It's just not fair!

[Cyndi]

Yesterday my sister called and wanted to come get my 5 year old son. She asked if I thought Mackenzie would get upset if she came and got him and not her. She said it just makes her too nervous to take Mackenzie. (We stayed with my sister for about a month the end of last year and I taught her how to take care of Mackenzie so she knows how.) It made me mad and broke my heart for her. Of course it would hurt her. Needless to say I wouldn't let him go either. I just didn't think it was fair. My mother in law does the same thing. She wants my 5 year old to come to her house and spend the night but not my daughter. I can understand people being nervous with her but it just burns me up that no one even wants to try. I know it isn't fair for my son to not be able to go just because Mackenzie can't go. I just don't know what to do. I don't want him resenting her and I don't want her feeling like she gets left out because of diabetes. Did I do the right thing?

After talking to her a while about how Mackenzie would feel she said that she would come get both of them today. Well, it is today and I haven't seen or heard from her. She is the only one in our family that can care for Mackenzie. Mackenzie also loves her and her two daughters very much. She is too young right now to understand any of this but if she could it would hurt her pretty badly. It is bad enough that no one else wants to even learn to care for her.

Does this happen to anyone else? What do you do about it? She has so much to deal with already she doesn't need to have to deal with this too.

[WestinsMom]

Oh, my. I think we are just opposite with children's ages. Our oldest is D. So if I ask for people to watch the youngest, not a problem. Add the older one and I don't get such a warm reaction.

What we deal with most is that our inlaws live next door. Right now, they have most of the grandkids spending a month with them. Are mine included? Sure, we live next door, but they wouldn't ask if we didn't. I would not send my children there for a month, but it just pisses me off that they don't ask.

My sisters have never kept either of my children. In fact, the youngest hasn't spent the night anywhere but home. My oldest hasn't spent the night anywhere in at least 2 years.

[BrendaK]

Been there, but not with diabetes. When my youngest (non-D) was diagnosed with SEVERE dog allergies, and then grandma got a dog :mad:, we wouldn't let either child go there at all. Once they asked if they could take Carson, but I said no -- Henry is definitely old enough to notice. Either both boys or none. I feel for you -- that's SO hard.

[3js]

wow. that is so sad for your daughter. i think you definately made the right decision. she should not even ask to just take one- better that she not ask at all if she`s not up to it. you are a family- one doesn`t get left out because she has an illness.

[shirley83006]

know exactly what your talking about. my childrens grandmother will not take my daughter . i have to go spend the night over with her. she would take all of the other grandchildren that are not diabetic. she knows what to do. especially my daughter. she can almost take care of herself. but at least she has her older sister that will take her out.

[Noel]

You did the right thing...don't feel bad about it. I have been through this many times. I have even had some family members offer to take Aidan but not really want to learn how to take care of him?????????? I will say sure but I will need to show you some things 1st....they reply can't I just call you if I need you? UGH!!!!

I so wish we all lived closer! We would have baby sitters, friends and people willing to look after the kids with d who knew what they were doing.

I really shouldn't complain because I do have some family and a copy of close friends who are VERY willing to take Aidan for me. Even still it's still hard.

:cwds:

[Caynuns mom]

I feel for you! I have been away from my son once for 4 hours since Dx and he's been Dx'd for over a year! My parents wont take him either and my Dad has been T2 insulin dependant for over 30 yrs!

[caspi]

I completely understand what you are going through. And you are right, it is NOT fair! I could go on and on and on about how Cameron has been slighted these past nine months since DX......

Sigh...... it really would be nice to be closer to other families with D!!!!

[momofphoenix]

I agree with your decision. My son will be 8 next month dx'ed at age 3. He is an only child but there are 4 other grandkids and my father and his wife refuse to even look at my son, they spend weeks with all the other grandkids but mine is totally left out, I had talked to them about this and they explained to me that they didnt want to "catch" the diabetes :eek: I tried to explain to them that you cant "catch" diabetes but it went in one ear and out the other so i decided to stop speaking with them cause my son see's the differences in how they are with him compaired to the others and he would cry and ask why they didnt love him.
Thank god for my mom and step dad they use to take him everyday so I could go to work and my mom even switched her hours at work so that she was with him when I was at work and vic versa.
Unfortunantly we have moved out of our home state due to my husband being active duty in the Marine Corp. so I am now a stay at home mom/wife.
Jessie

[mrjester12]

My mother (this is mrjesters wife) did that before our son was dx'd. She would always want to take our son everywhere and was mean to our daughters. When we had to take our son to the ER we had to have her watch our 3 daughters, she was not happy about that at all. Now that our son is dx'd she took off to see her other granddaughter (my late brother's daughter.) staying there for a week and a half. Not even wondering if he is OK. We are also having to keep an eye on our 2 year old cause we have checked her BS a couple of times and it was,at one time, 194. She is usually around the 100's. Told our Endo and she said to make sure it don't go over 200 and if it does to contact her right away. My mother Has type 2 and I think she got mad at my husband for him telling her he is not like her and she got mad and think she might be taking it out on our son.

[Emma'sDad]

Wow, this thread hits close to home. My DW is going to have another baby in 2 weeks. Her last day at work was Friday. We pulled Emma out of daycare 2 weeks ago to stay with my DML to have practice in taking care of her. Everything went pretty smooth, a couple highs, a couple lows, nothing out of the ordinary (for us). I even went over at lunch to watch Emma do her own needle in the belly and make sure the calculations were done right. Found out this weekend that DML talked to DSL and said that it was a horrible experience always having to worry about her, not forgetting to check her finger, extreme highs and extreme lows. So of course my DW is all in a piff because her own mother can't take care of her child while she is in labour and delivery. I'm sad because what do I do? Bring Emma in the hospital to see her mom deliver? or sit out the birth of my new child? So frustrating.

[Tori's Mom]

How disappointing to have that reaction from a grandparent.

In our case, I feel bad ASKING someone to learn. I feel like we are imposing. There is just so much people need to know about our kids to be prepared to care for them properly that it appears overwhelming to most people I think.

Tori has only one grandpa. He is 79 and is nervous about caring for Tori. It's not that he won't or doesn't want to learn, he is simply afraid of something happening while he is caring for her due to something HE does wrong. I do not have issues with that.

I have asked my SIL to be a back up since we started pumping and she has been very willing to do so. She is type 2.

[Cyndi]

I also feel guilty asking someone to learn. I have mentioned many times to my mother and sisters that they need to learn. In the two years neither has shown any interest. My sister in law is getting married next month and I would really like to go with my husband to the wedding without having to fight with a 3 year old during the ceremony. I have asked my mother and older sister if they would watch her and told them I needed to start teaching them they both said okay. I haven't heard anything from either of them since. I know people are scared but it is like descrimination within your own family.

[MaggieM]

I agree that you did the right thing in not letting your son go. I think once your relatives learn how to take care of your daughter, then separate visits can happen.

I am certainly not an expert on this one since no one in my family, including my husband, takes care of my son but me. My daughters will do whatever when they watch him - but are most comfortable calling me and asking before they do anything D related - which is great.

Most of my family lives out of state. I have one sister who will take care of him - but naturally she isn't around him enough to feel comfortable. My mother and in-laws, who live close have shown minimal interest in learning. Honestly, my mother at her age is unreliable and I don't think I can train her. She fights me on many things I tell her and wants to do it her way. She just doesn't understand that she needs to learn it - she thinks she knows it all already.

I think the best way to get family/friends involved in your daughters care is to have them do the whole D thing in your presence whenever you are together. Just talk them through it but let them do the actual bolus/injection. They will only know it and/or feel comfortable with it once they do it and having you in the house will be having a hands-on expert talking them through it all. It's hard for you, sometimes it is easier to do something yourself then teaching others. But if you just say can you please do... They will look at you with panick in their eyes. But I kind of feel like you have to thrust it upon them to begin to learn. Kind of like the way this disease was thrusted upon our children and/or us and we had to learn. Just hand it over to them and don't give them the option to decline.

[MelissaC]

Wow - I am so sorry that this has happened to so many of us!

In my opinion.... It makes me sad that some of Avery's friends (not family since they all live so far away) dont want to be invloved BUT I try to think back to how scared I was when she was first diagnosed... Only with time and lots fo practice do I feel confortable in my own decisions.

That being said... just keep asking and try to keep a postive outlook for your child... I know that I would be more willing to keep a child with a chronic illness at my home now that it is a daily thing with us - I am sure that our families are overwhelemed and scared and are afraid that they will do the wrong thing and then be held repsonsible... Or maybe thats me weraign rose colored glasses;).... Just a thought!

Hang in there!

[kel4han]

I have done just what you did Cyndi. Same everything. Of course older sister non-D says it wasnt fair that she couldnt go, and it isnt....but she is older, and she knows it really isnt fair for Maddison who has "D". Hopefully she will learn compassion thru this, and not resentment. I have some family that I dread everytime they ask to learn, and I just dont want them too, and I dont trust them. I think that is wrong of me to deny them of time with my kids for my own sanity in her wellbeing and safety, but they just dont get stuff. Then there is my mom, who is such a panic freak, is scared of Maddison even though she has been married to my dad with type 1 "D" for 25years! So, what do you do? This is a very hard thing to deal with in our kids with "D" I wish there was a better answer.

[Emma'sDad]

My mom has been married to a Type 1 for 35 years and doesn't really get it either!! "You do things so differently." she says. Yes I do things differently. I don't shoot her up without question and make her eat and hope she doesn't go super low or super high like my dad!

[Heather(CA)]

I wouln't have let my other child go either, I'm so sorry about your experience...You would think with the invention of cell phones people would relax a little more. It's not like yur more than a phone call away:confused:

[mrjester12]

You know the funny thing about my family is that when we took our son to the ER and ended up having to put him in the ICU,my whole family learned about it the next day of course(we took him in at about 6 pm and didn't find out excatly what was wrong just an idea). When I say my WHOLE family I mean the whole thing, grandma 3 aunts 3 uncles,each of which they have 2-3 kids. ALL of them live within 5-15 miles from us, not a single call to the hospital,or visit or a card or a sign what so ever. They knew where he was my mother had told my grand mother who told everyone else. Even now that we are out and handling this not a word even from my grandmother. Everyone in my family is more concerned about themselves and each other then with someone (me and my husband) that got married at 18-19 now has 4 kids and doesn't have a really big house and bank account. That IMO is the worst thing ever.