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My husband isn't that involved, what about yours?

Discussion in 'Parents of Children with Type 1' started by kittycatgirl, Feb 23, 2006.

  1. kittycatgirl

    kittycatgirl Approved members

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    My daughter was just diagnosed, it has been about 5 weeks. My husband and I have been with each other for over 16 years and he is a great guy. This is very new for us but I feel like all the responsibility for my daughters care is on my shoulders. He has given a few shots but isn't really making it a focus of his life. I thought I would give him a few months to "step up to the plate", but I feel like this should be something that we both shoulder. When I encourage him to give a shot he will but will only help if asked. I was wondering how your husbands were when your children were first diagnosed. (Sorry about any spelling mistakes, I haven't found the spell check on this yet!)
     
  2. Ginger9909

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    Hi,
    My daughter is newly diagnosed for about 1 month she is 22 months old. For about the 1st week or 2 he was supportive and would do some of the shots. he was out of work for 2 weeks when she was hospitalized. He was a bit more help in the beginning then he is now. I am a stay at home mom so I expect to have to do more, but i do try to make him give the diabetes team a phone call every few nights to give them the #'s and lets just say hes not crazy about doing it because hes not the one home with my daughter all day so when they ask him questions sometimes he doesnt know. He will most of the time have his nightly snack with the kids and I will walk out of the room and have him take care of her last shot of the night. Of course it is me who does the nightly check and Im not happy about it. Some nights I get very mad because he can just lie there and ask me what # she is at and go back to sleep, me I dont fall back asleep that easily. He takes the whole diabetes thing very lightly sometimes and doesnt think its that big a deal, but to me it definitely is, it is a whole lifestyle change and does take up quite a bit of time & energy for me. Im always worrying where as he most of the time isnt. I dont know if its because I stay at home and he works that he feels I have to do most of it. Yes he will see I get stressed out sometimes and will get the hint but its only then that he will take over for just a bit. I would probably say it is probably normal for the mother to take over a big part of it. In the beginning it was very hard especially the week after my husband went back to work and reality sank in. To top it off I had gotten sick that week so it made taking care of my daugher 100 times worse during that week. My husband couldnt understand why I was so tired & stressed out. I am also giving my daughter 2 extra shots (she got a blood clot in my leg from the central line when she was hospitalized with DKA) so I am dealing with giving her these shots which require a longer needle so it does stress me out more. I really thought now I know why when I child gets sick that sometimes things dont work out between the husband & wife. Next month we will be seeing the social worker at the diabetes team so maybe this will be a good thing to talk about some of these things with someone else. Im hoping this person will say all of these things we are going through is normal and maybe get through to my husband a bit more. So no you are not the only one going through this.
    Lin
     
  3. pookas

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    I'm in the same exact boat as you guys. Lin, your story sounds just like our house. I'm a stay at home mom, although both are in school. I do everything unless I tell my husband to do something. He works 12 hours swing shifts so especially when he's on nights, it's all me. He doesn't get it. For example, tonight he took the boys to karate. Well, he forgot Hunter's bag w/ his meter and emergency juice and snacks. So I had to drive all the way there to take it to him. I asked why he didn't turn around to come back and get it and he said he didn't realize he didn't have it w/ him. DUH...Also, he spews things out that he doesn't know about. I try to get him involved, but he does what he has to. Another example...a few days ago, I was adjusting Hunter's carb ratios to see if his numbers would get better. I went to the store, came back at lunchtime and checked his sugar and he was in the lower 200's. I asked my husband about it and he said "Oh, I gave him a cookie after his snack." DUH...That threw everything off for that moment. I mean, c'mon, he gave him a cookie for the heck of it when I'm trying to adjust insulin??? I do ask his advice sometimes to see if he knows what's going on, but it's hit and miss. I think it's because he knows I step up to the plate wach and every day and I'm on top of things. It is so frustrating...

    Linda-[NEPA]-Mom to:
    Hunter, 5 yrs, dx'd 11/14/05 type I
    Colby, 6 yrs, migraines
     
  4. gyorkos

    gyorkos Approved members

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    We just found out about our daughter last week, and so far, my hubby has helped out quite a bit. But then, he helps with all the household stuff too. We both work during the day, so when we get home, one cooks and the other helps with homework or does a load of laundry. Now with Tanner, we take turns with the pokes and the shots. He leaves earlier in the morning, so I do the morning shot. He gives the one at supper. Tanner prefers me to do the BS though. She says it hurts less when I do it. So, I do the majority of those. He is better than me with adding the carbs up. But, I do the middle of the night sticks. He seems to not worry about the middle of the night numbers like I do. I'm the worrier of the house.
    Maybe you could suggest to your hubby that you trade off every other BS stick or shot, that way it is always different???
     
  5. Amy C.

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    I am in somewhat the same situation in that I am almost possessed about our son's care and it is not uppermost on my husband's mind. With minor annoying moments, after 8 years, I am used to it.

    Over the years, a couple of practices keep my husband in the loop a little bit:

    He does all the middle of the night checks and makes adjustments as necessary.

    When I am away, he will be sure our son does the proper care.

    He picks up the insulin sometimes at the pharmacy.

    He sometimes goes to visit the endocrinologist with us.

    Frankly, I don't think it is healthy for a family to have both parents involved 100% in the care. My husband steps up to the plate with other aspects of fatherhood. Our son gets tired of all my questions about his diabetes care when at school -- imagine if his father asked him the same questions!

    My son's A1c goes up when I don't pay very close attention, but the family doesn't need both of us paying close attention. That would neglect other areas of family life.
     
  6. rileysdteam

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    I never really thought about it, but I guess that I am really lucky. My husband and I share the responsibilty of our son 100%. I work days and he works nights so we split the day, on the weekends we are both at home and we still split things up just the opposite way. One does the morning shot and the other the dinner shot. We keep a chart in our kitchen of Riley's meal plan and carb count so we both know what he needs to eat. So far our system of diabetic care has worked for us, and I think it is less stressful knowing that it is not all my responsibilty and that someone else is there.
     
  7. zimbie45

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    HI
    well at our house i would say we share 100% the responsiblity.. but in diffrent ways.. we both work so we tag team basically during the day. I do more in the fact of making the decisions, talking to the diabetes team ect.. but as far as the every day care and #'s my hubby and i talk about what has been going on what to do next we even have charlize make some of the choices ( she only 5) but want her to feel she has some control of her body. Dont get me wrong.. we have had our moments.. I have a medical back ground and i understand this stuff more so then my hubby does.. Also when she 1st got dx'd my hubby was deathly afraid of needles. (not any more) My hubby and i both agree that both parents need to be involved and share 100% responibilities so that all of everything is just not on 1 person.. My father in law is also trained in taking care of charlize so that Allen and i can have a night off once in a while and so she can still go do stuff w/o mom or dad once in a while...really important to have at least 1 other person out side teh home trained just in case something happens or what ever..

    Chandra
    mom of Charlize age 5 dx t1 1-4-05:)
    sean age 2 non-d :)
     
  8. kittycatgirl

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    Thanks

    Well, Thanks go out to all of you. It isn't easy being so honest. Taking most of the responsibility worries me because we have recently lost a family member and I know how quickly life can change. I am worried that if something would happen to me he wouldn't know how to really care for the diabetes. I think part of him is worried for his little girl so it is easier to take a few steps back. (It doesn't make sense to me but men think different.) I don't think her really gets what could happen if we make a mistake with this. My daughter is older so she can test BS so that makes it a little easier. I am worried about how relaxed he is with everything when we all know what could happen. So after reading your post I will plug along and keep trying to get him involved and educate him. Part of me thinks I shouldn't have to because he was right there with me when I learned. I am starting to resent his actions and I think it is time to talk. Thanks to everyone.:)
     
  9. BrendaK

    BrendaK Neonatal Diabetes Registry

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    I can pretty much ditto Amy C's response. My husband is very involved and takes care of Carson very well. But I really feel for those whose husbands aren't as involved. One of the mistakes I made and things I learned a few years ago was that I needed to step back and let my husband take care of Carson "his" way. My hubby doesn't do things exactly like I would do them, and I would often get on his case about it, making him feel very incompetent. Then he wouldn't want to take care of Carson at all. I had to let go and let him take Carson places without me and trust him. I know that can't be the case with some hubby's -- because some really don't know what's going on. But I wanted to share my 2 cents worth...
     
  10. pookas

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    Don't get me wrong, my husband does do middle of the night checks, gets up w/ the kids so I can sleep late and does checks, carb counting and insulin when he's home. Unfortunately, he does work alot. I just feel like we're not on the same page. I would like to see him as knowledgeable about diabetes as I am. I read everything in sight just to learn more. He did read 2 of the books. And he does do alot with the kids when they're home. Sometimes I get bitter over the fact that I don't have a life outside of this house. I also get jealous that he GETS to go to work and be among grown-ups. Also like kittycatgirl's situation, my husband is relaxed about it all and I'm always stressed over it all. I know, not healthy, but it's just the way I am.

    Linda-[NEPA]-Mom to:
    Hunter, 5 yrs, dx'd 11/14/05 type I
    Colby, 6 yrs, migraines
     
  11. earruda

    earruda Approved members

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    Husbands and Diabetes

    I am very lucky. My husband and I share the responsibilities. In fact, he usually changes my daughter's pump site. One thing we have learned is that I worry much more (I am a nurse...it sometimes makes it harder). My husband is much more relaxed. Our daughter has been diagnosed for a year and a half. It wasn't until a few weeks ago that I heard him tell a friend of ours that everytime he takes her blood sugar in the middle of the night it makes him cry. I had no idea! He didn't want me to worry about him too. Last week, we had a diabetes emergency ( her pump died) and my husband was home alone with her. He handled everything great but after it was all over he broke down... couldn't stop crying for most of the day. It was like she had been diagnosed all over again. Luckily I was able to be strong for him and my daughter. I went through a lot of emotion in the beginning and it just hit my husband now........a year and a half later. I think men process things differently. I always thought that this whole thing bothered me more than him........ but that wasn't true. He just didn't want me to worry about him. The main point is that it impacts every member of our family differently.
     
  12. ann-lolly

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    I guess that Mom's just do things differently than Dad's. I too am a stay at home mom and my husband seems to be working all the time. He had a hard time in the beginning with the shots and still does things different than me but he does do all the things that need to be done. In our own little way, we are a good team. But they do say, men are from Mars and women are from venus, so I think diabetes or not, the Dad's just handle things different than the Moms.
     
  13. delvec

    delvec Approved members

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    My wife is with him most of the time so she handles most of the infusion changes, scripts, endo visits and cde calls. I do try do what I can- if hes having problems through the night, I have no problem watching him all night so she can get her rest esp after we had my daughter. She does complain alot but I think reallize I do help. I do wish I can do more- she just extremely proactive and Im very reactive.
     
  14. Mik's Mom

    Mik's Mom Approved members

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    I sometimes think I make it too easy for him, as I just do everything myself

    Hello,

    When my daughter was first diagnosed, my husband was in Florida at his grandfather's funeral, so I had to deal with everything myself. Plus the endo we were sent to, felt it best to avoid hospitalization and treat her as an outpatient...So I was sent home the same day after about 5- 6 hours of training, to care for her and my 8 year old son... all by myself.

    I found out the next day that her blood sugar was 971 and it seemed like the world was crashing down on me. My daughter and I met with the diabetes educators every day as an outpatient for 5 days and I learned a great deal in that short period of time.

    As I said my husband was away for the diagnoses and when he came home, he was in complete - total denial, that our daughter had a life long illness. He was convinced that the doctors had made a mistake. It didn't sink in until we took her to the Children's Hospital. (We decided to take our daughter to a Pediatric endo at the Children's Hospital, about 6 weeks after she was diagnosed for a second opinion)

    The staff at the Children's Hospital were excellent and we knew within an hour, that we had made a good choice in changing her endo. The endo told my husband that there was no mistake - that his daughter did have diabetes and told him that he needed to learn all he could about this disease, so he could help care for his daughter.

    We met with a nutritionist, and educators who were very good and made sure both my husband and myself understood everything they were saying. When we were leaving that day, after a 5 hour visit, my husband truly faced for the first time, all that is involved with caring for our daughter. He looked so pale and washed out. He just didn't want to accept the fact that his little girl was sick and he couldn't do a darn thing to help her.

    He took the doctors words to heart and has tried VERY hard to help with our daughter's care, but the majority of her care is still in my hands.

    He will do whatever I ask him to do, but he seldom does anything to care for her, unless I specifically ask him to do something. He has a hard time figuring out her carb ratios, so he just doesn't try anymore... She is going through a time where her blood sugars are all over the place and she has a different carb ratio for each meal, so I understand why he is so confused. But I guess I figure if I can figure it out, than so can he.

    He does go with us to the follow up visits every 3 months, where she has her lab work and check up. Then while the children are eating lunch with the other kids, the parents have a lunch/support group. This has been great for him, as there are other dads there he can talk to and I hear him asking them questions and he seems to get alot out of these meetings.

    That said, even 9 months after her diagnoses, he still forgets to take her diabetes bag with him when he takes her somewhere. I have to constantly remind him to take it. For me, her diabetes bag has become a part of me, as I never go anywhere without it. I think sometimes that he just doesn't understand how quickly she can go low.

    Plus she has hypoglycemia unawareness where she isn't able to feel a low coming on, so I worry all the time when he take her to the store etc. I did put emergency kits in all our cars, and she keeps a tube of glucose tabs in her pocket whenever she goes with him, but I still worry.

    As for the rest of her care, I am a stay at home mom, so I do the majority of her care. He is working when I give her the am and lunch shot, but he does give her the dinner shot, if I ask him to. I do all the middle of the night checks.

    He tried to help me twice when I had pneumonia, but he ended up sleeping right through the alarm clock, so I got up shut it off and did the check. Now I just feel safer if I do the checks myself. And ..I sometimes think I make it too easy for him, as I just do everything myself.

    He seems to think that I was born with the knowledge on how to care for a child with diabetes. I am trying to get him more involved, but he is very afraid of making a mistake. So I have been asking him what he thinks he should do and try not to give him my "I can't believe you don't know this" look when he gets it wrong. ;)

    While I will probably always do the majority of our daughter's care, I need to know that if something happened and he had to take care of her by himself, that he could. I think we all need to know that.:cwds:
     
  15. mischloss

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    Just had to jump into this one. Our son gives his own shots now which is a relief (10 years old) so we don't have that issue. We do count his carbs and we BOTH (hubby and me) discuss the amount...should we go to 3 units (if the amount adds up to 2.5!) or should be lower it to 2 since he has been running around alot. Things like that. I think my husband if very On TOP of my son's readings and numbers which is a great thing. And is always "thinking" about what my son can and should be eating at any given moment. They will be going out of town to visit a long time friend in Minneapolis in a couple of weeks. This will be the first time they are just out on their own without Mommy as a backup. Of couse I am just a cell phone away but I must admit that it will be hard to "let go" for that weekend and not be worrying every meal time about where they are, what they are eating etc. Guess I just have to 'let go' and let them work it out together. I think it will make for some good "father and son" bonding. :p
     
  16. Rhonda

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    my daughter also had gotten a dvt from the central line when she was first diagnosed and in a coma then she required 3 months of lovenox in her belly 2 times a day it was terrible.
     
  17. Momof4gr8kids

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    My oppinion is that some men just don't think about others needs, women can be like that, too, but women have more of a nurture instinct.

    When Julia was dx'd I was always the one to take care of her. Julia would not let anyone but me do anything, shots, pokes, ect.... DH also needed to learn a new way of D management. So I have had kind of a teaching role these past months, but he has been willing to learn, and has done very well. He usually can't make most appointments, but that is ok because we sit at the end of each day, and talk about each of the kids, ourselfs, our days, anything new, ect...

    I am a stay at home mom so I expect Shane not to do as much as I do, but when I started to get overwhelmed he started noticing a few weeks into Julia's D dx. I hadn't left the house w/o her, I hadn't had many moments without her, no long soaks in the tub, I didn't go shopping alone, I didn't even take walks anymore. He asked what he could do. We started light, with Julia having him help with b/g checks, and then we got her to let him give her injections. Soon after he started taking over on most nights between 7-10pm so that I could have a D break. He would do any injections, including nightly lantus, and he would do all b/g checks. When Julia got ill last month, and I ended up checking her every 2 hours he started doing morning care so that I could sleep in 2 extra hours. He helps out where he can, and is really good about doing it, but I don't think he would if we didn't have good comunication, and our nightly talks. He isn't good at guessing my needs, and I don't think he would have known what I needed if I hadn't have told him. He isn't perseptive at all, but that doesn't mean he doesn't care. I think D isn't as big of a deal to him as it is to me, but a major part of that is he has been living it for most of his life, and he has BTDT, but maybe it is just a man thing. I still make most desisions, talk to the D team, and do 90% of D care, but I do appreciate how much he does help when he is home.

    If you haven't told your DH how you are feeling I would suggest talking to him about it. Maybe to start you could ask him to do one b/g, and one injection per day, and maybe even a few night checks during the week, or maybe he could take care of the mornings on his days off so that you can sleep in. I hope it gets better, and that you two can work through it.
    Jamie
     
  18. Beach bum

    Beach bum Approved members

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    I would say we have a pretty good balance. My husband works an hour away and travels frequently, so he may not be able to help on a daily basis, but when he's home he does what's neccessary. Right from the beginning he was an active participant in Abby's care, and even now he always tries to make it to her endo's appointments. I always cc him in on correspondence to the CDE and forward her replies so that he is in the loop, I point out if basals or I:C change etc.
    The one thing he doesn't do that often is set changes. One reason being is that he usually is at work when I do them. The other is he is a bit uncomfortable because Abby doesn't want him to do it, only Mommy. However, if he's the only option, it will get done.
    I'm thankful that we have such a good balance. I'm not saying that we're perfect, because we do have our moments...

    If you feel that this is going to be a long term problem, maybe you can go to consuling. Many endos offices have someone right on staff. If it's just a matter of him not being around enough to get a chance to do it, make it so he is forced into doing it. Go grocery shopping or holiday shopping etc. Plan it around a snack or meal when a bg and shot are required.
     
    Last edited: Nov 17, 2006
  19. Kirsten

    Kirsten Approved members

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    My husband has T2 and his mom died from complications of T1, so after Griffin's diagnosis I was stunned when I was shouldering most of the load. I gave every shot, made every call to the endo, did every middle of the night check. Initially, every time I left him in charge, he would forget to do BG checks or make huge corrections without calling the endo. He just didn't seem to take our D instructions seriously. After 3 months of this I had a sort of breakdown. Now Peter does his share of the care and I don't feel that I have to check up on him. I'm still the one who goes to all the appointments, makes all the calls, and does all the adjustments on the pump. I think there does have to be one person who is more "in charge," but you have to be able to trust your spouse to do what's necessary and use good judgement.

    GL!

    Kirsten
     
  20. lynn

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    I'm leaving this morning on a trip with some friends. I will be gone until tomorrow night. I have six pages of written instructions for my husband! Yes, he went to all of the training classes. Yes, he can count and add carb and figure shots. Yes, he can do finger pokes and everything else.
    The problem comes from the fact that he is gone to work from 4:15 in the afternoon until 5:30 in the morning. He just isn't around.
    The things that we learned in the classes were for the "average diabetic"--whatever that is. As time has passed and I have read books and learned things on here and just experimented I have learned what works best for Nathan. Now I am realizing that I need to communicate these things better.
    In the beginning it worried me that if something were to happen to me what would he do if he didn't know everything? Then it hit me---he would learn it. Just like I have. I think men in general are problem solvers. Women worry. My husband sees that the problem of Nathan's care is being taken care of by me. I don't think he is being lazy or lax in his handling of this disease. He just doesn't see a reason to change.
    I'm not sure I'm being clear here but I will pass on the advice the CDE at our office gave us in the beginning. She said that dad gets the weekends. She stressed that it is important not only for the parents but also for the kids to know that both parents are capable.
    I hope you get things resolved. The first few months are so hard.
    Lynn
     

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