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I just got reamed out by my SIL

Discussion in 'Parents Off Topic' started by twodoor2, Feb 6, 2010.

  1. sooz

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    One good thing has come from this, your sil has proved herself to be totally ignorant on the subject of what it is like to have a child w diabetes. I honestly dont know very many people who have great relationships with their sil's. There is just something about that relationship that makes things difficult. PLUS the fact that she is the SECOND wife. That makes me think she is very touchy about her place in the family, and yet, look how she feels she can tell you what's what. Having said that, I wouldnt cut her out of my life. Just put up with her. Roll your eyes as much as you need to, and if she says something ignorant again just say "You could be right" in such a way that leaves no doubt that she is WRONG..and move on. She wont get it or admit it if you tell her outright that she is wrong and she wont learn or change her opinions. She is who she is, ignorant and insecure. Someone said it earlier, it IS about her. Im sorry you were hurt. Somehow people always know how to hurt us at our weakest sites. Hang in there.

    p.s. if you want to hurt her back in HER weakest spot, just say something like, oh, my first sil (whatever her name is) would have gone out of her way to learn all she could to support us...or something similar.. :D:eek: j/k I dont think you should do this..it just might make you feel better thinking about it..
     
  2. sisterbeth43

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    Marsha, just wanted to say how sorry I am that your SIL talked to you like that. She truly does not deserve your friendship.
     
  3. ecs1516

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    Marsha, I am sorry too. If it was not a family member it would be much easier to ignore. Too bad you can't block them like Facebook.:p
     
  4. wilf

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    This is how I would approach this as well. Lots of room for learning here.. :cwds:
     
  5. Carseatmama

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    I had the same issue. My ex sister in law told my mom I was making a bigger deal out of it then it really is. I haven't talked to her in over a year.
     
  6. RosemaryCinNJ

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    Marsha..Oh please let me know how you hide the MM522 pump??? I cant seem to hide Amandas anywhere on her!! Your sister in law has a lot of nerve...none of her business how you raise your children anyway!! She dont get it..whats her problem???!!!!
     
  7. RosemaryCinNJ

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    Oh no...I just saw you wrote this Marsha...She does not care for you as a human being??? Sorry but she needs to go punch herself in the face...Your sister in law is a monster in law...
     
  8. Omo2three

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    Honestly your sil is insensitive and a few other words I can't post.
    What she said is making me pissed off and I don't even know her.
    How can she judge your life when she has no clue what its like to walk in your shoes.
    What is she really angry about? That you are too busy being a mom who gives 120% to your family so much so your tired and at times cranky from lack of sleep ....sounds like she could be more empathitc instead of critical..

    Mark supports you.... and you have us....hang in there
     
    Last edited: Feb 6, 2010
  9. twodoor2

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    Thank you all so much for your well thought out and considerate responses. I don't think I'll talk to her or ever go to my brother's house again, but I'll send the kids, Mark, whatever. I am uncomfortable around people that don't like me, and I truly know now she never did. She's always been very quiet around me, and never calls or talks to me except in a couple sentences here and there. Stupid me never really saw it, but I see it now. My eyes are open, better late than never.

    Why doesn't she like me? I don't know. I have no idea what I ever did to her. It could be a million things. Heaven knows I'm far from perfect, but I never fought with her ever, after almost 20 years of knowing her. This is the first time we ever fought, and I think she just blew a gasket after all these years of dislike.

    As for the diabetes comments, Mark saw red when I told him what she said. As we all know, if you don't live day in and day out with a life threatening disease, you shouldn't judge. I'm sorry for any of you that have met people or had friends that just didn't comprehend the serious nature of this disease. It's really so frustrating. Elizabeth recently had stomach flu a couple weeks ago and I don't even have to explain to any of you what that's like for a Type 1 diabetic.

    I truly appreciate everyone's understanding and thank you so much for listening to me. I always know I can come here when I need the support, and it's invaluable to me, as always. :cwds:
     
  10. tiffanie1717

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    I have a SIL that has no clue, too. It's aggravating! Just remember, she has never walked a mile in your shoes and she is ignorant of more than you forgot to remember. :)

    ((hugs, Marsha!))
     
  11. fredntan2

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    Your SIL is obviously a little immature. Hopefully she'll never have to walk in our shoes.
     
  12. Our3girls

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    All of my in laws are clueless. My FIL went to one class and thought he knew enough to have her over night LOL. My MIL acts like she cares in front of our church family but took 2 weeks to come over after my daughter asked her to like 10 times to even learn anything?? My SIL never even called and acted like it was nothing big when my husband told her and then at Christmas offered her candy? I am sorry and can understand to a certain degree how you feel. I feel lonely often because no one gets how stressful it really is. My mom is watching her for the first time tonite because my other daughter has the stomach flu and we dont want her to get it. I am so thankful to atleast have my parents to help and try to forget about the negative people. Good luck- there is no right answer. We keep my in laws at a distance. It is hard with kids involved.
     
  13. shekov

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    I'm seeing this a little late but here's my opinion, for what it's worth.

    Sounds like she and your brother feel they are being taken advantage of for having a healthy family and a little time to spare. They don't like that you get D as "an excuse" to not do as much for your ailing parents. They feel that they are doing more than they should have to and decided to tell you in an insulting, immature, vindictive and cruel way.

    They are selfish, tiny people. I know the type. I'm sure you will have to deal with them again and when you do ....they will not have changed.

    My only advice is to be perfectly honest and COLD when talking to them from this point on. They need you at the hopital? Fine. When will they be leaving so you don't have to interact? You can't make it? NO excuses. I won't be able to make it. Hang up.

    If they don't understand why you are behaving this way. Tell them without emotion that you do not allow anyone to treat you that way. It sets a bad example for your children. It's unhealthy. You choose to take yourself out of it for your and your family's benefit. They can chose to continue however they like.

    I know i sound like a B but this pissed me off. You are a sweet, funny, considerate, intelligent person. No one ever claimed that you were perfect. ;):rolleyes: But you're our Marcia and we'll defend you to the end.
     
  14. twodoor2

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    You know, they've never babysat my kids either, except once when Elizabeth was in the hospital after the Disney trip from hell. It was just one day. They sometimes send my 12 year old niece over to play with the kids, but it's rare.

    I'm just tired. I wish they could live in my shoes for a week and see how difficult it is to manage diabetes. So if they do more for my parents, it's just for the last few months. They haven't had to live with this disease for the last two+ years. Ugh, don't get me started. It's so upsetting.

    My SIL also had two kids seven years apart. I have three all under the age of 7, big difference I think. I also had twins, and multiple babies is incredibly hard (talk about no sleep). My SIL just said that many people have a lot of small children at once, and that's still no excuse to not be readily available. Boy, she really talks like she knows what it's like for everyone without having that experience herself.
     
  15. CassiesMama

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    So sorry you have to deal with someone that toxic, when its a family member is seams about 10 times worse.

    Do your remember those dolls they had back in high school that acted like real babies and you had to put a key in there back to get them to stop crying and really give you the experience of what it was like to have a baby. We need a doll like that to give to all these people that think D is so easy and really not that bad. Let them go with the worry and wonder. Let them try to function with 2 hours of sleep cause numbers are going wacky during the night. Then maybe just maybe they would have an understanding of what us parents are going through. If it weren't for the fact that my kids health would be at stake I would let them deal with the kid. ;)
     
  16. Kirsten

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    Marsha,

    It makes me sad to read through the responses and see how many of us have had a similar experience with a family member. For me, it's my step MIL. She feels D is no big deal, but only offers to do things with my non D son. We had it out over the phone. She told me not to "play the diabetes card with her." and that I wasn't a diligent parent, was selfish, etc.:rolleyes:.

    After that, I emailed her and cc'd my FIL that they would not be able to have the Cooper over to their house without Peter and Griffin, but that they could come over to our house anytime to see the kids, but they will have to make their plans through Peter. I have limited the amount of time that we spend with them on special occasions as well and I just don't speak to my MIL if I don't absolutely have to.

    Short answer: I would (and have) cut out any non-supportive and toxic people as much as possible. D is enough to deal with on its own. I don't have time or energy for the drama.

    (((hugs)))

    Kirsten
     
  17. czardoust

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    I just wanted to say that I think you were being a responsible, good daughter for not going around your ailing parents when you and the kids were sick. Its the worst thing you could do, weaken their already weakened immune systems. Your SIL sounds like she is jealous of your ability to be so open and emotional. Sorry for that. For me its my MIL and SIL who don't get the whole T1D thing. They still serve sugared sodas at family dinners! At least they don't make her wait to eat if dinner isn't done yet and she drops. On her 7th birthday she was 22 at their house while waiting to eat. I wanted to scream because they told me I was being foolish to check her BS (like someone mentioned already, there is a unspoken rule around the inlaws that says "do not acknowledge D in our presence"), that she was just being impatient and moody and spoiled for crying saying she was hungry. Never mind the fact that she had lack circles under her eyes and her skin looked as gray as a corpse or that she couldn't respond when you talked to her. But of course when I found out she was 22 they blamed me while my husband grabbed a sugared soda from their fridge because I had left the glucagon at home and we had no time to run next door and get it. We probably avoided a seizure by mere seconds. They dont argue anymore when I check Kat at their house. Again, Im sorry you are also having inlaws issues. People who dont live it will never know.
     
    Last edited: Feb 7, 2010
  18. Toni

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    Really? Last I heard you can't drag children under 12 to the hospital with you. And I assume you don't have a live in nanny. But you don't just have small children. You have small children AND a child with D who you cannot leave with just any babysitter. In fact, it may be very difficult to find and train a babysitter to deal with D and, certainly, it would be rare to find one that can take over at a moment's notice so you can run down to the hospital. No, your brother is better positioned to help and really does not have any other pressing responsibility he can use to get out of his responsibility. No one could argue that a parent's responsibility is first toward their young children, parents have to come second during this time of life. It would be different if your children were teens. I know you would like to help out more. But you just can't right now. She is trying to use guilt to get you to take care of your parents so HER husband can have more time off. I would call my brother and explain it to him, personally. Hope he understands. And be firm with SIL that there is no way you can clone yourself so you can be in two places at one time and your chronically ill child is going to have to take precedence over your parent's care at this time. And that you will do what you can. P.S. There is a way you can preview phone calls (phone number comes up on TV and phone). I would get this and use it. I would not even answer SIL's phone calls. Avoidance.......

    "Mom to 6 year old twins Elizabeth and Alex (b. 03/25/2003) and 3 year old Matthew (b. 03/03/2006)
    Elizabeth dx'd @ 4 on 10/13/2007 with Type 1" ....
    Just saw this. Four kids under the age of 6, one with D. Not only should it be obvious you cannot stretch yourself any thinner than you already are to offer help, you NEED help yourself from your familiy. I hope you have one or two family members who help and allow you to catch your breath.
     
    Last edited: Feb 7, 2010
  19. cindyrn6617

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    Marsha, I'm sorry you have to deal with your SIL. When Bobby's Mom was dying of cancer, his brother was always on him about helping out. DH was there almost every weekend (day and night) but that wasn't good enough. DH had a job during the day, I worked nights and we had young kids at home. The DA BIL had grown kids and lived within half a mile. We were also 30 miles away. In the mist of this hell, Ryan was Dx. My thinking is, you have to be able to take care of yourself and your kids first before you can take care of other people. I don't have an answer, you just have to do what you think is best in your heart and the heck with the SIL and her idiotic remarks.
     
  20. twodoor2

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    We really don't have family that can readily help us out with the kids. My other SIL has helped (Mark's sister), and she's been wonderful, but she's a single mother with two girls herself (around 10 and 12 years old). I don't like to ask her for too many favors, especially on her days off. She also understands that it's a lot of work to take care of a child with D, especially after I had her take care of Elizabeth for an evening when Mark and I had a rare night out at a wedding. She called me with regular blood checks, so while you can leave your kids at home, you can rarely leave D. I used to have a nanny come during the day (instead of daycare), but now the kids are in school, and my former nanny had a baby, so she's terrified of getting her new baby sick (first time protective mother which I totally understand).

    When I had to go over to my mother's house to take care of her, I had to bring Elizabeth with. Mark is great, but the boys are a handful, and he works all week, like I do, so it's unfair to ask him to watch three kids all day long, especially keeping track of one with D. Asking a young child to sit around all day while you take care of an elderly person is difficult. Elizabeth would complain all the time we were there, even if she had her video game, coloring books, etc. . . At the time, my mother couldn't walk, feed herself, or go to the bathroom (she wore diapers). My dad is too old himself to take on such responsibility with her care. He finally had to hire a caretaker for part of the day.

    My SIL was a friend on Facebook, and I unfriended her. I wonder if she'll notice. Needless to say I'm very mad at her, and although she has ordered around my family for years now, I've decided I'm not going to take it anymore. Here's an example of her bossiness. For some strange reason, she feels she has to make regular parties. She has a huge house, so I think she enjoys this. It was mandatory attendance for us, unless we had a good reason to get out of it. The only times she ever spoke to me was to make sure I attended her get togethers. While it was nice that she did this, it was really strange that she felt it was required. She even once had surgery to remove a gallbladder and still made a party. I think her own mother expects it of her. My brother is rather disgusted about having to spend all this money on parties each year (neither are rich and live way beyond their means). While my mother was critically ill in the hospital, she still made a Thanksgiving party, and my brother was forced to attend even though he was depressed. I don't get this behavior. I find it rather odd.

    Also, recently, after being out of work for almost a year, she also got a job that she hates. It's retail, so lots of hours, so maybe she's taking that frustration out on me too. Who knows? She hates working, and wishes she didn't have to (don't we all:rolleyes:). However, in the year she was off, she vacationed and relaxed. Whatever. She's been nice to my kids, but very standoffish and quiet to me over the many years I've known her. I give up tyring to figure out why she dislikes me so, and honestly, I can't say that I disliked her. I just found her a bit strange at times, and perhaps a quiet person that keeps a lot bottled up inside, but I was cordial. After this incident, I can honestly say I dislike her intensely.
     

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