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My vent

Discussion in 'Parents Off Topic' started by Lakeman, Nov 15, 2011.

  1. Lakeman

    Lakeman Approved members

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    I don't always understand the need some have to vent but I now have my own to share.

    It seems my own kids have chosen to shame the family name and in the case of my dear daughter with diabetes this habit has made carb counting at breakfast that much harder. Seriously, my breakfast routine has become tenfold more complicated since this notion has taken hold in my house. And so with tongue firmly planted cheekwise I direct you all to this article (linked and reprinted) I read once upon a time. If it were not so insidious it would be funny.


    http://articles.chicagotribune.com/...breakfast-cereals-greg-zimprich-general-mills

    "We know each other, you and I. We've been together for about three years. I trust you now.

    So I am going to let you in on a deep personal secret. And if public confession means the end of my career, too bad. I've just got to unburden myself:

    I am an anti-multicerealist.

    I can't help it. I am strongly opposed to the mixing of breakfast cereals.

    Now there are people out there who mix cereals. You might know a few. These insects hide out on the baseboards of life, secretly mixing their Froot Loops with Trix, and so on, with the kitchen blinds drawn.

    They are furtive. They are lost. They dare mix Lucky Charms and Nesquik and call themselves good Americans?

    Here is the news for today. There is another name for evil. It's mycereal.com. Beware.

    Now, I have a dream that one day, we'll become one people, our children free of cultural or racial prejudices--thus fulfilling the old American melting pot ideal with love and harmony. Then we can all pick on the poor.

    When it comes to breakfast cereals, it's different. Those who foolishly mix Count Chocula with Frankenberry are not only psycho, they should be caned and prohibited from serving in federal government.

    But the big cereal-making company General Mills wants to help you mix cereals on the Internet. They're setting up a secret test-marketing program.

    And here's how it works. They give you a password, you log on to a secret Internet Web site at mycereal.com, and you can pick from all their cereals and mix them at will.

    They fill up boxes with the percentages you've ordered, and deliver the noxious concoctions to your door.

    This is no joke. General Mills is actually diluting the American cereal culture by melding tastes together--and telling us that it's a good thing for the country.

    "There's literally a million different combinations," said Greg Zimprich, the humorless spokesman for General Mills, who spilled his plans to Slim the Legman over the phone this week.

    "People can go to the site and select different combinations of cereals," continued the Zimprich creature. "They can choose all kinds of flakes, nuts and clusters and granola pieces, and the marbits in Lucky Charms."

    At least we now know what devious multicerealists call the shamrocks, moons, stars and other magically delicious bits of Lucky Charms. They call them marbits. And I don't care why.

    "There's literally a million combinations," he said. "We're trying out the effectiveness of different marketing levers in getting consumers to the site. Different types of advertising and marketing tools.

    "But I can't really talk about the details. We're trying some things. I can't get into the details," the Zimprich creature said. "I can't. I don't. I can't talk."

    Well, you've done enough, Mr. Zimprich. You cracked and told me what I want to know. You sung and loudly, just like a former alderman from Bridgeport on his first visit to the federal grand jury.

    Now we know that General Mills is acting like the cereal equivalent of Dr. Moreau, last played by a blimpish Marlon Brando, who mixed humans and animals and made frightening creatures and ended in misery, before he could infect humankind.

    And now, Mr. Zimprich, we must rise up, like free men, and stop you.

    According to a news release--not provided by the secretive Zimprich--General Mills came up with this idea a few months ago, but word of it had been suppressed in the Chicago area.

    And as a confirmed Cocoa Krispies lover--it is the only dignified cereal, and many middle-age men have an addiction to this tasty puffed rice delicacy--it is my duty to tell you of their maniacal designs.

    "Through mycereal.com, the company hopes to gain valuable consumer insight while responding to consumers who ask the company to create a special cereal based on their own specific health and taste needs," the Business Wire news release said.

    "Because only a few people are interested in any one particular idea, the company has been precluded from developing mass-marketed cereals to meet those limited needs."

    There are hundreds of breakfast cereals on the market. I know, because my family has been in the supermarket business in Chicago for about 40 years.

    I stamped, bagged, stacked and delivered tons of cereal as a kid working at the family store on the South Side. So I asked my own expert, my brother Peter, who runs the family business now.

    He deals with unctuous cereal company salesmen who smile, tell their little jokes, and try to push competitors off the shelves, into cereal oblivion.

    Will this catch on?

    "I hate so-called healthy cereals. And it's the most stupid idea I've ever heard of," Pete said. "What a waste of time."

    So you don't think the personalized cereal thing will catch on?

    "No. I'm still trying to figure out Grape Nuts," he said. "What is that? Rocks in a box? So if you mix Grape Nuts with All Bran, you can call it `Rocks and Hay.' Enjoy it."

    I'll stick with Cocoa Krispies. And I'll never mix them. Never."

    Well, there you have it! And now that you can all see the offensive act my kids commit at least once a week my only question is: Does this travesty touch your household too?
     
  2. VinceysMom

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    Yes! Sometimes... when there is a little of this and a little of that... and oh yes, more of a little of this, and a little of that... yep, sometimes it does get mixed together... ewe...that's just not for me. I like my Frosted Flakes. :p
     
  3. Illinifan

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    Be on the look out. There is a similar phenomena that has existed in the world of soft drinks for quite some time now. The perps call their creations "Suicides" and for good reason. They mix different sodas and other fountain drinks together. This is most easily accomplished at fast food restaurants where you pour your own drink. However, the most potent concoctions are mixed at gas station convenience stores which typically have Coke, Pepsi and other assorted soft drinks on tap.

    While I abhor the mixing of pure soft drinks as a general rule, it is possible that I might have, at one time, only one time, just as an experiment, never to be repeated, put a splash of Cherry Coke in my glass of Diet Coke, just for "a little flavor".

    :rolleyes:
     
  4. VinceysMom

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    Oh, my son LOVES to experiment with sodas... I think one day he will create his own drink... he mixes lemon juice and lime juice with just about any flavored soda.. ha! yuk! :eek:
     
  5. kiwimum

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    Thank goodness! I thought Tyler was the only one who HAS to have a bit of soda from each darn tap at the soda fountain. :D
     
  6. Bigbluefrog

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    What in the World are these people thinking?!!
    Mixing cereals! Shocking.

    Mixing soda pop!

    Mixing alcohol beverages!

    Rocks and hay cereal...tmj suicide:eek:
     
  7. Brensdad

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    I wonder if it would be possible to stuff peanut butter cups inside a Pop-Tart.
     
  8. Lakeman

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    Ha! I literally laughed out loud.
     
  9. toohughey

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    Cereal. Killers.

    There ought to be a law!
     

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