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my dad is starting to freak me out :o(

Discussion in 'Parents Off Topic' started by lotsoftots, Jul 13, 2012.

  1. lotsoftots

    lotsoftots Approved members

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    my dad has always been the rock of the family the one who always took charge and you knew you better listen to... He is now 78 soon to be 79. I have noticed he is getting a little hard of hearing and sometimes a bit forgetful but all and all he is good or so I thought. The other day when I was visiting, my mom went outside to put the dog out, my dad looked at me and said "this is not for your mother to know not a word to her" ( this was very strange for my dad to say!!) he told me that he is on Coumadin and that his heart isnt good, that he could easily have a stroke or hemorrhage..went on to how he is getting nose bleeds and coughing up blood :eek:( ...now he has been on the Coumadin for over a year but lately he isnt letting mom to the Drs with him when normally they are joined at the hip. In the middle of the talk mom came back in and everything went back to normal...he has NEVER talked to me like the "adult"..yeah he treats me like an adult but never talked to me like this if you know what I mean.. He is wanting me to come by and learn his books ( mom and dad are very well off...that apple didn't fall close to the tree...lol) he has been looking for a house on the water here in Michigan but a big house with land and enough room for them to build another house, he makes sure he comes by a few times a week for a visit ( before is was just one time a week) all this is freaking me out I know he is preparing in case something happens to him..Iam not ready for my dad to be gone nor to even think about this happening :eek:( with the way he was talking I almost feel like every time I see him might be the last.:(
     
  2. LizinTX

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    I'm so sorry, it's hard when our parents get old, we tend to think they will be with us forever, at least I do. However, if he is trying to get things settled for "just in case" by all means help him when it is settled to his satisfaction then you can put it out of your mind knowing that plan B is in place for when it is needed. I do think he needs to be encouraged to be more open with your mom though, so she can be a part of the planning process if she wants to be, otherwise it isn't fair to her and she could be hurt.

    ((((((Lotsoftots)))) lots of hugs.
     
  3. Lee

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    OK - so I am going to share a story because your last sentence really struck home.

    My dad got cancer right about the same time my best dog ever starting getting really old. Everytime I would look at my dog, I would think, he is going to die soon. So instead of enjoying being with my dog, all I ever did was think about him dying. Well, a few months later, he did die. And I regretted the time I missed enjoying being with my dog.

    So, how does this relate to my dad? Well, instead of letting myself think - this could be it - I decided to let that thought go and 100% enjoy and appreciate the time I had with him. It was the one great decision I have made in my life.

    My dog taught to not focus on the fact that loved ones might leave your life, but instead focus on enjoying the loved ones.

    Cheesey I know, but it really struck a chord with me.
     
  4. Becky Stevens mom

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    Ah Deb:( I am so sorry honey. I know how hard this is for you. Your Dad sounds like a wonderful man. I didnt get to know my Dad very well. He left us when I was 10 and had a very bad drinking problem. My Mom told us that Dad was sick, even though he never missed a day of work so I didnt understand what she meant. He was diagnosed with leukemia when he was 71. At the time he was still drinking rather heavily so it was difficult to go spend time with him. His doctor put him on an anti-depressent and he stopped drinking. He was the Dad I had always dreamed of having. And I realized how much I loved him for the last 6 months of his life.

    When you see your Dad, tell him everything that is in your heart, sit with him and hold his hand if you want to. And if his time comes to go, you both wont have any regrets of time lost. He and you will be in my prayers dear:cwds:
     
  5. DsMom

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    Did your dad mention why he doesn't want to share his condition with your mom? I'm assuming it is so she does not worry...but, if it were me and my husband was keeping that sort of secret...I would be hurt and furious.:( I am sure this secretiveness is adding to your anxiety.,.and perhaps to his. If your dad did not mention it, I would ask him why he thinks keeping this secret is a good thing for your mom...and encourage him to reconsider. If your dad is the "rock" you describe, he may have a hard time accepting that he may need to lean on others now. As you have all leaned on him in the past, I am sure you are more than happy to return the favor now. Let him know how much strength you have gained from him...and how much you and your mom would like to give it back to him now. He may see it as a burden to you...but I'm guessing you would consider it a privilege.

    I pray that your dad is managing whatever health issues he has, and that he will be with you for many years to come. However, if the worst should happen, I think your mom deserves to have the chance to say all the things that we often forget to say to our loved ones. If she knew his condition was so serious, there may be things she wants to do and say...I think to deny her that chance is cruel. And, should she find out later that you knew and did not share...you don't want that kind of rift to form. Your dad unfortunately put you in a very difficult position with his disclosure and his desire to secure your part in his secret. At a time like this, I think the love and support of ALL family members for a sick family member is essential...and family members need the support of one another as well. I would try to urge your father to drop the secretiveness and get this all out in the open. At least then, one small part of the stress would be alleviated.

    I am sorry to only focus on your mom in this post. I am so sorry for your personal situation and pain. I hope your dad is doing all he can to remain a part of your life as long as possible. Best wishes and prayers for all of you.:cwds:
     
  6. Ali

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    FWIW
    Does he get his blood levels of coumadin checked every month? Getting checked every 4 to 6 weeks is standard for users of coumadin. They often have to adjust dosages regularly. See if you can go with him to his next Dr. visit or coumadin blood test. Also try and check that he is taking it correctly, the dosing can get complicated, as the amount taken daily can vary from day to day. Finally if you can go to the Dr. with your Dad you may find that he is right on in terms of his health or not quite hearing what the Doc is saying. If you are on coumadin the risk of a stroke is greatly lowered, that is the whole point of it, but it can cause bleeding problems so the dosing is critical. You may know all this and if yes please excuse me. Good luck dealing with your Dad. As a side note, could he be depressed? Ali
     
  7. Helenmomofsporty13yearold

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    Sorry, your Dad is not well. You have gotten lots of great advice from the PP's. I would add that buying a large property at this time does not sound like a good idea unless you are OK with taking care of it and him. My Dad became hard of hearing and forgetful in his 70's. It slowly developed into dementia. At first he just needed help with simple things like changing his razor cartridges. Eventually, he needed lots of care. He died at 81.

    Your mom absolutely needs to know what is going on. You can have a doctor specializing in geriatrics assess him.
     
  8. valerie k

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    truer words were never spoken. My dad was a very seriously ill man for the last 5 years of his life. I took care of him for those 5 years becouse my mom suddenly died. She had an anyoism (not spelled right) Beleive me, he was on
    Coumadin for years, with the worst heart ever, and lived for over a year with lung cancer and radiation treatments, plus his other long list of ailments. People suprize you when you least expect it. He was the tuffest old goat. What did him in.... my sister died suddenly at the age of 48 to undiagnosed heart condition. So while "watching and waiting" and caring for my dad and knowing he would pass (heck, we all are... dont know when, dont know where, dont know how) I missed alot of living with others... including dad while he was still with me. I was semi lucky, I spent the last 4 month of dads life LIVING with him, and enjoying him (as well as caring) and quit the focus on when he would leave me.


    Also, encourage him to get his hearing tested, and have him get a set of hearing aides. We managed to get dad in, and what a world of difference... and he was so glad that we told him it was time. They make them so small if he is worried about appearance, nobody will know he has them. But his quality of life will improve emencely.
     
  9. Bigbluefrog

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    Hugs!! I am sorry your dad is doing poorly.

    I recently lost my Dad, and I remember we thought we had more time to get his estate in order, he died in two weeks. It was always lets do that another time and then time ran out. My advice to anyone in this situation...make time and don't put off those necessary things. My experience with my dad was nothing was simple and on his death bed he was telling me last minute wishes.

    Find the time!!
     

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