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The freak out queen is dwelling...

Discussion in 'Parents of Children with Type 1' started by mrsfatkat, Dec 16, 2011.

  1. mrsfatkat

    mrsfatkat Approved members

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    I should really change my screen name to "freak out queen"!! As some of you might remember I have been having a hard time getting my husband to see where I am coming from and how all this is affecting me. And I feel like he is just going day to day not giving it a second thought. (which I know is not true but that's how he makes it seem to me) Last night I decided there has been enough silence between the 2 of us and I initiated a conversation about everything that is going on....Well, in so many words he explains to me that I am dwelling on the negative and the fact that my daughter has D. I asked him about how it is affecting him and how he's dealing with it and he tells me that there's nothing to deal with, that I should accept this and move on. I can see how it is easier for him to do so because he is gone all day and doesn't get home till I'm already well into making the kids plates for dinner and have already done maddie's sugars and insulin. How can he just be so nonchalant about this? Is it because he's not the one who is counting carbs all day and administering doses of insulin or telling a very hungry 5 year old she ca't have this because she's already had insulin or her sugar's too high and has to have something else intead? And I hate to think it but is it because Maddie isn't his biological daughter? I am about at a loss with all of it, and I know this is a very dark time for me and that doesn't help matters but I know that this won't last forever and we will be okay. But for the time being I am so tired of being tired, lonely, and stressed and feeling like I am the only in the boat with only 1 stinking pattle!!
     
  2. obtainedmist

    obtainedmist Approved members

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    I'm so sorry you are dealing with this in addition to the adjustment with D. I would strongly encourage you to either both (if he'll go) or just you see a therapist who works with families dealing with chronic illnesses. Your endo should have some good resources for you to contact if they don't have a psychologist/social worker on their staff already. My husband saw a therapist a few times because of his worrying about complications, etc. and it helped him so much!

    If your husband won't go with you, you might just have to accept the fact that this is the way it's going to be, and begin getting the support you need from other places. This was really good advice I received when I had a miscarriage and my husband just wasn't there for me emotionally at the time. I spent less time feeling resentment about his lack of understanding and more time finding ways to heal myself. I accepted the fact that his emotional make-up (at the time) just was monitoring a different radar screen.

    Take good care of yourself!
     
    Last edited: Dec 16, 2011
  3. Butterfly Betty

    Butterfly Betty Approved members

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    I think this is more typical than you realize. Sometimes it's us moms who worry and fret over every little issue, and sometimes, it's the dads. I can't speak for your husband, but I know for mine, it's him knowing that I have it in control, for the lack of a better word.

    Do I have her diabetes under control? Heck no! But to him, because he doesn't see every number, or the amount of insulin she gets when she eats, he lives with blinders on. Really, until he and I were recording numberd off her meter for her last endo appt, he said he never realize how many high numbers she had. This was before she started the pump. It took a lot for me not to make a snarky comment about how I've told him every single number and how if he was more involved he'd know, but I didn't because all it would have done was start an arguement.

    Right after she was diagnosed, he made some nonchalant comment to me about how she just had diabetes. It hit me that he really didn't understand that diabetes isn't just some disease where you take medicine and you're all better. I can try to educate him all I want, but he's goint to take it as me preaching at him. So, instead, I try to teach my kids to know what to look for when it comes to their sister, and for Sophie to be aware of what her body tells her.
     
  4. Sassy

    Sassy Approved members

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    I'm so sorry you're having to deal with that. I'm sure it's very frustrating.

    For my situation, I think it's just a guy thing, honestly. I know some dads are very involved, while others really rely on the moms to take charge. The other day at our endo appointment, myself and Christopher's step mom had our tote bags filled with stuff for the appointment (paperwork, notepads, pens, his D kit, books, snacks, etc.) and the guys just showed up with their cell phones. Lawd...they need their phones! :) It was hysterical honestly. We girls just looked at them, then at each other and just shook our heads. Those guys would have been lost without us.
     
  5. quiltinmom

    quiltinmom Approved members

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    ((((hugs)))) I have my own "freak out suppression system" that overloads every now and then. I think yours must be overloading. It happens to all of us!

    What's her A1C? When I start to get bogged down by high numbers, I think of his A1C. It's still pretty good, which I am glad for. I try to focus on that instead of the 350 he had the other day. KWIM?

    Guys deal with things differently. Some of his "carelessness" has to do with the fact that he's not faced with caring for her by himself. But it's also a "guy thing." At our house, I'm the worrier. DH doesn't get so emotional about things. At first I liked to send the boys out with dad for a day, partly so I could have a break, partly so DH could realize what was involved in D care. It was a little scary at first, but now I trust DH completely (he's even taken him camping) to do everything necessary. He doesn't always do things the way I would do it, but he doesn't do the wrong things. Do you trust him to help with D, or are you taking all the responsibility because you don't trust him to make the right decisions? It is a tendency (instinct?) for most moms to want to take over all the child responsibilities because "dad doesn't do it right." You might want to think about that, and start trusting him a little more. He can't/won't help with D care if he feels you don't trust his judgment.

    One trick I learned is to stop going to DH with my emotional concerns about D. I come here instead. :) Here there are other moms who worry the same way I do. They can help me realize I am not alone, and that everything will be okay.

    I don't know how long ago your DD's DX was, but for me, 2 years later, I am a lot less emotionally troubled by D than I was before. There is an amount of accepting that you have to do. It's never going to change, she'll always have it, there will be ups and downs, but do the best you can and forgive yourself of the rest. Sometimes, good enough has to be good enough. What helped for me is to come up with a few positives of D. Strange suggestion, I know...but you will be surprised by what happens if you do.

    It will not always be this hard and emotionally exhausting. There will come a day when she tests her own blood, starts counting carbs, etc. Pumping may also enter the picture, which for me, has been wonderful. DS, at age 9, can nearly take care of his own D (with my reminding and oversight, of course). He tests on his own, still needs help counting (I think he could do it on his own, but he wants me to do it, which I'm happy to do), and does all the pump button pushing. I don't leave it all to him, I still have to remind him to test EVERY day, and I still keep tabs on his numbers, I am in charge of all tweaking, etc. but he's able to take on a lot of responsibility for a kid his age, which has greatly reduced the burden I feel from D. It will still be a few years before your DD is at that point, but the day will come.

    Good luck! Hope you feel better soon. I wish I could just bring her to my house and give you a break for a day!
     
  6. Connor's Mom

    Connor's Mom Approved members

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    My husband is working out of the country right now and he is always quick to tell me that I stress over this too much. He doesn't think I need to test him twice a night, even though I have caught more lows than I care to think about. He thinks I put too much thought into D than it deserves. He has given very few shots and has NEVER changed a site for the pump. If your husband doesn't feel like he can be involved in this aspect of your or your daughter's life, you need to find some support. It is hard. It took me two years to find this outlet. I was so strick with my son's diet that one day he ate a whole package of cookies! Sometimes you have to let them eat what they want even if they are running high. Our Endo actually told me to take him for a blizzard on our way home from an appointment once! I thought I was going to have a heart attack. She saw my fear and said it'll be ok. I said but, I know he's high right now. She said then dose him for it and let him eat the blizzard. On the way home I almost drove past Dairy Queen with out stopping. He never said a word. He just looked down and cried. I pulled in, ordered the blizzard, we tested, things got blurry for a minute (he was over 200) I drew out the shot, said a prayer and gave the shot. The whole way home he was so happy. Our next visit 4 months later our Endo remembered her order and asked him how the blizzard was. He said it was the best he had ever had. I know it is hard but, you have to just give the food and corrective doses and let them be happy. Let them be little and feel "normal" because it is never normal. Those few moments when they get to have everything they want to eat makes them feel like super heros, or so my son tells me;). Keep moving forward and try not to look back too often. Life moves forward, let it take you with it!
     
  7. Sarah Maddie's Mom

    Sarah Maddie's Mom Approved members

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    Husbands are complicated. Most don't "get it" the way moms do. But, on the flip side, if you describe yourself as the "freak out" queen then imagine what life would be like for your child if she had both the king and the queen of "freak out" :rolleyes: Your husband needs to step up and maybe you need to calm down. I know that's not easy to hear, but your child will have this disease for life, she needs to see that life is going to be ok and that not everything need be "freaked out" about.
     

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