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Feel disrespected for being a SAHM ( A very long vent)

Discussion in 'Parents Off Topic' started by Becky Stevens mom, Mar 14, 2011.

  1. Becky Stevens mom

    Becky Stevens mom Approved members

    Oct 14, 2008
    Ive gotten somewhat used to the questions over the past 11 years. "What do you do for a living" "Where do you work" those kind of questions. Then the response when I answer that I am a stay at home Mother. "Oh....." or things along that line. Ive always had the feeling that my IL's feel that Im being lazy because Im not working for pay. My MIL has made comments that I should get a job to take some of the pressure off of my husband to provide for us. Last night my husband was talking to his older sister about a family issue. My SIL and her husband are a professional couple in their 50s. Theyve chosen to not have children and concentrate on their careers. I absolutely respect them for making that decision.

    My husband was discussing the fact that his younger brother and his wife arent working and not looking for jobs and that my IL's are paying their mortgage and all their bills right now and have been for over a year. They dont have children yet but very much want them. My husband said that his brother's wife should be taking any jobs she could get right now and not wait for the "perfect" job to come along. Her reply "Becky's not working right now" My husband told her that that is because we can afford for me to stay home right now. Her comment angered and disapointed me. Ive always felt that I was working too and very hard taking care of the home and the kids, trying to save money however I can. I dont think my SIL realizes the sacrifices that we've made to have this lifestyle with me being a SAHM. Im considering talking to her about this issue but doubt that she will understand how we live. I do think that she should try and respect the decision we've made as I respect hers
  2. Charlene

    Charlene Approved members

    Dec 4, 2008
    I am so sorry! We get this too. And the Oh I wish I could do that. Some people should just keep their opinions to themselves!
  3. MamaBear

    MamaBear Approved members

    Jul 20, 2010
    I'm sorry you're feeling that way. I have felt that way too. Being a stay at home mom is indeed a job. I've been a married stay at home mom, a married working mom, a divorced working mom, and a divorced work at home mom, and I've found that no matter what kind of mom you are, someone will have something to say about it, even if it's not their place to say anything. Some think if you stay at home, you're not fulfilling your potential as an individual woman. Some think if you work, you're neglecting your children, some should mind their own business. Do what is right for your family and don't worry about what anyone else says or thinks.
  4. Christopher

    Christopher Approved members

    Nov 20, 2007
    Sorry you are feeling this way. But the reality is you can't "make" someone respect you or your decisions. If you are comfortable with your decision and your lifestyle, then who cares what other people think? Life is too short to spend time worrying about them.
  5. kimmcannally

    kimmcannally Approved members

    Feb 28, 2010
    Ugh! I'm sorry you had to deal with that. Stay at home Moms have a HUGE job, and if you have a CWD, that makes it even more difficult. Someone without kids just can't even begin to imagine what your life is like.
    I would do my best to just forget the comment. What she said is kind of like saying "the sky is blue" when people are talking about dogs. It didn't apply to the situation. Your DH was talking about two people being supported by their parents because neither one was working. That has nothing to do with your family.
  6. obtainedmist

    obtainedmist Approved members

    Aug 3, 2010
    Get some good self-talk going about how much you do for your family. Think about all that you do to keep your family healthy and secure. Remember, if you save one person, you save the world!
  7. mocha

    mocha Approved members

    Feb 27, 2011
    I'm sorry you have to deal with this. It really seems like SAHM is one of the most under appreciated jobs. :(
  8. Sarah Maddie's Mom

    Sarah Maddie's Mom Approved members

    Sep 23, 2007
    I think Christopher makes a really important point.

    And too, Becky, it sounds like you don't, in fact, respect your SiL's choice. You sound judgmental ( I think I would be too, if my in-laws were supporting my bil and sil's lifestyle). But maybe she senses your disapproval as well?
  9. Becky Stevens mom

    Becky Stevens mom Approved members

    Oct 14, 2008
    You are right Chris and life is too short to worry about what people think about me. I guess I just expected something different from this person. I dont even know how my name came up in conversation:confused: They were discussing the younger brothers wife who hasnt worked for more then a few months since they got married 3 years ago and my SIL had to point out that Im not working. I dont think that has anything to do with what they were discussing. I guess just a way for her to defend them and probably not a way to put me down although I felt that way
  10. rdhead

    rdhead Approved members

    Oct 15, 2010
    I'm sorry for your situation and I completely understand. I've learned recently how difficult it is when you feel so passionately about something and to have those that are supposed to support you not see things the same way you do. Sometimes it just makes your heart hurt.

    I have been a SAHM for a few years now. It's something we've always worked for in our family. I've had to work to help support our family at times. Just a few years ago I was the only one working as we were hit with the poor economy. My husband went back to school while I was the provider. This last August as my youngest one started school the topic of going to work again was brought up. With several thousands in student loan debt looming over us I felt that since all of my children were in school that I should go back to work to help pay these loans down. My husband and I talked forever about this. We prayed and prayed about it. Something just didn't feel right. We both decided that for the time being I should wait to go back to work. Two months later in October my cute Connor was diagnosed with type 1. In that moment I couldn't have even imagined having to worry about working outside of the home.

    As our medical expenses become greater and greater and those student loans haven't gone away we have caught some grief from certain family members saying that I should get a job. For right now we still feel it's not the right time especially with Connor getting his pump soon. With all of the reading I've done here I'm pretty sure there will be a lot of learning and tweaking we are going to have to do to be able to feel completely comfortable with the process.

    All I'm trying to say is that you have to do what's right for you and your family. It's hard when the hurtful comments come from those who are supposed to love and support us but they don't live our lives everyday. They don't fully understand what it is we have to do on a daily basis. You are doing a great job! That's all that matters. Treat their uneducated comments like you would spam. Delete and move on!
  11. StillMamamia

    StillMamamia Approved members

    Nov 21, 2007
    Glad you agree with Chris, because I think he makes a good point.;)

    No matter what, there will always be someone who will criticize how you live, what you wear, how you speak, where you live and what you do. It sucks big time, but that's how it is.

    I also think sometimes we get so hit by some comments we start doubting ourselves, like "Maybe I really don't do much."

    As a side story, I used to get my FIL saying to me "But what do you do all day." I got so frigging tired of it, that one day I told him "I spend my days peeking out from behind the curtains watching what the neighbours do, so I can have things to say about them." He didn't know if I was serious or not:rolleyes:, but it shut him down.:)

    I hope you're able to let the comments roll off of you. It's not easy if we feel a bit inferior, kwim? But it's doable. You and your life have as much worth as anyone else's.
  12. DsMom

    DsMom Approved members

    Nov 9, 2010
    I've been lucky in that there is a large circle of SAHMs that I know--and the working moms have been respectful (at least to my face)!:p

    You didn't write a lot about him, but it seems that your husband is supportive of your decision--in that you are blessed. Since my youngest has started first grade, there has been a lot of underlying tension in our house in that I have not yet gone back to work. It's just hard for me to see myself in a full-time job that will be understanding when I have to leave if Daniel has a pump problem or emergency or if one of my other kids is sick. Especially lately, it seems as if I am at the school all of the time to pick up someone that is sick, bring something someone forgot, etc, etc. How do you do that with a full-time job?? Uh, oh, starting my own vent--sorry!:eek:

    Anyway, give your husband a big hug and kiss when he gets home! Disrespect outside the house IS annoying and can be hurtful--but respect inside is priceless!:)
  13. BKKT10

    BKKT10 Approved members

    Jul 2, 2010
    I agree, someone is always going to have any issue with what you are, or aren't, doing.

    I feel like my IL's look down at me because I am a working mom. My MIL always stayed home with her children and just started working a few years ago. They act like my husband does all of the work of raising our children and I just sit around with my feet up all day, which couldn't be further from the truth. I would love to be able to stay home with my kids but unfortunately, my husband doesn't make enough to pay the bills.

    Everyone is a critic- I've learned that you can't let it bother you :)
  14. KatieJane'smom

    KatieJane'smom Approved members

    Jun 15, 2008
    I've had the best of both worlds and let me tell you that being a stay at home mom is beyond a doubt my choice.

    I was working when I had my first child. He was a preemie (way before surfactant & other drugs were in use to help). He was very fragile and during the first 4 months of his life he been in 4 different hospitals and seen at least 20 different specialists. Our hospital bill from his birth was more than our house cost at the time! This was NOT the time for me to quit working but I did. We felt it was in the best interest of his health for me to stay home with him. So, I did and have no regrets. I did pick up part time jobs to help out.

    Fast forward 3 1/2 years, I had the twins and continued to stay home with them. Basically, because paying childcare for 2 just about evened out with what I would have been making and I felt it was important to stay home with my children when they were young. Now that they are teens, I wish I could still be staying at home. I feel the need to do that more than ever!

    Anyway, after staying home & keeping VERY busy for 10 years, I had an offer to go back to work. The twins were in first grade so I did go back to work and have been working ever since. I'm thankful for my job and for all the extra lessons, etc. that my kids have been able to do because of my job BUT if I could afford it - I would quit in a heartbeat to stay home again.

    I'm SO tired when I come home from work that I just can't do all the things I want to do with my kids - or keep the house & cook like I would if I were home.

    Do what you think is best or your own family!! Don't let anyone make you feel bad for your decisions.
  15. caspi

    caspi Approved members

    Oct 11, 2006
    I left a professional career 16 years ago to be a SAHM and don't regret it for a minute. It's not always easy living on one salary, especially in this economy. My MIL has never understood this and from time to time will throw a comment out there, but you know what? I DON'T CARE! ;) This was a decision that my husband and I made before we had children and we sacrifice a lot in order to make it work.

    So Becky, if you're happy with your current situation, that's all that matters. :)
  16. MyBoys'Mom

    MyBoys'Mom Approved members

    Jul 20, 2009
    H Becky,

    I've always had to work. I've worked full-time since I was out of high school. Now, I know that I've allowed the situation to be established that I'm the one who can never work less than full-time, but the truth is that I can't. I can only speak for myself, but, if I'm ever snarky or anything less than graceful about someone being able to be a stay-at-home mom, it's pure and simple jealousy!

    Keep your chin up, Becky! You Rock!
  17. VinceysMom

    VinceysMom Approved members

    Mar 3, 2010
    What Chris said, and more! Just imagine what people say when they find out my husband is a HOUSE HUSBAND, not by choice, by injury. But just imagine what people say to me, to him, behind our back. So, I say, as long as WE can do what we can do, and our kids are happy, healthy, provided for, I couldnt give a rats @$$ what everyone else thinks! Heck with 'em Becky, just let them be, I wouldnt waste my breath...she will NEVER get it.

    You are THE MOST AWESOME MOM and you have inspired SO MANY OF US HERE ... just keep on keepin' on...!!
  18. Amy C.

    Amy C. Approved members

    Oct 22, 2005
    I think your SIL is envious of your situation. She is hoping her hubby will find a job and they could assume the lifestyle your family enjoys. She is probably thinking, why bother to get a job when I plan to stay at home once the kids come?

    Your husband should have spoken up when she said that you stay at home and point out that the two of you were lucky to have that choice available. They shouldn't, as adults, expect your in laws parents to support them forever. Between the two of them, one ought to be working. When your brother in law gets a job that supports a family, she too can stay at home. That hasn't happened yet.
  19. Connie(BC)Type 1

    Connie(BC)Type 1 Approved members

    Nov 11, 2005
    Don't lower yourself to their level Becky, all jobs are worthwhile, ESPECIALLY the job of MOM/DAD, be it stay at home or out to work(some absolutely must)
  20. wilf

    wilf Approved members

    Aug 27, 2007
    When people ask about our work situation, I simply tell them that I do the paid work and my wife does the REAL work of the family (keeping us comfortably housed and clothed and well-nourished, and being the main support for our girls' schooling).

    It is an unfortunate by-product of our money-obsessed society that the excellent work done by parents staying at home is not given the respect it deserves.

    You're a gem Becky :), and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

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