Divorced families, kids w/ T1

[SuperGracie]

Anyone out there have any advice for a divorced family? My daughter was dx'd on Valentines day of this year. Her father and I have been divorced for 2 years. Needless to say this is a tough situation. He uses her disease as a weapon against me, constantly tells me that I'm doing a terrible job caring for her when he downloads her meter and sees highs and lows outside of her target range. He never misses an opportunity to tell me that she has "perfect weekends" when she's with him... the list of terrible things goes on. Anyone else have this sort of thing going on?

[piratelight]

I'm sorry to hear that this is happening to you. I wish that I had some advice for you. My ex just really doesn't get how serious it is for Hunter. Thankfully in our situation there are no overnights - just 6 hours a week if that. I hope someone has some advice for you. It's just not right, heck being as diligent as most of us our, the numbers on the meter still vary depending on so many things including the direction of the wind. Good luck! There are many great people here with lots of wisdom to share.

[rtread]

I have no advise for you.. I am not divoriced, but sometimes i wish i was ;)

If he wants to be that way, just send a differant meter with her when she is going with him. I know that is a little evil of me to say, but even with the best care there will ALWAYS be HIGHS and LOWS with diabetes.

Good luck,

Rania

[3js]

If he wants to be that way, just send a differant meter with her when she is going with him. Rania

That is an excellent idea. We use a meter for home, and one that goes back and forth to school. I`m sorry that you are going through this. Diabetes care is hard enough without adding in nasty comments.:(

[Lee]

I notice you are from Sanford...so we probably go to the same endo, may even have met at a class a month or two ago??? So, Dr Olshen told me and my ex and his wife, that there was no way that he would consider a custody battle unless the A1c's were over 10. That made me feel better. He also had no problem saying my housie is my house and his house is his. He said that he had been through this 100's of times and we didnot even get to speak. It is exactly what everyone needed to hear, along with a few other things. I think both sides were worried about loosing the battle, we split 50/50 and I hate every minute of it...but, we now have it working.

I now keep a log of BS from their house and mine, and I track how many times high and low at both. It always ends up that we are within a few percent of each other, so that gives me piece of mind. Maybe he is just seeing this as a way to keep getting at you. If you see the #'s (in percentages - not more highs or lows) I bet you will be surprised. And once YOU know that things are even, you can let it slide right off your back. Logging takes a hour a week for me now that I have it down, but it is one anxiety relieving hour!

Feel free to send me a private message and I will be happy to answer any of your questions!

[Caynuns mom]

Weekends are only 2 days as opposed to the 5 days you have her so your #'s are gonna have more changes. I'd take the advice of sending her with a different meter. I sure hope he dosent say those comments in front of your daughter!

[SuperGracie]

he does actually say those things in front of her. She asks me sometimes "mommy, is daddy upset with you?" I wish I could say that I was drunk the night we conceived her or even the day that I thought "he" seemed like a good idea in the first place. Maybe I'll just start telling people that... :)

[Ellen]

he does actually say those things in front of her. She asks me sometimes "mommy, is daddy upset with you?" I wish I could say that I was drunk the night we conceived her or even the day that I thought "he" seemed like a good idea in the first place. Maybe I'll just start telling people that... :)

Please don't diminish yourself in any way. It sounds like your ex is mean on many levels. Has he been diagnosed with a personality disorder :confused:?

[Lee]

I was thinking about the idea of two meters, one for his house and one for yours. The problem that I would have, if it were me, is that I would not know how she was doing at her dads. If I don't let him look at my meter, then I don't get to look at his...can you deal with that? I think not knowing would drive me crazy!

[Mama Belle]

I have lots of experience with D and divorce. I've been doing it for five years and it is hard. Plain and simple.

Personally, I think the two meter idea is awful (sorry, no offense guys ;)). I know your ex is an @$$, at least that is how it sounds to me, but hoodwinking him isn't going to fix anything. If my ex did that to me, I would be very angry. This is our daughter, regardless of our marital situation, we need to share as much information as humanly possible to keep her safe and healthy and well. Hey well-being is the most important thing, everything else pales in comparison. If that means I have to deal with my ex accusing me of not keeping her in range while at my house, then so be it. Using two different meters will only further widen the gap that already exists and that has negative effects on one person and one person only, your daughter. You want continuity of care between house. And to be honest, I'm with Lee, I would want to know what is happening at her dad's house, I'd want to be able to keep tabs on ignored lows and other potential issues. I'd want to know if she was low several times in one day, which might set her up for having a very serious low that could end up in a seizure or unconsciousness. And I'd want my ex to have that very same information.

Personally, I think you need to have a pow-wow at the endo's office and chat about this. He needs to hear that it is normal to have out of range numbers. He needs to see that you do a very good job caring for your daughter and that fluctuations happen in the best care situations. But it also may be helpful to have an open, honest discussion about why her numbers are better at his house. What he may come to realize is that in fact they are no better, he just has the impression they are. But, it may come to light that they are in fact better. This doesn't mean you are doing anything wrong. The numbers aren't the only indicator of good D care. For example, my daughter's numbers generally tend to be lower at her dad's house. But he sucks at testing for ketones when she's sick. He is horrible about re-testing to make sure her lows have gone up. He tests on average 4-6 times per day (on non-school days), where as I do twice that much testing, so obviously her numbers are going to be better at his house, half the time he isn't catching the "bad" numbers. But he also isn't doing a lot of the important stuff that could end up keeping her from ending up in an emergency situation.

Also, you may learn something about why her numbers are better at his house. When I realized that Sam's numbers were better at her dad's it made me feel like I was doing something wrong. But I wasn't, I was just doing things differently. I realized that at her dad's house she was much more active. Increased activity leads to increased insulin sensitivity and thus more stable BGs. Now that she is pumping, she goes low at his house a lot more than she does at my house becuase she is in tighter control (and for some reason he never sets a stupid temp rate for exercise, but I digress). The point here is that many things can alter her numbers from house to house. Why not explore what those possible reasons can be so he can maybe "get it" that you aren't intentionally letting her run high or low?

Also, I would highly recommend finding a counselor for your daughter. If her dad is making mean statements about you to her, that is very bad for her and will only get worse. Her emotional well-being is at stake. He should be able to figure that out, since he seems so concerned with her well-being. ;)

At any rate, I know what you're dealing with. It is in no way, shape of form easy. A lot of people think that when you are a D parent and divorced, that it makes things easier because you get a break from the constant care. And it is true, you do get a break. But the majority of that break is spent worrying about the care your kid is receiving at the other parent's house. Plus, all the other stuff you have to deal with doesn't make it easier at all, just harder. It is hard enough to get along with the school nurses, I have no idea why people think that ex-spouse would be easier than that.

ETA: In all fairness I should mention that my ex does seem to be much more on the ball these days when it comes to ketones and re-testing for lows. He has really made an effort of late. But it was a really an issue for a while and I think it helps to show that the BG numbers aren't the only proof of good D care. Also, if you have read this entire post, you are entirely too patient. :)

[karonray]

I am going thru this now. The kids father left last Dec. and we lost insurance for a little while. things got pretty bad D wise. But ..... that is THE one thing we do talk about, since both kids have D, its important to know what is going on.

Adam had horrible A1c's for a few months......Can we say "STRESSSSSSSS", gotta remember that the kids are having just as dificult time as we are.

Taylor had a problem with high cholestrol ( runs on her fathers side of the family).

During this time we didn't blame each other for anything. But then Taylor got really sick over at her fathers house and i wanted to strangle him. He didn't know how to deal with her D and the illness.I couldn't tell him exactly what to do becuase i didn't have all the information. I told him to bring her to me. I ended up taking 2 days off work to keep her outta the hospital. As mad as i was about this i also came to realize that it wasn't all his fault. This wasn't something he had ever had to deal with before. I had always been the one to stay up all night checking BS and making kids sip water to get rid of ketones. He had never done it.

Her being sick scared me to death.
Now if she is sick like that again she is to come to me right away, i don't care what time of day or night, weekend or work day.

So as much as i want to blame it all on him i can't.
I do have to let him learn what to do, also. But thats hard for me, so that may be something i have to work on myself about.

With the holidays coming its going to be even more stressful for all of us.