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Help! Husband needs some support....

Discussion in 'Parents of Children with Type 1' started by chocoholicsc, Jul 19, 2008.

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  1. cindyrn6617

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    Hi,

    Where are you at in SC? If it would help, I'm sure my husband would be glad to speak with him. He grew up with his Dad being Type 1 and now our child. It was still really hard for him. He had lots of guilt. Felt like it was his "bad" genes that did this. Now, we're over a year out and things have gotten better. If you think he could help your husband PM me and I'll give you my number.

    best wishes,
    cindy
     
  2. saxmaniac

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    (Teddy bear voice) Awwwwwww, someone needs a hug!!?


    But to chocoholic:

    Maybe have your DH read this this thread, rather than join the forum which can be daunting.

    I would like to say that the one thing that really affected me very early, was the endo's social worker. First day she told us that kids who have two involved parents, do better than kids where it all falls on one parent. (She didn't say it as nicely as that.) That was enough to motivate me. Maybe a bit too much.

    I would ASAP hand over the reins to your DH. Go out for a day and turn off the phone. Few things motivate more than having our child's life in our hands!
     
  3. Dad of Daughters

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    Sorry I'm a little late to this party.

    Bennet, I'm going to test your strategy here against what I'll call Chris Farley's "Tommy Callahan" axiom: "Brothers don't shake hands, brothers gotta hug!!!" Looks to me like you're at odds with one of the great philosophers of our time. Maybe it's time to take a look in the mirror :D

    Candy...lots of similarities here in our situations. We are 5 months past dx of our baby and I used to have a fairly high intensity corporate career (have since moved in to the cupcake arena of teaching adolescents how to behave!!). So, like many others here, I feel your pain specifically. I feel that parental roles may vary in handling D, which also may vary from other people's D (there Bennet, you're back on the scoreboard). There is no specific framework to tell us how to act, what to do, etc. I do believe, though, that the extent to which you were an effective parent before D, you can be an effective parental D manager. We, moms and dads, do what we have to do, whatever that means :rolleyes:. My point is, though it isn't easy and there will be doubts and even breakdowns, you will make it through as partners. Hang in there and feel free to let me know if you want to hear any more of my drivel, I mean, advice!!!

    Take care and you can do it!!!
     
  4. badshoe

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    HEY! Did you just say (drivel) that have the body of Chris Farley?
     
  5. Dad of Daughters

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    Gas Station Employee: I'm picking up your sarcasm.
    Richard Hayden: Well, I should hope so, because I'm laying it on pretty thick.

    Note: This digression is intended to show Candy's husband that if he chooses to become a regular/regular reader, that comic (debatable :confused:) relief is sometimes available.
     
  6. IansDaddy

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    Hi,

    I am StillMamamia's husband and she read this thread to me.

    This is how I feel:

    My 4 year old son, Ian, was dx almost 2 years ago, and for a long time I have not managed to get used to this. Why my son? This is the question, but I don't expect any answer. So I still remain in tears, anger, sadness and sorrow. Knowing there is no way out yet, even if others tell me otherwise.
    And a part of my life seems to have gone down the drain.
    Now I have to deal with it, no escape, no hope, just me consumed by endless pain and disappointment, just me.

    AND MY SON??

    He's ok with it, a happy boy who has lots of fun, enjoys life and last but not least, he is the only one who makes me forget about my feelings, he is the only one who gives me hope for the future, he is the only one who gives me my life back.

    So I see that, slowly, I learn to manage the situation, my feelings as well, thinking of my life, my son and my family. I decided not to loose hope again, come whatever may.

    I'm not trying to cheer your husband up, I cannot make you feel better and I am unable to ease your pain. So far, there is only one who will do this for you

    YOUR SON is your star, and he shines for you.

    I wish all the best to your son, to you and to your husband and family.
     
  7. iluvmhp

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    Thank you IansDaddy. I loved your post!
     
  8. glorijeff

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    Powerful

    Wow, some really powerful stuff here. These forums are absolutely the best thing I have found since our son was diagnosed more than 8 years ago. I just want to send all of you my heartfelt thanks for opening up. I usually just lurk for the most part on these forums, but felt the need to thank everyone. You all have deeply touched and helped this father, you have no idea how much! Thanks again.
     
    Last edited: Jul 20, 2008
  9. tiffanie1717

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    You guys are making me cry! sniff! sniff! Beautiful words from you all!
     
  10. Denise

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    aww, thanks Iansdaddy for coming to post. We sure would love a guy's input more around here so I do hope you stick around!

    I know from a mother's view, I've gone through my mind a million times. What did I miss? Could I have caught it sooner? Is there MORE I can do to make her happier and healthier? and yes, WHY MY KID?! I've certainly had enough of hardship in my life..why this?! I still get angry. I still get VERY angry. I really wish with my entire body that I could take this from her and suffer itmyself but alas, I cannot. The best I can do for her is show her how to brave life and learn how to live! Yes, that fear of her getting even more sick is always there. My job is to raise her to be an independent child. That holds true for D or non D children. So we have a bit more to teach her. I'm learning right along with her. I have to be brave so that she can be brave. I look towards the future...and a LONG life for her as well as myself. It's discouraging to see them have the many lows and highs. Just when you think you have things under control, something else smacks you in the face and stumps you. As I sit here and type this, I realize that this is true for parenthood in general. It's a rough road, and our D kids have it a bit rougher but I'll say this. Molly is MUCH tougher than I ever dreamed she could be. I tell her a lot how proud I am of her and how brave she is.
     
  11. BlessedIAm

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    Candy- I was wondering where in SC you are too? I just sent Cindy a PM b/c it turns out she and I live in the same small town. What are the odds?

    I am sorry you are going through this. I can relate. My DH is diabetic and I think he was in denial for a while when our DS was diagnosed....that and he kept trying to compare his diabetes to our son's diabetes and everyone's diabetes varies. Like you I am mostly, just about solely, responsible for the diabetes management. I also homeschool too btw. It was actually a relief to me the day he had to deal with a scary diabetes situation with DS b/c that is when he finally realized how hard this is for me and DS. I realized that he could not feasibly take on the brunt of the diabetes management because, of course, someone has to work to pay the bills but I still needed him to be "available", concerned and educated on how to manage our DS's diabetes.

    Have you considered family counseling? I know a lot of people don't but I definitely think it is worth it. We ended up in counseling just after DS was diagnosed. I don't think we ever would have gone if it hadn't been for our DD. She had a very hard time with the diagnosis. She started yanking her hair out of her head which is when we realized we had to do some kind of formal intervention for her. We thought we were going for HER but it ended up being a great thing for our whole family.

    ((HUGS))
     
    Last edited: Jul 23, 2008
  12. 4.my.son

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    have faith

    my son T.J. was diagnosed type 1 may 2008 being a working dad I depended on my wife to handle his condiction, I couldn't handle telling my son no he couldn't eat this or drink this. My wife come up to me and boldly told me " he is your son also and he looks up to me and if i am afraid he will be also" I realized that it's not a matter of having time it was a matter of my son living a healthy life. I attend diabetes education classes and we are in a network of parents that offer help and i now keep myself aware of any and everything dealing with my son and his diabetes. Sometimes hard the truth can change everything. I make time to come and view message boards and I feel I am a stronger person for it. I will not lose my son to somthing i can help him control....don't give up on him us dads we can be stubborn but a caring wife can bring us around.....through sickness and health, my wife reminded me of that vow also..
     
  13. chocoholicsc

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    Thank you both for your thoughts (Tawnya and 4.my.son).
    We actually are planning on getting some counseling (although DH doesn't know it yet...:rolleyes:) I found a lady who has been counseling couples for 20 years and also happens to be the mother of 2 adult t1's. I feel she will have a unique perspective and her husband has said he's willing to sit in with us as well.
    Chris has agreed that we should seek out some help so I don't expect too much push-back from him on this.
    I really tried to get him to post on here and he just doesn't feel comfortable with the whole idea of message boards so he wouldn't. He read each and every one of your responses and we were both touched by them! I finally had to realize that just like we all grieve in our own way, we also all will find support in our own ways.
    For me, that has been and continues to be cwd...you guys are my sanity, humour, and ((hugs))...:) I take great comfort from this site and all of the wonderful people who belong to it. I never thought I could become so 'attached' (for lack of a better word) to a community of people I will probably never be able to meet in real life:)(), but I am....THANK YOU ALL!!

    Candy
     
  14. chocoholicsc

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    Oh, I forgot you guys asked me where we live. Just outside of Greenville. :)
     
  15. TracieandJim

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    Im confident you will both succeed. :D
     
  16. 4.my.son

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    Have Faith And Be strong

    Remember This used to be fatal a long time ago now its managable. We took TJ my 4 year old to the foot doctor today just to get him checked for good measure. He has healthy feet Yeah . But The thing that gave me and my husband a big smile today was the biggest boost was when the doctor said . by the time Tj is of age to possiably get feet problems by then they will have the artificial pancreas and he will not even have to worry about it .And I loved when he said its great to know that he knows they will have a cure in TJs lifetime. so when we are sad (we were too ,The same feelings you all have when we found out 2 months ago) Lets truly look at how far things have come and Have faith. All we can do is our best to keep them as healthy as we can . at least now they can have diabetes and have some joy in life to. It;) does not seem like it when your 1st dx because its a shock and life changing , But it does and will get better. So eat up those smiles on your childrens faces , enjoy life. ITS GONNA GET BETTER .. It is .
     
  17. wilf

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    Excellent posts folks! I guess what I can add (from the perspective of being almost 2 years into this) is that it will ever so slowly (in fits and starts) get easier, as your family adjusts to the new "normal" of having a child with diabetes.

    Yes, it is more work and more worry, but it is not all negative. Diabetes can be quite a teacher. And it is possible to live a full and happy life with diabetes in the family.

    As my daughter hits puberty, she is in many ways mature beyond her years. She has insights into how her body works that her peers can't even imagine, and she is stronger as an individual. She is unlikely to ever smoke or get into drinking heavily, because she knows that these activities don't mix well with the D.

    We are closer to her than we would have otherwise have been, and our family is stronger for having faced this adversity together. We do everything that the families of her friends do - in fact, we probably do more in the way of physically challenging activities like hiking and canoeing.

    Your husband needs a chance to sit down with some guys and talk about this (maybe over a few beers if he's so inclined). It would be worth trying to make some space so it's possible for him to connect with some buddies, or maybe some other dads of kids with D in your area.

    Good luck. It will get easier.
     
  18. Emma'sDad

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    I'm late in this game, I guess that'll teach me to say, you know what, no more CWD for the day, I'll log back in later. :)

    Being a Dad in this picture is pretty hard at first. The DW always takes over in cases like this and often as much as we try to help so that we can understand ourselves, we feel pushed to the side to fend for ourselves... and once we try to show some effort we get: "You're doing it wrong!"

    Well, if you're doing it wrong, then do it right. After awhile, you get the hang of it and then you can turn around and tell DW, no, you're doing it wrong. If this and this and this, then it should be that and that and that! :) And most of all, and the best part, once you get a hang of it, you can focus less on D and focus more on spending more time with your loving child. I am sure that your son is looking forward to having his old man back like the good old days before D.

    Is there a way we could get all us guys together one day and take over the CWD chatroom for an hour or so, or find another chatroom somewhere??
     

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