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Do I always need to be the Parent In Charge??

Discussion in 'Parents of Children with Type 1' started by Kirsten, Nov 10, 2009.

  1. Gomod71

    Gomod71 Approved members

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    I haven't had the time to read all the responses, but I too am always the one in charge.

    I however learned a very valuable lesson a two weeks ago. Alexander had a terrible accident and had to be hospitalized and had to have surgery. I was unable to get a moment's peace, and I mean literally, as I was on constant watch of his blood sugar/diabetes, etc.

    I could NOT let my husband be in charge because he doesn't know enough. He knows the basics but no where near enough. If I had let him be in charge, who knows what would have happened to Alexander!

    Please, to all parents, don't let yourself get in the same boat if at all possible. I nearly had a breakdown from lack of sleep or rest. In hindsight, I wish I had taught my husband more, had insisted he learn more, and take more of an active role in our son's diabetes care. All's well that ends well as far as the hospital was concerned but it was very, very VERY stressful for me.

    That said, I should have just insisted my husband program Alexander's replacement pump, just to learn more about ratios, basal rates, etc. But did I? No. :rolleyes: I need to take my own advice!!!
     
  2. joan

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    Ditto, tried to give my son a piece of turkey for a low. They best way to avoid something is to do it really poorly. It worked.
     
  3. Kayeecee

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    This really hit a nerve with me. My daughter was dx'd about 60 days ago and I have been the primary caregiver since day 1. My husband is going to all of the education sessions and trying to 'get' it all, but one of the first mornings he was home alone with dd (I had gone to work), he left the house before she woke up to go to a breakfast. He wasn't there to check her morning BG, count breakfast carbs, nothing. I called from my office to see what her sugar was because she had been a little low the prior few days and found out from other daughters that he wasn't at home. His reasoning: "She was asleep when I left. I was going to be home by 8:45, so I thought it was OK". WTF????? Yes, my 12 year old was home and could have probably dialed 911 if her sister started to have a seizure, but is that really what a responsible parent should have done? My question to him was "what the *&^% did you not understand about 'life threatening disease'? And asked him if he was a **((*%% idiot. He's not, but I cannot understand for the life of me what was going through his mind to precipitate such a lapse in judgment. So since then, there has been a lot of stony silences between the two of us and a lot of going through the motions. It's really sad and very isolating for me to realize that even though he's trying to the best of his ability, ultimately I am the one responsible and there will never be a true moment's peace until this disease is cured. Not sure if we'll get through all of this as a couple or not and that is making me sad.
     
  4. Becky Stevens mom

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    Oh dear:rolleyes: Mine tried to tell me once that we had to give Steven more insulin if he was having lows. Even argued with me about it a bit:confused:
     
  5. joan

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    This is a very stressful time for you. It does get easier and there will be moments of peace. You are not alone as you can see from all of our responses. It was tough going in my marriage in the beginning because I felt trapped with all the responsibility but some how it worked out. Hopefully you have someone that can babysit so you and your husband can go out together. That helps a lot.
     
  6. Toni

    Toni Banned

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    Guilty of worrying more about rebounds in the beginning than I probably should have. I now know she has had rebounds but they are rare, very rare, for her. Sometimes it is hard to tell because the middle of the night is when they most likely occur. If I see a very high number, like 375, and I think site is okay, rebound will be my next thought. And, yes, if you are getting up at 5 am for work, hubby needs to step up to the plate. But every person handles D management differently. Frustrating.....
     
  7. Mom_to_4_Princesses

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    Kayeecee (((big hugs))) This is such a huge emotional time, isn't it? We had a good friend of ours come over and watch the girls for us (she was a nurse) because she INSISTED with everything going on, it was so important for us to take time for us, to remember we were still a couple and together in this and now more than ever we had to pull together.

    I know it gets frustrating feeling like you are the only one, and I certainly don't know your situation as well as you do, but I definitely agree about the taking time if at all possible for yourselves as a couple. Diabetes can feel like it's running your life and that you are alone. There are times when I have to just sit down and talk with my husband about how I'm feeling because I get so frustrated feeling like I'm doing it all. Anyways, I just wanted to send you big giant hugs. It's not easy but you aren't alone.
     
  8. abacobaby

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    Can I come join the party as well??? I'll bring lots of sweets and desserts:D
     
  9. Snowbound

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    I'm much more aggressive in corrections than my spouse but it's not experience, she's just more concerned about lows. Somewhere between our two approaches typically works out best :)
     
  10. kallygirl

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    Ok, I can still come to the party, but I have a bit of a success story!

    I posted something very similar to this a couple months ago and was at a breaking point with DH.

    We ended up sitting down and discussing it all out and now he is the primary when he is home. All evenings and weekends. He's doing almost all baths and site changes and is dosing and monitoring carbs for meals/snacks when he is home. Now he's the expert on temp basals and getting up all night checks. It is heavenly.

    Noticable difference in our relationship too. Sad to say it was feeling a bit rocky after 6+ months of me doing it all. The thing is that he now knows what I've been talking about when I said how stressed out I was and how much work it was. He didn't realize how much I did and how overwhelming and emotional a 33 can be!

    Just wanted to throw in my success since I was right with you guys! I'm bringing a chair and drinks and joining you anyways! :)

    Kathy
     
  11. StillMamamia

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    I'm coming to the party, just because I haven't gone out in a long time.:eek::D

    Best of luck to all dealing with this alone.:cwds:
     
  12. MaggieM

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    I am in this club as well. Have done everything solo since my lil guy was diagnosed. His dad and I are now separated. He totally abandoned me on this. There were other circumstances as well that escalated. He says now he wants to learn how to take care of him but I have to teach him. Now he wants to learn. That ticks me off. I learned from the Dr's, CDE's and parents here. I've told him to start going to the Dr's visits and begin asking questions, like I did to learn. 6 months later of saying he is going to do it... still hasn't happened. Guess a divorce attorney will take care of it.
     
  13. TimO

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    Ouch! I'm in murky waters posting here. Sorry if you're left to manage all the d-care, but I gotta put in a word for the guys on this site who get it and live it with their kid. I cried the day I had to give my boy his first shot and still do sometimes when I see those fingertips. I had him to four endos the first year, certain I could find a cure for my boy. When reality finally hits and you succumb to being powerless, it sucks. Period. Some people must think avoidance will make it go away, that's the only thing I can imagine.
     
  14. Becky Stevens mom

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    Tim, I think youre right about the avoidance thing. I know for alot of men, Im not saying all. They want to fix things. Thats what they are supposed to do. And they cant fix diabetes and make it go away and Im sure thats very hard for them to accept. Just as its difficult for Moms that are used to kissing boo boos and making them feel better cant do that with d. I think alot of it is communication. Im really awful about that myself, Id rather just do what needs to be done and not talk about it.
     
  15. momma_fish2007

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    This isn't a mom against dad thing, but a vent about the parent who has to do all the work for D while their spouse plays dumb. I love my husband so much and I know that the reason he doesn't do it is fear. He's afraid of making a wrong decision and sending our son low. He had a bad experience with Julian going low on his watch so I know he's scared but it's still hard being the one with the answers (however of a mere educated guess they are)

    DH just started work again after a year of unemployment so now he has an excuse a bit more :) But I'm in training that is mandatory for our clinic before we get to pump and it's kinda scary being the only one and knowing that if I miss something that something bad could happen. I know everyone here is here for me though :)

    So in conclusion, I hope nobody thinks that they're the ones we're yelling at. If you're on this site it means you're taking an active stance in the care of your d child.
     
  16. Bill

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    Diabetes management has added a new complex layer to our lives of swimming lessons, school, shopping...and raising three kids. We have had to decide who will take the primary role for diabetes, and other life events. But the management of diabetes has been a struggle. I currently do the majority of it. this past weekend, I had the opportunity to travel. It provided me with a much needed break. Although my spouse did things differently than I would have, I had to let go of such differences - Liam was fine after all :cwds: I must admit that when I got a phone call saying, "I don't know how much insulin to give" that I was taken aback.

    If you can, a short D 'holiday' might be in order. I came back after three days away for work meetings, and feel completely refreshed to help our DS manage his diabetes.
     

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