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Marriage problems

Discussion in 'Parents Off Topic' started by irishmom, Apr 21, 2011.

  1. irishmom

    irishmom Approved members

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    Just wanted to know how all of you have gotten through in your marriage with type 1.....I have always been the dominate caregiver ...stayed home for 8years .....went back to work 1month before my son was dx......I take care of him I do everything.....my husband has never been to a dr with Patrick , taken care of him,except for one day....mind you I know there was trouble before dx but I thought maybe this all of the dr and learning and lack of sleep .would help our marriage.....and it hasn't....husband comes out with I'm obsessed with dx and taking care of him......which I am not sure who else would....it has been 9 months since dx....then a few more dx's of other things after that....and a challenge...but really feel like I cannot stay married any more....
    So was wondering if anyone else had gone through this or experienced a similar situation.......
    Thanks....
    Marcia
     
  2. monkeyschool

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    Hi Marcia,

    I can't comment on separating, but I can tell you that you are not alone in the care.

    I am the primary (only) D related care parent, but have also always been the one to take care of the kids throughout....D or no D. When they are ill, when they are scared, when they are hungry, etc. Even to feed them, if he has any at home while I am away with another, I have to call and remind him. If he has the little one I'll come home to a dirty diaper that has not been changed in hours. If I don't specifically tell him 'change the diaper now' he just doesn't think to do it.

    With night D care in our case, DH is a very early sleeper. By 10PM he is out cold. He doesn't wake through alarms, etc It's always been that way though, so I know it's not D care...it's just been the routine we settled into, and never changed it so D makes it a bigger burden on me. I also think that because does not feel comfortable with the kids needs it makes it awkward for him, it just doesn't come natural.

    To turn that coin around though, I can't change my car oil for the life of me. I also don't get into the dealings of clearing our snow much (I help, but to him it probably seems I help just about as much as he does with the kids). Our strengths in all of this are different from each others.

    I had to go to Atlanta for a work related conference a few years back and was away for a week (before dx) they called me a zillion times for the littlest things, but they survived just fine. DH was completely worn out by the time I returned. It just wasn't his thing, lol

    I think with some people that natural thing to 'mother' is just not there, they can't do it. I know my DH would like to be up later and do more, but his body and mind just can't do it.

    My only suggestion is that you outline with each other those things that are making your relationship unbearable...there is a great book you can read together (which I tried to have my DH read a while ago, but he kept falling asleep after a couple of sentences, so it was never read), but to me it made a big difference in understanding him a little better. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html

    It is by no means a comprehensive book, when it lists a few "key things" I could find many many more, but it does put you on the road to thinking a little differently on why we are so different. Definitely worth a read...and the library tends to carry it.

    I would also suggest professional help, but I know even here that would never happen, lol There is a lot of help out there though if you want to try to make it work. :)

    Best of luck, please keep us posted.
    D.
     
  3. Christopher

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    I don't want to derail this thread but I had to make one comment. I just don't buy this excuse. This is a child's health (and life, actually) that is on the line. And his "body and mind" just can't do it? I haven't really slept in 4 years, so maybe my mind is a little fuzzy, but I don't see how a parent can look themselves in the mirror and say they didn't do everything in their power to keep their child safe, healthy and alive.

    To the OP, sorry you are dealing with this.
     
  4. kiwiliz

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    You have an awful lot on your plate with 8 children - even without diabetes. I know the first couple of years were just a blur to me. Some men choose not to have any real role with children and if you have nearly all the burden of that then it is only fair that they pull their weight in those other areas of your life.

    I have friends who have 4 young children and one of their young ones had a heart problem. It was a very trying time for the family and they ended up splitting. After a while apart they realised it was the stress of the situation, rather than their lack of love for each other, and have come together stronger than ever. This may not be the case for you, some people just become more selfish when their love and support is most needed and there is absolutely nothing you can do to change them.

    Can you try and negotiate a better deal for you? 8 children is a logistical nightmare and diabetes is really hard work - he has to realise this. Perhaps he is not aware of the outcome of poor care. Can your doctor talk to him and let him know how important it is?

    I am really sorry you are having this trouble. I hope it gets better.
     
  5. monkeyschool

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    It's okay. Understand 100% what you are saying, but I think what happens is he knows I am doing it. If he was forced to do it himself he would find a way to (at least I hope so, lol)
     
  6. Mom2Will

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    I'm really sorry you are having to deal with this as well as the big D.

    I know I was/am obsessed and don't think I will change with regard to this disease. I have toned down quite a bit since diagnosis but, here I am on here looking to see if there is anything new I might like to know.

    I've been married forever and guess that I have accepted our differences. My husband can take care of our son and I have never worried about leaving them together for long periods of time. It is in my nature, however, to want to be the dominant one in the caretaking responsibilities and I remember being aggravated that my husband wouldn't pay attention as much as I thought he should but I also realized if I was around it was my own overbearing that kept him from doing the things he needed to learn to do. Once I figured out how to back up of course he stepped up. I was my own worst enemy! My husband has never been to one Endo, Pedi, etc. appt. ever. I don't care. We both love our children, we do it differently.

    I hope that this incident with your husband is only a very small fraction of your problems in your marriage rather than the end all for a marriage.
     
  7. Blue

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    The bold is where I'm at in my relationship now . . . It's so hard when you don't feel like your partner has the same priorities as you . . .
     
  8. PatriciaMidwest

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    Sorry you are feeling this way. I think going back to work after staying home with 8 kids full time is bound to be a huge adjustment, and T1 definitely complicates things. Many families have one main D care person (myself included), but your husband still needs to be able to fill in as needed...which means he has to be willing to learn. If he isn't the main D care person, he can help you in lots of other ways such as laundry, cooking, groceries, picking up kids, etc. I hope you aren't trying to do all of this on your own!

    Maybe counseling would help....I hope things work out for you.
     
  9. irishmom

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    Thank you for your comments.....we have seen counselor....there are many other issues prior to this....have lived through kids illness...one withntwo brain surgeries....one with u diagnosable rumors....and just the typical stuff as well....my first husband died suddenly of a massive heart attack.....my husband now adopted my three from that marriage...I know there is a difference in the kids....and really thought this may be the turning point in our marriage...sadly it was in an opposite direction.....I am tired....I am running ragged all the time....but theynare my kids and I would have it no other way.....that being said mi really thought by now he would take up some thought to help me...with anything....I have the books...marked pages re marriage and roles.....and tints go good for a day or two then back to the same.....the dx is not the cause for my martial problems by any means.....but has significantly magnified them....
    Again I thank you all....
    Marcia
     
  10. Becky Stevens mom

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    Marcia, I know exactly how you feel. We've been married for over 22 years. There were issues before my childs diagnosis, many of them. The diagnosis just made alot of things crystal clear to me and that was very disappointing:( What I have done is to see a therapist by myself. That has helped me a great deal because I found the perfect one who empowers me and helps me to not take on everything for everybody. If you can manage financially, you should try to see one too. It'll help you to decide what the future holds for you and your kids and whats best for all of you
     
  11. fredntan2

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    Ive,been married, for 24 years now. I can't say its ben easy.
    my only advice is to see a good therapist.
    that first year or two was so hard.
     
  12. czardoust

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    I'm...actually going through the same thing you are. Kind of helpful to know I'm not alone! Cause right now I feel alone. But our marital problems have not been revolving around diabetes. I had to release a huge secret..... it rocked my husbands world, and in turn he's used it to rock the world of our children. :( I'm done, after almost 16 years of being married....I'm done. But I know I can't leave. So, I have to be strong enough to endure the years ahead... all I can say is, if you are done..... cut the ties and go on living. No one who truly loves you will judge you. The ones who know you best, they already know your pain without you having to speak a word to them.
     

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