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Need sisterly-separation-anxiety advice

Discussion in 'Parents Off Topic' started by Mody_Jess_Pony, May 18, 2010.

  1. Mody_Jess_Pony

    Mody_Jess_Pony Approved members

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    I have a new boyfriend we have been steady for awhile now and he's coming down for two weeks. From the beginning my little sister has hated this guy, why I'm not sure, he's sweet and cares deeply about me. We recently talked about marriage and the direction we want to move in and have started making a few plans. My little sister I think feels like she's losing me, it was hard on her, me being away for a full year and I think she see's this boy as someone who is going to take me away from her. I'm not sure how to deal with her or what to say to help her realize that no boy can ever take me away from her. However I am older then her and at a different stage in my life, I can't drop the man I'm in love with just because she doesn't want to lose me.
    We could include her in a few of our activities, except for our romantic camping backwoods get-away trip.
    but what can I do to sooth her anxieties about losing me? surely some of you have been in this situation as a lot of you are married here. What can I do to make her feel better??
    How do I tell her she'll always be my baby sister????? I love her and I want her to love her potential BIL he's amazing and likes a lot of what she likes.
    Should I plan an activity thats special just her and me???What can I do??
     
  2. Emma'sDad

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    Tough call Jess. We all have to grow up some day. With my brother, we're 9 years apart. By the time that I moved out, he was so busy with his friends, that it didn't really phase him a bit that I left. Now we both have our seperate families and we all get together once in awhile. And by the time that I got out of school, trying to study all those years with the wracket that he brought into the house, I was more than happy to get out of that house. My room was less than two beds wide. I somehow fit my bed, a small desk and my 2-speaker guitar amplifier inside the closet!!! lol

    All this to say. I don't really know what to suggest to you Jess. Maybe sit down with her and talk about 'your' future together. Ask her where she sees herself in the future and how 'you' fit in. Are you going to live close to each other? Are you guys looking forward to being aunts to each other's children, etc... Do it over popcorn, chocolates and whatever else girls do together, lol. Good luck!
     
  3. LizinTX

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    Well Jess, I can only give you my perspective. See I was the little sister. My sister is nine years older than me, so she had her college years and boyfriends and I did feel like I was losing her. When she brought her boyfriend home, I didn't like him either, in fact I couldn't stand him, I wanted him gone. She was constantly telling me that he loved her and blah blah blah. They eventually married, and he turned out to be an abuser, they are still married and have been for nearly 28 years. My sister and I no longer speak. To much of my begging and pleading for her to leave, she stayed because of the children, well the children are grown and gone and she is still with him. He made family get-togethers very bad, tension filled and just plain awful. He caused her more pain and tears than anyone has a right to, but what can ya do, she made her choice.

    There is of course, more to the story, but this is the jest of it.

    I think you need to have a heart to heart with your sister, find out if it is just about losing you or is there really something about your boyfriend that she doesn't like, don't discount her feelings even if she can't pinpoint exactly "why" she doesn't like him. Find out if she doesn't like seeing you with "any" guy or if it is just this particular one. I couldn't pinpoint exactly why I didn't like my sister's bf there was just something about "him", there were other guys she brought around that I liked just fine. However, my sister decided that I was just jealous about this particular one, and she has had a miserable marriage.

    I am telling this to you, because I only want the best for you. I do hope that whatever happens in your future, that your bf/spouse and your sister/family gets along--it makes things so much easier.

    Good luck ((hugs))
     
  4. sarahspins

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    While I do agree with this, as someone with both a younger sister (6 years younger) and a younger brother (15 years younger) I do think it's important for your relationship to try to retain some "one on one" time with your sibling. I know it's tough, and you may feel like you're choosing your sister over your boyfriend, but the truth is, these issues probably started long before you started seeing him, and it's really not *because* of him, and at this stage, trying to do things "with" both of them may only make things worse. You really need to have a "girls day" (or a few) :) Even if you can steal away an hour here and there to do things with just her, that can make a big difference.

    I know it's harder for me especially to MAKE the time with my siblings (I have an older too) because I have 3 kids of my own, and trust me my time without them is very rare.. but I still think that it is important (as is spending time with everyone together, but that only comes after any other issues in the relationship are fixed).
     
  5. zimbie45

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    Tough call. as every one and every relationship is diffrent.. 1st i too and the younger sibling ( but only by 3, 4 and 6 years) I was close to my sisters and as they got to the point of getting serious with someone.. They still made sure they included me on our 1 on 1 time together with out there significant other.. They also included me in some outings with the boyfriend.. What i thougt was the coolest thing is that once when things got serious.. My sisters then boyfriend brought her to come visit me at my hang out... did this several times. HTe best was when he asked me if he could marry my sister.. IT was fantastic.. I turned from hating him to liking him over time. It was not over night.. Also maybe if its ok with your mom and him.. Maybe he and she can go do something that they can do together...
     
  6. Deannas mom

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    Hey Jess

    I'm seeing this with my two daughters.. they are 5-1/2 years apart. My older daughter has been seeing the same guy now for more than 4 years, she is now in college but still lives home. In the next few months they will be getting an apartment together...Deanna is not happy about this..she loves her sisters boyfriend and he has always been really great with Deanna, he called her his buddy, he has even been great about taking care of her D stuff. But now that her sister will be moving out she has started to show resentment towards him..and is fighting more with her sister more than normal..I had a heart to heart with Deanna and asked her if she wanted to talk about her sister moving out..Deanna started crying saying that she didn't want her to move out, she is afraid that she will never see her again or that Dan will not be around anymore. I really believe that this process is a part of growing up. It will be hard at first, but once she sees that, just because they wont be in the same house any longer wont mean that they will no longer be a part of each others lives. it will be fine.. Angel has told Deanna that she can help them look at apartments , and Dan assured her that she will always be his buddy...
    as long as you keep reassuring your sister that even tho some things are going to change, that change brings with it great adventures..she'll have a whole new place to go to and it only means that her world is growing..
     
  7. twicker1

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    How much younger is your sister? I don't really know how to answer since I'm the older one (5 years), and my sister and I always stayed REALLY close. I had a serious boyfriend my senior year, and she loved him because he would always rent movies that we could all watch, he bought her AND my dad Christmas gifts, and one time when I was sick, he brought me soup from one restaurant, and her food from another. (My family still questions why I let him go)

    DH now, was around a lot, and they've always got along. Very strange timeline, but DH and I got married right after my senior year. I was gone for almost the whole summer, and DH would come watch movies with her when my dad was at work, run her to her friend's house if she needed, and anything else she needed.

    After we were living away from home, she started dating, and DH would basically let the guys know if they were messed with her, they had to answer to my dad AND him.

    I know you are away from home, but if possible, let him do stuff for her too. Call and see if what she wants for dinner, if she wants a movie, etc. In a nut shell, he needs to court her too. I also agree with the sisterly talk about if there is something that puts her off? Is there something that she sees wrong with him?
     
  8. lauraqofu

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    As someone who has been on both sides of this issue, I can empathize with you and your sister.

    On the one hand, sometimes the people who love us see negative parts of the people we're in love with that we can't see. It is possible that because you are in love you're seeing all the great things about him, and love is blinding you to his less favorable characteristics. Does anyone else in your life dislike him? Does she have reasons that she's articulated to you about disliking him?

    On the other hand, it may just be fear of losing you, and jealousy because you're in a different place in your life than she is in hers.

    Either way, you really need to have a heart to heart with your sister. Since you care enough to post here, I assume you care about her and want to continue to have a close relationship with her as you go through your life. She needs to know that. She needs to know that even though you'll have your own life...a husband, kids, a career...you'll always be her big sister and you'll always want her in your life. Make sure to make time for her. Maybe a once a month (or every couple of months) "sister's night." And don't blow off plans with her to go out with him, because that isn't going to make her like him. Make it clear you aren't choosing him over her, that you may be his girlfriend, buy that doesn't make you any less her sister....
     
  9. RomeoEcho

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    One thing that I have always noticed is that relationships change once one or both people pair off. I often feel that I have lost the individual to the couple, and really only see them together after that. Even if you like both people, things change, and change is hard. Try to continue to schedule time with her that is just the two of you, and try not to talk about things other than just him in that time together. Let her see that you are still you.

    Also, give her time to get used to the idea. 12 years ago, my sister brought home a new guy. And I really didn't like him, he was weird and strange and I wanted better for my sister. But he grew on me, especially as I saw how perfect he was for her. He ended up more my brother than my brother in law, and his death was one of the hardest I've ever faced. Let her accept him on her own schedule, good chance she'll come around eventually.

    Good luck.
     
    Last edited: May 19, 2010

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