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Married to a Juvenile Diabetic

Discussion in 'Spouses and Significant Others' started by wifeofdiabetic, Nov 14, 2008.

  1. wifeofdiabetic

    wifeofdiabetic New Member

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    Hi everyone,
    I am new to this site, but am greatful I found it. I have been married to my husband about 16 months and it has been really rough. For the first tweleve months of our marriage I was continually put down by my husband either when he was high or low. Sometimes he would be fine, but would still put me down. I am tired of getting put down and called names. I would like to know how everyone else deals with this. We currently do not have any children, but I am not sure if I want to have children with him. He says really mean hurtful things to me and we get in fights all the time. It was getting better, but last night we had a pretty bad fight and he called me six or seven names. We went to marriage counseling for four months, but then he refused to continue to go. I did not realize how difficult it would be being married to a diabetic. Does anyone know of any support groups online? What can a wife do in this situation? I do not want to get divorced, but I am tired of being treated so poorly. I have tried to talk to my husband about how I feel and he always apologizes and says it will not happen again. It always ends up happening again. If anyone has any advice I would love to hear it. Thanks.
     
  2. Sandy's mom

    Sandy's mom Approved members

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    Hi and welcome:). I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. It sounds like your husbands behavior is horrible, though I don't think it should be blamed entirely on diabetes.

    When my dh's blood glucose is high he can be VERY irritable, but that is never an excuse for verbal abuse. How is his control? Are his A1Cs usually in a good range?

    Being married to someone with diabetes is not always easy. Learn as much as you can. What insulin regimen is he on? Is he open with you about his diabetes?

    Tell him you love him and want a long and wonderful life with him. However, life's too short to be treated so poorly.
     
  3. manwkids

    manwkids Approved members

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    it sounds like you husband maybe acting more like a juvenile than a juvenile diabetic. Get into marital counseling quick. If he wont go get help yourself. Here is a website I like that may help. www.smartmarriages.com
     
  4. wvchinacat

    wvchinacat Approved members

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    So sorry you are dealing with all this - I have been married to a Type 1 D for 12 years and we have had our normal ups and downs of marriage - but as far as D is concerned - his lows are the worst. We also have 3 daughters and our oldest was just recently dx with D. She probably has the worst temper of all 3 - and possibly some of her temper is the uncontrollability factor of high and low BS's. Last night in particular - Mark had a bad low - I saw it coming on - he was very mean to the kids and me, slamming plates - then about passed out as I was urging him to test and eat. Afterward he was completely apologetic and realized what he had done. I still do not tolerate his hostile behavior - especially with the kids. With children (depending on the age) you can virtually take over - sit them down to eat, help them test, get them to a safe place . . . but with say teens and adults it may be harder to help with things that feel so out of control for themselves. When my DH is not having a high or low I try to talk with him about how hard it is on the children when he acts that way and that it is soooo important to test and treat his lows. Somedays are better than others - and for the most part our marriage is wonderful and I would not trade it - nor our children for the world. Marriage in itself if hard - and dealing with someone with a chronic condition can make it harder - but still possible. ;) When was your DH dx? Is this how he was while you were dating or engaged? Is his behavior something new? Is his dx something new? I agree with PP - get to understand D and know his regimen. YOu know until our DD was dx (july 08) I did not realize how LITTLE i knew about D and his managing of D:eek:. Now as a mom of a D kid - I see some of the same traits and see how lows and highs really affect behavior and attitude.

    Welcome to the boards and I hope that you find the support you need to help you support your DH and work thru this challenging but livable condition.

    BTW - I am not condoning in any way - name calling, or emotionally abusive, or physically abusive behavior. :mad:If he only acts this way when he is high or low - then maybe there is something that he can work on -like better D management . . .but if he is like this other time . . .well that is NOT acceptable at all!
     
  5. Hollyb

    Hollyb Approved members

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    Hi,

    I'm so sorry to hear you've had such a rough year with your marriage.

    I hope this is not overly harsh or unfair -- after all I only have one paragraph to go on -- but a couple of things you have said really makes me think that diabetes itself is not the key problem here.

    1) "Sometimes he would be fine, but would still put me down... We went to marriage counseling for four months, but then he refused to continue to go."

    If you really could not help what you said to a person you loved when you were high or low, and truly felt terrible about it, would you not bend over backwards to make sure you NEVER said anything like that when your blood sugar was stable? Would you not go to counselling for as long as it took to make things right between you? I would!

    2) "He says really mean hurtful things to me and we get in fights all the time."

    This kind of frequency makes me wonder how well your husband is actually taking care of himself. If he husband is going so low and so high that he truly can't control himself this often, then I suspect his BGs are pretty out of control. Is he working hard to achieve more stable blood sugars, for the sake of you and his future children if not for himself? If not, then I'd say his apologies don't mean that much. He says it won't happen again, but what is he DOING to make things better?

    Reading this over, it does sound judgemental. I know there are people who have really volatile BGs despite struggling hard to gain control, and I know there are times when it all just seems hopeless and burn-out saps your will. But I still can't help reading between the lines here, to think that something is not right.

    Here's another question to consider: does he treat his colleagues at work or his friends this way? Or does he only have these bad lows and highs with you??
     
  6. wifeofdiabetic

    wifeofdiabetic New Member

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    Thanks so much for the support

    Hi everyone,
    Thanks for all your support. I really was not sure where to turn. My husband was diagnosed with the disease when he was 12. He is also lactose intolorant, so we have that to deal with as well.
    I have a lot of questions to ask everyone. Are there any good books that I can buy or read about the disease? I would like to educate myself more about what it is that he has. I know enough to be able to talk about it, but would like to know more.
    I find myself trying to help him manage the diease and I realize that it is his disease and he needs to manage it. How do I stop being over bearing and bossy when it comes to him testing? I like him to test often because his numbers can flacuate depending on what he ate and what is going on. He does not always test as often as I would prefer, but I am trying to work on not letting that bother me.
    We have had issues going out where he will be fine when we leave and then if we have to walk a lot he will get low. He does not like to test in stores or out in public, so sometimes incidences do occur. He might say something rude or be loud so others can hear. It is embarassing and this is why we do not always go out together. He has been rude to me and said mean things, which made me cry. I do not like to fight or cry in public, so we do not always go out together. If I am exercising I usually do it alone because I like to walk far and that is something that he sometimes has trouble doing. He brings his tester with him, but does not like to go back to the car to test, so we end up doing what we set out to do and then find out that he is low or maybe higher. It is usually him being low though.
    I worry about ever having children with him. I am concerned that if he treats me the way he does how would he treat his children. Is this something I should be worried about? I want to have children with him, but I do not want to have him being mean to them as he has been to me. I can handle it, but they may not be able to do so until they are older. We were told that there was a slight chance that we may have a diabetic child when we do have children, but we may also have a child without the disease. How much harder is it to have two people in the house with the disease? Do I have to worry that they both might start calling me names if they are high or low? I worry about trying to take care of a child and managing a husband that is diabetic.
    Again, I thank everyone who responeded to my last post. I will not be back on here until Tuesday. I hope to hear from all of you again. Thanks so much for the support.
     
  7. Hollyb

    Hollyb Approved members

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    I would definitely worry about having children with him, at least until he's ready to grow up and take responsibility for his own behaviour and his own care. Kids need to be able to rely on their parents, and not always be worrying about whether Daddy's going to be normal or mean. The occasional rare incident, sure, we can all understand and get over that, but not the kind of scenario you're describing.

    He doesn't like testing in public, but doesn't mind going so low he's mean to you in front of other people? This man is embarrassed about the wrong things! Doesn't carry his meter with him? No wonder he gets so low he's out of it. My son has his meter in his pocket at all times. He tests wherever, whenever. He doesn't go out the door without sugar tabs. He injects in front of whoever is there if he needs to (in restaurants, theatre lobbies -- whatever). When he's walking with his friends, he lowers his insulin rate, packs along snacks, and eats as he goes -- because he knows he's likely to go low. He's done a 30-hour juice-only fundraising famine and several 15-k walks without any serious incident this way. If a 16-year-old can do this, so can a grown man.

    Once again I feel like I am being so harsh. But I also think: if you did have children together, and one became diabetic: is this the role model you want that child to have?

    Honestly, I don't think you're the one who's being overbearing here. Maybe it's time for some tough love. If wants to build a life with you, you need his commitment to get better control, get over his hangups, and work with a diabetes educator to improve his health and your future together.
     
  8. missincali

    missincali Approved members

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    Hi WifeofDiabetic,

    It doesn't sound like this is all diabetes. I know when I get high blood sugars my boyfriend (who is also on here, you could prb ask him questions) says I get really grumpy. But if he's still putting you down when he's normal doesn't seem right. Whats his a1c? Does he let you in? I know for me, it took almost a year before I let my boyfriend in. I guess with some it's just something really personal. Maybe bring up how much you care about him and don't want to see him hurt himself in the end. And ask him questions. Like Whats a high blood sugar like or why are you embarresed about testing? These are things my friends and bf asked and the more and more they asked the more I saw how they were really trying to learn and eventually let them in. But don't let him treat you like this all the time. Even if he's high or low isn't a good thing. If he's high and doing it just point it out on the spot.

    Holly also has a lot of good points and suggestions. You really got a lot of things to think about.

    Welcome to the site though. And I'm sure you'll get the help you need here. Almost everyone I know on here does. It's very helpful.

    As far as books go I'm not sure which ones I had when I was first diagnosed but I know calorie king is a nice book to have around when your going out and about. They have a ton of resterants menu's with the carb/calorie count. Maybe stick that in the car? Makes life a lot easier when going out to eat. And I would recommend getting your books on amazon.com they cheaper when your ordering several books.

    Hope I didn't offend you in any way! Sorry if I did. And hope everything works out!
     
  9. Ronin1966

    Ronin1966 Approved members

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    Hello wifeofdiabetic:

    Forgive me, I am not entirely familiar with site protocols (as yet). If I am breaking any, offering to be your "surrogate husband" standing in as a Juvenile Diabetic myself... I will ask forgiveness and do fifty tests as "pentence" :eek:

    The emotional whiplash of failure is a wicked burden. Do the best we are CAPABLE, but anything less than total perfection is plain missing the (mandatory) target. If I fail enough, trying zealously, being vigilent... if I fail to get the magic numbers I seek, I can become quite unhappy. If I do so for weeks, months, years... I will surely be crushed in time.

    Childish, juvenile certainly giving in, succumbing to those frustrations. But it is enough to tear the soul from those with strength. For those of us failing, despite our very best efforts... it can teach us despair or a stubborn-ness that is rarely-ever pierced.

    I do not know what negative things you were called, or how it occured. For lows we get a "free pass", a get out of "jail free card" until a neutral time and place, far far away from the particular low episode. If I suddenly removed the normal filters of the things you do not say, or actually mean, but very well may indeed think... you are now a diabetic having a low.

    Normally half sane, my capasity to say what I am trying to get out, is shrinking at an alarming rate. The rage, the dark frustration totally unable to prevent to whatever degree we should be able to do so.... we have failed at it and are heading straight into the emotional and primitve darkest places within us.

    Highs are the same problem, but the opposite end of the "sugar thermometer". I feel hungover, have the worst possible nausea and flu, re-lived the worst puppy-love heartache I ever felt, add in the worst cramps conceivable then x10,000 in ways I cannot possibly describe. Combine them all and any other suffering you can conceive and you might, might have the smallest glimmer of what physically, mentally we are enduring when we are truly high.

    "Sedate" us, give us massive insulin, tie us to the bed and stick a sock in our mouth (if helpful/necessary). We will return to something sort of normal within an hour or two. You cannot fight anger with anger and win. But with humor, gentle mockery, playful teasing you might stand a chance...

    There are many states of ~unhappy~ this dragon can provide.

    Why any of you would want to marry, or ever be in a relationship with one of "us"... I cannot possibly understand. I am many things, have many hats who in addition to all my other many flaws also happens to be a diabetic as well. We are grateful and ashamed of your ~unending~ patience....

    I wrote a piece many years ago, and have been honing it ever since. Perhaps it will help answer your original question?

    http://www.dlife.com/diabetes-forum...metaphor&sid=7908f0e2c7313ed13f5fd6a0171adf16

    Do my words help explain any?
     
    Last edited: Mar 10, 2010
  10. Toni

    Toni Banned

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    DN has been very low, in the 40s, and very high. She does get snippy when high but not angry or hostile. I usually just ignore it, and stay out of her way until the next BS test. Lows, no behavioral change. I am sure behavorial changes can occur but to me this sounds more like a personality trait or problem. No, I would not put up with it nor would I stay if hubby does not agree to marriage counseling.
     
  11. Ronin1966

    Ronin1966 Approved members

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    Hello Toni:

    <<but to me this sounds more like a personality trait or problem.

    Comments/behavior caused by low blood sugar are very well documented. If that is the context of/for said behavior(s) then its not a "personality problem" at all.... and no counseling will ever be capable of "solving" it. The approach would be the equivelent to using a chain saw to brush your teeth. (The completely dead-wrong tool for the job in question)

    Hard to accept, difficult to cope with perhaps, but such behaviors, actions (in those specific contexts) are not mental issues even remotely.

    You deprive the brain cells of access to mandatory glucose and you get all kinds of personality changes and reduction of higher brain functions, motor coordination across the board.
     
  12. Amy C.

    Amy C. Approved members

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    Your message is rather hard to read, but I think the above is what you are asking.

    I cannot deny that your father sees the results of poorly managed diabetes and losing the vision is a possible complication.

    He is probably seeing people with Type 2 diabetes who often don't even know they have diabetes until the damage is started.

    Type 1 diabetics know right away when they have it and they must do some management to stay alive.

    If type 1 diabetes is managed well -- keeping the blood sugar within a certain range by testing and taking the right amount of insulin for the food eaten -- someone with diabetes lives just about as long as other people. Most Type 1 diabetics live a long and healthy life and are able to avoid the complications that can come from long time high blood sugars.

    I would talk about this with the person you are dating. He may be able to educate your parents on what he is doing to manage his diabetes.
     
  13. Hudson_Rocks

    Hudson_Rocks Approved members

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    Oops! I did not see the date of the OP :p
     
  14. Fianceofdiabetic

    Fianceofdiabetic New Member

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    so stressed

    i am engaged to a 21 yr old. i have been telling him since we met i could tell he was diabetic and needed to get tested. he hates doctors and needles and hes so stubborn so of course he refused. now last night he went into diabetic shock, blood sugar almost 900 and is in the icu in critical condition. doctors still dont know if he's going to be ok or not. so i need kind of a crash course in all this. is there anyway he wont have to prick his fingers and give himself shots? i know they make some meter that you dont have to but is that based on his certain case or that good for anyone? help please!!! :confused:
     
  15. Ellen

    Ellen Senior Member

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    He'll need to check blood sugar frequently and take insulin either via injection or insulin pump. Hope he's feeling MUCH better soon and that he has a brilliant endocrinologist and endocrine team to guide him through the transition. You can be GREAT support.
     

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