Discussion in 'Parents of Children with Type 1' started by KHM, Sep 27, 2010.
We need a Facebook-like "Like" button. This is great. Play to your strengths!
Sometimes I'm glad I don't have to co-manage with anyone. It'd probably make me crazy when I wanted to do one thing and they wanted to do another. I imagine it would be nice to have someone take a bit of the burden, though. Very interesting issue, I think.
Someone else said it but it is absolutely true that the way parents divide the labor in management of their CWD is likely to be very consistent with their overall relationship dynamics. I think that might be an interesting thing for you to reflect on as you begin to consider what your life will be like as an independent person and/or as part of a couple.
My husband and I do roughly the same thing. He will do both overnight checks on the day before I work, and I will do it on the nights before he is working.
I would say we split the care pretty evenly - we both work 24 hour shifts, so one of us is home doing all the management while the other is working. I think I do more of the changes for basal rates, doctors appointments, and reading up on the latest studies and such.
I know we have some differences in treatment, but both ways of treating highs and lows seem to work (i like temp basals, he likes more corrections and less temp basal)
I practically could have written this post! I was actually thinking about how I do most of the D care yesterday (before I saw this post). I had to check myself for being a little bit annoyed by how I do my best to count carbs, and do everything right, study logs, etc. and DH will take a look at DS's plate (some of the time) and say, hmm....3 units sounds about right. The stupid thing is that when I stop and actually do the counting, the dose nearly always comes out the same as DH's estimation. I don't think it's wholly responsible for him to just eyeball it, but I can't convince him to do it differently. On the other hand...I don't want to micromanage him. So when I'm there, he lets me take over D care because I'm more the expert so it works out better that way. It would really bother me and I'd worry. I hate to think I'm the mom who doesn't let dad do anything because he does it wrong...it's not exactly like that, but I prefer to help DS count carbs and calculate his doses, so DH is fine to let me do it.
I am also a SAHM, and DS is doing school at home this year, so I do pretty much ALL the D care. I don't mind doing it; it's not a huge burden for me. It is not often that DH is completely in charger of D care for more than a few hours, but when he is, I dont' worry about it the whole time. DS is old enough to remember his ratios and understand what is involved in his D care (to help his dad get it right, ha ha). DS does often have high numbers when DH is in charge...but he has highs when I'm in charge, too.
I guess the reason I'm responding is because I feel the same way; that I wish DH would take a little more interest in "studying" DS's D care so that when I'm not sure what to do, I have someone else to run it past, to get a little help with figuring it out, someone who I know has given it more than 2 minutes' thought. Or, if (heaven forbid), something were to happen when I'm not around, DH would know what to do. I don't like his apparent "we'll give him a dose and if he's high later, oh well, we'll correct" approach.
This post has turned out to be more of a vent than I thought it would....sorry about that. I think this comes now because DS is coming out of honeymoon (I think), and his BG's have been harder to keep in check (A1C went from 6.5 to 7.3 in 3 months! eek!), and DH doesn't really seem to be aware of all the changes that are going on. (And I've been going through a rough patch in general.) It's good to read responses from others and to know that I'm not the only one whose spouse takes a different approach to D care, and that I can be okay with that.
You know what's funny? I had reached a point of just being fed up with being the one researching/reading/etc, that I told DH he'd have to go to the endo visits and take over that part.
So, at the last endo visit, I went, and the endo (a new one) said "Oh, I'm so glad to finally see you. It's good to know you're also involved in your son's care." Being that I don't keep my mouth shut very well at times, I told him what happened.
I felt truly annoyed with the whole thing. It's like you do the behind the scenes stuff and noone sees it, kwim?
I also think when you start getting upset at your companion's lack of proactivity, it's a good idea to look at yourself too and see what you can bring to the compromise table, granted the other party also does the same.
This has been a very helpful thread. For me, the issues my DH and I have with D care are really the same issues that we have in our marriage generally. Thinking of it that way has actually helped me a bit, because it tells me that some of the same strategies that have helped in other areas are likely to help this one.
Part of my issue is that I resent/don't like asking him to step up. I feel like I "shouldn't have to." But the fact is, if I want something from him, the best way for me to get it is to ask. (When I asked for a monthly date night and monthly flowers, I got them, even if I have to remind him ever once in a while)
I also realized from reading this thread that give our communication issues -- I need to find a way to advise him of how we (meaning "I") do things in a way that works for him. If I verbally give him some instructions (and I concede that I am instructing/directing him), he finds the information overwhelming and views me as a control freak (which I am, but not as much as he thinks). If I tell him after the fact that DD was high or was low and I think that it is because of how he handled something, he views it as finger-pointing.
What I realized (from this thread) is that I have to write up a "protocol" rather than tell him. I can then show it to him, he will comment on it, and we can then have some agreement on how things should go. That has worked in the context of our nighttime routine, etc.
This thread underscores the point that everybody is different and it's impossible to generalize.
In my own case as a T1 adult:
My wife has zero responsibility for my care and I never expect her to assist in any D-related activity.
In fact, I doubt she knows what a1c means and she certainly doesn't know my last result was 6.3; she does not know how to fill my pump or insert a site or even the brand of my pump. She doesn't ask what my BG nor does she know the kind of insulin I use.
The extent of her knowledge and involvement is this: her husband of 25 years has diabetes. Period.
I'd be happy to tell her, but why? I've never had a problem. After all these year D management is not a burden, it's not difficult. It's become as routine as brushing teeth.
So are you guys suggesting its not always the Father taking the primary role?
(ducks and runs away)
Too bad you didn't get low before my pump took your eye out...
Its encouraging to hear how routine its become and that you do quite well managing your diabetes. It annoys me to no end to hear my Dad haranguing my Mom about what she's eating and asking when she last checked her blood sugar. I'm not thrilled with her approach to her D management but its her disease and she's (mostly) an adult who knows what's at stake.
But on a note of concern, your wife really should have a thumbnail sketch of your history with diabetes, especially your terrific control and A1c's that show as much, in case you're ever unable to speak for yourself.
We're still new at this but it never fails that my husband is congratulated for coming along to appointments that we both attend. Never mind that I'm *always* there. I don't get a sticker, a lollipop or anything.
I don't think he's missed very many appointments, either so I don't know what the fuss is. Stereotypes, I guess.
Great discussion. Our story is similar to many here. I am a SAHM, so I end up with much more of the night duties since my DH has a job to answer to in the morning He does help when I am in over my head. While he is good at seeing when I am about to have a meltdown and steps in, he doesn't feel the need to step in when I am NOT having a meltdown or very sleep deprived unless I ask or DD requests.
I'll be honest that I feel slightly entitled to give him advice because it is me that gets up in the night most often if her number is out of range. It is also me that tracks her hormone issues and when she is more insulin sensitive or resistant so I have some inside knowledge that he doesn't have. He doesn't always take my advice and I'm ok with that.
My DH does things differently than me, but most times what he does ends up getting good results. He may do a slow temp basal and I may do a quick aggressive temp basal or vice versa, but in the end we both get her number in range, and that's what matters.
I do sometimes resent our arrangement (I'm working on this). I had planned to return to my career before my daughter's diagnosis. Now all my kids are in school full time, but I don't feel I have the energy/focus/drive to return to my former career at this point. Someday I will figure out the right career path that's compatible with our "new normal"
At least you guys understand. I will always be grateful for the support here.
LOL. Yes, it seems like the Dad's get EXTRA Credit for the exact things that are expected of the moms. What is up with that? It's almost like a different set of standards that we (moms) are held to. No wonder Mommy guilt is so prevalent. No offense meant to any of the males here.
I am so very thankful for my husband. He knows that giving my son shots kills me emotionally. So whenever he is home, he gives the shots. When he's not here, I give them. He also gets up for the 2 am check unless he's on last shift, and then I get up. He can calculate and count carbs and insulin doses. He hasn't read all the books I have, and I don't know if he'd get on here or not. He hasn't been to any of Joel's endo appointments because of work schedules, but I'm ok with that.
But we hold each other up through all of it, and we do what we can for our son, and I guess that is what works for us.
In the hospital they told us we both had to learn everything because the stress it puts on one parent isnt good for the marriage. My husband has always been a very proactive father. Really with our family he has to be. I wouldnt make it without him. From the get go he was very much so into reading everything they gave us in the hospital. I was more show me and I will do it. Since then things are flipped I do all the reading and research and share it with him. I am a sahm even tho I am working part time now at their school so most of her care is mine to deal with. I have made decisions without talking to him first and I know he would never ever do that with out my input. Most of the time tho I talk to him about changes before hand. I make sure he agrees (not that he would be brave enough not to ) and then we make the changes. We take turns on giving her the levemir each night. It works for us. I mean what if something happened to me? He would need to know how to keep her alive and just not him needing to know how but she needs to know he can do this for/with her too. He knows all her ratios and such but so does she. She will go to him as she does me tho to confirm she is correct on her dosing calculations. I know he hates not being here or at work when his kids need him so I cant see not keeping him involved in her care. I do all the night time checks tho during the week and took them on the weekends too when they were needed but since I have been checking her more often he made me let him check her over the weekend. He doesnt wake up easily so I still have to wake up to the alarm to wake him up to do it lol For a long time and I still dont see the point in waking him up to do it if I am already awake other than he wants to take on more so its not all on me 24-7
Not sure what has happened at our house. When my son was DX, dad was there for all training, etc. Gave the first shot....I was not working, he was. I am a more details/numbers person, I am the one figuring things, reading online etc. My daughter was DXd 51 days after my son, and then shortly after that, she was DXd with celiac. Somewhere along the way I ended up doing every shot, it got to the point, where neither child would allow him to give the lantus. Now we are pumping, and he pretty much knows very little about the pump, it scares me. He does work many more hours than I. But we have little to none outside help. It is just me and him and the nurses at school. I was doing most of the night checks. Now he is working evenings and checks after he gets home, but has to wake me with questions. I take care of all appts, picking up prescriptions etc. Bottom line is this whole deal is taking a toll on me... and god forbid if something happens to me. Oh yeah, taking a toll on our marriage as well. We have had 1 dinner out without kids in the last 18 months, and during that dinner my phone probably rang 6-8 times. Love my kids, but wish I had someone to help... there is really no one.
DH is capable of giving a shot and testing BG. If he does anything with the pump, he usually calls. He is just now getting to where he will correct with the pump without calling me. I always ask him to call me with DS's BG anyway just because I want to know what it is.
DS, however, doesn't want his Dad to do much of anything with him - he's on the spectrum (I think both of them are) and they do NOT get along very well together. So for the most part, I do all the care. It works for us, though, since it prevents DS having a meltdown because his Dad is doing something to him.
DH has never inserted a site, changed a cartridge, or anything along those lines. He has checked BG, corrected, and dosed for food (with my instructions)
We've had some changes in my MIL's health status that have made life really hectic and exhausting. DH went out of town on business and after 10 days of our busy household, I need time off the clock. I finally told him: tomorrow night I'm going away. If you don't give her the insulin she needs, she won't have it. Period. I don't have any more parental obligation than he does; he's just had a pass for a long, long while: the gig is up now.
He's observed the injections, he knows our ratios and calculations. Its time to jump in. None of us knew how to do this when we began.
@KHM-Were you able to get a break? Hope DH was able to manage okay and you got to do something you wanted to do.
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