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spouse/partner in denial?

Discussion in 'Parents of Children with Type 1' started by shekov, Mar 3, 2008.

  1. shekov

    shekov Approved members

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    I can't be sure that's what is going on here but he doesn't seem to be taking this seriously enough. Our daughter was diagnosed 2 weeks ago so we'are both new to this. (My dad and brother are type 1 so I was more prepared for this I think.) I work a very part time job when my husband is home with the kids. This weekend he didn't bother to check our daughter's blood sugar after breakfast or give her a carb snack so that by the time he tested her before lunch she was 64!!! Yesterday when I left to take the other 2 kids to a movie I reminded him to test her in a 1/2 hour and he said "I just tested her at noon". When I explained (very calmly and rationally) that she needs to be tested before and 2 hours after a meal to track highs and lows and patterns...he seemed put out. I don't know what to do. I have asked him to read more info from endo...he said he read it...I have asked him if he understands why we need to do the stuff we are doing ...he says he does. I need to be able to leave my daughter with her father without worrying constantly. HELP!
     
  2. Sarah Maddie's Mom

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    Sorry to report that this is not uncommon. All I can suggest it that you steer your husband here, get support for yourself here and be patient. We all cope with crisis differently, and a dx of D is, in the beginning, a crisis for most. Do not nag, do not let your kid see you being disapointed with your husbands reaction, or lack thereof. Just keep him in the loop, make sure he understands what you are doing and why. I speak from experience. Wish I had not reacted to myown DH's withdrawl and sadness by taking over and letting him off the hook, or depending on my mood, excluding him from my thinking. :(
    It simply may take him longer to come to terms with your daughter's D. Hang in there.
     
  3. shirley83006

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    i had the same problem. and you know my husband is learning. his thing was ever since the doctor told us you dont want diabetes run your life. he always told me to relax. but he never read up on anything. still to this day he does not look up the carbs. he thinks he can guess. alot of the time he does not give her enough. and i always tell him to look it up i have a pile of books in the kitchen with carb info. he always said i am letting it run my life. he hardly helped with the injections. because it gets to him if it hurts her. well it gets to me too. and you know we need to find everything we can to help our child learn to manage it on their own so that we can be assured they will be ok. i hear their are husbands that do help a great deal and are fantastic. we are not as fortunate. it is something that they are just not able to handle the fact that they baby is sick. and they can not solve the problem and make it better. but he will eventually come out of it. just hang in there!!! :)
     
  4. abacobaby

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    Hi, my Dh and I are new to all of this as well. I've noticed that since I am the primary "D" responsible one, giving all of the shots and checking her BG levels all the time, my husband seems to have taken the easy path, fully relying on me and therefore not keeping up to being educated about all there is to know about "D".

    Maybe you should just sit down with your Dh one night and have a quiet talk about "D" and how it has changed your lives etc...not so much of a 'talk' to him, but more like just a chat, where you subtly get your point across, if you know what I mean;)

    Hope that helps and good luck!
     
  5. owensmom

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    It's still so new for both of you, it may just take him a little longer to adjust. In the beginning my husband had a lot of "your the one that's home all of the time - so you do it" attitude. (I think a lot of it was heartbreak.) My suggestion is to make sure that he is involved while you are at home (bounce your ideas off of him and ask him what he thinks you should do) and when you are not leave lots of lists with agreed upon procedures and advice. Whenever possible stay in phone contact.

    I'm glad to say that we are team - we share equal responsiblilty for our children and that includes diabetes management. Now - if only I could get the same cooperation when it comes to household responsiblities.
     
  6. shekov

    shekov Approved members

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    Thanks for the advice. So far I have refused to take over completely which is my tendency in any situation! I've seen where that can lead with my sister in law being the sole D caregiver for my niece though my brother is type 1 himself! I have been trying to ask my husband to check my carb counts and insulin doses to get him involved while we're both home. I also ask him to check her BG or give shots if I'm busy with something else. I really hope he comes around because I don't want him to feel he can't do it and I don't want to nag. And for the record, D does totally change your life whether you like it or not. I grew up with a D dad and brother. They lead "normal" lives but the D is always there. Who else goes everywhere with candy in their pockets and a test kit!!
     
  7. MelissaC

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    I just had to reply to this if only to give you some hope;)... When DD was diagnosed last February my hubby was exactly the same - he used to get so mad at me for checking her all the time - given a lot of time and some really ugly conversations (sometimes you have to get those big guns out!) he finally is on board. I truly beleive he was in such a grieving process that he turned his anger towards me and just did not know how to cope with all of the anger and heart ache - He finally changed when he broke down at a speaking enagagement in front of his co-workers about diabetes and the JDRF... he cired like a baby for 5 minutes while everyone just looked on :(.... hard for him to do but that was what he needed, like he faced that demon and then was able to move on.

    He has since become phenomenal at her care - It just took hime some more time to come to grips witht he harsh reality of this disease. He is now the best and works hard to help me and our family and I am so proud of him - give your hubby lots of love and yes be prepared to leay it on the line and very soon he will get where he needs to be...

    godd Luck and lots of positive thoughts for ya;ll!
     
  8. saxmaniac

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    People do go in denial, and it can be a phase, but it could easily turn into having one parent doing everything.

    One thing that motivated me to participate in the care was our social worker. Right at dx, she said that the more involved the father is, the more success the child will have. I'm sure she really meant "both parents" here, and was just simplifying for my male-addled brain.

    There are a few things. Is he going to the endo appointments? If he's not, bring him along. If he is, but just sitting in the background playing with the cell phone, then having him take the kid there without you.

    It's not just about the kid. It's about supporting you. Your child has the burden of D, but not the management of it which is pretty taxing. Nobody can escape D itself, but everyone needs a break from D management. If you don't have anyone to fall back on to handle the care, you are not getting a break.

    Maybe you already know this but don't use any subtle cues, like sighing, using annoyed tone of voice. For us men, you have to be direct to the point of rudeness... state exactly what it is you want us to do: "I need you to help me by doing X."
     
  9. kodasmom

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    My DH can actually get on my nerves sometimes too. One comment that he will say over and over again to someone that says "Oh, we are sorry to hear about your son's D", he replies with "It's no big deal". I want to say what do you mean No Big Deal?? Are you crazy? This poor kid has had a life changing case hit him square in the nose, and it's NO BIG DEAL???
     
  10. Heather(CA)

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    I feel your pain...I posted a thread last night about re-testing after a correction...I KNOW you should re-test...The only reason I posted it was because my ex was giving me grief about having to re-test Seth last night...He said "But if he goes low, he will just wake up, he always does" No, he doesn't:rolleyes: I emailed him the thread so he could see that I wasn't making him do something that wasn't neccessary.

    Hopefuly your hubby will come around...:cwds:
     
  11. Caynuns mom

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    Caynuns been D for almost 2 yrs now and my Husband is just starting to come around! He'll never be as good as I am IMHO but he is starting to help and understand. I wasnt going to fight with my husband over it. I thought the worst case scenario of fighting about it would end in Divorce and then where would I be? Taking care of my sons D by myself anyways. So I opted to take it on myself ( I could because I'm A stay at home Mom) and when he finally came to terms with it he finally stepped up to the plate. He was very angry at our God for giving this monster to such a young child, he thought he had done something Awful in his life and his higher power was punishing our son for it.

    Our Endo told me that Dads seem to take this a whole lot harder than the Moms. It is our instinct as mothers to care for and protect our children whereas Dads have to learn it its not so much instinct for them.

    Somethings take time and sometimes its all about patience.
     

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