hmmm.... how to beef up a "bully target" kid?

[czardoust]

My son Austin (non-D) is 11. He's very skinny and short - about 4'8" tall and about 85 pounds, wears glasses, and gets picked on by bullies at school. He has ED (emotional delays), which I guess do nothing but make the bullying worse. What have you done to help your son get stronger? That probably sounds bad, but I'm sick of my son being attacked at school. Today he had his head bludgeoned against a rock outside at PE for the second time (this happened Thursday of last week too). He's been pushed and shoved in the hallway, slammed into lockers, into bathroom sinks, etc all year, since he started middle school. But its getting bad. Yes, I am making home school happen, but I want to know how to just ... help his self esteem, help him toughen up, see himself as the strong, intelligent, kind person that I see him as....

[Midwestmomma]

My son Austin (non-D) is 11. He's very skinny and short - about 4'8" tall and about 85 pounds, wears glasses, and gets picked on by bullies at school. He has ED (emotional delays), which I guess do nothing but make the bullying worse. What have you done to help your son get stronger? That probably sounds bad, but I'm sick of my son being attacked at school. Today he had his head bludgeoned against a rock outside at PE for the second time (this happened Thursday of last week too). He's been pushed and shoved in the hallway, slammed into lockers, into bathroom sinks, etc all year, since he started middle school. But its getting bad. Yes, I am making home school happen, but I want to know how to just ... help his self esteem, help him toughen up, see himself as the strong, intelligent, kind person that I see him as....

I am so so sorry your son is going through this...I'd be one peeved off momma bear:mad:!! My suggestions would be maybe karate or Tae Kwon Do classes if possible. Or maybe a kids oriented work out program at a local gym (do they even have these?)

Can I ask, was this bully punished for what he has done to your son ?

[frizzyrazzy]

well, I'd start by getting the school involved. PRONTO. Being bullied is not something he needs to fix, it's something that the school needs to fix with the bully. ie: IMO 'beefing him up' only makes him feel that this is somehow his fault: "if only I was bigger/stronger/smarter/less dorky then the bullies wouldn't bother me" and that, IMO is not good for his self esteem.

[Beach bum]

well, I'd start by getting the school involved. PRONTO. Being bullied is not something he needs to fix, it's something that the school needs to fix with the bully. ie: IMO 'beefing him up' only makes him feel that this is somehow his fault: "if only I was bigger/stronger/smarter/less dorky then the bullies wouldn't bother me" and that, IMO is not good for his self esteem.


I totally agree.

Get the school involved. If the school doesn't think there is a problem, contact the police. Bludgeoning is assault. No matter what the age.

The least of your worries is getting your son stronger. Get him protection from the police or the law. A school in this area wouldn't help a kid who was bullied, so the parents went to the police. The police actually had a protection order put out, the bullier could not get within 25 feet of the victim. Made classes hard, so school finally woke up and removed bullier from the school.

[LantusFiend]

Jodee Blanco came and talked to our school about bullying; a session for the teachers and then an assembly for the students. I thought a lot of it was bs, but the one piece of advice she gave that I thought really made sense was to make sure that the kid who's being bullied has an activity with kids who are not at his school where he can more positive social interactions. A drama club, book group, chess club, tae kwon do- but not one associated with the school.

In your son's case, it sounds like martial arts would be an especially good idea. My brothers attend a special ed school that has a martial arts after school program for people with and without disabilities that one of my brothers went to for a few years. He never got very good at it- he's really hypotonic (is that the right word? His muscles are floppy?) but it was good for how he thought of himself and for how others thought of his strength.

[Mody_Jess_Pony]

Why are the children who are bullying not being dealt with?

[nanhsot]

My son Austin (non-D) is 11. He's very skinny and short - about 4'8" tall and about 85 pounds, wears glasses, and gets picked on by bullies at school. He has ED (emotional delays), which I guess do nothing but make the bullying worse. What have you done to help your son get stronger? That probably sounds bad, but I'm sick of my son being attacked at school. Today he had his head bludgeoned against a rock outside at PE for the second time (this happened Thursday of last week too). He's been pushed and shoved in the hallway, slammed into lockers, into bathroom sinks, etc all year, since he started middle school. But its getting bad. Yes, I am making home school happen, but I want to know how to just ... help his self esteem, help him toughen up, see himself as the strong, intelligent, kind person that I see him as....

This is assault, I would have long ago filed a police report. I also would also make homeschooling happen NOW, my kid wouldn't darken the doors of that school ever again. I would use Christmas break to file whatever paperwork needs to be filed to remove him from that school.

But that wasn't your question, sorry! I agree with another post and think that martial arts would be an excellent skill, and I wouldn't approach it as a way to fight back (in fact good martial arts schools really won't teach with that as a goal) but as a way to gain confidence and physical ability. It's a great sport that teaches self discipline and focus.

Another thought is horseback riding, many stables work with kids with emotional issues, not sure if ED qualifies but it's worth looking into. Same with things like dog training, maybe he could volunteer to work in a shelter or agency that trains service dogs, there are all types of opportunities like that.

I also agree that he needs outside activity with kids not in his school, things like maybe robotics, scouts, youth band, etc, depending on his interests. I think that having an outside peer group where he is accepted would really help him feel that sense of confidence and accomplishment.

Poor kid, makes my heart ache to hear stuff like this.

[willie's mom]

I was also going to suggest karate. It is wonderful--if you get the right teacher. Akido is a great program that has a strong foundation in self defense. My husband is currently taking Akido and said he likes it much better than karate (which he took years ago).

[Lisa P.]

Horses and outside social activities are great ideas. It's hard to feel good about yourself when you're being slammed every other day, you can talk about it and understand it's not your fault, but deep inside it's hard not to feel insecure when that happens.

I'd look at activities that are mixed age, too, sometimes kids with delays are more comfortable with kids that are older than and/or younger than themselves rather than straight peers, where there is more pressure and competition.

I'd hope the school would help, but I won't be surprised if it doesn't. Police might be more helpful, but no sure thing there, either. Unfortunately, kids who are bullies often have parents who are bullies, also, and they intimidate the school officials with threats of lawsuits, etc. I've dealt with a school that advised bullied students to "stand up for themselves" more. A bullied kindergartener punched the bully and threatened to stab him with a pencil. The bullied puncher got the POLICE called on him. Turns out, the bully had a lot of clout in the community and his dad had the community kind of scared.

Hope he's feeling better soon, glad you're watching out for him. It's a rotten world when this can go on, good you're facing it.

[AlisonKS]

In your son's case, it sounds like martial arts would be an especially good idea. My brothers attend a special ed school that has a martial arts after school program for people with and without disabilities that one of my brothers went to for a few years. He never got very good at it- he's really hypotonic (is that the right word? His muscles are floppy?) but it was good for how he thought of himself and for how others thought of his strength.

my son just got diagnosed with hypotonia. I worry he's going to be a target too because he's pretty weak, skinny, and has diabetes on top of that. Right now his diabetes is sort of a novelty-he stabs his finger and blood comes out-pretty cool with kindergarteners lol. I think I'm going to get him in karate when my daughter can control herself to let him do a class without interrupting. Tons of people have suggested it.

[Mody_Jess_Pony]

As one who has been `that kid`who would rather very much like to have her nose in a book, `beefing up`isn`t likely going to help. I was a dancer, I rode horses, I did amazing photography, I was not and never will be much of a fighter, nor would I have been when I was younger either, I was just the sick kid, who was easy to pick on...and was all the way through high school. I paid for it emotionally, and have been in counseling forever, and will be as I sort out my adult life....
Homeschooling doesn`t feel like an answer, why should your son be removed when he is not the issue, the bully is. Why is always the victim that must pay....WHERE are the teachers when all this is happening?
I'm sorry I'm involved in starting programs involved with the prevention and handling of bullying....or at least were trying to get our campaign launched.....

but instead of trying to beef your kid up, how about finding an activity that he can flourish and grow in, like horse riding, dance, painting.... removing him from the school, seeking justice for your song by having the bullies who have done this addressed and punished/giving an education about why what they are doing are wrong, and concentrate on helping your son to be a strong individual and growing, but not 'beefing him up'

[Butterfly Betty]

After contacting the school/police and getting it taken care of on that end, I would suggest finding something that would increase his self esteem. Maybe an martial arts class or photography, art lessons, anything that he could do that would make him realize that he is an amazing little boy who does not deserve to be treated like that. But first, you need to go to the school and demand that they stop this behavior.

[sammysmom]

My husband is a police officer and has responded to MANY calls like this. The offender hardly ever gets away with it when the authorities are involved. You also need to speak to the school right away so that they can be aware of the situation. Once they are made aware, they are responsible for his safety. Do not look the other way anymore a complaint must be made and the offenders properly disciplined. My middle school son says that bullying is so bad right now that the school has started taking action against people who just sit there and watch a fight happen!

[Becky Stevens mom]

Most schools now have zero tolerance rules for bullying. They do need to enforce them and not keep ignoring this crap!:mad: Make sure the school understands that your child has just as much right to be there as any one else and that you WILL make sure the bullying stops. Bullys dont do it because they have low self esteem or because they are abused at home. For the most part they do it because they get away with it and they arent taught that its wrong and cruel to pick on people and put their scummy little hands on others. As I said "for the most part" There are bullys who are abused at home or have emotional issues but its not your son's problem nor should it be made to be.

[czardoust]

Thank you for the replies and ideas. Someone asked why homeschool him. Because he is begging me to, he's actually been asking me to home school him since he was in 2nd grade because years ago before he started kindergarten, I home schooled his two older sisters when he and Katerina were babies/toddlers. I would love Tae Kwon Do, and we do know a wonderful teacher, we used to have Amanda (our 18 yr old) is his class when she was 5. He loves anything to do with art and he is in boy scouts (he got his Arrow of Light last September, going for Tenderfoot next). He plays the trumpet, and loves that too. Someone mentioned doing the change over from public to home during the holidays - that is my plan too. My husband wants to wait til the end of this school yr - I say NO, because this is not acceptable. The school environment is out of control, everyone who knows the school sees that. Where are the teachers? They are in the classrooms, being ignored by authority defying students (some who already have a criminal record) who only care about their consequences, not any reward system.... The fights tend to happen in PE where there are 2-3 coaches with 175 students in the gym.

[wilf]

If he's going to be homeschooled, then it's pretty much a moot point. But if it doesn't work out, then any martial arts course would be good for his confidence and ability to defend himself.

[deafmack]

I would find out what the school's policy on bullying is. If they don't have an anti-bullying policy then they need to implement one. Bullying can have dire consequences for everyone. It should never be allowed at all for any reason. If your son is being bludgeoned definitely get the police involved. If the school is allowing this to go on hold them accountable.
At the same time, get your son involved in an outside group that does something that will build his confidence and courage and teach him to stand up for himself in a positive way.

[Bigbluefrog]

I agree martial arts! And protein drinks, weight lifting, find something he enjoys and having his own hobby that he is good at.

Build him up, emotional, physically, and being able to defend himself.

I would definitely get the school involved!

Nothing wrong with homeschooling, but I would want to know why this is not being addressed by the teachers.

[kiwiliz]

It's a pity a child can't be happy and safe at school. When your son isn't there the same bullies are going to find someone else to pick on. I would notify the school of the problem even if it was just to help the children who are left behind. If you are thinking of a martial art, which I think is great for every kid, then Aikido is brilliant because 1) you don't get hurt doing it - there is no sparring 2) if you are smaller you are actually at an advantage because you use your opponents strength and re-direct it - so you don't have to be strong yourself.
I always encourage my children to have friends outside of school - it means that if something goes wrong with one circle of friends - they have a backup. This will be very important if you are going to homeschool. You don't want to look at the move as "running away" rather something that is positive - a better education, more core study and more flexibility and more chancse to meet kids who are interested in the same stuff as your son.
Can I also add - guitar lessons are great! I don't know a "cool" kid who doesn't do something like guitar. There are lots of really small framed adults who front rock groups etc. I bet they weren't always cool - just when they picked up their guitar! LOL (Or drums but I won't mention that for your sake!:D)

[Beach bum]

I can understand you wanting to homeschool him now. TKD is definitely a confidence builder, my nephews both have been doing it for years.

I just think you owe it to your child to bring this to another level. Bring it to the police, again, as I posted before, this is battery. Bring it to the school and the school board. Why should your child have to leave the school in fear and have this kid(s) remain and continue to get away with it?

You are your childs best advocate, but you can be the advocate for many others too by stoping the cycle.

[sam1nat2]

Your kid was blogened (sp) and no charges were filed? I'd have charges filed against those bullies right away!!

I have heard nothing but great things about TKD and other martial arts.

We have a kid across the street that was a bit of a bully, but moreso kids bullied him. I along with other neighbors called the policy about 5 years ago when he came after our kids with a kitchen knife saying he wanted to kill them.

Fast forward---the parents put him in karate, I have never seen such POSITIVE change in a person!! This boy is so nice now, polite, respectful, I could go on and on. I'm certain that martial arts helped this boy who was headed nowhere fast to turn things around:D

[bgallini]

I agree that a good TKD or karate program can do wonders for kids. I also agree that something needs to be done to get the school to pay attention. Pressing charges against the bully might be the way to go.

[StillMamamia]

I'm so sorry for your child.:(

I'd be raising heck and more at the school, filing charges, and obviously, doing like you want, taking the kid out of school.

Why does your DH want the kid to finish off school:confused:

[DsMom]

I'm so sorry you and your child have to go through this. I agree marital arts can be a great confidence builder--but I also agree with the person (people) who said beefing up is not necessarily the answer. I would focus on his emotional needs right now. I would worry that trying to change his appearance might send the message that his appearance NEEDS changing. He is not the one who needs changing--it's the bullies who do. I'm certain you love your child just as he is--maybe he just needs to learn how to love himself that way, too. I can see why you'd pull him out of the school--if they're not doing anything, you need to protect him first. But I would still be yelling and raising the roof with that school even after your son is gone. Your child has the right to a safe, secure environment in which to learn--and the school did not provide that. If only for the other kids left behind who perhaps cannot be homeschooled--those problems have to be addressed. Your son should see that what happened was not okay and the people responsible will not get away with it. Good luck. It's such a hard situation--and those of us on the outside can't know what it's like. Just let your son know every day how great he is and how none of it was his fault. He's a better person than those bullies can ever hope to be--and he'll grow to be a better man, too.

[Joretta]

Just remember in school or out of school in most states the school must address bullying. I know in Florida parent or kids can call 1 800 speakoutif the school does not react in a timely manner. They can be fined. This might be a federal thing that I am not sure about.

[Ronin1966]

Hello czardoust:

Bullying is not acceptable, nor in any way "appropriate" for kids of any age. Does not matter what the reason is, or what excuse is offered for it happening. Your sons physical safety is an issue

Now putting him in a "protective bubble" is not a great answer either. Whatever challenges he faces, we all have them, and how to interact with other people is necessary.

Bullying must be stopped. He will not "like it" but, being hurt is not allowed. He needs to turn them in. You need to spend time in their office and let them know he's being hurt.

Toughening your son will not solve the problem. But giving him the tools, a skill to not be hurt will require some time. Self protection, self defense on the most basic level takes some time. It is not a magic pill one swallows and POOF he becomes "Chuck Norris".

What kinds of things are happening specifically? Same kids or different groups? Regardless you must start keeping notes with dates, times and places. Who was told and what they did about it :eek:

There are some things to help but very few can simply be typed... regardless I'll help however I can, ok?

[Ronin1966]

Hello Carolyn:

Any news where things stand re: your son being bullyied these days?

[deafmack]

First of all bludgeoning someone's head against a rock is assault and is a felony. Why is the school allowing this to happen? The school should be not allowing any bullying to happen in any form to happen period and that includes both verbal and physical bullying and if they are allowing this to continue I would go straight to the school board.
My Nephew who is legally blind and has other disabilities was being bullied in public school until he transferred to the state school for the blind. He loves it there and it was
the best move for him. He is doing weght lifting and really loves it. Of course he will never be really good at it but his self-confidence has increased so much it is a blessing for him.
I guess what I am trying to say, is two things.
1. Let the school know what happened to your son. Bullying is never to be tolerated and the school needs to have a strict policy on this.
Also contact the police department about this. At the least file a police report.
2. Having your son take some kind of class outside of school such as Karate, or weight lifting, etc will help build his self-confidence. He doesn't have to become
great at it but it will help him build friends outside of the school and it will help him a great deal.
Finally give your son a big hug from me and let him know I think he is awesome.

[Jacob'sDad]

Marital arts is fine, but it will destroy his confidence when he thinks he can defend himself because he took karate and then a bigger kid beats the tar out of him anyway.

The sh!t that is happening is beyond unacceptable. It is a serious crime. I would demand that something be done immediately (by the school) and would threaten to sue if they didn't comply. I would threaten to go to the media with it. I would call the police as well.

[Trev]

I hope the school is taking a large part in this. I think by trying to fix your son, I am worried you may be sending him a huge message that somethings wrong with him, when really nothing is. I say love like you are, tell him he is smart, as he is, and maybe exercise with him, like weight training, or something. Just make sure he knows he is not the problem they are. I am thinking about you guys. I was skinny in school, and weight training over a summer before entering highschool made me feel good about myself. I also got into Muay Thai boxing in my late teens, which made me even more confident. But these were all self initiated. Cheers and hope it work out for you guys.

[Lee]

Old thread - hopefully she will give us an update...

[Ronin1966]

Hello Jacob'sDad:

<<is beyond unacceptable. It is a serious crime. I would call the police as well.

No debate here. Filing charges would be reasonable and appropriate IMHV-fwiw.

And while training will not "guarantee" a specific outcome, it will balance the odds quite nicely if required. Training provides an ability to be far more efficent, and effective. Training is a tool which time hones...

[czardoust]

The last time Austin was beat up at school (which was two weeks ago), the principle called the sheriff and had the four boys arrested. Yes four, they dragged him to the corner of the football field and one held him down while 3 kicked, punched, and body slammed him. Why, because he spoke to a girl who I assume is/was a girlfriend of one of the boys. Austin got a little bloody but didn't pass out from that one. After that incident we bought his home school curriculum.