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Frustrated

Discussion in 'Spouses and Significant Others' started by 3Tigers4Us, Oct 23, 2008.

  1. 3Tigers4Us

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    Hi All-

    My dh has been T1 for nearly 35 years. He has had many, many complications (3X bypass, vitrectomies, frozen shoulder, protein in urine, etc, etc, etc...). He has been on the pump for about 8 years and is in the process of getting a CGMS. We are always chasing the newest technology to make management of this disease easier. I have no problem with that at all.

    What I have a problem with is the utter lack of motivation, desire, and sometimes even the knowledge on how to seriously control the disease. It is maddening. You would think that at least the heart attack and 3X bypass would wake him up. When he had the cardiac problems in May of this year our youngest son was 10 weeks old! What man wants their 32 year old wife and 3 young sons (now 6, 3, and almost 8 months) to relive that experience? If he doesn't get in control we are going to end up back in the same situation or worse.

    He is irritable, moody, mopey, and generally zero fun to be around these days. However, the straw that broke the camel's back (cliche I know!) is that when *I* was filling out all of the paperwork for the CGMS I had to transfer all of this BSL for the meter to a log. I think that was one of the most sad and pitiful exercises I have ever performed. BSLs all over the place from 37 to 556. Plus, he assures me that every night he checks his BSL before bed, but I have learned he has been lying in that less than a third of the time in the past 2 months has he actually done that. Mind you, we even had a middle of the night 911 call for hypoglycemia in that time period!

    I know he wants the CGMS to minimize his responsibilities in dealing with the disease, and I can understand that, but at the end of the day the technology is not going to save him. However, he views it so differently. It is never his 'fault,' he is OOC. He is sick, tired, stressed, busy, etc....Plus, he was addicted to nicotine and has completely stopped that since the 3X bypass which has been about the only positive step forward. I don't want to minimize that, but it was/is only the first step of many.

    I don't really want to monitor his every move b/c I am not his mother. Plus, I know that all that is going to accomplish is create more arguments regarding my expectations versus his. It is definitely a lose-lose situation.

    It really is sad b/c we have had a great marriage, but I think his utter disregard for his health is selfish and puts the happiness and emotional health of our boys in serious peril. Nevermind me, which is not my primary concern.

    Ugh, sorry this is so long, but is there anyone out their who can commisirate with me?
     
  2. ToddsMom

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    I saw your post on my thread and came over here to commiserate with you.;)
    I need to take care of the nightly routine here, but I'll be back.

    I REALLY REALLY REAALY understand how you feel.

    ((((((hugs)))))
     
  3. ToddsMom

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    Just wondering ... Do you ever struggle with feelings of hatred towards him?
     
  4. 3Tigers4Us

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    Hi Wendy,

    I followed your post on the other forum and I am so very sad for your situation as well. It seems like you have really tried everything and he is just not responsive. Though I know it is such a tough decision, I am not sure you have any choice but to leave. Do you think if he knows you are serious he will shape up?

    No, I haven't gotten to the point that I feel hatred towards him, and I think that is b/c he has/is willing to try and improve things, but is just not usually successful. Plus, even though he is extremely moody, I always call him on it and he will either take a breather or the kids and I go somewhere fun without him and let him mope around the house. In fact, he has agreed, with the prompting of his endo whom he respects, to seek help for depression. I am so hopeful that, along with the CGMS, we will begin to see improvement on all fronts. But, I have been hopeful before and am hoping this is not the start of another cycle.

    I do often think, don't you love us all enough to take care of yourself? He has no idea what it is like to have to field questions from little boys asking 'is Daddy going to die.' Ugh.

    How old are your kids? What do they think, or are they too young to understand?
     
  5. 3Tigers4Us

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    Sorry, I can see in your siggy the ages of your kids. Sigh...good thing they have a great/strong mom like you!!
     
  6. 3Tigers4Us

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    I also see you are in Maryland. I grew up in Columbia and now live in Virginia.
     
  7. ToddsMom

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    Neato!:)

    Man, my heart just was so sad when I read your post, (I just reread it again).
    I CANNOT BELIEVE HE HAD A HEART ATTACK AND STILL HAS NOT BECOME PROACTIVE!( Exactly what the title of your post says.

    I really really don't understand. I know it must be so miserable inside themselves, and whether it propells or is a result of their actions I just don't know.

    I don't see because to me it just flies in the face of logic and even our survival instinct. Perhaps its a flight or fight response and they've been fleeing? It's really so so sad for them, AND those who love them. And I know many times I have gone to the basement or my deck alone, and took a few swigs of a bottle and threw some empty punches into the air, that never connect cause there is nothing to connect to. Oh yeah, I've got a few things I would like to say to the entity Mr. Diabetes.

    I have chosen to fight. I won't let D take my son's precious health. Not if there is anything left in me. Why can't they find that place for themselves, and fight for themselves?

    My husband is supposed to give anti depressents a try. I hope they help him.

    My kids do pretty well, considering. They are not shy about expressing themselves, and I have tried to teach them to express their needs. So, even though they have had to undergo extra stress, I *try* to teach them how to nurture themselves and identify and honor their needs through them. I cannot control all the things that will happen to them in their lives, BUT I can try to help them through them. We rely on God, and pray together, esp. during difficult times. I encourage them to journal and like you, will try to get away to do things that are fun. Party pooper stays at home.:p We try not to let my husband's poor management of his D and his attitude take forefront. When a crisis DOES happen (more than I'd like as of late), we turn up the coping skills and get through as best as we can, and we emphasize cozy, snuggly, very *togethery* activities ... movies, board games, cards, read alouds etc. We just kind of hang out together until things calm down. Basically ... WE AVOID HIM when he's being an ass. He hates being ignored and will eventually act like a decent human being again so we'll hang out with him.

    My children are mainly concerned for him, they love him dearly.

    I am watching them closely for signs of distress. My son displayed some last year, and that was when I legally seperated from him. He is much better with him now, and they have a greatly improved relationship.

    Man, your husband has had some SERIOUS complications. I wish my husband would go on the pump, but I guess one can be lazy with the pump too.
    My dh's second to last seizure resulted in multiple fractures in his vertebrae. This really ticked me off because he used to be really physical and did a lot of fun things and now he's severely limited in what he can do. AND it's more work for me!:mad:
     
  8. 3Tigers4Us

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    The pump is great, at least for my dh, but he is all about getting the latest and greatest toys!! We are currently awaiting approval for a CGMS, which I think he will love. I know it doesn't work for everyone, but I know him, and I am confident he will have few complaints!

    For me, the most irritating part, is that he will *usually* take the time to test about 4-6 times a day, but he either does nothing with the information or gets the calculations wrong. How or why I do not know because he has a bolus calculator in his phone. He doesn't even have to do the math!!! I do think his basal rates are off, and that usually causes him to go low. Then he overcorrects and ends up high and grouchy as he tries to get back down. It is an endless cycle...

    The cardiac problems really sucked, to say the least. But we are just glad he survived as 3 of his arteries were 90% blocked. He had 3 normal stress tests in the 12 months prior to the heart attack and in the ER his EKG and cardiac enzymes came back normal, except for one that was *slightly* elevated. It really feels like it is always something. I would like to wake up one morning and discover that diabetes doesn't exist anymore. Never have to worry about meters and insulin, and glucose tabs, etc...
     
  9. wvchinacat

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    I have followed both threads (the one by ToddsMom) and this one. I too am a wife to a T1 (he was dx when he was 24 -so he has been D for about 15 years. For the most part he has bettered his overall health - he runs and exercises - but now that DD was dx I am learning that he really "cheats" alot and his A1c's are better but not the best. When I say cheat -I mean he gives himself extra insulin so he will have to eat again later. He eats a lot of CARBS and junk . . . but he says he makes up for it in running . . .IDK. My bigest complaint (and I LOVE him dearly) is that he is SUPER moody. I don;t remember him being this way prior to D - but we were young and had little worries in our lives. We are now married 12 years, 3 kids, 1 income and 2 D's in the house. So I often wonder would he have been this moody without D? OR does his high/low spikes make him moody. We too leave the house and let him mope - and often I end up not liking who I am around him. He is intolerant with the kids behaviors - more than just strict - but sometimes scary loud and angry. He never wants to talk about it - so often it just "goes away" until the next outburst.

    Fortunately we have not had any medical side effects, no seizures, no heart, no retinopathy . . .so my hugs go out to you both who are dealing with DH's who are not taking care of themselves. It is so hard to see someone hurt themselves in ways that end up hurting the whole family.

    BTW - I am also from MD and grew up in Columbia and went to Howard High - graduated in 1990. NOw live in WV.
     
  10. 3Tigers4Us

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    Too funny! I went to Hammond and graduated in 1994! Then to top it off, I was born in WV and actually didn't move to Columbia until I was in the 5th grade. The majority of my family still lives in WV. Small world!!!

    I don't know what it is about the moods, but I do think it has to be D related. My dh has been T1 since 1974, so I obviously don't know him any other way! The moods really do suck, but they come and go. I think the past 8 months have been the worst of our marriage (9 years) b/c of the birth of our 3rd ds, the heart issues, and our oldest starting K. Just too much to go through at once. Ever since I posted last week he does seemed to have turned a corner, so hopefully it will stick. Though I am not delusional enough to think he will never again be grouchy. But it would be nice, lol!! I do love him and can deal with the moods, for the most part, but I have told him that if he does not make an real effort to get the D under control then I will leave. I will not allow myself or my kids to watch his slow and deliberate suicide.

    Sometime I wonder if I am being to harsh. His last A1c was 9.2%, which I think is terrible, but perhaps I am being unrealistic?
     
  11. kristie.sp5293

    kristie.sp5293 New Member

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    I hear what all of you are saying.

    As I read each of your posts, all I can do is cry. My DH is a T1 since 1981 - heading on 30 years. We have no intimacy what so ever. I feel like a caretaker and room mate. He does like the rest of them have...eats what he wants, when he wants and "medicates" when the consequences come of insulin highs or lows. He would rather have lows because they don't make him so "edgy". The lows are misery to me. The latest event had me wrestling with him in the yard just to get an accurate test of his BG. He ended up locking himself in his truck and tanking. When he wasn't talking to me anymore - almost comatose, I went inside got my keys, unlocked the truck and tested him there. He was @ 28 and pouring sweat.

    I am so drained; mentally, emotionally, physically, and I still have a household and full time job to maintain for two kids under 13. I get mad at him for caring so little about himself. It is virtually impossible to keep my head in my work when I get a call from his boss saying "your husband has slurred speech, what do we do"? I feel like the invisible woman who is only needed to care for him.
     
  12. geeme

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    know the feeling

    i can totally relate to all of you. my partner is t1, has been for 11 years. we have been together for 4 years and and it is increasingly difficult (possibly not just because of the diabetes but it is definitely a complication our relationship does not need).

    i do get mad. when i found out i started out caring alot, worrying alot. As i did my own extensive research I quickly learnt that he doesn't take care of himself as he should. i tried to help him get back on track, be encouraging etc...this has helped somewhat in that he at least checks his BGL occasionally...(which is more than before).

    but when he drives when he knows hes low or gets moody which i think is sometimes due to out of range BGL, i get mad. no longer do i have patience and concern much anymore. i get mad that he doesn't do what he should for himself and consequently, for us.

    it does often make me wonder whether our rship can last. just wanted to add that i know how you guys feel.
     
  13. Ronin1966

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    Hello 3Tigers4Us:

    Forgive me I am not familiar with correct site protocols here yet.

    I have forty years.... i.e. more experience than your husband at trying to "control" this dragon. I realize this is an ancient thread by any standard but AS the diabetic, (who could easily be your husband) perhaps I can offer my perspective as that diabetic? I do not know if that is permitted in this portion of the forum, but I will offer none the less. This is a worthy topic... helpful to all of us I think. Perhaps (if permitted???) a discussion will be helpful?
     
    Last edited: Feb 19, 2010

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