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Would you tell your 4 year old she was going to die?

Discussion in 'Parents of Children with Type 1' started by Kyra's Mom, Jun 13, 2011.

  1. emm142

    emm142 Approved members

    Sep 7, 2008
    Well, what your husband said was clearly not the right thing to say, but it sounds like he said it out of frustration. I sincerely doubt whether he was being deliberately abusive - it sounds more like he accidentally let some of his own fear and frustration slip out. I think that rather than making your husband feel more and more guilty for this one thing that he said when he was feeling emotional, you're better to have a calm discussion about how to handle shots in the future (some of Lisa's suggestions are really good).
  2. Lee

    Lee Approved members

    Oct 5, 2006
    Well, this is what she asked:
    So, Caspi really said nothing wrong here, and she said nothing numerous of haven't said, so I am not sure why you are calling her out?
  3. Kyra's Mom

    Kyra's Mom Approved members

    May 11, 2011
    Thank you everyone for your replies, the reason that I am asking for a ruling is that I want something concrete to show to my DH so he understands that I am not the only person who thinks this is totally inappropriate and that he was being abusive to DD. One thing I should point out is that DH has not ever given DD an insulin injection and will only check BG if I am not at home.

    One thing I do want to add is that DD was sick with a throat virus and was not eating for the last two days. After speaking with her endo we decided to stop her insulin until she was eating again. DD is in a major honeymoon and only is getting 2 units of Lantus at night, last night was her first injection for two days so this was somewhat dramatic as she was hoping to not get one due to illness. DD and I have had many conversations about insulin and I have told her that she has to get the insulin because she will get very sick without it. She is very young and this is all very new to her so she and I are both trying to find our way through this. I will say that I have been impatient at time and frustrated and have not always handled things the best way, but I have not break from DD care except when she is in school and I am at work.
  4. pianoplayer4

    pianoplayer4 Approved members

    Feb 13, 2010
    I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to offend anyone, I just don't think its right to tell a parent that they should go learn how to take care of their kid because they asked a question. maybe the OP is just trying to make sure she's not over reacting.:cwds:
  5. denise3099

    denise3099 Approved members

    Jul 31, 2009
    Be sure not to refrigerate the lantus after opening. Many ppl find that cold lantus stings and room temp may not. It last the same 28-30 days after oepining whether cold or not so you may as well leave it out. When dd was on MDI, I'd opeing a new bottle on the 1st of every month. I'd leave it in a baggy with syringes in her nighstand, and put the used syringe in her little sharps container in her d kit. She would never even consider messing with it (she wouldn't want any more sticks than necessary!) so it was safe.

    Btw, I don't think your dh is a monster or anything, he just let his anger and frustration out. I would NOT show him this thread. It will do you no good for him to know you come here to b!tch and moan about him or to read ppl bad mouthing him. he'll just get mad. Just talk to him. Say, "listen I know you love dd more than life and are totally worried about her and you aren't used to doing her D care so it can get really frustrating, but please don't say stuff to scare her. It won't do any good. She's little and this is hard for her so give the kid a break. If you can't take it then just let me deal with it." This will continue to put the burden on you--not fair, but such is life.
  6. MamaTuTu

    MamaTuTu Approved members

    Apr 1, 2011
    Sorry your DD had to hear that from her father.... Its not OK at all! I do however think that there must be a lot going on inside your husbands mind and he made a mistake. I hope that he never says anything like that to her or anyone ever again.

    I know you are conserned about your daughter (I would be too) but I think right now you should also be conserned about your husband! He must be having a hard time dealing with the Dx. I AM NOT MAKING UP AN EXCUSE FOR HIM but maybe this is something you should be talking about with a family counsler. I bet he knows its wrong but is just to ashamed to admit it... I dont think it would be a good idea for him to know about this post either... You know he was wrong, and like I said before Im sure he does too. I just dont think anyone gets anywhere by rubbing something so crule that was said in the face of anyone (not saying you were just a bit of advise) I wish you all the best. I hope that you can work through this. Remember everyone makes mistakes its a shame it was such a nasty mistake directed towards such a young child... Talking to someone in your area or with your husband yourself when emotions are not so high is your best bet. If you are both willing to work on geting on the same page you will have to forgive and forget. Hang in there <3 your daughter needs you!!!
  7. gerry speirs

    gerry speirs Approved members

    Dec 18, 2010
    Oooo, the husband is taking a bashing, and rightfully so imo but....we all know how frustrating this management can be and I dont know your husband well enough to judge, but you just can't be saying stuff like that to a four year old.
  8. danismom79

    danismom79 Approved members

    Apr 21, 2008
    I would think very carefully before showing him this thread. Is he the kind of person who can take the criticism from a bunch of strangers (to whom you've told very sensitive/highly emotional information), or is it likely to make things worse?
  9. Flutterby

    Flutterby Approved members

    Nov 11, 2006
    4 year olds don't even get the concept of dying.. its not something they can grasp.

    Completely inappropriate for him to tell her that. All its going to do it scare her, not make it easier for her to take insulin.
  10. kimmcannally

    kimmcannally Approved members

    Feb 28, 2010
    In response to the update, next time she gets a virus, I would seriously consider getting sterile water and injecting that. Then she would not view an illness as getting out of shots.

    *Obviously don't let her know you are injecting water, just fill the syringe out of her sight and let her think it's insulin*

    We did our pump start on sterile water, you can get it in little vials similar to insulin.
  11. MamaC

    MamaC Approved members

    Dec 9, 2006
    Thanks for saving me the keystrokes. Totally agree.
  12. hawkeyegirl

    hawkeyegirl Approved members

    Nov 15, 2007
    Yeah, either your husband is a normally sane, rational person who lost his temper (in which case he already knows what he did is wrong), or he's a complete nutter who truly believes it's okay to tell a 4 year old that they have to take their insulin or die (in which case, showing him this thread is not going to change his mind).

    I see no upside to showing him the thread, either way.
  13. DsMom

    DsMom Approved members

    Nov 9, 2010
    NO!!!! I understand his frustration...but in no way is that appropriate. Most four years olds can barely comprehend the notion of death...but that's a terrifying thing to tell anyone. Not to be rude, but I don't think I'd want your hubby as my OR nurse!:( I think he needs some work on his bedside manner and needs to work out some of his feelings about your daughter's dx...sounds like a lot of fear and frustration coming out inappropriately on his part.

    FYI...I'm assuming it is the Lantus you are giving at night? Had the same problem with our son...our CDE told us to always give the Lantus in the butt to avoid the burning. Or are you already doing that.
  14. caspi

    caspi Approved members

    Oct 11, 2006
    As others above have said, I don't think it would be beneficial to show your husband this. I think the bigger question here is why you feel the need to have to do this. Does he not value your opinion? Does he not realize that what he said was wrong?

    I hope your little one is feeling better!:cwds:
  15. Lisa P.

    Lisa P. Approved members

    May 19, 2008
    I think when diabetes comes into the picture the need to work together as a couple instead of trying to "win the point" over the other moves from being preferable to being crucial. No matter how upset you are with his mistake, it's essential that you not turn diabetes care into a contest.

    I find in my house that when my husband is frustrated and upset with the way he and I are relating, he often does not express it directly to me, since I'm a scary witch when I'm mad! :p Sometimes when we aren't working it out with each other, it makes us snappish with the kids and we say things to them we normally would not. It's not right, taking out our frustrations with each other on the kids, but it happens. In those cases, using a defense of my kid as another club to beat my husband with only makes things much worse for everyone.

    Don't tell him a bunch of anonymous folks on a forum think he's a monster. You have better things to do. If he is a monster, you don't need validation -- get your kid to safety. If he's not a monster, providing evidence that some folks think he is will only tear him down. You don't want that. You love him. :cwds: This is such a hard time, the first months after diagnosis. Give yourself time to breath and remember you're on the same side.

    Hope your day goes well.
  16. Becky Stevens mom

    Becky Stevens mom Approved members

    Oct 14, 2008
    Hi Stephanie, I already replied but was thinking about this today. My son was diagnosed when he was 3 and really had no concept of what diabetes was or why on earth would he need to have his little fingers poked and numerous shots each day! All he knew at the time was that he was frightened, his life had changed drastically and that I would often have to cause him fear and sometimes pain. I explained type 1 diabetes in hopefully a way he could understand. I really tried to stay away from the idea that he would get sick without insulin or anything worse of course. I told him the good things that insulin did. I explained that his pancreas did many wonderful jobs but it forgot how to make insulin so we replaced it instead and that when he ate food the good part of the food that gave him energy had to get inside all of his cells of his body but he needed insulin to unlock the door of each cell so the good stuff could get in there. We even made up a little skit with me as the cell, Harry as glucose and Steven as the insulin. We usually ended up laughing hysterically at Steven trying to unlock the door on me so I could have energy:)

    Some things that I did to make shots easier were to: Try to get Steven involved in watching a show or looking at a book while I did the shot. I broke off the needle of a syringe so that he could give his stuffed animals and all of us our "insulin" And most of all, I would get it done quick and then discuss what fun thing we were going to do now. Sometimes the Lantus can sting. Do you keep it at room temp? Are you using your daughters buttocks for shots of Lantus? Room temp and buttocks will often make for less stinging.

    I just wanted to add something to you. My husband can be very opinionated and will often argue with me until I back down even if I know Im right. I know you love your daughter:cwds: and I know that these first few months are very difficult adjusting to the changes in all of your lives. I promise you, it will get easier. But just let your husband know that you are right about this, he must never, ever say anything like that to your daughter again. If he feels that he cant keep those type of comments to himself then he probably should stay out of it while your trying to deal with your daughters anxiety
  17. jules12

    jules12 Approved members

    May 26, 2007
    I would not show my husband a thread where I talked about him and people responded so strongly - he wouldn't appreciate it and it would have made things worse. Someone mentioned you were newly dx so therefore you are dealing with a lot of stress! What your husband said was wrong but only you know how he has been coping with the dx and if this sort of things happens a lot or if it was a one time thing due to stress/frustration. He probably knows it was a stupid thing to say and he might need your help in thinking of how to fix it with your daughter.

    Once you can talk about it calmly without getting angry or raising your voice, explain how a different approach might be better, how it affected your daughter, and most importantly, how that kind of thing can affect his relationship with his daughter.
  18. Lucky 868

    Lucky 868 Approved members

    Apr 13, 2010
    I agree with everyone else who feels what your husband said was 1,000% unacceptable. The long-term damage of that will be a far bigger problem than the momentary issue of your DD fussing about her shot.

    I have one thing to add that hasn't been mentioned. In your OP, your husband defended what he said (We'll let you die then) because he is an OR nurse. In the quote above, you mention that he has not given her injections. I think someone mentioned that your DD was dx last April, so it has been a couple of months. I'm wondering why the professional in the family isn't the one doing the shots? If he isn't participating in the shots, the last thing he should be doing is commenting on how you are handling it with her.

    I also agree that showing your husband this thread may do more harm than good. Of course, that's a judgement call only you can make, but please think it through before showing this to him. Once he sees it, you can't undo it.

    Hopefully, his outburst was a once-in-a-lifetime bad moment and completely uncharacteristic of him. For you and your DD's sake, I hope that is the case. However, if you feel you need backup (this thread's responses) to discuss the inappropriateness of his comments with him then I think you may need help dealing with communication and counseling might help.

    All the best to you and your DD. Gotta be tough dealing with this disease in such a young child (mine was dx at 16, so I never had to go through what you're dealing with).

    Mom to N, 17
  19. dejahthoris

    dejahthoris Approved members

    Jan 28, 2011
    It is horribly cruel and I would never let someone speak to a child like that.
  20. Marcia

    Marcia Approved members

    Feb 22, 2007
    Of course it is wrong to tell your child she will die. Your husband knows this. Your little one probably doesn't want her injection because lantus burns.
    To help minimize the discomfort-
    use at room temperature, put a cold pack on the tush or leg site for a few minutes before injecting, have a favorite toy or sing a song to distract. If the discomfort continues, your endo can switch to levemir.

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