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Advice for teenage daughter facebook

Discussion in 'Parents Off Topic' started by Marcia, Oct 1, 2012.

  1. Marcia

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    I need advice. My daughter started a facebook account under an assumed name, her close friends were active with her account. Last night she was receiving unwanted advice about a relationship with a boy, to shut everyone up she told everyone to leave her alone, stop bothering her, **** off. There was more drama. She didn't go to school this morning because of a sore throat and fever, and 2 of her friends went to the guidance office because they were concerned Ab had hurt herself. I got a call from the school a little bit ago because of concern Ab might be home alone.
    After talking with Ab, I do feel certain that her intent was to stop her friends' unwanted advice, that she was overly dramatic. I am upset about the phony name account and her hiding it from me. This is really unlike her. I told her to friend me to the account, which she did. The content on her facebook page was appropriate with the exception of the relationship problem. I'm not sure what kind of consequences there will be. Do any of you have any experience with this kind of sneaking around?
     
  2. Sandy's mom

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    I'd advise her to deactivate the phony account. Ask what the reason for starting one was. And I'd tell her to be mindful of what she posts on her real fb. Remind her to never type/update or reply to anything you wouldn't want a future employer, teacher -or anyone for that matter- see.
    Good Luck!
     
  3. MamaC

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    Not exactly the same experience, but in similar circumstances (I've been through the sneaky teens with a 24 and a 19) I would deactivate that account, restrict use of social media (and texting) for a period of time, and if at some point you allow her to reconnect, require her to give you her password(s), and monitor activity first hand, including her privacy settings. She can allow you to be her "friend" but restrict what you see. Be aware that many kids have deserted Facebook as "the older generation" has started using it, and have moved over to Twitter and the like. And some of them will keep their Facebook accounts "clean" and use Twitter or other media to interact socially but under parental radar.

    Even if you think your kid wouldn't - she might. I'd be watching like a hawk.

    And don't write off teenage drama...if her friends were concerned enough to go to the school admins, there may be more to it than she's letting on. Better safe than sorry, KWIM?
     
  4. selketine

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    Is she 15 now? I'm just trying to guess her age from your signature. Maybe I'm way off. I have a 14 year old son and he started using FB when he was 13. I think that is technically the age when they can get an account without lying about their age.

    We have him friend us and my husband is very active on FB so I rely on him to keep an eye on his page. I can't tell exactly from your message if you had forbidden her to get an account - but it might work to allow her to have an account but she has to be up front with you about it and allow you access to it (to read all her posts) - whether by "friending" her or looking at her account with a password. I"m hoping that it is better to let him have the account and supervise it while I still can - which might limit some of the "sneaking" around. He really likes his FB account and posts pics there of things he does, things he likes, etc. Most of his friends have FB accounts. He is in 10th grade.

    Kudos to the friends for being concerned and telling an adult.
     
  5. Marcia

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    I'm thankful someone came forward with concerns. I don't want to write this off as teenage drama, but after talking with Ab I don't feel it is a dangerous situation. I'm at a loss as to what to do with the account now. Most of her friends are on FB and I know it is important for her generation. But I'm not happy about the phony name and not telling me.
     
  6. Helenmomofsporty13yearold

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    We walk a fine line between allowing them privacy and independence and doing our job as parents and protecting them. I think we trust them until we become suspicious something is not right.

    I think the boy might be more of a problem than the Facebook account (and may be the reason she is hiding behind another name). The friends may have been giving very good advice to dump a boy that should be dumped.
     
  7. KatieSue

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    Maybe as punishment the fake account is closed. And if she follows the rules for say a month or some other limited time period (a month is a decade in teenage years) she could be allowed to open an account in her own name with the rule that you must be able to have the password and that you will monitor it.

    My kiddo leaves her computer on and her itouch logged in so I just check it every once in a while to see what's what. I don't hide that I do it but I also don't mention that I have unless I see something that needs to be addressed.

    I was the sneakiest teenager ever. Always not where I said I would be and I'd go out the window at night. Not the most brilliant of plans. I'm sure I'd have all kinds of fake accounts if I were 16 again.

    And as someone else suggested I'd monitor other access to social media as well. Twitter, 4Square etc. I found the kiddo on some random chat site that sounded like old school party lines, where you log in and chat with random strangers. We had quite the chat after that one.
     
  8. Flutterby

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    I'd have the fake name account closed asap. Did you not want her to have a fb account at all? is that why she had a fake one? If she was not suppose to have a fb account, I'd keep it that way, if that wasn't the case and she just made a fake name for an account, I'd punish her for the fake one, and at some point (when she meets whatever punishment is given to her) let her have a fb IF you have her password.
     
  9. caspi

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    Yup, just went through this recently with my 17 year old having a Twitter account without my knowledge (I have access to his FB password and I monitor it from time to time). I made him delete the Twitter account and the random cell phone searches are back (I had slacked off for a bit, stupid me. ;)).
     
  10. selketine

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    I think there are as many right answers as there are kids.;)

    If she knew that you didn't want her to have a FB account then going behind your back was the wrong way for her to go about showing you she could handle having one. I guess I'd provide a consequence for that mistake on her part but be open to her future requests so she doesn't feel like the only way is to sneak if something is really important to her.

    I hope she is feeling better!
     
  11. Marcia

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    Thank you for all of your comments. The phony name was to hide the account from me. We have had time to talk about FB, drama, the boy. I have not decided on consequences, but there will be limits placed on her use of her laptop in her room. Due to a very limited cell phone plan she has no ability to text or tweet. I guess that was why she really opened the FBaccount. I really do feel like it is a fine line between independence and the limits I had (or thought I had) in place.
     
  12. MommaKat

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    I can't really add anything new to ideas about how I'd handle this with my son (14, nearly 15). Just wanted to add that in addition to twitter the teen set's really flocked to instagram, tumblr, foursquare, and even pinterest. There was a new one on our local news last week that I hadn't heard of before - mocospace, and appears to be big with sexual predators - that freaked me out, so I had yet another talk with the kids about never signing up for something without my consent and oversight.
     
  13. Marcia

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    Jeez, the only one of these I have heard of is tumblr.
     
  14. valerie k

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    its simple, you close the account. she lied and snuck to get it. todays its facebook, whats it going to be tomorrow if she gets away with this? she needs to build back some trust to you.
     
  15. Ali

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    FWIW
    In our household computers are not allowed in bedrooms. We have one computer that we keep in the kitchen. My teen is not allowed a facebook account for a few reasons, one I do not want her spending the amount of time on it that I think so many kids seem to get sucked into, second it does seem to just be a big source of problems, three I do not think it is important for her and her friends, she can call or text or talk in person. I have access to her phone and email account (she just got the email acct a few months ago). If I think she is on her phone too much we will take the texting option off or cancel the whole thing. I do check her phone and email on occasion. You have gotten lots of good advice. Our way of doing things just deals with some of the nuts and bolts stuff, the emotional stuff is still going to have to be dealt with :eek::eek: and that can be just plain hard work, patience and maybe outside help. Sorry. Ali
     
  16. MomofSweetOne

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    Same here, with the exception that I've discouraged texting in favor of real conversations. My close friend is a school counselor, and the tales she tells of bullying via text are horrible. She said the ability to communicate in person is being lost.
     
  17. sugarmonkey

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    We have a laptop that stays in the lounge. My kids have facebook, but it's closely monitored and limited in time. The laptop is mainly for my university study so they don't get the chance to use it much. They complain about having to use it in the lounge, but I tell them they have a choice, in the lounge, or no computer at all. Their father (we're separated) doesn't monitor his computer and won't listen when I try and tell him the dangers. So I've had a lot of discussions with the kids about being careful and what they shouldn't put on the net.
     
  18. Marcia

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    Just to let you know, the FB account was closed. I appreciate the thoughtful advice given.
     
  19. Lee

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    Marcia - I am late to the post, but I also want to add you are so not alone. I now require my teenagers passwords - and I set myself up to receive emails from FB when someone sends a private message.

    It sucks. Teens suck. Also, beware of some yearbook application that I have been hearing about.
     
  20. Tigerlilly's mom

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    YES!!!! I couldn't have said it better!!! Dealing with diabetes, seems so easy compared to this "other" teenage crap!!!!
     

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