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Embarrassed, stressed and missing the old "me"

Discussion in 'Parents Off Topic' started by MamaTuTu, Jun 25, 2011.

  1. MamaTuTu

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    1) I feel really crappy about my overreaction to a discussion about infant formula maybe causing diabetes... Ive been thinking about it and Im just so embarrassed. I dont have much more to say about it except I sounded like an idiot (and maybe I do again now...idk)

    2) I feel like I take one step forward and ten back. Since dd dx I have had a totally clean house maybe twice. The laundry is a mountain in my room pretty much every day, I want to take care of it but I also just dont care till the time I get a call from dh that he will be home soon. I feel so guilty that hes out working in the heat and Im just feeling sad and not being the wife I was. I stress about my children's diet, sometimes they eat great but I cook chicken nuggets like 5 time a week for lunch and I know its crap but its easy. I feel so out of (I guess the word Im looking for is) control... Im not myself Im so overwhelmed. I love my children so much and I use to think I was a great Mom it was the one thing I was proud of myself for but more often than not I feel like a failure. Before I go to bed I tell myself all the things I need to do the next day and really talk myself into believing that it will be a better day. Then Im up much of the night and too tired to do what I wanted to do the night before. I feel so alone, that no one likes me and then silly for thinking this way because its pretty dramatic. I feel like a different person and my old self is screaming at my new self to get a grip. I never could stand dramatic people but now I think like one 99% of the time. I hate when people feel sorry for themselves and now I feel sorry for myself. I cant believe I feel how I feel... I dont just sit and cry (all the time) I keep my kids busy as best as I can but not as much as before. I use to read to my son every night now it doesnt happen very often and its my fault I know it and yet well Im just tired. I worry my dd with get bottle rot teeth because when she is low at night I give her a bottle of milk. I worry that my kids will think Im a bad mom when they grow up and look back. I just want my old self back I was optimistic, too happy for some people to stand, and care free. This new reality is hard for me.
     
  2. Lisa P.

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    1. Reacting in a thread and then thinking twice -- pretty standard fare around here. You're going to have to do much, much better than that if you want to even be a contender in the overreaction competition here. I like to think everyone knows I'm the frontrunner. .

    2. Daily life -- I read a story once, wish I could remember it well enough to tell it properly. Essentially, guy has to walk across a room full of demons, devils, ghosts and monsters. Everyone before him has failed. He makes it. When he gets to the other side, he's asked what he was aiming for, what his goal was, how he dealt with those scary things, what he thought. He says, I didn't do any of that. I only concentrated on the next step. Then when that was taken, I only concentrated on the next step.

    That's just where you are right now. You concentrate on one step at a time. The only goal you have to have is to, no matter how much you slow down, simply never stop. Then one day you'll be on the other side and you can worry about other stuff again. Until then, you just give yourself a break and keep those feet moving.
     
  3. frizzyrazzy

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    (let me preface this post by saying, if you want {{{{ hugs****** then don't read on. I don't hand them out much. :) This is more a kick in the ass post and if that is ok read on then...)

    ok, dx is still new, it's still raw, but look - the old you, the old family -the one that didn't have a baby dx with diabetes-is gone. That family is gone. Grieve and do what you must, you can't go back. You can only move forward. Getting this dx is like a death in lots of ways. You - the mom without diabetes - is dead. You can't have her back. All you can do is create a new you, a mom of a child with diabetes. You will relearn. Just like when you went from being a single person to a mom (even though that was a good change) I bet you had to grieve a little, I know I did. I missed the "single me" when Dh and I could sleep in every day. Now it was getting up at night to feed a baby, no more spontaneous trips, etc. Then diabetes hit, and I grieved again. I wanted my old life back. But you have to move forward. YOU HAVE NO CHOICE.

    So I would say forget what you used to do, make a new path for yourself. Do the laundry..differently, play new games, take new walks, create new meals. Yes, it's hard. But it's so worth it.

    (have you heard the poem "Welcome to Holland"? pretty much sums it up)

    c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved

    I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

    When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

    After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

    "Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

    But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

    The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

    So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

    It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

    But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

    And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

    But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

     
  4. obtainedmist

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    I love the poem.

    Not to overreact myself, but you sound depressed. Do you have a doctor that you really trust to talk to and maybe look into some talk therapy with a psychologist and perhaps an anti-depressant? It might be worth a trial for a month and a half or so (that's how long they take to work). I don't want to jump the gun, but it's so hard to read between the lines on an online forum and I don't want to underestimate your anguish. Sometimes it's just impossible to "snap out of it" by yourself. If you are feeling that way, please look for some outside help. You deserve to be taken care of too!
     
  5. buggle

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    Amy, I didn't have it together before I had a kid with diabetes, so you're already one step ahead of me! :)

    I had a very hard time accepting this unwelcome change in my life and I had an older child -- he was 8. So, I can't imagine how hard it must be to deal with all the fear and uncertainty of a new diabetes dx with a toddler. It just sucks, and Michelle is right. At some point, you have to realize that your old life is over -- I begrudgingly accepted diabetes, but it's been a long, difficult acceptance. We all have our own way of adjusting and adapting, but don't beat yourself up about it. If your house isn't perfect and your kids aren't eating homemade, healthy food every meal, it's not the end of the world. It's more important to be up during the night to check on your child, than be rested so you can have a perfect house. You're doing what you have do and you can't do everything, just like all the rest of us. So, cut yourself some slack. Sleep deprivation makes a person goofy and scattered, which I prove each and every day. I try to laugh at myself and see the humor in it. And I know everyone says it, but it's true -- it gets easier over time.
     
  6. Becky Stevens mom

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    Oh bless your heart:cwds: First of all, the fella that posted the thread about formula is a friend of mine, he and his wife have an adorable little girl with type 1. I think she is not much older then your baby. He understands as he is going through many of these same feelings.

    For months after Steven's diagnosis I felt physically ill most days:( I compared the feeling to being kicked in the stomach, hard. And having the rug pulled out from under me. My marriage was a mess at the time, I had an older son to care for and had just lost my Father a couple years before Steven was diagnosed. I got mad at God and asked why he felt that I needed more sh** on top of an already huge pile of it:mad: I think its so natural and normal especially for Moms to take on this big load of guilt. I know it is for me. I read that cows milk protein might cause d, hated myself cause I formula fed. Read that c-sections might cause d, yep, had Steven by c-section. I found that obsessing about the I should have, if onlys and I am such a piece of sh** for not _________ was really hurting me, emotionally and physically. I found a really wonderful therapist who helped me out of the hole. And I found CWD and FB with all the wonderful people who I now share this journey with and can honestly say that Im doing ok. Not over the top happy cra**y all the time but most days are pretty damned good.

    I want the days to start being good for you too. First off, you are perfect for your kids and they adore you just the way you are. And in all of the world, you are special:cwds:
     
  7. caspi

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    I honestly don't think you over reacted in your reply to the formula thread. I had the same concerns until I learned that this study was actually a "real" study and not some half-witted article that we all see from time to time. So please don't beat yourself up over that.:cwds:

    We are coming up on 5 years this October that my son was diagnosed. I can honestly tell you that it is a process and there are good days and bad days. I personally don't like to dwell on the "gloom and doom" and like to think positively, but we all have those off days from time to time. And that's okay!

    We are far from perfect but I think it is important not to get too caught up in the downside of diabetes. I have read so many posts on Facebook about how sad and horrible things are for some people, and that's not healthy! Our kids CAN and DO live happy, healthy, normal lives. That is what you need to focus on!!! :cwds:
     
  8. denise3099

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    You know what was hard for me, oddly? When my dd got glasses. ds had peanut alergy and adhd and aspergers, the dd had peanut allergy, and D, then asthma. Then her tummy hurt all the time and she needed an endoscpy, and her thyroid seemed enlarged. . . blah blah blah. And then she needed glasses! I was like, What the F!!! Really!?!?!? This kid is falling apart one organ system at a time!

    And the funny thing is that I expected both kids to need glasses eventually b/c I've had glasses since I was 2. Dh wears glasses too. So this shouldn't have been a shock, but still it was just the last straw.

    And then life just moved on to something else. . . so here we are. And she looks too cute in her glasses. :)
     
  9. StillMamamia

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    Hey:cwds: I didn't read all the posts on the other thread so I can't give my opinion on your post, but that doesn't matter. There's no lock thingy on the thread, so I guess it's not that bad.:D:D Just kidding! Don't fret over that. I've had my share of less than dignified posts and hey, life goes on.

    My MIL dropped by unannounced a couple of weeks ago.:mad: I was literally in my undies and T-shirt. (TMI, right?:eek:) My goal of being the perfect mom/housewife/etc was reduced to my trying to hide behind the door, while answering it, and my MIL asking what was wrong and me replying "I'm in my underwear. I haven't gotten dressed up yet." Ok, no problem, I run upstairs to put on some jeans, come down and MIL is standing in the middle of the kitchen and looking at the GINORMOUS pile of dishes on the sink, the playdoh bits stuck to the floor, the kids barefoot, in their undies and t-shirts too still, and boxes of pizza on the table.:eek: I think i was as red as a tomato and blurted out "Pump problem. Highs overnight. I went to bed at 4:30am, and the kids got up at 6:30am and I haven't done anything" Obviously, duh! Me again failing to show how collected I could be and how well I could manage everything, to my MIL, Mrs. Perfect from Judgmenttown.:eek:

    Anywaym she left soon after since it was obvious I was a tad stressed. When I closed the door, I thought "Scr*w this! I was up most of the night making sure my kid was ok and I work hard at making sure he's ok every single day. The effing playdoh and dished can wait." And they did.

    I gave up on perfection a while ago. It stressed me out too much. I'm still embarrassed by can give myself pep-talks now.

    And I stopped ironing most of my jeans. Apparently that was not normal.:eek:

    My point? Beats me, I just ramble sometimes. I can understand you, though, like we all can. Concentrate on what you can do, not on what you haven't done. At the end of the day/week/month, you've done more than you thought. And don't expect perfection. And be kind to yourself.:)

    PS - I'd normally go and correct the typos, but they'll stay to make a point. ;)
     
  10. Kelly.Marie

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    I was thinking of what to say but, StillMamamia said what I was trying to say perfectly. (I used to iron my jeans until my SIL noticed and told me I was nuts).
    Jack was dx 3 years ago and just the other day I was looking around my house and at my un-pedicured toes, my white roots and my three piles of laundry and was remembering when both my house and myself were totally put together. Every now and again the old me comes to mind and I get so sad for a day. DH comes home and dinner is not made, kids not dressed....
    And then Jack tells me "you're the best mommy, I love you". So, I go take a shower, a deep breath and start over again. Oh and when I start feeling like I'm in a funk, I turn up the radio and we sing and dance.

    What you're feeling is, I think, totally normal. Life will never be what it was. But, it will fall into place. One day you will wake up, shake it off and take it all on. And them you will feel great.
    Right now, all that matters is checking blood sugars, correcting lows/hi's,d counting carbs and loving your babies. Your children will NEVER look back and say hm, my mom had a pile of laundry in the laundry room.
    Big hugs, lots of love, a big smile and a good laugh. Oh, and a nap always helps.
     
  11. MamaTuTu

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    I like the poem, it's beautiful. Its difficult to really express how I feel. I dont sit and cry I get out and take care of stuff and do things with my children but mostly alone. My husband works a lot during the summer in Fl he is a HVAC tech. There have been many days that life is just "normal" where I dont feel like this, but I just am not use to dealing with feelings I do have now that seem to pop up. Yes maybe I need some sort or antidepressant or something natural that can help me deal with stress. I dont know what the heck is going on with me. I do have to say that managing my dd with diabetes isn't the "hard" part for me I can count, add, and inject and her BGs are mostly good so Im not sure what all my "drama" is about.

    I am going to go grocery shopping and just focus on that and only that! One step at a time ;) (that is great advise) I will write down what I need to do, and what I want to do and maybe rotate them.

    Thank you all who listen and for your advise. It does make me feel better, so thank you!
     
  12. Lisa P.

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    Part of what happens, imo, is that if you have had a relatively "drama free" life this kind of thing can really throw your world view. You just didn't think the world really worked that way, that a little kid could be in this position. It changes up your way of looking at the world.

    In the end, that's not a bad thing. It gives you a clearer perspective on how the world really is. It helps you understand the burdens others face. It helps you realize that you don't really know and understand it all, you haven't got it all figured out, the universe holds mysteries we can't begin to grasp. In a way, it helps us grow up. But the transition is a shaky time, all the stuff you thought you knew you aren't sure about anymore.

    Plus, all the cracks that were there before that you were able to successfully pretend were not there, it's hard to paper over them now.

    When Selah was diagnosed, it was part of a series of events for us that changed our way of looking at things. We made a lot of changes to our lives, really the right thing to do that we should have done two decades ago. But we were comfortable, and that made us afraid of change. When these shaky things happened, our comfort went away, we realized we'd been building a house of cards on sand. It wasn't that the earth suddenly became sand, it's that we were suddenly able and willing to see that it had always been sand. It brought us great things. But it sure shook us up.
     
  13. StillMamamia

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    Just wanted to add that kids aren't supposed to get stuff like this, right? It's not "just". But it happens, and when it does, it blows us and we become powerless and we realize we can't make this ouchie go away. That's a tough part to accept, and probably the biggest hurdle to get over, IMO, and one over which i'm not sure I'm over yet. Life suddenly becomes very real with a dx like this. Too real and we may go into panic/denial/angry mode. It's normal, I think, but it's also normal to seek help if you need it, as it is normal to say Duck Fiabetes sometimes.

    I really like that poem about Holland, though, having been there in RL, I don't like the food.;) But the windmills, flowers and beaches are nice.
     
  14. monkeyschool

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    I've been reading the replies before posting and I have to admit some have brought me to tears because they replicate my feelings exactly. I used to be an 'all-together' mom. I used to work 60+ hours each week, have a perfectly clean house, fully caught up on laundry, fully stocked fridge, etc. My house started looking a bit more shabby when I started homeschooling. You would think being home would give me more time to pick up, but having them home gave them more time leave messes, dirty dishes, clothes, etc. My DH got angry that things weren't done, but I just could not do it. I didn't have enough time in my day or evening because the kids started a whole slew of things with 'their' new time. I realized after much crying and beating myself up that I was seeing my kids and enjoying them where prior to that I didn't get to spend time with them.

    A few years went by...the dishes got done, the laundry got done although not always put away on the same day, the floors got swept albeit a little less frequently, etc DH was still not happy, but I could deal just fine.

    Then hit dx. Home life totally fell apart. The laundry piled up, DH started picking up some of the dishes and putting the baby to bed, but everything was still chaos. I wanted to get it all back together, but I also wanted to make sure DD would not skip a beat so her life would seem normal to her...so we plodded on. A very upset DH who doesn't get it....he is in bed by 10PM, has no idea what I do overnight...case and point just this week asked 'What are ketones?'. I spend all day with my kids without a single adult to talk to. I take them back and forth to activities, do their schooling, and do as much as I can of the house work. But without fail each day something comes up, be it a low, a high, a blown diaper, a fall, a special meal, a lost shoe, a non-working washing machine, etc It's not that I don't want to...I just can't get it all done.

    You are not alone (in the sweet voice of Michael Buble). I ditto what others have said about not beating yourself up over it. Music does help (me). What helps me the most is when I can have a few moments alone to just think, be, prepare, cry...but those moments are very rare for me and tend to only happen when everyone is off to bed and I sit at the computer reading here or uploading some pix to FB for family. This too infuriates DH because I find time for it, but this is time I need...away from 'D' even thought it's usually time waiting for a 3am check :(

    My house is still a wreck (compared to what it used to be), my DH is still pissed, my laundry still doesn't get put away each day, I still don't get to dust, clean windows, have a spotless oven, etc....I try to do some FlyLady, but I just can't get it all done. I've gotten to the point that I don't really care whether DH is pissed, frankly I am pissed that having a child dx with diabetes has not affected him the way it's affected me. I am pissed even DH is not an adult worth talking to because he doesn't understand. I feel like I live in my own separate planet from everyone else most of the time. DD gets upset when dad keeps offering her bread, or dessert, or seconds and she has to keep saying 'I didn't shoot for it'....this is how disconnected even the closest people seem to be. So a little laundry, some dishes, even toilets cleaning can be picked up by others if they are so upset by them....that's what I repeat to myself when things are bad...."I can't get to this today....it will be there still tomorrow so I can do it then (my children may not be..they need me now). If that dish or that sock bothers someone so badly they are not handicapped, they can pick it up, throw it out, push a button on the wash, etc). Someday when the kids are grown maybe I will get things 'better' for others again. Right now they are the best they can be for me, that's the best I can do.

    Hugs your way as you find your way...I am right there with you.

    PS. Don't fret over the posts (I don't think I read the specific one you are referring to yet). Everyone sees things differently and we will always run into disagreements when it comes to things that are heartfelt by many. The next post is a new post ;) Sometimes we type when we are in a hole, our posts show it, but others don't really see it. Sometimes we react because we disagree, or we feel insulted, overun, misunderstood, etc....our words represent our state of mind as much as the input we are trying to give. And our readers may be seeing it in a completely different state of mind and react from that. This board I find is like a sanity and insanity check in one. Sometimes I read replies and they irk me, other times I may read the same replies and I can see the point, or sympathize even when I don't. There is anger, heartfelt responses, stress, fear, justification, etc all coming in when people right here...I expect many more posts when people will jump all over my neck, many where I won't agree with some, many where I will be in agreement, many that will make me cry, etc. That is just where we are at the moment.

    I can't recall who posted the poem....I love it.

    My time is up, lol Kids baths are up....have to start breakfast.

    PS. I had a 52 overnight tonight after a 145 going to bed number. I freaked out a bit and was up more often than normal. I am very 'down' today as my thoughts go to 'what if I hadn't check at that time, what if I missed the alarm, why can't I get that f'g cgm?'.....I will go downstairs now to kids and a DH that had a nice long night of sleep and they will have no idea what the hell is wrong with me.
    D.
     
    Last edited: Jun 26, 2011
  15. Tigerlilly's mom

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    As previously said, you said depressed to me. I hope you are able to find time to make an appointment and speak with somebody (I know sometimes finding time for ourselves is tough, but this should be well worth it)

    Having a child diagnosed with any chronic disease is difficult. Knocks you down and it's tough to get back up again. But your a mom you have no choice...it's time to stand up, dust yourself off and get on with enjoying life.

    We all have times when our laundry piles up, our houses are a disaster and we feel completely overwhelmed by everyday household tasks and when there is so much more going on such as diabetes etc., it can seem like it is impossible to get it all done. Tackle one thing a day and catch up, establish a simple routine that helps you get the everyday tasks done and worry about the larger projects if and when time allows. On days when the housework seems a bit too much and is making your day sad...pack up the kids and go to the playground...run around, swing on a swing, go down a slide, have fun, smile and laugh....then go home and deal with the house.

    I hate to say it, but diabetes is going to be a part of your everyday life for a very long time, there will always be a new challenge, new firsts as your child grows older, you need to not dwell on this, you need to just deal with one blood sugar, meal, insulin shot at a time. Treat the low/high and move on, if we spend all our time dwelling on every little number then all the good things in life are just going to pass by without us even noticing.

    It is what it is, and we have to make the best of what we are given.
     
    Last edited: Jun 26, 2011
  16. MyBoys'Mom

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    As usual, I love what Lisa P. said. We were hoping we were finishing a difficult few years when dx came along. I had been living a nice little life that, once things fell apart, I realized totally wasn't working and wasn't "nice" at all.

    Our difficult time really hit when our oldest, then 16, called one day and told me he wasn't coming home. He did, of course, but it was a few days later. We found a nice little rehab for him :(. I spent the next few months helping my mom take care of my dying dad and telling him that the grandson he helped me raise was going to come out of all of this just fine. My dad's cancer progressed and he died. My mom, my brother and I were all in the house when it happened. Considering it was going to happen, I wouldn't change that night for anything in the world.

    About 6 months later, my mom gave us money that was designated for a Disney trip. My dh didn't approve, but I went full steam anyway. I planned a trip we couldn't really afford. Well, the 4th day into the trip we took ds to the ER thinking his flu was getting worse and he really needed an IV. The rest is our shared history...

    We came out of this up to our eyeballs in debt. My dh said I had a "spending problem"... Really?

    Our life is different. I envy our friends whose lives are easy, but I know they really aren't underneath everything. I have a respect for the difficult things people are going through.

    My house isn't put together - it never really was. I did have help with this, though, through a website program I've been a part of for years and years: www.flylady.net. Check it out.

    My dh doesn't get it, never will. He's never done a set change (but is an expert in them). He doesn't get up in the middle of the night. He's happily asleep at 9pm if he needs to get up early. He has no idea what happens during the middle of the night with lows and highs and cat puke on the floor. I still get up and work all day, come home and clean and cook and pay bills.

    But, ya know what? I have a relationship with my kids that he never will. I take them fishing and swimming and to the climbing gym. We have inside jokes and memories and songs. I wouldn't give up that relationship for anything and I think D has made us closer as I just need to be there more.

    As eff'ed up as my life is, I am so happy. I grieve and miss what it would have been, I miss my dad, I wish my oldest was in college. But, that's that and I'm working with what I have... today, I'm ok.
     
  17. MamaBear

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    I've never read this before. Thanks for posting it. Stealing it and sharing it. I know some folks, though Non-D, who could benefit from, and relate to this poem.
     
  18. kgerrick

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    I soooo know where you are coming from and it feels less lonely because you shared your personnal story. Thank you!

    My youngest daughter was just dx'd 5/19. I think mom's really take on a lot. There are things that we have to do. And things that are not as pressing. I am really learning what I need to let go off and that is perfection. There is no such thing. This is a continous struggle. What is helping me is when I start having racing thoughts about all the things I have to do I stop myself and think of all the blessings I have. This has helped me. We all need a good hug and a pat on the back!

    I'll keep you in my thoughts!!
     
  19. Mommy For Life

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    i stumbled upon this post...just had to say how much i needed to read it too! going through the acceptance period is tough. i LOVED reading the poem! i really wish i was in italy but holland will do too....especially if my kids and dh are there with me. :)
     

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