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Stressed about teen drinking alcohol - any suggestions?

Discussion in 'Parents of Teens' started by kelzer, Jun 11, 2011.

  1. Christopher

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    You seem to be a very mature 18 year old and you know I value your contributions on this site and you know I am especially impressed with how you handle your diabetes. But from a parents perspective, you can't (shouldn't) say to your child, "it is OK to break this one law, but not another law". Consistency is very important as a parent. In the OP's case, it is illegal for her son to consume alcohol. So his doing so has serious ramifications, not only for his body but in terms of his juvenile record as well. This is a very complicated issue and it is not simply black and white. And it is also not just about underage drinking. It is about the Law, it is about drinking and driving, etc. All those things come into play here.

    As you know, most teens don't sit around and drink one beer and play board games.
     
    Last edited: Jun 17, 2011
  2. Pauji5

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    then yes, I agree with you and shouldn't have put you in that catagory!
     
  3. wilf

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    Maybe being a "brick wall" parent who never gives an inch is working for you so far, maybe it will continue to do so.

    With some teens it won't work at all. It would not have worked with me - I was too strong willed and independent (I was working two part-time jobs and could support myself at age 16)..

    As a parent you are then faced with a choice - do you throw them out of your house, do you forcibly incarcerate them in an institution like Christopher suggests, or do you keep the lines of communication open and negotiate the best possible compromise?
     
  4. Christopher

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    (I really have no interest in engaging in any more "discussion" with you, but I do want to clarify this point, so please do not feel the need to respond. The clarification is more for the other participants in this thread)


    Just to clarify, I would first try other means of changing their behavior (talking with them, taking away privileges, restricting their freedom, etc) before moving to the more drastic approach of placing them in an In-Patient theraputic setting where they would get intensive therapy and treatment to help them work through their issues.

    What I have seen first-hand is that those children who do actually need and recieve proper, intensive therapy, usually come out much better adjusted, better able to handle the challenges of being a teenager, and are a more functional member of their family and society.

    Carry on.
     
    Last edited: Jun 17, 2011
  5. Becky Stevens mom

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    I agree with you there Wilf. I think that cars should be equipped with some type of device that doesnt allow them to start if you blow into a tube and your alchohol level is too high. Especially for those under the age of 21 or for anyone convicted of drinking and driving.

    When I was in 10th grade my best friend at the time was killed by a drunk driver:( Her and her Father ( a minister) were on there way home from a church group. They were hit head on and both died in the crash:(
     
  6. Lee

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    I am still shocked. The war on drugs really doesn't focus all of it's energy on pot...some, yes; but to say that the War on Drugs needs to end because most druggies are pot smokers and that is ok is probably the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen you type...
     
  7. wilf

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    I don't think you're understanding me.

    As long as the War on Drugs involves criminalizing the use of marijuana, it is doomed to failure. There is a huge waste of badly needed resources (police time, court time, prison space) not to mention the appalling human cost of criminalizing a significant segment of the population who are doing little if any harm.

    I have no problem with harshly targeting users and especially pushers of harder drugs which can cause real harm. That is where efforts should be focussed.

    But to criminalize and target marijuana users is absurd and doomed to failure..
     
  8. Lisa P.

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    Marijuana use has been de facto decriminalized in Colorado, largely because of the best intentions of middle class professionals who think of pot smoking as something you do a few times in college and leave behind, what's the big deal . . .

    The state has not, I'll grant you, exploded or been sucked into a black hole from the move.

    But it has certainly not been a move without consequences. The poorest communities are the ones who have had to bear them, as usual. Now the neighborhoods that have a hard time attracting affordable banking and groceries are full of liquor stores, lottery and payday loan outlets, pawn shops, and pot dispensaries. My in-laws' neighborhood has one grocery, no banks, and about seven dispensaries within walking distance.

    Sure, people have free will and make their own choices, poor people in no way excepted. But when you set up a society that makes it nearly impossible for my impoverished, hard-working neighbor to get a loan to buy the pizza stand he's been running, but makes it very easy for him to trade his food stamps credit for cash to buy pot with, you're not enhancing freedom, you're just pushing people into a despairing world view it's very difficult to escape from.

    I guess I'd suggest that a theoretical decriminalization rarely works out in the real world the way its supporters expostulate that it will.
     
  9. Marcia

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    I am so glad that you and your son are working this out. You were very brave to bring this topic to a public forum and there have been so many thought provoking comments.
     
  10. caspi

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    The bottom line in all of this......... a 16 year old drinking is against the law. It is illegal. Whether or not you agree that this should be the case, it IS the case for now. Laws need to be respected.
     
  11. wilf

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    Yeah yeah - but this is YOUR bottom line, now.. What was YOUR bottom line as a teen?!

    I have to say that it is my perception that there is a lot of hypocrisy around this issue on the part of a good number of the people posting in this thread.
     
  12. Ellen

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    I am not judging or telling anyone how to parent.

    For me the more important issue is that it may cause permanent neurological brain damage. I've seen kids whose very loving parents were IMO quite permissive with respect to drinking as long as the teens did it at home and didn't drink and drive. The same teens have gone on to drink more and more as they get older, and I'm worried about how much alcohol they consume as young adults and the same truly loving parents seem to not think much of it (as I worry about the livers and brains) and some are struggling to get through college. They have grown to become really nice young adults, with good hearts, who are kind, caring, hard working, good friends to their friends, etc. but they definitely have a very strong alcohol problem, if not diagnostic for alcohol dependence already, and I believe they drink everyday now. This is a very small sample, and should not necessarily be generalized across all populations. Just something to consider.

    http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21575014 Binge Drinking and Declarative Memory in University Students. "Binge drinking is associated with poorer verbal declarative memory, regardless of sex. The findings are consistent with the vulnerability of the adolescent hippocampus to the neurotoxic effects of alcohol. Longitudinal studies will help determine the nature of this relationship, the neurodevelopmental trajectories for each sex, and the repercussions on academic performance.

    http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21657944 Molecular and behavioral aspects of the actions of alcohol on the adult and developing brain.
    Recent findings also indicate that adolescence is a stage of brain maturation and that heavy drinking at this stage can have a negative impact on brain structure and functions causing important short- and long-term cognitive and behavioral consequences

    Teen Drinking May Cause Irreversible Brain Damage http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=122765890
     
  13. caspi

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    Again, I'm not following your logic here. :confused:

    Just because I did something when I was a teen doesn't mean it is okay for my sons to do so now. Call that hypocrisy if you will.....
     
  14. hawkeyegirl

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    So you'd be fine with your child engaging in every behavior that you've ever engaged in during your life? It's ludicrous to suggest that I should have to mold my parenting philosophy to conform with my behavior as a 16 year old or risk being labeled a hypocrite. It's BECAUSE I engaged in some incredibly dangerous and risky behavior as a teen that I do not want my kids to do the same.
     
  15. Lisa P.

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    Engaging in a behavior while telling someone else that is presently and in all substantial ways in the same situation as you not to engage in it means you are hypocritical.

    Telling someone else not to engage in past behavior you regret means you are capable of learning.
     
  16. wilf

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    Ok, fair enough. It was not quite the right word, and I'm not sure there is a word that describes fits when a person says "Do as I say, not as I did." I should note that I salute the learning that people have done.
     
  17. Lee

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    But our ultimate job as parents, at least psychologically, is to do a better job then our parents did with us. That means we made mistakes and we grew from them...

    No, I do not want to give my children the freedom to do the things that I have done. It is my job to see my past dangerous behaviors and steer my children on a better course and empower them to make clearer and more mature decisions.

    It would be irresponsible of me to give my children the freedom and inattention that my parents gave me as a teen.
     
  18. MamaBear

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    Whatever that word is, I guess I fit that category, and I am totally ok with that. I do go into some explanation of why's with my kids, so that they will understand my feelings on certain matters. "this is what I did, this is why I was too young to do it, this is what happened to me as a result, this is why I regret it.." and they listen and I hope they'll make better choices. I don't tell them everything, but I do feel it is important to share some experiences. For the rest, I am perfectly ok with saying "because I said so". I am their Mother, NOT one of their friends.

    Agreed!
     
  19. swellman

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    Whatever the word is you can't count me as one as well because I am sure as **** do not want my son to do what I did. I don't even feel one morsel of remorse for that position.
     
  20. Becky Stevens mom

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    Do as I say, not as I do. Or did in this case;) I wont get into the particulars but my husband and I were growing up in the 70s and yes, I suppose it was a different time. But that doesnt make our behavior ok or acceptable. We got away with what we could get away with. I wish I knew then what I know now. I would have behaved in a completely different way. I dont want my kids to drink and do drugs just to be part of the crowd or cause they think it will make them popular. I want them to have better self esteem then I did:(
     

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