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Do I need help or is this normal? (WARNING: Major vent!)

Discussion in 'Parents of Children with Type 1' started by 4monkeez, Sep 8, 2010.

  1. teri1010

    teri1010 Approved members

    Sep 1, 2010
    I would be upset as well. Even though she may mean well you and your family are dealing with a life altering diagnosis the last thing you need is for someone who has known you for less then a month to come acroos like that. My daughter was just diagnosed about 2 weeks ago. Getting up in the middle of the night to test her blood is draining enough and she is my only one , I can't imagine how you are handling it with four children. I don't think it will be anytime soon that I will be able to be okay with this. Yes we are all grateful it is something we can manage but it changes your childs life and your families just the same.
    All my best
  2. simom

    simom Approved members

    Jun 2, 2008
    I'm in the "I think she meant well" camp - although if you don't know her very well, it seems like a bit much.

    I believe many (all?) of us would agree we were very overwhelmed/stressed/hovering/anxiety-stricken following diagnosis - and how we handled it and when would vary as much as blood sugars - I think I would speak in the context of months, years, and "never" for "getting over it" - months for beginning to feel confident in my own care for our child and that provided by others, a year or really feeling that diabetes is fully integrated into our everyday life, and never really being willing to feel that we wish we didn't have this in our child's life. So where you are is very normal and okay.

    That being said, for me, if you had asked me at each step, I would have told you (and still will) that we are "handling it" and we are "fine" but as I look back, especially at the whole first year - it was HARD! I was exhausted and stressed a lot of the time. With that in mind - do know that there are support resources - here, online - through various organizations (ADA, JDRF, endocrinologists and clinics) and even your own doctor and reach out to them in whatever way you need, whenever you feel ready.
  3. Melancholywings

    Melancholywings Approved members

    Sep 15, 2009
    I think she thinks she's well meaning in the same sense as some of the religious nuts excuse their behavior as well meaning. But I'd be mad that she felt the need to do an intervetion and shove her 'beliefs' onto you with out really offering any help. It'd be different if she knew you well. But the way she went about it was just wrong. I'd be like going to a casual friend's house - seeing a beer in the fridge and sending them a letter that they should go to AA.

    The grieving process doesn't work on a time line. It takes time to adjust to your new life. To not only deal with your emotions, your child's emotions but to also learn to rebalance everything. If you wanted to retain the friendship I'd just explain it like that, then ask if she is serious about helping you that she should take one of those free classes at the hospital that goes through what you need to know to care for a child with diabetes. Her response will tell you what kind of friend she'll be.
  4. Brandi's mom

    Brandi's mom Approved members

    Dec 18, 2009
    wow, THREE WEEKS and all should be OK now??? NOT! I had a 15 year old who was very hypo aware, did her own calculations, counted her own carbs, did her own shots and at three weeks out I was still a wreck!!!
  5. CamsMom

    CamsMom Approved members

    Jul 2, 2010
    Last edited: Sep 9, 2010
  6. momandwifeoftype1s

    momandwifeoftype1s Approved members

    Mar 4, 2008
    I guess what I don't understand is why she didn't just ask you while she was at your house if she could help you? Why e-mail you afterwards? Why couldn't she hold your hand and let you cry? Ask you what she could do to help? That's the kind of friend I needed after Connor was diagnosed - not a friend to tell me that I need to go see a doctor. Maybe you can tell her some things that would help you right now, and see if she's willing to pitch in? Give her some concrete ideas like watching your other kids for an hour or two, making a large bin full of pre-counted carb baggies with snacks, taking one of your other child out for some 1:1 time, etc. I wasn't shy to ask for what I really needed from my friends, and they stepped up to the plate. If all your friend wants to do is give you unsolicited advice, I'd just step away for awhile and re-visit the e-mail and friendship sometime in the future. I'm sorry :(.
  7. Lizzie's Mom

    Lizzie's Mom Approved members

    Oct 2, 2009
    I haven't read all the way through this thread yet, but before my sleep-deprived mind loses this thought I'll put it down:

    Some people cannot bear to live in a world where everything is not "fine". They have a need to straighten the crooked pictures in the rooms they find themselves in and often have a need to 'fix' the people they perceive need 'fixing' that they surround themselves with.

    People like that find no value in suffering discomfort or inconvenience in any form. After all, life should always be 'happy'!

    They do not acknowledge the self-sacrificial attributes and love that parents of children with special needs possess, often out of sheer necessity rather than out of special talent or abilities. Those talents and abilities come over time - often over a longer period of time than 'picture-straighteners' are comfortable with.

    There is a development of character that comes from going through and learning to deal with whatever life throws at us. Sometimes it isn't pretty as we're developing that character and the skills to handle our circumstances . . . some people cannot bear to watch the process . . . they look at the one undergoing that process as a crooked picture in a room rather than looking at them as a work in progress.

    Some of the most character-building times in my life were some of the hardest times, and not pleasant. Those times also showed me that there is more to living in this world than ME, and MY happiness! Not that happiness is not at all important, but there are things like joy and contentment that precede true happiness . . . and often those things are learned during the difficult times in life.

    True friends recognize times of forging character in the ones they care about. They are there to assist in ways that they can and to be an encouragement or just an ear to hear vents =o).

    If the acquaintance that you've written about cannot understand how character and depth of an appreciation for life are forged, then I'd gradually spend less time with her and seek out less shallow friends.
  8. Marcia

    Marcia Approved members

    Feb 22, 2007
    If she is not a close, personal friend (the kind who knows you well and would give you a kidney) I would just forget about it. You are too close to diagnosis and really, it takes a while to be in a place where you don't question everything you do. You don't have to explain your new world to her. If you feel so overwhelmed that it affects your ability to interact with your family, your ability to eat or carry out needed daily responsibilities, then give your doctor a visit. It is impossible for others to understand what this diagnosis to a family in the beginning.
  9. 4monkeez

    4monkeez Approved members

    Aug 28, 2010
    Thank you all so much! I ended up sending her an e-mail saying that 3 weeks was not nearly enough time to "level out" and I explained that my life is in a constant state of flux...putting out fires, BG too high, too low, not enough food, hungry, doesn't want shots or to rest when his BG is 52....I told her what I really need is to vent and not be judged by someone who cannot possibly understand any of it. I plan to take my space from herand to be very careful who I share with...

    But all of your responses normalized what I am feeling in SO many ways...this is by far the hardest thing we have ever experienced and I have so much repect for all of you and hope that someday in the future, I can complete a clear thought!
  10. tandjjt

    tandjjt Approved members

    Sep 14, 2006
    Good for you! Maybe she will think about it a little more before she sends the next person she doesn't know very well advise about something she knows nothing about. She probably meant well but truly I think she overstepped. A simple "I'm concerned about you as you seem so stressed, what can I do to help?" or even "I can see you are very stressed right now and stress can take a huge toll on your health - don't be afraid or embarrassed to seek help from your Dr. if you need to"... Either one of these convey the message of concern without offence - It will be interesting to see if/how she responds.

    If you are like me, you will find that this disease causes us "Moms" to grow a sturdy backbone and thicker skin. You can always come here to vent, grumble, gripe, complain, cry and *YES* sometimes even LAUGH with others that know what you are going through and it truly does help with the stress.

    Hang in there - you are doing just fine!
  11. blbrocky

    blbrocky Approved members

    Apr 25, 2007
    You could suggest she come to CWD and do some reading..... She will quickly learn what we go through on a daily basis!
  12. kiwiliz

    kiwiliz Approved members

    Sep 25, 2008
    Yes - I think you responded perfectly to this well meaning nut job. She sounds as though she is walking around in some sort of drug induced "Stepford Wife" haze! LOL No one can have ANY IDEA how hard this is for a mum who is dealing with this.

    Perhaps "hot bath" is an analogy for something else! Ha ha ha!
  13. LJM

    LJM Approved members

    Mar 10, 2008
    Wow! Wendy, well said. Beautifully said.
  14. Mike&Dans.Mom

    Mike&Dans.Mom Approved members

    Apr 2, 2009
    Okay, I just wanted to let you know: I'm worried about you. This is, indeed, a very stressful time - but it should be a point where you're starting to level out

    What!!! Is this woman f***n crazy?? Starting to level out?? This so called know-it-all needs to back way off of you. Your child, your family, everything has changed, and she is telling you that you should be at a point where you should be okay?? I've been at this for 12 years - it does get better, but this was the hardest thing i've ever been through - including my divorce! I would tell her to stick it where the sun-don't shine:cwds:/

    I find that you're twirling and whirling into what seems to be a self-feeding eddy of stress and panic.

    Self feeding - what a bunch of bunk:mad:

    You have had a lot on your plate for several weeks now and your support system, while wonderful, isn't terribly hands on right now (not that it really could be because of all the issues involved).

    I think if your support system - your parents, spouse, real friends etc - were worried about you needing a doctor they would let you know not this jerk.

    I'm not in any way preaching to you, judging you or trying to tell you what to do but I want to highly recommend that you quickly make an appointment with your doctor to discuss options.

    She is doing just what she says she is not!!!!!!!!

    You are an incredibly strong woman which can sometimes work against nature in this type of situation because you're trying to "handle" everything and not allowing yourself to acknowledge your overwhelming situation.

    Hello - should you not handle the diabetes !!QUOTE]

    I don't think I've ever been so angry at anything i've ever read on this site. This so called friend has no clue what it is like to go through the grief, anger, sadness, pain, denial, fear, and the need to quickly lear a whole new way of life, when a child is dx'd with diabetes.

    Give her my email....I'll tell her a thing or two
  15. Beach bum

    Beach bum Approved members

    Nov 17, 2005

    How well said!
  16. deafmack

    deafmack Approved members

    Sep 22, 2006
    This person needs to get an idea of what you parents go through. I think I would have told her to "get a life". No one has any idea what it is like to deal with a chronic disease until they have to live with it on an hour by hour or minute by minute basis where one is never sure of what will happen next. To say what this person said to you may have been well-meaning, but it was out of line and she needs to apologize and you can tell her I said so.
  17. KHM

    KHM Approved members

    Mar 24, 2010
    That's exactly what everyone who has never had a CWD thinks. And then they think you're crazy when you struggle. And you keep having to advocate for your CWD and you know what? Eventually it could make you crazy!
  18. selketine

    selketine Approved members

    Jan 4, 2006
    Out of curiosity, I wonder what magical thing the doctor could do for us 3 weeks post diagnosis to make everything better? I mean - that sounds AWESOME doesn't it? They should just prescribe it for the parents along with the insulin for the kid.

    I can see how someone could send that note and offer support (like can I cook dinner 1 night a week, go shopping, mow your yard, run an errand, take you out to coffee). I don't get the doctor angle - unless she truly thinks you are depressed to the point of despair and needs intervention (I'm not suggestion you are) - and if so, I would NOT have put that in an email.

    Hang in there.
  19. buggle

    buggle Approved members

    Mar 24, 2008
    I totally agree.

    It's really hard to let go of the desire we all have for a perfect, healthy, happy child. It still hurts to think of what Brendan has to go through every day and will always have to go through.

    Joy in the little things and contentment are what's carried me through many, many incredibly difficult times in life and still gets me through. Thank you for saying it all so eloquently, Wendy (Lizzie's Mom). Your explanation helps to understand how people react to our T1 kids and to us as parents struggling to deal with it.

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