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Alex is angry and I need help

Discussion in 'Parents of Children with Type 1' started by Barbzzz, Jun 8, 2011.

  1. Barbzzz

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    I don't know if its related to her D or not, but I do know that prior to Alexandra's DX nearly 3 years ago, Alex was a pretty happy-go-lucky kid. Not anymore. Even when in range now, she's easily angered, and has a temper that flares up at the least provocation. She can be physically and verbally abusive when she gets like this. Even towards her father, she'll be verbally combative, answering back; towards me and her brothers, its worse.

    Anything and everything can trigger her wrath.

    I know if we were in the U.S. we could find a counselor or someone to talk with her. She doesn't have that here. We're all she's got. :(

    She doesn't listen to me at all, and I am finding it more and more difficult to cope. Sometimes its all I can do not to shake her senseless. :( It's gotten so that she's rude and disrespectful to me, and I am at my wit's end.

    I just don't know what to do anymore. It can get really awful. I told her once that I love her but sometimes I just don't like her. That night she asked me please not to let her die. How can I go on like this?

    I'm open for advice, suggestions, books, whatever. I'm scared that if I can't get her (and in turn, me) centered now when she's 10, what's going to happen when her hormones really start to kick in? :(
     
  2. Teacups

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    Didn't want to read and run. Sounds like a tough situation for your dd and the family. I'll be praying for wisdom for you.
     
  3. Connie(BC)Type 1

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    Oh Barb, HUGE Hugs!
    I've read this to mum, and she says, you're doing the right thing, Mum says if a parent survives this age to 15, they're martyrs. Continue being firm and telling her you love her. If she's venting and taking it out on you, it's healthy. It's more then likely NOT D related although , some of it could be, Mum says she went through it with 5 of us to varying degrees!
     
    Last edited: Jun 8, 2011
  4. monkeyschool

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    My DD12 gets angry and shows outbursts like this at times. For us these seemed linked to 'numbers' she doesn't like and how they translate to choices she tries to make. We've had days for instance where lasagna (one of her favorite foods) sends her up and she struggles with whether she wants to eat it and deal with the numbers or skip it because she hates seeing numbers that don't come down. If she has a day like that she is on everyone's nerves (and likely we are all on hers). I think many times she is evaluating things in her own mind and is angry the rest of us don't have to, so she takes it out on us. For the most part I can see it as it's happening in our case though, but I still don't let her 'get away with it' if she is taking it out on someone unfairly. I do tell her it's okay to be upset or angry, but that neither her siblings nor her parents or friends deserve punishment for what she is going through, and that she is making everyone else not 'like her' in turn. I don't know that it helps right away, but I hope it does teach her later how to deal with people when she is angry as she gets older. The main lesson I try to teach is that 'it is okay to be angry and upset, but it is not okay to be mean to others because of it'

    One thing I don't do here is accept the behavior that is not correct simply because she has diabetes. I probably sound like a heartless parent right now, but I find that it is one of those things we are stuck with for life and we need to learn to live with, rather than making life impossible for ourselves and everyone around us. For example, our teen girls will not like reaching puberty and dealing with their monthly issues, but they are stuck with them for life. The will feel miserable sometimes because of it, possibly skip doing some things certain days because of it, have food reactions because of it, etc , But, we don't go around complaining to everyone because we were born as females...or angry at others because they are not females, although I am sure many countless times we wish we didn't have to 'deal', but that is the life we are stuck with, and it does not give us free reign to be angry at everyone else not dealing with the same situation because of it...if you know what I mean.

    I don't know what the teen years will bring, but the issues we are dealing with right now in this regard (in my house) are not hormone related yet. I have a perfectionist for a DD and the fact that she is not in control is simply driving her nuts.
     
  5. JeremysDad

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    Unfortunately a lot of us have been there :(. I want to say that she'll outgrow it but every child is different and only a therapist or Psychologist could accurately diagnose what she is going through. It might be ADHD but then again, it might just be because she is 10 and is just going through a "stage". I vaguely remember my oldest non-D son being somewhat belligerent around that age. Having been Dx 3 years ago, it might not be related since she has had so long to adjust to the daily life living with diabetes.

    Hopefully you'll find some answers on-line but remember to consider all advice carefully since you might not know the exact origin of the advice and how accurate it would be. I think the best advice in your situation would be from those who's kids have gone through what your girl is currently going through.

    Good luck.
     
  6. Lisa P.

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    I'm sorry, this is tough. My ten year old daughter has some hormonal swings happening already, I think ten is too young to deal with those emotions well (not that any age is easy!).

    Of course, this kind of thing can also be acting out if there is something unknown going on in her life -- not trying to alarm, it's just always a possibility when there's an abrupt and extreme personality change that a child is being harmed or threatened outside the home and can't tell you directly.

    However, there's a book I've recommended here, it's a great one called "Hold on to Your Kids" by Gordon Neufeld. He talks about situations that sound very much like the one you describe, in fact he has a number of family stories in his book that mimic yours pretty closely. His theory on child development seems very valid to me, I think it's common to see the scenarios he describes in the most loving, responsible, caring, good families. It's kind of a by-product of the way we do things now, and he gives advice on how to "fix" it.

    Anyway, hope you find good answers here, I'm sure it's very hard.
     
  7. Becky Stevens mom

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    Oh Barb:( I left a message in FB. Has this been going on for awhile? Was she like this before Eilish passed away? Has she expressed fear about DIB or dying? Does she have any close friends from school that she feels comfortable talking to?

    There are a couple books that I would recommend if you can get a hold of them. "Raising your spirited child" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka is very good. And Ive also read "The out of sync child" by Carol Stock Kranowitz, M.A.
     
  8. kimmcannally

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    Not much to say, just (((Barbzz)))
    J is like this a lot of the time, but has been since he was very young. It was obvious within a few days of birth that something wasn't "normal" about him. Anger and lashing out are just a fact of life around our house. PM me anytime.
     
  9. meg9901

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    My DD11 went through a period at age 9,shortly after Dx, when she was extremely reactive and confrontational. We did a series of therapy sessions, and between that and her not wanting to keep going to therapy, things improved.

    At the time, our situation was that something relatively small (like not clearing your place after dinner) would excalate in a matter of seconds to a full blown tantrum. Then she would do something that would really get her in trouble, even though the initial issue was really small.

    The counselor helped her name the feelings and stress she was having and encouraged her to recognize when she was starting to feel stressed and angry and then try to relax and shift gears instead of giving in to the tension. It started with an activity called the "fear ladder" where specific high-stress situations she was experiencing were listed at the top of the ladder, medium in the middle, and neutral/low stress at the bottom. It gave DD a way to express how she felt in terms of where she was on the ladder (or a scale of 1-10 would be the same, right?). She still got consequesnces for misbehavior, but she understood things herself better.

    Within 4-6 months, things really tamed down. She's a joy to be around for the most part now. I know people here have said the opposite, but I have also heard that even before puberty officially starts, the hormones can be active in a child and impacting their behavior. I believe that.

    Stay strong, have hope, and keep talking with her in the calm times. Chances are she doesn't want to act this way either!!
     
  10. DsMom

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    My nonD daughter is 11, and we see glimpses of this type of behavior as well. I think the age may have a bit to do with is...but surely your daughter's D is playing a part. Have you had a chance to sit down with her when she is feeling calm and positive to discuss this with her?? If no, I would try that. Try to focus on your positive feelings of concern and wishes for her happiness rather than her negative behavior and your understandably negative feelings about it!;) She is still young, but may be able to articulate how she is feeling. Ask what she thinks you and she might be able to do to help her feel better (within reason...no ponies or IPads!:p) Ask if she knows why she might be feeling this way. Perhaps you can start out with asking how she feels about her behavior lately...has she noticed any changes in how she reacts to things? Keep the atmosphere as supportive and positive as possible to avoid it turning into a defensive conversation or argument. Stress that you are talking to her to try to find a solution to help her feel better...it is not a punishment or litany of her bad behavior. Let her know that you know she must not enjoy acting and feeling this way...and that it does not have to continue...you can find a way to help her feel better. Help her feel that you are a team working together to help her feel better...and that she is playing a role in finding the solution.

    Good luck. Let us know how your sweetie (and her stressed mama!;) are doing!
     
  11. Melissata

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    I highly recommend the Love and Logic books for this type of problem. I read a couple of the books and also took a class. I wish that I had done it years ago because the results are fantastic. You are no longer the bad guy, the kids learn that their actions have consequences, sometimes natural and sometimes you decide what they will be. Even though my daughter is a special needs adult, we saw an immediate response to using these methods. No more meltdowns and power struggles here!
    You can order a book from Amazon but here is a link to their site:
    http://www.loveandlogic.com/ecom/p-...ic-book.aspx?gclid=CK-TudrgpqkCFcJ05QodBxMPuw
     
  12. VinceysMom

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    Hi Barb, I'm so sorry to hear you are going thru this. I will say a little prayer for you both. I have nothing really to add, no advice other than to keep telling her how much you love her... one day, it will all kick in and she will realize how much you really do love her and how much you help her and how you are always there for her... could just be one of those ugly stages some kids go thru.

    All the best, hugs to you, Kathy
     
  13. Mimi

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    Awww Barb, so sorry you and Alex are dealing with this. I don't have any great advice (you've gotten some great suggestions) just wanted to add my hugs.
     
  14. sisterbeth43

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    (((((HUGS))))) Barb! I raised 6 girls and went thru this with everyone of them to varying degrees.
     
  15. dejahthoris

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    My eldest daughter went through the whole Satan's spawn/ drama queen stage. I think there is a book on it called something like "I Hate you, drive me to the Mall" or something like that. It takes YEARS, but they do grow out of it and you will be best friends again someday.
     
  16. StillMamamia

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    I'm so sorry, Barb.:( I have no advice, but do echo one of the posts about looking at other possible reasons - bullying at school, threats, etc.

    I hope you find a way to help Alex. I wonder if Gary Scheiner (I think you use his online services, right:confused:) could refer you to a counselor specialized in dealing with chronic illness issues (in case it is D-related).
     
  17. fredntan2

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    if she could just talk to someone? even if its online. does she have any friends with D? Do you think she is angry about her diabetes?
     
  18. DsMom

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    LOL:p:p:p:p
     
  19. Beach bum

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    Barb, I'm so sorry. We see this sometimes with Abby, but not to the extent you are mentioning.

    I agree with the others, is something going on at school that you don't know about? Abby is famous for holding things in and not telling us.

    If Alex is interested, we can hook the girls up via email since they are the same age. PM or FB me...

    Hang in there:cwds:
     
  20. Lisa P.

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    Another 2 cents from our own household experience.

    My ten year old tends to get angry or grumpy or snappish during times of uncertainty. She doesn't like change or instability, so if she sees her dad and me are having an argument or not getting along it can disturb her. If we're making changes in school or in scheduling it gets under her skin. When she feels she is "growing up" it messes with her head. Even good changes can upset her balance, she just likes everything to be the same same and she gets anxious, and that can come out as angry on totally unrelated things.

    Sometimes, when she's feeling anxious, she will push us with a huge temper tantrum in order to get us to come down strictly on her, no leeway, no tolerance sort of thing. Then the storm passes. I think she wants to know someone is in charge no matter what happens, she likes to see that we are the boss, then she gets to feel like no matter what's going on it's up to her "strong" parents to take care of it and she can stop worrying about what she is supposed to do.
     

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