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Diabetes aside parenting is

Discussion in 'Parents Off Topic' started by MamaTuTu, Jul 6, 2011.

  1. MamaTuTu

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    Tough! My non-d son is 5, he is cute, sweet, loving, and def... Well not actually def but he does NOT hear me or he is just not listening. I feel like such a nag and I hate the fact that I have to get on to him so much BUT HE JUST DOESNT LISTEN. I so much just want to play and have fun with him but he is misbehaving. I try my best to be consistent but I guess we are having a power struggle. Is this normal for 5? Is this normal for boys?

    Today around 4:30 I sent him to his room for the day. Of course I explained to him why (because he is not listening to me, for what seems like weeks now) He had dinner and I go to him if he calls for me but I did this just because Im at my wits end. I called my Mom and she says "isolation" is not good but if I wouldnt have sent him to his room I whould have screamed. I dont like to punish in anger so I just needed him to take a break from the rest of us today. At this point his door is open he is happy and being so sweet talking to me from his room (now I feel like an awful parent :eek: ) but I come to the rest of you who may have been where I have fond myself... Any advise?
     
  2. kimmcannally

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    I think it's always wise to send him to his room (or send yourself to your room!) to avoid punishing in anger. Punishment is fine, but while angry is not.

    Has he always been this way or did it just start? J was born different, power struggles with him were epic and started very young. I think he would make an excellent lawyer! :D

    Do you tend to give him a string of commands all at once? I find with J, it's much easier to tell him to do one or maybe two things, let him do them, then tell him one or two more....
    Too many things at once freaks him out.

    Hope that is of some help :) You want to read some parenting horror stories, come over to my blog! :D:eek::cool: (in my signature)
     
  3. Lisa P.

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    Gordon Neufeld is good about collecting your child's attention to yourself. His web site has some audio downloads that are good.

    My middle daughter has low blood pressure, for two years she had not enough oxygen to her brain, it made her foggy. We didn't know at the time why it was happening, but I sat down with her several times about it and she "explained" to me that she just needed a pause on my behalf before she could process that I was saying something to her. I tried to learn to say something to her and then count to ten before expecting her to move or respond. Also, sometimes I needed her to look at me before she could process the request. It was very frustrating and I was tempted to punish her for not paying attention, but I'm glad now that we took a different tack because she was simply physically unable to respond any faster.

    Have no idea if that applies to your situation, but it's something to keep in mind, sometimes it helps to breathe a bit and sleep on it when this sort of thing goes on.
     
  4. MamaTuTu

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    OH YES sometimes I give myself "time outs" LOL
    He hasn't always been this way but always kinda spoiled from what family tells me :eek:, I feel guilty when he gets in trouble because in the past I excused his behavior to his age after all he is only now 5. I ask him SIMPLE things like for example "pick up your flip flop, and put it back in the car" it fell out when he got out of the care this was on the fourth he didnt want to do it he told me "NO" he threw a fit... My husband got on to him and he eventually picked it up but it was a small ordeal...

    I think he is at an age where he needs to be responsible for simple tasks like picking up a shoe that was accidentally knocked out with out it being a struggle. Maybe I needed to say "no" more often and am having to pay for it now...
     
  5. MamaTuTu

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    Im so open to new things and advise on how to communicate with my children. Ill take a look and lsiten!
    When my daughter was born I taught her simple sing language and it was great to understand each other when she was so tiny, I wish I did that with my son. Thanks for the advise!!!
     
  6. Lisa P.

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    Ah, now, seeing the example, I'm an old lady and I don't call that not listening -- I call that not obeying! In fact, I used the word "obeying" in public the other day and realized that probably makes me sound pretty tyrannical! But defying you, that's it's own story. Hope you get it sorted out. I know what you mean about waking up one day and realizing you need to adjust the rules because the kid is older now. They change too fast to keep up with!:p
     
  7. MamaTuTu

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    YES he seems to be completely defiant... it is driving me nuts!!!
     
  8. Lisa P.

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    Neufeld talks about something called counterwill that is perfectly natural and pops up regularly and is irritating as all get out -- might help you feel better if you hear him talk about it! But, yeah, it's crazy-making stuff!
     
  9. Tigerlilly's mom

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    Sometimes I think kids just want to make their own decisions. In a "tough"" situation I will give my child a choice...do A or do B, one choice is what I want, and the other choice is so undesireable that they choose my choice. I am giving them the "power" to make a decision but forcing their hand to actually make my choice. (does that make sense).

    I think kids are fighting for their independance and some control over their lives. Sometimes the smallest thing can seem monumental to them.

    Now I don't let this tactic be a way of life, so that they are making all the decisions, but sometimes giving them just a little bit of input into the situation can keep the peace.

    Also making things a game or race helps too. With the flipflop situation, I may say something like "I bet I can pick up the flipflop and get it into the car before you can"
     
  10. lynn

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    I think five is a tough age. Especially for boys. It feels to me like an age that kids need to begin to break away from mommy a little and become more independent. That automatically breeds problems.

    The example that you gave tells me that your son hasn't learned to obey you. My kids are not allowed to tell me "no" at such a young age. By not doing what they are told (even if they don't say "no" out loud) they are disobeying. That brings an uncomfortable response. I see no problem with removing your son from the rest of the family at times. Your job as a mother is to train your children to be honest, responsible, and hard-working adults. If he isn't trained to listen and obey those in authority, you are not doing him any favors. Good employees and good citizens require obeying authority. As he grows you will teach him to think about when it is wise to NOT obey. Right now he needs to learn to obey immediately.

    In your example, I would have told my child (my seventh will be five in a week and a half) to pick up the shoe. If I would have gotten the response you did then I would have bent down and picked up the shoe and thrown it in the trash. I realize it would have hurt me a bit to lose a pair of shoes for my kid but it would speak WAY louder than words every single time she had to take the time to put tennis shoes on because she no longer has flip-flops. I would sit my kid down and talk about the importance of obeying and how it is my job to teach her to obey. I had to do my job.

    It isn't easy. Especially starting at five. I think it is time to sit your son down and tell him that things are going to change. Give him a warning that you will tell him to do something once. Maybe twice. You will NOT count to ten (therefore not give him ten more chances). You know he is a good boy and you want everybody else to know it too. You love him too much to allow him to act the way he has been acting. Tell him what the consequences will be and then stick to them. I think he will flourish after he tests you. I firmly believe kids desire a boundary line in order to feel secure.

    Good luck.
     
  11. StillMamamia

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    Hi,

    I have a 5yr old and a 7yr old and let me tell you I suck big time at this parenting thing. There is no day which goes by without both getting at least 2 time-outs.:eek: They have 10mins sitting on the stairs and they get 5 additional minutes if they whine, continue crying/screaming/whatever. One time my oldest was sitting for close to 1hr....because I forgot.:eek::eek: But i was calm for that time.:eek:

    My 5yr old is probably the most stubborn kid in the universe (takes after mom...and dad), and it's a power struggle every single day.

    My 7yr old is also stubborn but he's at the phase where you can "discuss" things with him, and he also likes to show off to his younger brother that he behaves better:rolleyes:, so he's a bit easier to handle...for now.

    I see my neighbour's kids. She has 4 of them, and they are so darn well-behaved. Annoys me.:p But I also know that my kids have other qualities (like yours) - they are very generous, they never hit or make fun of other kids, they don't run across the road (OMG, this is a pet-peeve of mine - I see so many kids not obeying their parents and just running across the road where we live (quite a lot of cars)), they don't litter, they are kind to animals, they behave at school, etc, etc, so I guess a tantrum here and there (ok, daily) is not so bad, except it wears you out, you just want the Old Spice guy to come and rescue you and and and....kwim?

    So, yeah, I'd say it's normal. Acceptable? Guess you have to do your best, be consistent and hope the phase is short-lived.

    But like I said, I suck, truly, honestly suck at this parenting thing.:rolleyes:
     
  12. MamaTuTu

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    I am happy with the choice last night I know its only 9am but he is being nicer... Like I said before he hasn't always been so tough and he has always had little jobs like helping Mommy so my requests are not "new" just more often now and I think he is being defiant because of his age. Telling me or his father "no" isn't allowed but he does it.... He is very head strong and it takes all I've got to keep cool and collected. Sometimes I yell, I'm human :eek: ;) but I hate doing that because it doesn't teach what I want him to learn and that is to be respectful to not only me but all adults! He will learn because I will learn a way to get through to him! I think the old saying is so true "this hurts me more than it hurts you!"
     
  13. MamaTuTu

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    LOL First of all I doubt you "suck", you do time outs and follow through it sounds so that's big points on the not sucking scale :p they are also sweet too others, animals, and the earth so sounds to me like your doing a great job! Its also nice to know Im not alone and others think 5 is kinda a hard hard age. I know I will get through this and so will my son. I just hope it doesn't take too long. Its summer and I want to have fun but Im not taking him out if he is in trouble here at the house...
     
  14. hrermgr

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    Not listening doesn't stop!! I call it "selective hearing" and occurs at all ages....After reading your posts I noticed that your daughter was just diagnosed with D a couple of months ago. I am wondering if perhaps your son's behavior may be related to that. His perception may be that you spend more time with your daughter (because of D) and what he wants is time with you, too. I know and you know that D takes a lot of time and attention esp for a toddler but at the age of 5, he doesn't. Maybe try to have some "alone" time with him...take him to the library, out for ice cream, lunch, to the beach, just the two of you. Do this about once a week for a while. See how and if his behavior changes.

    Good luck.
     
  15. deafmack

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    I doubt anyone else has recommended it but it might be a good idea to have his hearing tested. Does he seem to hear you even when he is in another room? Do you have to make sure he is facing you directly for him to understand? If he has fluid in his ears or even something simple as too much wax it can make it more difficult for him to hear. I would rule out any hearing problems by having him tested by an ENT specialist and having a full hearing test done on him. Hearing problems can be hidden and one may not realize they have even a slight one but they can lead to other behavior problems as well.
    The others have also given you great suggestions as well. One game I have played with my nieces and nephews is called "Beat the Clock" When I would want them to do something such as pick up their toys, I would give them a basket and then I would set the timer for say 2 minutes. They would have to get the toys into the basket before the timer went off. They loved it and it made doing something that I wanted them do do fun for them.
    To me it is okay to be angry, but it is what you do with that anger that is important. Frustation is perfectly okay as well. Raising kids is not easy at all.
     
  16. kgerrick

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    Parenting is a thankless job!! It is tough but worth it! Our little angels need our hugs BUT they also need our Discipline. In fact they want it! You are doing a good job. What might be happening is that he is trying to get your attention whether it be for the negative or the positive. Right now he has chosen the negative. Keep up the discipline but also remember to catch him when he is calm and doing good. You have to watch for those moments and give him praise so that you can balance out the discipline that you have to give as well. This may help a little! Also take some time for yourself. We mothers have a tendancy to not take care of ourselves enough. Things will work out!:)
     
  17. DsMom

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    The behavior you describe can be completely normal for any 5 year old. However, it totally describes how I felt dealing with my son through the years (and this was not "new" behavior for my son, but a pattern from toddlerhood). His time-outs were becoming as much for my benefit for his...and his schoolwork was terrible. I suspected ADHD for years, and he was finally diagnosed last December. On medication and using other behavioral tools now, our household is much calmer and he is much happier.

    Not knowing your son, I am not at all suggesting this is the case for him. It is, however, one thing to keep in mind as you explore possibilities. Pay particular attention to how he does in school and talk to his teacher as well. They wouldn't diagnose my son until he was in school.
     
  18. Kyra's Mom

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    My almost 5 year old has trouble listening and this is not a new thing for her. We work on it all of the time and when I am talking to her I have her repeat what I have said so I can make sure she was actually paying attention to what I am saying. Sometimes she will be looking right at me and appear to be paying attention but she can not repeat a single word I have said to her. (hearing is fine we have had it tested) I find that having her repeat what I have said to her helps because I know she actually understood what I was saying and if she can not repeat what I have said I have an opportunity to repeat it without getting upset that she is being defiant.

    She also loves to say no but in her 2 year old class at preschool they did a whole week of manners and they were taught to say "no thank you" when they didn't want something. She always says "no thank you" instead of just "no". It took me a long time to realize that she was being defiant because there would be not temper tantrum just a sweet no thank you and a smile. We are not working on this issue with a sticker chart and it is working wonders.

    Good luck, the listening thing is so hard!
     
  19. Lisa P.

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    Oh, she's brilliant. :eek:
     

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