Do you think I did the right thing?

[zell828]

So my stepdaughter went back to school this week (first week since being diagnosed). My husband calls my stepdaughter's mother last night to see how our daughter is doing. Mom tells us that the after school daycare gave our daughter snacks without insulin - two days in a row. My husband told Mom that she better talk to the school right away. Obviously her levels were around 300 in the evening with the carb snack not covered by insulin.

I don't know if I overstepped my boundaries as stepmom, but I emailed my stepdaughter's teacher today explaining what happened and that they shouldn't be giving her carb snacks. I asked her to tell the daycare to make sure to make note of this. I think my daughter's mother will be sending her own snacks now, but who is to say the school still wouldn't give her milk or juice? Mom hasn't said anything to the school yet and it happened two days in a row. Do you think emailing the teacher was right for ME to do?

If I had more control and we had custody (we're noncustodial parents) and this happened just one time, I would have been marching over to the school right away.

[hawkeyegirl]

Does your husband have the same authority as Mom does to obtain your stepdaughter's medical and school records? If so, they should listen to him as much as to her, regardless of who has physical custody. I'm not sure they're obligated to listen to you, but what you did probably didn't hurt.

[CC'sMom]

I don't know anything about custody and legal rights with the daycare, but I think you're one awesome stepmom!

[Heather(CA)]

I think it's important for the school to know about the snacks..How is your relationship with your husbands ex? Is she shy about letting them know? Is there a reason you have to think she wouldn't take care of it? I know it's hard, I do a lot of the "mom" things for my step-son. But, I am very supportive of his mom too. (We have him most of the time though) It's a tough balance. I know my sons step mom worries about over stepping boundries sometimes that I wouldn't give a second thought.

You obviously sent it because you care, hopefully she will appriciate it...I think your a great step-mom too

[Sari]

I think it is great you are so into your step childs health and well being. My concern comes when there becomes too many cooks in the kitchen kinda thing. Like will the mom tell them one thing and you tell them one thing and dad tell them one thing. Mom needs to get on the ball. Diabetes doesn't wait for a phone call to a school. She has to be on top f it ll the time.

Good luck

[momofphoenix]

IMO I think you did the right thing. Mom might be upset BUT she needed to take care of this ASAP.. Why didnt you contact the daycare? Tell them to NOT give her carb snacks unless ok'ed first? I would have done that rather then leaving it to the teacher.

[Charmed7]

I'm sure all three of you are overwhelmed. Coming together as a unit is best for your step daughter. I guess it would really be how the mother feels about your actions. She may feel like it was a slap in the face that step-mom took action before she could get a chance.

I would personally offer the help before doing it. If she's overwhelmed, you could say, "hey Joan, would you like me to stop in at the day care to make sure they know what's going on?" or something to that affect.

It can also get confusing if mom gives one instruction, and step mom gives another instruction (and lets throw dad in there too!) it's best to get on the same page, and delegate responsibilities.

I hear ya though, it's a tough spot to be in. It really depends on your relationship with the mom. On the flip side, she could be appreciative because she just couldn't handle the task at that exact moment.

Good luck,

Charmed

[coni]

Hi zell828 -
I realize that you are concerned for your step-daughter's health. You're clearly a caring parent.

I have a few questions/concerns. Even though husband is the non-custodial parent, does he have joint legal (decision making) custody? Or, does one parent specifically have medical or educational custody? It would make a difference in the approach with the schools I should think.

Also, since diabetes is a life-long disease, it might be worthwhile having a plan between mom and dad regarding communications to the school. I believe it's better if the parents - together or separately - convey the same message. For the child's sake, the school should not be put in the middle.

That being said, I don't necessarily think what you did was wrong, because you are concerned for the child. However, a step parent isn't a parent, and when we act unilaterally, we usually seem meddling to others.

My approach in step parenting issues (thankfully they don't include diabetes management) has been to attempt to influence dad and have him take action. Unfortunately, dad doesn't always do what I suggest Then, I have the painful experience of watching things crumble before my eyes without having the authority to do much about it. I can imagine this would be particularly painful if we're talking about the health of a child. But, the bottom line is, we can only influence. We don't have the same authority as if it were our legal child.

These are just some of my thoughts on the issue. Believe me, I have many more

All that being said, what do you think? Do you think the school will listen to you? Do you think mom and/or dad are okay with the communication?

[Abby-Dabby-Doo]

I would give Mom a call and giver her a heads up- so she doesn't find out from someone else.
I don't know how the relationship is between the two of you- but you all need to be relatively on the same page- communication is key.
You are a very caring parent, and I commend you for that. Let's hope she sees this the same way.
Have you given her the link for this forum?

[Mama Belle]

Originally Posted by coni

Hi zell828 -
I realize that you are concerned for your step-daughter's health. You're clearly a caring parent.

I have a few questions/concerns. Even though husband is the non-custodial parent, does he have joint legal (decision making) custody? Or, does one parent specifically have medical or educational custody? It would make a difference in the approach with the schools I should think.

Also, since diabetes is a life-long disease, it might be worthwhile having a plan between mom and dad regarding communications to the school. I believe it's better if the parents - together or separately - convey the same message. For the child's sake, the school should not be put in the middle.

That being said, I don't necessarily think what you did was wrong, because you are concerned for the child. However, a step parent isn't a parent, and when we act unilaterally, we usually seem meddling to others.

My approach in step parenting issues (thankfully they don't include diabetes management) has been to attempt to influence dad and have him take action. Unfortunately, dad doesn't always do what I suggest Then, I have the painful experience of watching things crumble before my eyes without having the authority to do much about it. I can imagine this would be particularly painful if we're talking about the health of a child. But, the bottom line is, we can only influence. We don't have the same authority as if it were our legal child.

These are just some of my thoughts on the issue. Believe me, I have many more

All that being said, what do you think? Do you think the school will listen to you? Do you think mom and/or dad are okay with the communication?

Agreed. I think that it is wonderful you are so involved. I also think that acting as a unified front with the school is the best policy.

I have other concerns though, too. Has the school received any education about diabetes? Is there a nurse? In my mind, all of this should have been covered before she returned to school. If Mom can't take care of it as custodial parent, then it sounds like a new custody arrangement needs to be worked out. Just my typical Mama Bear knee-jerk reaction here, so take it with a grain of salt.