origin of diabetes. Diabetes comes from Latin meaning a siphon and the Greek meaning to pass through. It refers to any of various diseases charactierized by an excessive discharge of urine.

    Sandy is still your wonderful daughter -- that should never change.

    There is a screening test that can be done called TrialNet. Sometimes they can predict a child will develope diabetes but there isn't anything that can be done to prevent Type 1 from developing. They don't know why some develop diabetes and other don't.

    I was the one who jumped on the bandwagon and learned about diabetes with a child. Each parent reacts differently. I imagine your husband has a lot of unsaid emotions right now. It is common for the mother to be more proactice than the father.
     
    twodoor2 likes this.
  6. Christopher

    Christopher Approved members

    Joined:
    Nov 20, 2007
    Messages:
    6,771
    2 cents

    Amy C summed things up very well and I don't have much to add. But I will say this. Try not to be angry at your husband. Diabetes is no ones fault. Take that energy and use it to care for your daughter. Use that energy to be her advocate, she will need it. In dealing with schools, neighbors, coaches, even family members. As several people have already said, you are going through a whole range of emotions that we have all gone through. Once the shock wears off, you will learn to get into a routine, a "new normal" as some people like to say. Make sure that diabetes is one piece of the pie, and not the pan the whole pie is in, if that makes any sense now.

    With your help, there is no reason your daughter can't do anything she wants to do, grow up and be a happy, healthy woman. Your perspective will change as time goes on. I am sorry this happened to your family but know that you are not alone. I guess that is it for now. Take care,

    Chris
     
  7. Momof4gr8kids

    Momof4gr8kids Approved members

    Joined:
    Sep 3, 2006
    Messages:
    4,143
    You've gotten a lot of good feed back already, but I feel the need to throw my 2 cents into the mix.

    My husband has type 1 diabetes. He's had since he was little. We both knew when we started a family that him having Type 1 put our kids at a higher risk of having type 1.

    There is a genetic component according to the Barbra Davis Center, and researchers do know which anti bodies and which genes cause type 1 diabetes. However more people with the gene and the antibodies never get type 1. There is actually a huge natural history study to try and identify why some people with the gene and antibodies get it, and others don't.

    It's odd, when our DD was dx'd my husband beat himself up. I never thought of blaming him, he did that well enough on his own. I think I never thought of blaming him because I knew that diabetes was not his fault. I knew the risks when I married him, and had kids with him, but I love both him and my DD and diabetes or not I would not erase my marriage or having my daughter.

    I think men and women tend to manage problems different. Men are typically fixers, and women care takers. You've done a lot to take care of your husband and that is very sweet of you. Though I would suggest that you stop because it sounds like you feel resentful about it.I do understand why you researched and have taken such good care of your husband. You have the same fear that all of us wives do. That we will be widowed early, or that our husbands will be very sick... the possibilities are not pretty. The big thing is, your husband is grown. He can manage himself and will (maybe not in your way) manage it if you don't. Right now you need to just worry about your sweet Sandy, and even enlist his help.

    I'd also suggest writing him a note and let him know how you feel about all of this using I statements. "I feel angry when you.... "
    And also include your needs. I really need you to learn about... or check Sandy's bg overnight... or whatever else.

    As for the team, you're lucky to have them. If you need a second opinion on some advise you have more people to ask. You have a large knowledge base, and while they may seem overwhelming they will be a great asset.

    Did you know that diabetes is the only disease where 98% of the care is done by the patient? That is a huge reason why it is so draining.

    Well, Take care, Jamie
     
  8. amber3cs

    amber3cs Approved members

    Joined:
    Jan 19, 2008
    Messages:
    225
    Hi Sandy, You must still be in a state of shock. My 4 yr old was dx'd 6 weeks ago ( no family history of type 1 on either side). We are coping a lot better than we were but it's still a struggle. Every now and then the grief will hit me and I'll end up in tears over nothing (well not really over nothing but hope you know what I mean).
    I've been really grateful for the support we've received both online and from the medical team.
    Hope things start to get a little easier for you soon.
    Anne:cwds:
     
  9. Tamara Gamble

    Tamara Gamble Approved members

    Joined:
    Jul 28, 2006
    Messages:
    1,227
    Sandy, I'm not going to be so nice. I'm sorry that your child was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes but things happen. Blaming your husband is not going to help anyone or anything. I personally feel that you are way out of line. I have an autoimmune disease and felt like I did this to my son for about a second until I woke up and realized that things happen, so get over it and on with it.

    My son has type 1 diabetes. My son is also still my son. He is smart, he is funny, he is compassionate, he is alot of things, there is just a glitch in the system.

    Genetics can open a doorway but do not cause type 1 diabetes. More than likely she caught a virus somewhere it mutated and she got type 1 diabetes. We don't have type 1 in our family and my son got it.

    I have a low thyroid, my grandmother had MS, my mother, sisters, aunts all have hypo thyroid issues. I'm sure that there are a ton of autoimmune diseases out there that are genetically linked to this disease in some way.

    How would you feel if in a strange turn of events you found that the autoimmune diseases are prevelant on your side and you found out your husband had nothing to do with it. How would you feel if he blamed you for it?

    The way that you are approaching this is extremely unhealthy for everyone. Your husband may have type 1 but you are emotionally damaging him and it will emotionaly damage your daughter if you don't get a grip. I think you should get some help for your own well being.

    I'm sorry to sound so harsh but truthfully this is edited. I have been with my husband for 21 years and we would never even dream of hurting eachother or our family this way.

    I am sorry that this disease is what it is and that you are having difficulty coping but it will get better.

    By the way, your daughter is still your sweet daughter, there is just a glitch in the system.

    Good luck to you!

    Tami
     
  10. Sandy's mom

    Sandy's mom Approved members

    Joined:
    Jan 12, 2008
    Messages:
    495
    doing better!

    Thanks to everyone who responded with support.

    When I posted that original post it was one week after our daughter's diagnosis. 3 days home from the hospital. 15 minutes after pouring glucose gel and orange juice down my husband's mouth because he was shaking and flopping from a low in the middle of the night. I needed to vent. No one I know in my personal life can possibly understand.

    I love my husband deeply. I fell in love with with him before I knew he was diabetic. I chose to marry him for better or worse. I don't think any one can really understand diabetes unless you live with someone who has it. Those nighttime lows are the worst for me. They only happen about twice a year but they scare the heck out of me. The timing of that one stunk. I pray already that our little girl will marry a very strong, caring, compassionate man. AND CGMS is perfected by then!;) Even better yet- a cure.

    I am so thankful CWD exists. These forums are wonderful. I thank each and everyone of you positive people here. I need you!!!
     
  11. OSUMom

    OSUMom Approved members

    Joined:
    Sep 10, 2006
    Messages:
    5,324
    I'm thankful to read your updated post that you are doing better Sandy's mom. :cwds: I've found it's such a roller coaster this life with diabetes in the family. I hope my son finds someone to love him 'after' the diabetes. :cwds: This place is wonderful!!! Wishing you and your family wellness all the way around!!! {{{hugs}}} from Ohio.... :)
     
  12. Tamara Gamble

    Tamara Gamble Approved members

    Joined:
    Jul 28, 2006
    Messages:
    1,227
    Sandy's mom, Maybe I was a little harsh. The way your thread read to me is that your husband does nothing to help and he is to blame and you wanted proof. I came into this forum wondering about the struggles that spouses have with their significant other and joys as well, out of curiosity.

    I know that people need to vent but I sat here thinking: OMG what if my Tyler ends up in the same boat and his wife wants to blame him? He could never forgive himself anyway, the blame game would utterly destroy him.

    I can understand you hating diabetes and being upset that your daughter ended up with it and I can understand the stress of treating an extreme low with your husband but that is not how your post read.

    I am glad that things are better and I am glad that you have a great marriage. Things will get better in time.

    Good luck to you.

    Tami
     
  13. zell828

    zell828 Approved members

    Joined:
    Feb 20, 2008
    Messages:
    1,918
    I am so sorry you are dealing with your husband and now daughter's diabetes. I am sure it is very overwhelming for you and stressful. Plus, finding out about your daughter recently was traumatic too I am sure.

    I know first hand that sometimes illnesses of our spouses can push one away or send them over the edge. I am epileptic and for years I was in denial of helping myself. It pushed my husband over the edge to where he spiraled into a major depression episode and post traumatic stress (for witnessing the seizures). It took what it was doing to him for me to finally wake up and take responsibility for myself and get help. Our marriage has survived, but it was a long road to get to where we are at now. All I can say, is be honest with your partner, get help for yourself if you are getting over stressed with the illness. Don't let it build up to the point of destruction or where you want to "run away" from it. You have a right to be angry, hurt, scared, and sad too.
     
  14. TracieandJim

    TracieandJim Approved members

    Joined:
    Feb 10, 2008
    Messages:
    1,713
    Sandy, I cant offer an opinion about genetics and diabetes. I can tell you however that my 20mth old, diagnosed only last month, is the only person in my family with Type 1 diabetes. When I say family I mean mine and my husbands going back 4 generations. My husband has a blood related Uncle who is type 2 and a Grandmother who has passed who was type 2.They were diagnosed as adults. I have a non-blood related Aunt who is chemically induced type 2. So... genetics? I dunno but its crazy to say the least.

    Tracie
     
  15. CDoyle1013

    CDoyle1013 Approved members

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2006
    Messages:
    153
    I do feel your pain...my daughter (then 8) was diagnosed one month after learning that her Dad would die at any time from his cancer. I had two to care for. I wish I still had him back, despite having to change the bedsheets every day, wash his soiled pants, make sure he got his chemo and radiation (his ankles and feet swelled to the point of bleeding - we used a blood pressure cuff over and over to try to put pressure on his extremities to try to reduce the swelling). Now, I was my three children on my own. Not a day goes by that I don't wish that he was here...he would be proud of our daughter and I am not leaving this Earth until there is a cure for this disease.
     
  16. CDoyle1013

    CDoyle1013 Approved members

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2006
    Messages:
    153
    BTW..no history of diabetes on either side of our family
     
  17. OSUMom

    OSUMom Approved members

    Joined:
    Sep 10, 2006
    Messages:
    5,324
    I'm so sorry. How tragic and what a difficult time for all of you.

    My avatar of the pig is in honor of the work that Living Cell Technology is doing with pig cell transplantations. I visualize a cure!!! I'm there with you!!! :cwds::cwds:
     
  18. BlessedIAm

    BlessedIAm Approved members

    Joined:
    Nov 28, 2007
    Messages:
    49
    Hi, Sandy! I know you posted eons ago. I've been a little scarce around here lately. Sorry.

    However, I want to say hello. I took one look at the date of diagnosis and the date of your post and was able to see where you were coming from because you know, "I've been there, done that." My DH is also type 1 and our DS was diagnosed a little over a year ago. I did fall into depression for a couple of weeks after he was diagnosed and there was a few months thereafter that I doubted the stability of the relationship DH and I had (and we definitely were not having problems in our relationship before). It was just such a stressful time and in some ways the fact that I knew more than the average parent with a newly diagnosed diabetic child may have done more to worry me than help me.

    Even though my DH is diabetic he really isn't that much help in taking care of DS. I know so many people would find this shocking. I am the one to do all of the research and get up at night to do sugar checks. I was 3 months pregnant when our DS was diagnosed and after several months we decided I would quit my job. So in some ways I understand why DH leaves all of his care to me b/c he trusts me and I am home with him, etc. But even now I would love it if he would take on a more active participation in his care. Honestly, I am better at carb counting than DH but it's turned out to be a blessing b/c DH has gotten so much better at carb counting and taking better care of himself.

    I do feel that people seem to think that since we have experience with diabetes that having a child diagnosed with diabetes is "easier." I don't think finding out any kind of diagnosis such as this is ever easy for any parent. It is stressful. It is painful to see your child suffer. Diabetes complicates your life and your child's life. When I met DH he had been diabetic for a few years and I never felt like I needed to take care of him. I always assumed that he knew how to take care of himself (even though for many years I knew he wasn't doing things exactly right and could do so much better taking care of himself). Still...."I" was not responsible for his care. There is a big difference.

    I'm glad you are doing better. I still have moments when I need a diabetes vent. I think all of us do.
     
  19. shekov

    shekov Approved members

    Joined:
    Feb 22, 2008
    Messages:
    2,382
    Hi! Wish I'd found your post earlier!

    D runs on my side of the family and I did feel the guilt of passing the disease along. I also knew when I had biological children that passing along the tendency for d was there. It didn't change my mind about having them.

    My husband is not very involved with d care of our daughter either. I think you'll find there are A LOT of us who are in that boat.

    You will also find some incredibly invovled dads here who offer great advice and insight.

    I know that there are a few of us on this site who have scary D experiences as spouses, children, and siblings of type 1s. It's hard for people who don't live that to understand how that affects your perspective when you have a d child as well.

    I just want you to know that I totally get it. You can pm me when you're having a bad day, night, week, year....
     
  20. RosemaryCinNJ

    RosemaryCinNJ Approved members

    Joined:
    Mar 9, 2008
    Messages:
    3,571
    Does anyone else think it's genetic? Why don't they screen test type 1s kids? Or at least tell us? I'm so tired of diabetes. What does that word mean anyway? I'm going to make you and your whole family's life hell????? Sorry for the rant....[/QUOTE]


    If they would of screened your child at birth and told you that one day soon she would have Type 1 diabetes would you of not wanted her? Of course not!! Please do NOT be angry at your husband, this is no ones fault. Diabetes does not have to make your whole familys life hell..that is why you need the diabetic team...No one will promise you that diabetes is easy, but at least you had some common knowledge of handling this disease before your DD was diagnosed..)NOT that it made it easier to deal with your DD diagnosis!!) but most of us parents didnt have that. My daughter was diagnosed at 13 mos old she is now 2...nobody has type 1 in our families..
    Please dont be angry...this is no ones fault.. play the hand you are dealt and know that you are not alone...Use the diabetes team to help you and of course the wonderful people here too. Stay strong..your family needs you. I am so sorry for your DD diagnosis...and sorry you had to find these boards...but welcome :)
     
    Last edited: May 16, 2008

Share This Page

- advertisement -

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice