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Husband blaming Wife for child's Highs

Discussion in 'Parents of Children with Type 1' started by kimber, Apr 25, 2017.

  1. kimber

    kimber New Member

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    Apr 25, 2017
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    Our child has had T1 since the age of two, now she is nearly 11. Yesterday and lately she's been running quite high in the afternoon when I pick her up from school. My husband yesterday raced home and blamed me and yelled at me, etc. He can never just come home and say hi, how was your day? I take care of the D all week after school. He takes car of it on the weekends. He gets her numbers in order after being with her all day Sunday, for example, and controlling everything she eats and says, "SEE? It can be done, I just did it!" This is so annoying. Our doctor says her settings probably are not right when a pattern emerges and to fix the settings on the pump; my husband instead of doing that just blames me and says to check more often yet she has a CGM. I find candy wrappers that I did not buy around her room or in her backpack. She will eat and forget to bolus; sometimes, usually Monday after the weekend off of D, I sometimes forget to get back on it after weekend off. Monday are pretty rough. Lately she often runs high in the mornings at school...today I went there and bolused her myself and she still went high!! Ugh. I think we need therapy as a family. She is getting older and more independent and it's not the same as when she was five years old and I could watch her closely, yet I get the sense my husband wants me doing exactly this. I don't think my husband is emotionally equipped to deal with the fact that she is growing up and getting independent, but I don't want to continue to be the scapegoat for the highs. And this poor kid, I cannot be her pancreas 100 percent of the time during the week because I can't always see what she is eating, nor do I know the junk food she ate out of a friend's lunch. I also do not look forward to fighting over this during the teen years that are fast approaching. Has anybody been through this? Any advice? I so wish we had the artificial pancreas. Anyway, I think she needs to rise and be more responsible. My husband has said, it's not her fault, it's yours. Sigh. We are at a crossroads....
     
  2. wilf

    wilf Approved members

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    Your husband needs to rise and be more responsible. D management needs to be family effort, with parents in particular working together to assist their child in learning the essentials and in aiming for achievable targets.

    It is worth having an encouraging talk with your daughter, trying your best to motivate her to bolus when she has carbs. The goal should not be to control her carb intake - that will become progressively less possible as she heads into her teens - but instead to persuade her that it is in her interest to cover those carbs with insulin.

    Given that she has a CGM, it should be possible for your family to adjust her insulin regimen as needed. My question is whether you've got the know how to do that? If not, then get yourselves a good reference book or two (Pumping Insulin by John Walsh and/or Type 1 Diabetes by Ragnar Hanas are both great).

    You may need to go for family therapy. Diabetes can severely test relationships, and that is happening in your family. Your husband's approach is setting your daughter up for an eating disorder. For everyone's sake, he needs to shift from controlling to encouraging.
     
  3. spamid2

    spamid2 New Member

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    You should NOT be the scapegoat for highs, nor should your daughter. This is a difficult disease in the best of circumstances. I agree with wilf that your husband is setting her up for failure and family therapy is a good idea. (((((HUGS))))))) if okay.
     
  4. Alexa1994

    Alexa1994 Banned

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    I think you should to trust your husband because he is responsible of your whole family.
     
  5. DavidN

    DavidN Approved members

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    This quote ^^^^ misses the mark by a long shot.

    It's clear both you and your husband care deeply about your child's health. And when things don't go well, it's easy to want to blame someone else. Unfortunately, I've found myself in your husband's shoes on occasion, blaming my wife for high numbers etc ... But it's an emotional knee-jerk reaction that I always end up apologizing for. What I do know is that when I am side by side with my son for a day or a weekend, his numbers are great. Because as parents we pay attention and are with him constantly. But that's the easy party. The situation changes dramatically during the week and things become much more difficult. I can see via Share that my son misses his lunch bolus or forgets to correct, but there's little I can do about it, particularly as he has gotten older. Your child's BG likely has nothing to do with you vs your husband and everything to do with weekend vs weekday care.

    I agree with the previous suggestions. Education via reading good diabetes care books is always a good idea. Family/couples therapy can't hurt either. But it also seems to me that your husband could use some individual therapy. He has some growing up to do, IMO.

    Good luck!
     
  6. rgcainmd

    rgcainmd Approved members

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    What an amazingly ignorant, patriarchal, and sexist comment!

    Please go somewhere else where these "values" are appreciated...
     
  7. samson

    samson Approved members

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    D-Swap

    I agree with others that you and your husband should be on the same team and that counseling may be in order. But some parents are better than others at supporting each others' decisions and methods, and some have a hard time empathizing when they haven't experienced something.

    I suggest swapping diabetes care with your husband for about a month -- if he's so confident it can be done, tell him to show you. You do the weekends, he does schooldays. After doing each others' tasks for a month, you might gain new appreciation for difficulties and insights on both sides. We recently did this and it has increased our respect for each others' strategies and approaches.

    Switching may not be possible for your husbands' careers but may be doable for a surprising number (unless is he a truckdriver, surgeon or a traveling salesperson?). But think of it this way: If you were not around, this is a task he'd have to do 100 percent by himself. So he can rearrange his work schedule for a short period of time to "get her numbers in order" and prove it can be done. Otherwise he needs to keep quiet on the matter.
     
  8. MomofSweetOne

    MomofSweetOne Approved members

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    Hugs. Diabetes take a toll on family relationships at times. I agree with you and the rest that counseling is in order to benefit everyone. Your husband may not realize it, but his approach is going to not only alienate you but his daughter as well, and with that one at her age could be dire consequences. She's at the age that not everything SHOULD be controlled. There's going to be failures, lots of them, as she takes the reins from you, and she needs to be allowed to fail and learn, just as we have on the path before her.

    Does your husband know that around age 11-12 (give or take) girls (and boys) hit an EXTREMELY spacey stage due to hormone surges of puberty? I remember watching my daughter add carbs, scroll the Medtronic,.....and later have to problem solve the high and find that after doing all the work, she missed the final confirm button. It's a stage that all kids go through, but most parents have the luxury of their kid's pancreas doing the job unassisted. Us, we get to pull hairs out and turn gray, trying to figure out systems that work to keep our kids as healthy and independent as possible.

    There's not a perfect answer, either. One mom here actually worked her son's lunch bolus into his basal profile at that age so that he didn't have to remember to bolus. He did have to agree to eat the same amount of carbs each day. Others might disagree, but I found her system brilliant to get through the stage. She may have avoided a battle with the greater goal of winning the war.

    And as puberty hits, there are going to be HIGHS and HIGHS and HIGHS and then wicked all night lows, and that's with keeping a constant eye on the cgm and adjusting basals daily. I'm thrilled for all the APs so close to coming out that will let your generation of parents of puberty T1D catch a breath and hopefully sleep through the night. It's still far from a cure, though.

    Writing as a parent of an older teen girl, your husband needs to be aware and understand that this disease involves about 10% math equations and 90% emotional support and reactions. If the emotions and burnout get the better of the kids, the math part is going to disappear. My kid has always cared about tight control, but burnout hit big time, and for the past 1.5 years, she's asked me to carry a greater load than I did even in the first year. Transition is not a uniform they can do the tasks and we're free of them.

    This is serious...for your marriage, for your daughter, for your other kids. Please begin family counseling with or without him.
     

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