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So frustrating...my dad took my 10 year old

Discussion in 'Parents of Children with Type 1' started by Carseatmama, Feb 1, 2010.

  1. Carseatmama

    Carseatmama Approved members

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    newly dx on Jan 21, to the mall yesterday. I was very aprihensive(cant spell) about that, but I let her go. Right now she is only on Lantus at night so my dad would not of had to drown out insulin...unless she was really high...which hasn't happened yet. Anyway, I happen to be at the mall with my oldest and my bf. I get a call from Allison and she said she is 54:eek: I asked her where she was in the mall, I couldn't get a straight answer out of her. All I knew is she was in a restroom with a low bs. Of course I start to panic. I finaly got out of her about where she was (next to the food court), I told her to go sit at one of the tables eat a fruit snack and have grandpa get you a pop. I headed right over there and she was sitting down with a pop. I checked her bs and it had not moved at all. I asked what kind of pop she had, my dad says "DIET":eek: So I give him a look of death and tell him she needs regular when she is low. He just dosen't get it. He says to me "well I've asked you questions and you get frustrated with me" that's because he asks me the SAME questions over and over again. I told him he has had over a year to learn about type one. He can look it up on one of the 5 computers he has or he can buy a book:mad: Am I wrong to be so mad? My bf said I get too worked up, but it's not his children's lives at stake. Well my dad was about to buy a Diabetes for dummies book, I stopped him and told him that he needed a book on Type 1. So he went to another book store right away and bought Type 1 for dummies. This really sucks, Kadie this last year has been left out of fun days with grandparents and now Allison is going to miss out. My dad takes her and my oldest to Six Flags several times every summer, she is already stressing about not being able to go. I also go with but not everytime. I HATE THIS DIABETES CRAP !

    Thanks for reading !!
     
  2. Charliesmom

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    That would be frustrating. I am sorry you are having this added stress. I feel bad for the children being left out. I personally wouldn't let any of them go with gparents unless they could all safely go.
     
  3. Sarah Maddie's Mom

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    That must have been a very frightening phone call. :(

    Next time, why not give both DD and her adult chaperone tabs and a juice box so that no matter where they are they can treat a low. And that way the adult won't have to make any "decisions", they can just give the emergency low stuff which you've pre-selected.

    Hope your Dad gets with the program soon.:cwds:
     
  4. Carseatmama

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    She does normally have a juice box in her bag but her dad doesn't keep her bag supplied with what she needs. It seems like I have to deal with everything.
     
  5. joy orz

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    Bleck. So sorry that happened. One thing that has worked well for us is to plan time together, but leave diabetes care to the Grandparents while we are in the house.

    Meaning, we'll have a day where we go to the Grandparents and leave them in charge of Ava, while we watch and double check what they are doing. The first couple of times we did this, they made tons of mistakes, but we were right there to explain what to do. Then we'd leave for an hour or so and have them do scheduled bg checks while we were gone and call us with the number.

    Recently, a friend offered to learn how to take care of Ava. The day we were all available, she had a pump problem and was at 400 when we got to their house. Sounds crazy, but it was a perfect way to show her all the worst case scenario things. So we talked her through doing a correction, and watching and checking for the drop. Then she had a low from the correction, so my friend had to get out the juice box and gummies to bring her up. All this happened while we were there in the house with them, but I never touched the meter or did any of the "action steps" I just kept asking "Ok, what do you think you should do next?"

    Do this a couple of times, then do something simple like go for a walk around the block, or take a book into the backyard. Baby steps.
     
  6. Ellen

    Ellen Senior Member

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    I respectfully recommend you rethink your approach to teaching your dad about type 1 diabetes. You may want to start with an apology and say that you are sorry for becoming frustrated with him in the past and would like to start fresh. I would also thank him for his willingness to be there for your daughter. It sounds like he's willing to learn and needs reassurance and hand holding. Learning how to teach in a gentle manner and allowing for discussion when things feel confusing to the student, are important. I would ask him what he thinks would be most helpful to have diabetes feel clear with less confusion. Involve him in the goal of learning and find out how he learns best. There may be videos (if he's a visual learner), or a reference card to carry, etc.....Your daughter may also be able to explain things in simpler terms.

    Also, some deliberate, mindful, slow deep breathing exercises can relax you in record time.
     
  7. Toni

    Toni Banned

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    Your DD needs emergency sugar at all times on her person. If she feels low and does not have a meter, I would tell her to treat first, check later. We use the large individually wrapped Lifesavers which are four grams apiece. Put five of them in her jeans pocket every day before school. She has pretzels, glucose tabs more candy in her purse, in her backpack. I would get into this habit. If she can carry a juice in her purse in a tupperware like container, that would be good, as well as cake gel or glucose gel.
     
  8. Beach bum

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    This is what we did too and it's worked well. Because they don't deal with D 24x7, there will always be little mistakes, lots of questions, but we don't care because they are trying. They have always taken an active roll in D care, from day one in the hospital.

    I made a diabetes book for my parents. It has what they need to take when they go out, what to do it what situations, carbs for favorite foods. It's in a small notebook so my mom can pop it in her bag.

    He says to me "well I've asked you questions and you get frustrated with me" that's because he asks me the SAME questions over and over again. I told him he has had over a year to learn about type one.

    Just remember, he is older, and because he doesn't do it 24x7, it is harder to remember. Many times, my mom will ask a question pertaining to something she's done a million times, but because she hadn't been around in a while (they live 3 hrs away), she forgot. Remind and move on. So, cut him a bit of slack here, but remind him that if he wants to spend time with the kids, he's got to either write it down or remember it. This is where a notebook comes in handy. It probably would be best too if you purchased the book you would like him to have in regards to D. Pink Panther is a good start.
    As for taking the kids, I'd let him know either he learns to care for kids with D in a way that makes everyone comforatable, or he can't take any of them.
    Tell him the new rule is: All or nothing.
    And give him an apology and a big hug. Hopefully, he will realize the amount of stress you have been under and will understand.

    As for Dad not packing the bag...Tell him what happened, how important it is for her to have all supplies and tell him he screwed up. Abby is now pretty good about remembering her own bag which is nice.
     
  9. WestinsMom

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    I have to say that I have been in almost the exact same situation. Some people just don't get it and I question if they ever will.

    When my son was 4 (he is 12 now) he was at his grandpa's for the weekend and we had the same issue, "Well I gave him diet pop..." like that was supposed to help a low. Westin hasn't spent the weekend there since. Obviously, he is older now and could handle those decisions himself now. Actually, neither of my kids spend much alone time with any grandparents. (not all because of this but because the grandparents have no interest)
     
  10. Ellen

    Ellen Senior Member

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    I disagree with telling him he screwed up. Framing things positively will go a long way in repairing the relationship and his feelings of inadequacy. I would stop all negative criticism and teach what is necessary without blame.

    To the OP,

    I would not hand your father books unless he expressly asks for books. I would keep things simple. You may benefit from reading books that are written in simple language in order to assist you in teaching. You may understand more about fears of grandparents by reading Betty Brackenridge's book Draw Wide the Circle of Love and read her approach to teaching grandparents. http://www.bettybrackenridge.com/BBdrawwide.shtml . Another book you may want to refer to - and perhaps print only one page for one lesson http://www.uchsc.edu/misc/diabetes/books/firstbook/firstbook.html .

    An awareness about your own frustration/anger/sadness about your daughter's diabetes may also help your communication skills with your father. Sometimes we as parents are angry/sad/frustrated/bewildered/scared... about the diabetes and take it out on others without recognizing where those feelings are coming from and how they are being expressed. BTDT.

    Gentle, compassionate, loving, clear, simple, positive, grateful, humble....these words come to mind when I think of how people need to learn something that is as scary/confusing as type 1 diabetes is in a grandchild.
     
  11. swellman

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    I agree with the detailed "IF - THEN" reference card and a detailed list of contents for her kit for him to check before going out.
     
  12. Dylan'sMom

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    I'm sorry that happened and I know how frustrating it can be to have Grandparents who don't quite get it. But she really does need to make sure she has some sort of fast acting with her. Also, maybe try going a little bit easier on him. As a PP said, he doesnt deal with this everyday so he might forget. And you said "he has had over a year to learn about Type 1". After more than a year, do you know everything there is to know about Type 1? Think back to when you were newly dx'd. If every question you asked was followed by annoyance with the repetition or "we've been over this before", how would you have felt?
     
  13. Nancy in VA

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    Well, I have to say its been 3 years and there are still things I don't understand why my HUSBAND doesn't understand it, and he lives with us.

    Diabetes is different than when I parents knew it. If they were around it at all. I would give your dad a break and stick to the simple stuff. Sugar when low, insulin when high is the main things we focus on. Needs insulin when eats.
     
  14. Heather(CA)

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    I agree with Ellen, if he asks you the same questions over and over then you should just answer them. It sounds like he's trying... Also, she should have something for lows with her at all times, if she had, this wouldn't have been an issue. A roll of tabs, a tube of cake gel, juice, airheads, something easy to carry. Saying this gently, it was your job to make sure she had something...Sorry, I hope this isn't coming off harsh:( I don't mean it that way...It will be better next time, and now you know she needs to carry something on her:cwds: (((((HUGS))))) That was a scary call, I probably would have been upset too. Now you know how to not let it happen again. I would apologize to your dad though.
     
  15. Carseatmama

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    Actually it was not my job at that time. She was in the care of her father for the weekend, not me. When she is with me she has her supplies. She had fruit snacks with her in her bag, but no juice. And she has only been dx for 11 days, we are still trying to get into the swing of things with her having D. Even though we have been dealing with this for a year with our 7 year old, it seems like we are starting all over again.
     
  16. RosemaryCinNJ

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    I agree and very well said Ellen!! Your Dad did not mean any harm, this is new to him too as well as your daughter..its a learning experience for everyone..be patient..you will be grateful as heck your Dad is willing to step up with her care..not everyone has parents willing to do that or family members willing so you are very lucky :) Type 1 does suck you are right....Hang in there...
     
  17. sisterbeth43

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    I also agree with Ellen. It takes some people longer to learn about Type 1 and if they don't live it day in and day out, it will take longer. We never had any family to help out, so it's a good thing Reann was older when dx'd. Even my Type 1 BIL always wanted to give her sugar free chocolate. Not a good idea.
     
  18. linda

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    didnt read all posts...:rolleyes: !st im sorry i agree that phone call must have been scary... but on the other stuff..you are lucky that your parents try at all. LOTS here do NOT!! Most of our family was petrified to be alone with Ems care until she became independant (for the most part)

    My idea would be index cards in wallet...AND GLUTABS and water etc.

    it happens....we were all REALLY sick last week and i was too sick go out for what Em needed (BAD belly virus)...so i ask SIL to go to store tell her Em is LOW (68) puking etc. for pop, ice pops, jello, anything she can think of gentle to help..she comes back ALL SUGAR FREE:eek: it was a teaching moment:rolleyes:hang in:eek:
     
  19. wilf

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    I think all of you are going through a hard time right now. A second diagnosis in the family is never going to be easy.

    I give top marks to your dad for even being game to take his granddaughter - lots of grandparents flat-out won't. So you want to be patient and work with him to give him the very minimal tools he needs to be able to support his granddaughter. Maybe a little "Grandpa Crib Sheet" that has all he needs to know on it.

    This will all get easier once you all are into the new routine and have adjusted to the "new normal". In the meantime my advice is to go easy on each other - you're under a lot of stress,. You only get one family so you want to treat them with compassion when they make mistakes.. :cwds:
     
  20. badshoe

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    I feel for you. That second DX hurts just as much as the first. I have been there. It is a flood. I wrote about my diabetes flood here. The second dx is no less stressful because you have some t1 experience. It may even be more stressful because you have a clearer idea of the path ahead.

    No two kids with diabetes are the same. YDMV. I know. I coined the phrase.

    Each kids has deferent responses to the same things: different I:C, different correction factors, different responses to exercise and different skills. Each has their own emotional responce. So do you. So does your dad.

    It perfectly understandable to be stressed out. It is a very lot to deal with.

    It is hard to teach while you are still learning all those differences and dealing with your own sense of grief. It is hard to reverse the parent child relationship and teach a parent. It could be that you dad feels unsecure concerned and to some extent afraid of doing the wrong thing. Maybe that why he keeps asking the same things.

    I know others who have found a need in their family to step the stress down a notch. That can be done. Start with the basics.

    You clearly have loving grand parent that wants to help. See that. Appreciate that.

    Build from that. If you can, by all means go to Friends for Life. All of you. FFL has grand parents? sessions. I am sure they are as good as all the rest of the program there. Build on the strength of your family's love. Don't let the diabetes isolate you.

    Give away the stress of teaching your dad. If you can't make FFL this year, the ADA's wisdom kits are great. So is this community. Maybe you dad would be willing to join up here. There is a grandparents section and there are lots of folks here who are happy to answer the same question over and over again. If he wants I will give him my private email. Find what works to help you give away some stress.

    I am the Official King of YDMV. In one way though, diabetes doesn"t vary. It puts the fear in each of us. The question we individually face the most is, "I am afraid my family can't do this." Look around at this support group and you will see the group always say is same thing, "If we can do it, you can too. We are here to help you find your families way." The question and answer get phrased a thousand different ways. It gets put in the context of friends, neighbors, food police, family, schools and a partridge in a pear tree. But it is the same question. You heard it here first in the fear of diabetes inadequacy doesn't vary.

    You are going to be OK.
    Embracing the new normal.
    We are here to help.
     
    Last edited: Feb 2, 2010

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