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Good enough or had to back off a bit

Discussion in 'Parents of Children with Type 1' started by Becky Stevens mom, Oct 30, 2009.

  1. Becky Stevens mom

    Becky Stevens mom Approved members

    Oct 14, 2008
    For 2 years after Stevens diagnosis with diabetes I was to put it mildly, obsessed. I ate, drank, slept d. I was a SAHM, my older son was in school full time so I was here and I did diabetes care. I would write down carb counts on paper. Fill out log books with all kinds of strange things: Stevens got a cold today, Steven has gas pains today, went to McDonalds today, etc, etc.

    After the initial shock wore off and Steven started tolerating shots better I thought it was all fairly easy. I couldnt understand what others were making such a big to do about. i only knew a couple of other people that had kids with d but they would complain how their kids A1Cs were high 7s low 8s no matter what they did. Well during that time Stevens A1Cs were in the low 6s high 5s quite often. I would listen to these people and sympathise but inwardly Id feel smug and wonder why they couldnt do this thing, "damn this is pretty easy actually!!"

    But now 5 years down the road I have no smugness left. I couldnt possibly keep up that level of emotion, that obsession, the anal retention. It would have driven me crazy and it did for awhile. I would test in the morning and hold my breath till the meter beeped. If the number was in range I was happy that day, if it was high I was upset and angry with myself.

    To the people in here that micromanage their childs d. I admire you but also worry about you. Please dont get lost in this and lose sight of yourself. You are important too and deserving of a life outside of d. To the other parents like me that have had to step back a little and accept some higher numbers and higher A1Cs I just want to say, its ok, it really is. I think if you are doing your best and coming in here to get advice and reading how to hopefully get things better its ok. you cant be in the trenchs all the time, you have to be able to walk away for a little while or hand over some of it to someone else and do more for yourself so that you can come back with a renewed sense of what your doing it all for.

    And if youve read this far and are thinking, "what the heck is she getting at"??!! Well its probably just another rambling thread by one who has to take something that could be explained in 10 words and make it into a 100. I just want peace for everybody and know that you are pretty special to be doing this stuff.
  2. samheis

    samheis Approved members

    May 20, 2008
    Becky- I agree with your point.
    Although I'm only 2 years in, I had to stop obsessing, and get back to living. Not saying at all that others on here are doing right or wrong. I just know that for me-the depression and constant thinking about D was destroying me.
    The last 3 months have been the best of the last 2 years. I finally feel like me again. And the more I let go, the easier it has become to manage the D.
  3. Nancy in VA

    Nancy in VA Approved members

    Jul 16, 2007
    Becky - I was the same way too for about the first year and realized that I just couldn't keep it up. Many are actually surprised at how laid back I am - I just stay vigilant on the lows and a lot of times, let the rest just ride. I was chatting with another mom at the pool this summer who has a teen and she was frustrated coming off of vacation and her BGs being erratic. She is also in the throws of puberty. I told her, "Well, it was vacation - you needed to be on vacation and she needed to be on vacation. You kept her safe and its only one week out of her life." Its so easy to lose sight of the forest for the trees. Overall mental and emotional health of you and your child is as important as the physical health that is reflected by an A1C. That is just one measure of your overall health.

    Thanks for posting.
  4. momma_fish2007

    momma_fish2007 Approved members

    Aug 26, 2009
    I totally get you. I know my situation isn't any different than lots of people in here but my son was dxd three weeks before I had my daughter and so now I have an almost three year old boy and an almost one year old little girl that keep me so busy that oftentimes I don't remember to write down sugars. He is healthy and although his a1c is a bit high for now, we're working on it and I have to remind myself to not take it personally. D sucks but it doesn't target our emotions or single us out like it feels like sometimes.

    I totally get your point about not micromanaging. I could never be that person and I honestly don't begrudge myself for it. I worry that if I did micromanage things that Julian would come to resent me and D and hopefully he'll live with both for a very long time :)
  5. Mimi

    Mimi Approved members

    Dec 19, 2008
    Becky, I don't think it was too long at all. I admire all the parents on here who are much farther along in this journey. We are coming up on a year since dx at the end of November. I remember the first months - I was truly "all diabetes, all the time" - even if it didn't seem like it on the outside, inside it was all I thought about.

    This place and the wonderful parents here (like you) have been such a big part of me getting to the place I am now. I am better at not stressing about each and every bg reading. I try to remember to see the big picture. I still have many days (and nights) when it's all about d - but I think I'm getting there.

    Today is the Halloween party in dd's class. I just got back actually from taking over a tray of fruit kabobs for the kids and trying to estimate how many carbs dd was taking in from all the candy, cupcakes, cookies etc. so I could give some extra insulin. I know I underestimated. I know her numbers will be high later. And as I said to her teacher after she asked what she should watch for "It's one afternoon of higher numbers. I'll correct when she gets home. Right now, she's 8 years old and doing what all the other 8 year olds in her class are doing. That is important too."

    So thanks to you and other parents here on CWD, I have that attitude now. So don't ever stop making posts like these. They've helped me and I'm sure they will help others, too.
    Last edited: Oct 30, 2009
  6. fredntan2

    fredntan2 Approved members

    Apr 21, 2007
    I totally know what you mean.

    that first year i guess I was obsessed. so much that my older dd had to become bulimic to get my attention.

    these last few years I've been letting Sara hold the reigns.

    I think she's doing well with it.

    I take that back, I think she's doing great with it.
  7. StillMamamia

    StillMamamia Approved members

    Nov 21, 2007
    I understand what you're saying Becky.
  8. tom_ethansdad

    tom_ethansdad Approved members

    Apr 24, 2009
    Thanks for sharing the wisdom of your experience. It will benefit all of us, especially those of us who are not as far along on the journey. I am always so grateful for everyone here who shares their experiences like this, the information is invaluable.
  9. mollgirl

    mollgirl Approved members

    Sep 2, 2008
    I totally agree and this is a valuable post. Thank you. Even though my son handles his d it is so easy to be obsessed about it. We are 15 months in and we are doing our best.
  10. Flutterby

    Flutterby Approved members

    Nov 11, 2006
    I go through phases.. I'm so anal at times, writing everything down, analizing the data every day.. driving the school crazy, and then I get wiped out and tell myself that I can't keep doing it this way.. and I back off.. we get great A1c's, we get OK A1c's and we get A1c's that I don't really want to see again (like this last one).. but it doesn't necessarily go w/ the times that I've been anal about things.. I can't do it ALL the time, I'll be in the looney bin before long (probably should already be there. LOL).
  11. angiej

    angiej Approved members

    May 11, 2009
    4 months in I was diagnosed with depression - whilst my depression wasn't centred on diabetes, D was certainly the trigger. The year following my diagnosis, both learning to deal with depression and learning to manage diabetes in a pre-schooler, has to be one of the most difficult and painful parts of my life.

    This winter we will be 5 years with diabetes, and I manage her D as best I can. I make detailed logs, we make changes and strive for the best, but I know when to step back and say it is good enough.

    I personally have resisted the 'lure' of the CGM - I know that we could improve her a1c, but I would become too obsessed with her numbers (is this 'micromanaging' I wonder?) and here is no doubt that this would make me ill again.

    We all need to be able to strike a balance. A balance between keeping our children safe and healthy, keeping ourselves well and trying to stop D 'taking over' our (and our children's) lives - this balance will be different for different people. Personally, I am very keen that I teach Alice how to deal with her diabetes in a way that allows D to be in the background, that means I have to learn to do it too :eek:
  12. danalynn

    danalynn Approved members

    Oct 27, 2009
    I really appreciate the post too. My son was only diagnosed 3 weeks ago, and so far this forum has really helped me gain perspective from those of you who've been doing this for a while and reassurance for other 'newbies' that I'm not alone in this new experience. I can definetely see that it would be easy for this to be the center of our lives and I don't mind that for myself so much, but I don't want that to be the case for my son. and seeing as he's taking all his cue's from me right now.... these first few months are really going to set the tone for how he relates to 'D' and I want to minimize the risk of resentment and of him adopting 'D' as his identity. I'm really looking for that balance right now, trying to teach him to respect it and manage it responsibly and at the same time still be a regular little 7 year old boy. I don't want him to say- "Hi my name is Colby and I have Diabetes", I want him to say "Hi my name is Colby, I like dragons and monster trucks and video games and playing in the snow and I have Diabetes." It's a little difficult right now of course because his numbers are still wonky and we're still learning lots and developing habits so it's definetely the main focus of our family right now, but I hope for his sake we can strike a balance as time goes on. I really appreciate everyone's posts, I'm learning from all of them and I'm so glad I found this forum!!! :)
  13. mom2two

    mom2two Approved members

    Jan 3, 2008
    VERY VERY true!! Our kids deserve a life out of the 'D' world too. They can't leave it but they don't need to be constanting hearing #'s and having parents melting down because their blood sugar got about 180.

    I do still log and write down a lot of stuff, like bagel or whatever to know what caused that dreaded spike but I don't "freak out" about it anymore I just try to "solve" the problem and go on with my day.
  14. Melancholywings

    Melancholywings Approved members

    Sep 15, 2009
    This is a great post and appricated. Thanks!
  15. Jacob'sDad

    Jacob'sDad Approved members

    Nov 20, 2007
    I'm probably still pretty anal, but I've learned what works and what doesn't and what can be fixed and what can't. I've also raised the white flag of surrender to certain things. I know that I can't really win, but I can still fight the fight (unless I don't feel like fighting;)).

    So I don't log on paper at all because it doesn't gain me much anymore. The pump is my log and I enter all carbs and almost all BG checks into it.

    My formulas are only starting points. I've come up with other equations that you guys have never seen. Why? Because they don't work! The math doesn't take enough variables into account.

    I get lazy sometimes and just bolus and correct and then correct again if needed, even though I know that it might be time to make changes in the pump settings.

    I have surrendered for now to my belief that there is no real system for Jacob that will keep his BG's in a super tight range even with the CGM. That's a tough one for me and maybe I'll pick up the challenge again later, but for now I'm tired of trying things that should work and then they don't.

    OK, I'm rambling, so...whatever.
  16. emm142

    emm142 Approved members

    Sep 7, 2008
    Well.. I guess I'm still in the anal stage.. I don't know. Some days I just let everything slip because I think I deserve a break, but then I feel bad enough that I decide my health is worth more than just being lazy for a day, and get back on top of things. I'm only 2 and a half years in, though, so there's still time for me to relax a bit.
  17. ianmom

    ianmom Approved members

    Apr 19, 2008
    I like your post. I am not an anal person at all, well maybe I kinda am, because I'm always thinking I should do better ;) But my son is 14 now and RESISTS any kind of micromanaging, so it's like walking a tightrope.
  18. hold48398

    hold48398 Approved members

    Mar 11, 2006
    I totally get your post. Thank you. We are 5 yrs into this and certainly have "evolved" on many levels. :rolleyes::)
  19. Mom of 3 BOYS

    Mom of 3 BOYS Approved members

    May 14, 2009
    Becky, thank you for your post. We have been dealing with this for a little over a year sometimes i just feel burnt out! I try to micromanage every detail of my son's care because i want to do the best for him and sometimes i can't take it anymore... i have lost myself in all of this and it really does scare me at times... thank you for your post... i really needed that... to know that sometimes it's ok.
  20. Toni

    Toni Banned

    Sep 14, 2009
    We do micromanage, but we only have her to worry about (her brother is grown). She will not micromanage, however, so we have to ease up when she is at school or away from home. I don't find it takes a lot of time to do this; it is just that you can't forget about the time. So alarms and timers are set while at home and we go about our business until we hear a ring. With the cgms, and a baby monitor, that does a lot of the work for us. Still cannot get the results from cgms that some parents here do, but it is an improvement. Just doing the best we can with the circumstances we've got. I do dread turning D over to her to manage (and that time is coming). She definitely will not do all that we do. Hoping the Artificial Pancreas is out to do the job for her when the time comes (I keep hearing that "five year" timeframe). Or maybe a noninvasive cgms. Smart insulin. Something....

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