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What would you say?

Discussion in 'Parents of Children with Type 1' started by helpmefred, Jul 16, 2013.

  1. helpmefred

    helpmefred New Member

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    As a dad, it breaks my heart to hear some of the stories that were shared during the Dads Discussion Group at FFL last week ... Some of the dads need to step up ... I don't feel that this is a diabetes issue, I think that diabetes just puts a spotlight on the issue ... Dads (who are doing their share), what would you say to these other dads? Moms, what do you say or wish you could say? If you want to remain anonymous, just email me and I'll post your thoughts as Mom 1, Mom 2, etc. (I also posted this on the FFL FB group)
     
  2. Lakeman

    Lakeman Approved members

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    I am a Dad and I do 98% of the diabetes care at my house. This is the balance we struck and it works for us except that we find it is not possible to be involved only 2% of the time and understand what is going on. On those occasions when my wife takes care of things all by herself she is not aware of recent changes and is not completely up to speed.

    Should Dads who are less involved do more? Should the less involved partner do more regardless of who it is? IMO, as long as the couple talks it through and are in agreement then whatever is decided is good for them. Perhaps this thread is for those couples in which couples have not first had that talk. In which case the first thing I would say to a Dad in that situation is to go to your wife and asks if you are being supportive enough in whatever way you can.
     
  3. Christopher

    Christopher Approved members

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    Welcome to the forum.

    Since I was not at the FFL and you did not specify what the other Dad's said, it is hard to comment on it. I can assume you are talking about Father's who do not help manage their child's diabetes.

    To me, if a Father understands how serious diabetes is and still does not help to manage it, there is nothing you or I or anyone else can say to make them change. They are negligent, selfish and immature.

    It is kind of like a pre-game locker room speech at the Super Bowl. If the coach needs to try and get the players psyched up to play in that game, there is something seriously wrong.

    Just curious, what do you hope to accomplish with the feedback you get here? What is your relationship to diabetes?
     
  4. missmakaliasmomma

    missmakaliasmomma Approved members

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    If both parents are fine with how they are managing the child's diabetes, I don't see a problem. In some situations, it just can't be 50/50. I stay home and my husband works nights, it's hard to find a time to talk period. By default, I take on 99% of her care, but I definitely don't mind. I'm kind of a control freak about it anyway :) There was a short period in which I was working and he stayed home and he obviously did most of the tasks then since I was at work. When we both worked, we did opposite shifts, then tasks we're about 50/50. It just all depends on the situation and no 2 situations are alike, nor are any 2 parents alike.

    Of course, if one person is extremely unhappy because they are doing everything and/or the other person doesn't seem to care, then that's a problem.


    There was a very similar thread on here that I believe was started maybe a month or 2 ago. You might get more feedback if you look for that thread, I wouldn't know where to begin trying to look for it though.
     
  5. nanhsot

    nanhsot Approved members

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    Ditto this. If the work split is satisfactory for both parents and works for the kid, then I don't think it's anyone's business but their own.

    If the person with the burden is resentful or overwhelmed, then of course the work split needs to be looked at.

    My husband and I have always had a fairly traditional/old fashioned relationship wrt work and home, though I do work part time now I have always carried the burden of the home tasks while he carries the burden of the financial tasks. It's what we want, and are content with. My son has for the most part taken care of his own D management but when/if he needs help I'm the one who assists, my husband only knows the basics. When I need him to he will get up at night to test, but quite frankly my son prefers I do it (I'm unobtrusive and get it done quickly, my spouse, not so much!).

    What exactly was shared that concerned you? It's a little odd quite frankly to reference something that most of us are clueless about and then ask for input. What exactly are you talking about anyway?:confused:

    Bottom line opinion: It varies by family and there is no right or wrong, unless something isn't working. IMO a dad who takes the time to go to FFL to support his family is doing something right and clearly has his family's best interests at heart.
     
    Last edited: Jul 16, 2013
  6. DavidN

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    Waiting for this ^^^^
     
  7. Traci

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    Hi, Fred! Good to "see" you out here!

    I don't have an answer for your question. I do 95% of the d care in our house. Of course, my husband does our taxes, so it balances out. ;). Actually, I know that my husband would, without a doubt, step in if I needed him to do so. I just don't feel burdened by the d care...our system works for us. Sorry I couldn't be of more assistance.
     
  8. Christopher

    Christopher Approved members

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    I wouldn't hold your breath.....
     
  9. Brenda

    Brenda Junior Member

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    As far as I know, he's just a dad whose daughter has diabetes. See www.helpmefred.com
     
  10. Traci

    Traci Approved members

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    I can't see the tumblr, but I can confirm that he is a concerned dad with a daughter with type 1. I've met him and had dinner with his lovely family.
     
  11. Mish

    Mish Approved members

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    I think any time you have have one parent who checks out of the equation that's a bad situation. I've seen fathers who deliberately do nothing and that's just pathetic, but more likely, I see mothers who spend a good deal of time treating their husbands like children, not even in relation to diabetes, just in general. They assume that no one could care for their child as well as they and that their husbands are idiots who can't do anything right and any time dad steps up to try something mom shoots them down. Now, in my world a real man would just step up and do it anyway and learn

    So it's not just a guy thing. And it's not just a woman thing. It's dysfunctional parenting.
     
  12. mmc51264

    mmc51264 Approved members

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    i am really lucky. My husband started researching diabetes the minute Zach was dx. He probably does more than I do, and I am a nurse. For him, I think it is a control thing. He wants to know as much as he can. He certainly knows more about programming the pump!!
     
  13. mamattorney

    mamattorney Approved members

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    I think its easy to have one parent in charge of diabetes and if that happens, I would say to the secondary parent, even though the primary parent handles the majority of diabetes care, it's important to know how to do everything and it's important to keep yourself up to date on everything. I would also say - volunteer to take over the care for a week or a full day just to give the primary parent a break if he or she needs it.

    Right now, I am the primary parent and I'm OK with that, especially because my daughter knows everything, too, and actually takes care of a lot of the physical tasks. But I try to keep my husband advised of I:C ratio changes, Lantus changes and things like that. However, if I fell into a coma tonight, there would be a lot of head scratching when it came to re-ordering supplies and minor things like that because I just take care of it and don't involve anyone else.

    It reminds me of when one spouse does all the banking and the other one just gives a blank look when you ask them where their family's money is (this is something that's common in my job); that should never be the case!
     

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