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Our worst week ever...

Discussion in 'Parents of Children with Type 1' started by KylorsMom, Mar 27, 2013.

  1. SandiT

    SandiT Approved members

    Mar 30, 2013
    My daughter was dx in December. It's been 3 months... and I spent last night crying my head off.

    Here's the thing, though. My daughter is happy. She's fine. She even tells people "I have diabetes" as if she's saying, "I won a blue ribbon!" I'm not sure how I feel about that, but I suspect it will wear off, lol.

    The fog takes time, and depends on how much sleep you can squeeze in. Rest when you can, it will help a lot.

    If it's any consolation, when I was in the fog, I gave my daughter 5 units of NPH one night. For a reference, she was supposed to get 1 at night and 5 in the morning...

    I lost it. I felt like the worst mother in the whole. entire. WORLD.

    I called in a panic and the nurse didn't openly laugh, but she was very nonchalant about it. "Just wake her up and give her orange juice through the night, she'll be fine." Even that event was worse on us than it was on our daughter... she got tired of fighting it and let us do the last few checks with only some tears and right back to sleep.

    So what you need to know right now, most of all, is that it will continue to be hard on you now and again... but once your child adapts, it will get soooo much easier. I can't tell you how profound it was when my daughter started telling everyone, "I'm an old pro at this now" and would let me do her shot with minimal wincing.

    A good tip, when you get past these first few days, is to try to find a way to help your child "get it" with regards to taking the shots and finger pokes.

    For my daughter, telling her, "You know, pretty soon, you'll be the big girl showing another little child with diabetes how to be strong and brave. You'll be an old pro and able to help them out and show them the ropes." She became very proud to be "a pro" at it.

    If you can find something like that to help your DS, it will help you on many levels. The hardest part of this all is hurting our child. We HAVE TO, and in some ways, that only makes it worse... "Pick one... stab your child or watch him die" is a horrifying, agonizing choice. EVEN when "stab your child" only means with a needle.

    The home visit nurse said flat out, "I see parents that won't give them their insulin because they don't want to hurt them". So you're ahead of the game by knuckling down, tears and all, and saving your baby boy. Hard as it is, take comfort knowing that there are some parents who haven't the courage or strength to continue on, even in the face of what will happen if they don't.

    You do, and that's worth something. To you, it seems "obvious", but some haven't the courage to carry on.

    You're doing great. Hang in there. From 3 months ahead of you, I tell you right now that your baby will become the old pro, faster than you can imagine right now. It DOES seem impossible. People told me she would, but I just thought, "You haven't seen how traumatized she is!" The screaming, the tears, omg!

    But she's the old pro now. She asks for finger pokes. She asks to get an extra shot so she can have a treat (no, you little twerp, you can't have an extra shot and eat a whole chocolate bunny! Good lord, child! You were never allowed to eat a whole chocolate bunny, and it's not changing now!).

    The challenges change.

    Yes, it could be worse. So what? I mean, really. So what? People say that because they're trying to help, but it isn't helpful. What's helpful is to know that even if it could be worse, it's okay to feel lost, afraid, lonely, adrift, confused, anxious, and petrified.

    And furthermore, my child could die in her sleep, so please, for the love of god, don't try to tell me that it's NOT THAT BAD! It IS that bad, and it IS that scary, and it IS a loss. I don't have the peace of mind of sending my kid to bed and not thinking about or wondering if she's going to wake up tomorrow. I just don't.

    So yeah. It's THAT BAD. Yeah, I'll cope most of the time, but sometimes I won't. And that's okay.

    Okay? It's okay to sometimes not be able to cope. Because diabetes can be dangerous. It can be deadly. It's NOT an irrational fear, it's a real one.

    But you'll cope, except when you don't. And both are okay.

    From my side, I can see that you're going to do great. As horrible as it all feels, YOU ARE DOING IT. So you'll get there. You will, because you're doing what must be done to do so.

    And you know what? I OD'd my daughter on insulin while I was in the fog. Right before bedtime. And she's still here. So you can mess up even horrifically sometimes, and be okay. You can come out the other end with a happy kid who's the old pro.

    I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but keep on keeping on. In just a couple of months, that hospital stay will feel like a year ago (and yesterday). It'll soon feel like you've been doing this forever--in good and bad ways. Those good ways are something to look forward to.
  2. skyblufig

    skyblufig Approved members

    Jan 31, 2013
    Thanks for that entire post. It's exactly what I needed today.:)
  3. Andy'sMom

    Andy'sMom Approved members

    Jan 16, 2008
    Hi Kim - I'm so sorry you are joining our forum, but I'll share with you the thing I craved to hear the most - your son will grow up and be healthy and strong and a normal kid! Diabetes is a total pain in the rear and comes with a lot of strife and irritation and fear and frustration (and lack of sleep) but in the end, you and your husband will manage it and your son will thrive and be a healthy, happy kid. Diabetes will not hold him back. This month is our 8 year anniversary with D and Andy is healthy, happy, playing baseball and soccer and overall busy being a normal kid. His D management isn't perfect (whose is??) and that's okay too. Case in point, we went to breakfast yesterday morning as a treat and I totally guessed on the carbs and didn't bolus enough and he was 250 when I tested later, but you know what, oh well. I corrected him with lunch and he came down to 97 - perfect! I hate it when I miss with the carb counting (and I really try my best everytime), but it's totally worth it to have a nice breakfast out with the family! D management for us is give and take (I just got off the phone with the school, where someone stole his snack from the snack bin ... first time that happened, but we had him pick an alternative snack from the choices we keep at school for emergency/lockdown situation) and he was just as happy. We changed the bolus and away he went. We take what comes and move on. We try to stay flexible. Things do get better! Don't get me wrong, it still really stinks and I'd give anything to take that burden from him, but he's doing great - and that makes it okay. You'll find your new normal and you'll be okay and he'll be okay! And siblings will be okay. I don't have any advice there as my other 2 came after Andy so for them, life has always included Andy's diabetes. Good luck and stop by here often. I usually just read ... everyone has different ways of doing things, but it's all good to read!


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