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consequences to son for lazy care?

Discussion in 'Parents of Children with Type 1' started by Ivan's Mum, May 30, 2010.

  1. Judy&Alli

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    Hi Fran,
    Nice to see you back!!:D He sounds like a really fun kid!!!

    Since he is so fun, I would take that away until her gets your point. I might also have a sit down with him and let him know that you are only doing this because you love him. With Alli we actually had to go a step further and explain complications. (sort of generically) I hated having that talk with her, but at the time it was necessary. It was a turning point for her, almost as if she finally understood why we fuss so much over her. I thought we would do this much later but now looking back it was a good thing and she got the info from me and not some crazy person at a party or something.

    I hope you can get to the bottom of it and he can resume his awesome childhood. I love that you are trying to balance his emotional health as well.

    Hang in there Fran you are doing a great job!!
     
  2. Jensmami

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    Your welcome! :)
     
  3. Jensmami

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    Perfectly said, Judy!!! :)
     
  4. kiwikid

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    I'd get his friends in on the job. If they are all out together enjoying the adventures, and they want Ivan to be part of it, then they all have to step up.
    Promise them all an ice cream at the end of the week. Its no fun being the only one who has to stop for this stuff so make them all do it..

    And YES! I have a nearly 9 yr old like this one ;)
     
  5. PatriciaMidwest

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    I'm not sure I'd call him lazy, perhaps he has other priorities, much to our dismay. Does he do everything at home like he should, or is he showing signs of burning out in general? I think he needs to call and check in with you every 2-3 hours, and then you can work out what the next step is. D mgmt is an enormous amount of responsibility for a 9 year old, and many kids start out doing everything all the time and then burn out after a few years. It's not that the tasks are too hard, it is just that it can seem never-ending and takes away from the spontaneity most kids get to enjoy. Sorry you guys are going through this.
     
  6. wilf

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    I sense that you don't like the responses you're getting.

    But his safety (short-term and long-term) through conscientious D management can not be negotiable. If you start down the road of letting things slide when he's 10, then you're asking for dire trouble later on when he's in his teens.

    Use humour, bribery, enlist the friends, appeal to his better self or whatever - but INSIST that D management is a priority that can not be shunted aside. If he was my kid I'd be riding him hard right now, with a requirement to check in back at home every 2 hours and at the first violation a grounding to drive home the point.

    He needs clearly staked boundaries to orient himself by. Your job is to provide them. :cwds:
     
  7. Ivan's Mum

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    It's not that I don't like the responses, it's just that I've asked for ways to make it work, or some help on consequences.
     
  8. Ivan's Mum

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    is fine at home, tests without being asked much of the time. Especially if feeling low. Always boluses when eating, is really proactive70% of waking time!

    This is why I'm so disappointed. It's like outta site, outta mind.
     
  9. sammysmom

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    I think that enlisting his friends help is a really good idea! Maybe sit them all down, including Ivan and let them know that for right now, it is going to have to be a team effort. Bribery is really good at this age too. Increased D care may lead to more some sort of treat....or whatever he has been eyeballing lately?? My son is turning 9 in July and he is going through the same thing right now.....it really is frustrating!
     
  10. Tuff

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    We have always been told at our clinic that we as parents should not put the responsibility onto the child to care for his diabetes until they show an interest - of cousre we're not talking completely because kids do do their own checks but in general it is the parents job. The childs job is to be a kid.

    A study was apparently done where the kids who had to look after their own diabetes were much more likely to rebel against the diabetes as teenagers because by the time they got to being a teenager they were tired of the repsonsibility and stopped taking care of themselves. Unlike a child who has been taken care of, told when to check and very slowly been given independance for their own care were much more likely to continue caring for themselves as teenagers and adults.

    These are kids. They should be worried about being a kid at this age. I would be calling over to the friends and reminding him what needs to be done. I would ask what he's eating and tell him how much to bolus. I would call later just to see again how he is doing - if I find out his site is out he would need to come home and have it fixed and then could go back and play.

    He needs to be cared for. He is NOT ready to do diabetes. He wants to play. Let him play. As he gets older he will give signals that he is maturing and can do more for himself. The clinic told us in this situation the parents need to completely take over for the child. This does NOT mean to punish him or make him stay home! It means you stay in constant contact with him and tell him what needs to be doing along the way. You need to keep him safe whether he is at home or away. Reward him when he does things on his own. Not yet though. You still have at least a couple years of this being your job.

    Just my opinion.
     
  11. wilf

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    Consequences:
    "If he was my kid I'd be riding him hard right now, with a requirement to check in back at home every 2 hours and at the first violation a grounding to drive home the point."

    The check in back home means he calls or stops by, let's you know what his blood sugar is and what carbs and insulin he has on board.

    As soon as it is clear to him that Mom means it and is not going to budge, then he'll adjust and make it part of his day. But until it's clear he'll keep on with the current behavior.

    You are being put to an unpleasant test, with lots riding on the outcome.
     
  12. PatriciaMidwest

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    You may have hit the nail right on the head with the out of site, out of mind. As much as I hate it, I also kind of understand why kids might do it. If he has to be accountable to you in 2-3 hours, he might? take better care of himself.
     
  13. Tuff

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    Sorry Wilf I have to disagree ;) no offence though!

    I don't think he is putting anyone to a test. I think he is being a little boy with a disease that he isn't mature enough to deal with right at this stage of his life. Every kid is different obviously. Some are much more mature some much less. I think he is just where he should be. By calling him at his friends throughout the day he will still being cared for but at a distance. He can be a kid and Mom and Dad can care for him. It's a win win situation. He is only 8 years old. He has 6 yrs until he is 14. That's a long time to have to be responsible for himself before the scary adolescent years start.

    If they ride him hard right now it will surely backfire later. Fighting about diabetes now?? How about when they can't control him later as a teenager? That is when the parents need him to be responsible not yet.
     
    Last edited: May 31, 2010
  14. Ivan's Mum

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    He's just come home from school (where he can remember to test before he walks home with his little brother;)) and we've had a chat.

    I've told him that I've posted this question and let him read through some of the responces (though he's chomping at the bit to get outside with his mates) and told him that the vast majority of people think that he shouldn't be out roaming or having to remember his care, that at 9 he's too young - that was funny because that got on his goat and dented his pride!

    I asked what he thought should happen because I can't always be there to remind him. He admitted that he was just not wanting to bother stopping what he's doing.

    I told him that as I wasn't prepared to climb though the creek, crawl up trees and skateboard up ramps to ensure that he looked after himself he had the choice of taking better care or staying at home where I would do the remembering for him.

    He's horrified at staying at home with his family. (We really are that bad) and he wants to make a better effort to raise his game.

    I've told him that we'll think about some consequences together as a family for any time he falls short and that he'll know in advance what they are. There will be no rewards for doing a good job other than being told good job. I don't really think that he should be rewarded for doing what needs to be done but I do tell him often was a great job he does and take him out on "Mum dates" so he knows that I'm proud of him because I tell him all the time.

    I do wonder if a vague (for want of a better word) chat about the long term complications may be in order - as suggested.

    I think Ivan will be a person that (like so many T1's) suffers from depression when he's older. It seems to run in both sides of his family but I also believe you're never to young to take some of the responsibility, it's another job that needs to be done and he does plenty of other jobs around the place and this is, in fact, his life - as sucky as it may seem.

    I don't believe that it's a big ask for him to do what he does well during the school day and transfer it to the weekend. Especially when the reward for taking care of yourself is being allowed to roam.

    Thanks all of you for your help. Whilst I don't agree with much of it, it's (hopefully) helping to shake him up a little.:p
     
  15. skimom

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    Time for the heart to heart - sit him down - tell him your concerns and what you need him to do and why. Get him to commit to a plan ( that you can both live with)and get him to come up with the consequences as to what should happen if he doesn't follow his plan. Keep a record ( calendar , what ever) and have a reward in place if he hits a say 90% success rate. i would also get him an alarm watch so that he gets some reminders in case fun gets in the way. Enlist the help of his friends (and his friend's parents if need be to remind him) and plan a party if everyone helps your son reach his goal. I find my kid's friends are my best allies.
    Your son is doing an awesome job for a kid his age - and I love to hear about all the fun he must be having ! it is great that he is all boy first and that diabetes isn't getting in his way! He will be able to do it - he just needs help figuring out the best way to get back on track.
    Good luck!
     
  16. Ivan's Mum

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    I disagree and think that Wilf is kinda on the button. Plus we're not fighting as such, he knows he's in the wrong. He's not argueing about it and the kid can put up a big fight if he thinks he's in the right.

    The fact is I need him to be responsible now, AND in the future.

    If he wants to walk the walk, he talks the talk. It's that simple. Considering how fast the 4 years since DX has gone, I'll blink and he'll be a teenager.

    I hope to do it with love but am not adverse to a good butt kicking if it slides again.:D
     
  17. Jensmami

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    Does he have a cell? If so, I would tell him to txt you every time before he eats something. Otherwise, I would tell him he has to call in or show up every 2 h. Also I would not be too hard on him, he is just a kid and they forget, specially when they are having fun with their friends. It happens sometimes with my DD too. I usually try :p not to get upset, and we correct and take it from there. She too, is normally very good with her diabetes care, but things happen.
     
  18. Heather(CA)

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    I'm not a big believer in punishment specifically because of D, at least not at 8 or 9. To be honest, I think I would get him a cell phone so that you can keep better tabs on him. Nearly nine is still eight. And as someone once said, even 10 year old boys can barely remember to tie their shoes and zip their pants....Get him a phone:)

    If you can't afford a phone, then I would say that "I'm so sorry, I really want you to be able to go to your friends house...But, I love you too much to let you not take care of yourself, so since you don't, you can't go this time." Hopefully next time we can try again and you can remember..."

    Personally, I vote for a phone:D
     
  19. Heather(CA)

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    This sounds like he's burnt out....
     
  20. sammysmom

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    Sounds like you two have come up with a good plan! Mom ALWAYS knows best! Sometimes just threatening taking away their freedom is enough to bring out the prideful side of them! I think that if he KNOWS what he should be doing and has proven it time and time again, then there is NOTHING wrong with holding him accountable for his D care at 9 yrs old!

    Depression.....that's a hard one to deal with. It runs in my family also and my older (non D) 11 yr old is very prone to it. Hate that he has to deal with it but teaching them about it now might just help out later when it hits hard.
     

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