abuse and possession

[geeme]

i know totally off topic but i originally came here for advice about my partner who is T1. and im sure this plays some part in the problem i am about to outline.

what i want to know is would you consider the following abuse or manipulation in a relationship?

some examples of his manipulative control are:

twice while in a restuarant he has sworn black and blue that i was 'perving' at the waiter which i definitely wasnt doing. both times he went into a complete rage and i consequently feel like i cant look any which way when we are out for fear of being told im looking at a male. he has also said this about me staring at a guy on the beach (apparently).

on new years last year i was wearing a mid-thigh length black dress which was in no way overly revealing. i was told the next day that i was a slut becuase when i sat down my dress rode up and a guy opposite me (3 metres away) was looking up it.

whenever we argue now, he tells me these things don't count because it is in the past. he says this about anything that happens. whether 2 weeks, 2 months or 2 years ago. it is like i am no longer alowed to feel hurt at these things. there have been countless other things that have happened in the 2.5years i have been with him and whenever anything happens now that he gets jealous or angry over, i lose it. i completely lose my cool. i fly into a rage and have even shoved him. i do this because when we have conflict and i try and talk to him about it, he ignores me or tells me to shutup and that is that or he'll say 'im going to say one more thing and then shutup and go to sleep'.

this happened a couple of nights ago. he had a mate over for dinner and the whole time he was degrading me and humiliating me in front of his friend. even the friend was uncomfortable. his way of getting out of it was that 'it was just a joke dont take life so seriously etc' but it made me feel like dirt. argument escalated and i got out of bed and said i was leaving. i have done this before too and while it may not be the right thing to do, it is my way of getting out of a situation i am not happy in. he calls it 'running'. but this time was different. i got up and he jumped up and shoved me over on the bed a number of times. when he finally stopped i got up and started packing up to leave.

i made a comment and he again jumped up, ran at me and slammed his hand against my mouth and threw me on the bed. i couldnt breathe and was screaming and crying. i have never been so terrified in my life. in that moment i felt like i would become a statistic. he finally stopped, got into bed and didnt say another word until i left. about 10 minutes later he called me begging for me to come back. i dont know why i did, but i did. he was crying and saying he was sorry and how much he loves me etc...i know i probably shouldnt fall for that but i feel like i am in a cycle that i cant break. i feel controlled. i know you will tell me the obvious, to leave. and i know i should. but i don't know how. he has been very and overly nice the past day or so. telling me how much he loves me, buying flowers etc..he says he will never lay a hand on me again. i know this is probably not permanent. any other advice?

this all looks so dramatic written on paper. and this is our problems ASIDE from the T1 issues we have. hmmph.

[Connie(BC)Type 1]

MHO is you need help to get out! Good Luck! It's not fair to you!

[Ryans-Rock]

My advice would be .....RUN, As fast as you can!!! Sounds like he not only has control issues but needs some anger management classes too. NO ONE! and I mean NO ONE diserves for anyone to lay a hand on them in anger. My mother always said "Don't be anyones fool"!
My husband use to treat me badly in front of others when he drank. So i know how that feels. Thank goodness for me, he stopped drinking. But honey, you do not diserve that. He needs to get counciling. and you need to move.

[LantusFiend]

I don't know that manipulative sounds right because I think that requires a person to be planning and to be in control of himself. But it does sound like your health is in danger. So get out. Leave, and maybe get a restraining order while you're at it.

[Brensdad]

Time to go, in my opinion. I don't know of anyone that's ever stopped being abusive.

[Amy C.]

I have to agree here. It is time to get out of this relationship. He is extremely jealous and totally unreasonable. No one should treat another person this way -- diabetes or not.

From what I understand, his hot and cold behavior is typical of abusers. When he threw you on the bed and nearly suffocated you, that is a big sign. You can forgive him, but trust is another thing. He lost your trust with that incident and right so. He may wish to forget, but you should not.

For your own life and safety, I would not reside in the same house with him. You deserve better than to be treated like this.

[wendyc]

Yes it looks dramatic on paper, but if you were to sit down and speak to us it would be just as dramatic.

I'm sorry, but you need to leave your partner. He is abusing you definitely and will never change. I would suggest you seek help for yourself also to help manage your anger.

[frizzyrazzy]

what i want to know is would you consider the following abuse or manipulation in a relationship?
yep. totally. 100%.

[Lisa P.]

You need to not ever see him or talk to him again and you need your friends and family to help you with that, and you need to get into counseling immediately. For most folks, being suffocated would be an automatic and total end to the relationship. You need to find out why you are in this kind of relationship so that you can leave this guy and not go find someone similar.

[danismom79]

what i want to know is would you consider the following abuse or manipulation in a relationship?

There's really no other way to characterize it.

Question: what would you do if a stranger came up to you and physically hurt you?

Don't let the fact that you know this person cloud your judgment.

[Lee]

I grew up in a household of physical abuse, only from a parent. I remember very well being a 12 or 13 and the more my mom hit me, the stronger my need to please her became. I just wanted her to love me, and I was obviously doing something wrong. Then I was in tough marriage- not physical, but defiantly emotionally abusive - much like what you described with the manipulation and verbal attacks and the embarrassment in front of others. Through the years, the more he was mean to me, the more I wanted and needed to work harder on the relationship. Until he threw a chair...at the supper table...in front of the kids.

My point, don't be like me and wait for somethign big and dramatic to terrify you into leaving. THIS IS an abusive relationship. get out before it either becomes more physical and you really get hurt, or before you are so emotionally degraded that you really start to believe that it is all you fault and you can't live without him.

Get out, get out now, while you are still free to do so easily...no marriage, no kids, no mortgage...

YOU do not need this man. He needs you - that is how he gets his rocks off, abusing you.

ETA: You wouldn't have asked the question if you didn't think it WAS abuse, that is the first step...the second step is to remove yourself from a dangerous situation.

[Kalebsmom]

You need to get out. My sister in law was murdered by an abusive boyfriend June 29th, 2006. He went nuts and strangled and stabbed her to death. He is now serving 34 years in prison, but that does not bring her back. Her youngest was 7 and her oldest was in his 20's. She would have become a grandma for the first time a few months ago. Her granddaughter will never know her.

I am not saying every man is like this, but it can and does happen.

He even called 911 and told them he did.

If you ever want to talk please feel free to send me a message.

[thebestnest5]

You need to get out now and please find a counselor to help you heal. No more contact with him; it's not safe or healthy for you. You need to take care of you!

A healthy, positive relationship is nothing like you described--not even close!

[coni]

Yikes! Get out! Get the help you need to be safe.

[czardoust]

Hi geeme. Theres no question that what your in is un healthy and unsafe. I was exactly where you are once and I know its hard to get out (emotions play against it, finances delay things) you need to get out now. His diabetes has zilch to do with his behavior. The violence can be blamed a few times on blood sugars but the "you are not allowed to feel anger at my past bad choices" is NOT related to D....that is purely "I get what I want when I want."
Do what you can to get out now.

When I decided to get me and my oldest child out of a bad relationship (my exhusband, her father), I hitched a ride 700 miles from Virginia to Alabama with just the clothes on our backs and $40 in my pocket. Think very hard on why you are staying. I'll be praying for you to get help.

[sam1nat2]

I dated a guy just like that while I was a sophomore in college.
When I finally realized he was abusive I got out---which made him even more mad.
get out NOW!!! It won't be easy at first, but you don't need a person like that in your life. Period, no exceptions!

[Ellen]

What do you think when you reread what you wrote above? What if a friend shared the same scenario with you? What does your gut tell you about the situation? We can all suggest what we believe is right for you, but only you can resolve what needs to be done to protect yourself, take action, and pursue your goals and dreams for a happy life. I wish you clarity and strength to do what you need to do. Finding support will also be beneficial

Please read about the cycle of abuse here: The Cycle of Abuse (http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/women/page5.html)

The diagram makes a lot of sense.

[Jacob'sDad]

Wow. I've suggested more than once on here that people should try to work things out.

Screw that! Get out NOW! And get a restraining order while you're at it.

[madde]

leave him!!!

[LizinTX]

i know you will tell me the obvious, to leave. and i know i should. but i don't know how. he has been very and overly nice the past day or so. telling me how much he loves me, buying flowers etc..he says he will never lay a hand on me again. i know this is probably not permanent. any other advice?


Well, you stated this, so it appears that you want some other advice rather than the obvious and to leave him far behind. So if you decide to stay with him, would you please get your tubes tied, so that you don't bring innocent children into this horrific situation? You stated yourself that this *honeymoon* period probably won't last, so he will continue to abuse you. There is nothing you can do to change him--he will have to want to change himself and right now he doesn't want to; but you can change yourself and want better for you.

[StillMamamia]

You deserve to be happy, and not be treated like a "thing"...you have the right to be respected and you are worth much more than you think.
This situation is not healthy for you...he will not change, and I think you know that, but you're probably afraid of what the future holds. But you need to free yourself from this person.
Take care.

[bgallini]

Please leave now. If you can't leave right now, make a plan so you can leave soon. Call an abuse hotline to get advice. But get out. Most of this was 'just' emotional abuse but that last part was definitely physcial abuse and it will get worse. Leave.

[geeme]

thankyou to all for your advice. i know that you are all entirely correct in telling me to leave. i know that is the right decision. i know i need to.

but i love him. in many ways, he is generous and loving. but in many ways he is not. i would never consider having children with him or getting married. i couldn't do it. and i guess that is my answer.

to just leave sounds so easy to do written out. but in reality it is not. i feel like his behaviour is in some way, my fault.

there are other issues too: whenever i talk or tell a story about something i have done or did in the past, the response i usually get is 'mmm'. its like he doesnt know how to have a conversation or he doesnt want to give me the satisfaction of a response. i dont feel worthy of a response. we've had countless discussions about this and he always says he will make more effort with this and never does. so one day i decided i would do the same thing and when he said 'i have a headache' i ignored the comment and said something else. his response was immediately 'did you hear what i said?'. it was clear he didnt like it.

i do most of the work in the house, cleaning, cooking, washing etc...and i get complaints about leaving a tissue on the bedside table or a tea bag packet on the kitchen bench. i kind of feel like i cant do anything right. his attention is negative alot of the time.

he will ignore me or act all depressed and disinterested and then if i get mad or upset his mood changes for a short time and he becomes interested and happy and loving but it changes back again as soon as he sees i seem happy again.

also another problem is i hold a car loan in my name for a car he drives and he pays me monthly for it. i am very worried this wont continue if i leave him. stupid of me to enter into something like a loan for him in the first place i know.

anyway, thank you again for your advice, i value it greatly. i hope i have the courage to act on it. thank you for listening.

p.s. i know the above info is kind of irrelevant but it feels good to get it written down.

anyway, that is small things i guess.

[Kalebsmom]

What you just wrote about are not small things.

I understand you have a car loan with him, but if you have to lose it so be it.

I really really really do not want to sound harsh but the man that killed my sister in law also always told her he would never hurt her. It was just yelling in the beginning. Then the degrading came. Then the first time ( that I am aware of ) that he ever touched her he took her life.

If you had a daughter that was in a relationship with a man exactly like him how would you feel?

I have no idea where you live but there are shelters and such all over and maybe you can look into something like that.

Maybe you could get a restraining order and make him leave?

Please understand thses things do not get better on their own. IF you really feel you need to stay please seek some therapy for both of you. Him to see why he does it and for you to see why you allow it. I am not trying to be mean in any way. I had a boyfriend when I was about 18 and he was just a mean man. He would cheat on me and when I said something he would get me on the ground and kick me in the head with steeltoed boots.

One day he held a loaded gun to my head. He pulled the trigger. The ONLY thing that saved me was he had only put one bullet in the barrel and spun it.

I do understand thinking you really love him and he has probably convinced you that you do not deserve any better. That is not right.

If you ever want to talk please feel free to contact me.

I will keep you and your safety in my thoughts.

[MrsBadshoe]

Everyday you stay your chances of becoming a statistic increase. Only you can decided to leave. We can tell you over and over to leave but until you decide your life is worth more then his abuse....you won't.

[dorothy's_mom]

Dorothy's bio dad was exactly just like that. It kept up to where we were physically fighting. Constantly. What ended it all was being drug by his car over 150 yards into a dirt lot. Pulled into the car and slapped in the face many times and pushed out of the car while it was moving. I still let him take me to work. That same day, he tried to run over my dad, and ended up t-boning my father's car. He would have hit the driver's side door if I had not have yanked the wheel. This all happened in one day. It was over. What made it easy to leave is that he was arrested. So was my father, however that is a different story of my father chasing him through town trying to get him to stop and get arrested.

Please, run, far away. Do not listen to his cry's. Do not believe him if he says that he is going to kill himself. If he pulls that, call the cops on him and say that he is sucidal. Have him picked up if he pulls that. Leave, and do not look back!

[dorothy's_mom]

thankyou to all for your advice. i know that you are all entirely correct in telling me to leave. i know that is the right decision. i know i need to.

but i love him. in many ways, he is generous and loving. but in many ways he is not. i would never consider having children with him or getting married. i couldn't do it. and i guess that is my answer.

to just leave sounds so easy to do written out. but in reality it is not. i feel like his behaviour is in some way, my fault.

there are other issues too: whenever i talk or tell a story about something i have done or did in the past, the response i usually get is 'mmm'. its like he doesnt know how to have a conversation or he doesnt want to give me the satisfaction of a response. i dont feel worthy of a response. we've had countless discussions about this and he always says he will make more effort with this and never does. so one day i decided i would do the same thing and when he said 'i have a headache' i ignored the comment and said something else. his response was immediately 'did you hear what i said?'. it was clear he didnt like it.

i do most of the work in the house, cleaning, cooking, washing etc...and i get complaints about leaving a tissue on the bedside table or a tea bag packet on the kitchen bench. i kind of feel like i cant do anything right. his attention is negative alot of the time.

he will ignore me or act all depressed and disinterested and then if i get mad or upset his mood changes for a short time and he becomes interested and happy and loving but it changes back again as soon as he sees i seem happy again.

also another problem is i hold a car loan in my name for a car he drives and he pays me monthly for it. i am very worried this wont continue if i leave him. stupid of me to enter into something like a loan for him in the first place i know.

anyway, thank you again for your advice, i value it greatly. i hope i have the courage to act on it. thank you for listening.

p.s. i know the above info is kind of irrelevant but it feels good to get it written down.

anyway, that is small things i guess.

Honey, read my post. They will never change. He is controlling you and has you under his thumb.

While I was pregnant with Dorothy, I had to walk with my face looking down all the time or else I was accused with looking at other men.

I was with her father just as long as you have been with your partner. When I left, my daughter was 4 months old. It was hard, believe me. I still loved him, what I thought was love. After having my daughter, I found out what love was and what we had was not love. I was in love with the thought of being in love and feared him more than love.

Please dear, leave. He will pull tricks and try everything in the book to get you back. Watch out for stalking. Get a restraining order. Do everything that you need to do to keep him away from you. It will be hard, however it has to be done. Please do not become another statistic in the records of abuse. Please!

PM me if you want. I will be worrying about you!

[Lee]

i know that is the right decision. i know i need to.

but i love him. in many ways, he is generous and loving. but in many ways he is not. i would never consider having children with him or getting married. i couldn't do it. and i guess that is my answer.

to just leave sounds so easy to do written out. but in reality it is not. i feel like his behaviour is in some way, my fault.


The more you are abused, the more you feel the need to please the abuser and make it right. You worry constantly and agonize over how to make them just be happy with you. They are always on your mind, no matter where you are at. You interpret that as love...it is not love, it is a psychological response to preserve your sanity. You do not love this man - as he is right now! You love the man you met and fell in love with. Guess what - that is not the man you are with now - and that will never be that man again!

My ex and my mom always made me feel like everything bad was my fault, from the dirty house, to the jealousy, to living a miserable life. And guess what, I believed it! It took me 5 years to really believe that I was not the wrong one! And I still have lots of trouble believing that I deserve a man that truly loves me.

All you are doing is making yourself feel guilty about leaving - but trust me - he does not feel guilty about hurting you - physically or emotionally. If anything - he would be deeply pleased by the time your thoughts are spending on him. It is an abusers trick - they are master manipulators and they will play on every emotion to keep you under there thumb!

As for the car - honey - you are a smart woman - steal his set of keys and just leave! Get out - take what is precious to you and take the car. It is in your name - you have the right to it.

If you are not comfortable with that - call the bank and do a voluntary default on the loan. It affects our credit less then a repo and they come and get it and deal with it!

Do not let a possession stop you from living the life you deserve to live.

[dorothy's_mom]

The more you are abused, the more you feel the need to please the abuser and make it right. You worry constantly and agonize over how to make them just be happy with you. They are always on your mind, no matter where you are at. You interpret that as love...it is not love, it is a psychological response to preserve your sanity. You do not love this man - as he is right now! You love the man you met and fell in love with. Guess what - that is not the man you are with now - and that will never be that man again!

My ex and my mom always made me feel like everything bad was my fault, from the dirty house, to the jealousy, to living a miserable life. And guess what, I believed it! It took me 5 years to really believe that I was not the wrong one! And I still have lots of trouble believing that I deserve a man that truly loves me.

All you are doing is making yourself feel guilty about leaving - but trust me - he does not feel guilty about hurting you - physically or emotionally. If anything - he would be deeply pleased by the time your thoughts are spending on him. It is an abusers trick - they are master manipulators and they will play on every emotion to keep you under there thumb!

As for the car - honey - you are a smart woman - steal his set of keys and just leave! Get out - take what is precious to you and take the car. It is in your name - you have the right to it.

If you are not comfortable with that - call the bank and do a voluntary default on the loan. It affects our credit less then a repo and they come and get it and deal with it!

Do not let a possession stop you from living the life you deserve to live.

Lee, you took the words out of my mouth. You are so correct.

I'd say forget the car. Just go. Leave. You will be able to get another car.

You have family, and there is nothing better than family. They will help you get you through. I know that mine did.

My not leaving him caused my father's arrest and trial. Thank God that he was found not guilty for protecting his daughter and grand daughter.

Please honey, leave for your life. It means more to us than it does to him. All he cares about is himself and no one else.

What he is doing to you is to make him feel good, and it does. Especially when you leave and keep coming back. It makes his ego bigger and thinks that he can do more to control you.

It will get worse. Believe me and Lee. It does get worse and the end of the relationship will be death. Your death.

Get out baby, please, get out!

[geeme]

thank you all so much. thankyou lee and dorothy's mum for your personal stories. it is nice to know i am not alone.

my family are worried about my situation because i have left before and gone home to them, only to be coaxed back. stupidly on my part. he even went so far as to tell me he had fallen and he thought his leg was broken and he needed me to come and call an ambulance. i told him i would call an ambulance but i wasnt coming there. he then told me he was going to kill himself. it shocked me dorothy's mum when you said that that would be what happens next because it has already happened. i should have stayed away then. not gone back. he got better for a long time after that too.

i will take your advice, i just have to find the right time, the best and safest and easiest time. thank you so much for your support. it is nice to think that people i don't even know care enough to help as much as you have.

i keep playing over the physical abuse from the weekend in my head and i know it wasnt as bad as it could have been. but i am now fearful enough to know that it will probably be worse next time. ive never felt so powerless in my life. and i want that power that i used to have back. its a decision i need to make. thank you all again so much. your advice is just what i need to hear right now.

[StillMamamia]

Just wanted to let you know that the right time is now.:cwds:

May I share something with you? My dad is a very possessive and angry person, and had countless time threatened to leave or kill himself, so that we would have a pity for him. My mom has stayed with him throughout all of this, because she feels sorry for him and wants to help him. Meanwhile, she is the unhappiest person in the world.
I grew up with that, and the guilt-trip over everything has been extreme. But now I realize I deserve to be happy, and to be ok with my choices, even if they don't please someone I "love".

You deserve that happiness.

[Lee]

When you leave - cut him out of your life - change your cell # - change your phone - change everything. Don't let him know where you live, don't answer his calls, don't, don't, don't...

He will show up where you work and try and follow you or talk to you. Always leave work with another person - for a year minimum. Never leave work alone. Protect yourself and be smart.

Never talk to this man again. He will get very angry, but eventually he will find another victim.

[geeme]

thank you again. i agree, i need to get out. i cant live in a cycle of abuse anymore. i know its not as bad as what other women go through, but i dont want to wait and find out if it gets worse. the physical abuse has only just begun but the emotional abuse has gone on forever.

i no longer see my friends as much, only for short periods of time. otherwise i get 'what were you doing spending 3 hours in a restaurant just talking?'.

i went to a family friends 21st birthday where all my family and the people i grew up with were and when i got home i got 'so how many guys tried to pick you up tonight'..when i say 'none' i get 'come on someone must have'.

at work i usually go to the same place for a hot chocolate and to read at lunch and i get 'why do you go to the same place every day? is there someone there to see?'. when i tell him thats ridiculous and i will go wherever i want for lunch he says im overreacting and he was 'just joking'. EVERYTHING is 'i was just joking'. i always say 'how is it that you are the only one that ever finds these things funny?' and he will ignore it and joke around with me and try to have a joke with me like im overreacting. or i get 'are you in a bitchy mood tonight?'.....grrr...that was last night....

sorry you will get sick of hearing about this and just say do something about it but it feels good to write it out even if its not responded to. so if you read, thankyou for doing so.

i listened to a favourite song of mine this morning and thought the words were so fitting for how i feel in this rship right now:

'i'm a machine,
programmed to function,
exactly how you want,
is it real?

i bleed but i don't feel,
anything at all,
these thoughts aren't regulation,
better keep it to myself,
keep it to myself

it's always raining,
where you are,
it's always raining where you are...'

i know its corny....but it reminded me so much of this rship im in that its scary.

ok enough from me, thankyou for your advice and i will definitely be taking it.

[bgallini]

We aren't sick of hearing/reading about this. This is important. You need to work thru this so you can get the courage to leave. We are here for you. Your family and your friends are there for you. Do you have a local friend or family member that will be supportive....will listen to you and be ready to help you when you are ready to leave?

[geeme]

thank you for understanding. yes my family here are very supportive and only live 20 minutes away so i can always call on them or move back in with them. they are not happy or comfortable with the rship i am in and do not trust him. they think that im not thinking straight still being with him.

i do have one friend who i can talk to and knows a little about the situation- tho not a whole lot- im too scared to go into too much detail because i don't want extra external pressure as i put myself through enough of it as it is.

but yes, i definitely will have support when i do leave. without question. my heart and my head are so torn right now. thank you for all your advice.

[allisa]

im too scared to go into too much detail because i don't want extra external pressure as i put myself through enough of it as it is.



I will be frank with you on this statement, and feel I can be, because I have been in your shoes.....

you don't want to tell your friends the truth because you want to pretend all is well....you can tell us because none of us knows you or him.....and it is safe.....you are NOT ready to leave him, NOT ready to be alone and you'd rather stay and pretend to everyone ( including yourself ) that it is all really okay and you have a happy life.....

I'm not judging you at all....like I said, I've been there....I reminded myself that I wasn't a "battered" woman there fore the abuse wasn't "that bad".....but bullying, verbal abuse and maninpulation are NOT love.

I would have left my husband eventually.....but.....it is a hard thing to work up to.....that is why I understand your not being ready.

THANK GOD that one day my ex decided to say to ME that HE wanted a "break"...a seperation......

I had, like you contemplated and threatened it several times......and didn't follow through....and here he ( in some moment of weakness ) said it to ME.....I was both terrified and relieved......I agreed to it, after pleading him not to.....who the heck knows why :rolleyes:

Once he was out....he decided A DAY LATER he was ready to come back.....but by then....after just ONE NIGHT ALONE there was no way in hell I wanted to go back where we were. I told him that I thought we should "see how the seperation went for a full week so that we were confident in any decisions we made". In the mean time I got an attorney, filed for a legal seperation and got "rights" to the house.

I am not at all advocating for divorce. I am just sharing my experience with you.

If he told you he wanted a seperation....would you feel relief ?

ps....that one night alone I mentioned....I woke in the middle of the night with a back spasm....from stress I am sure....It took me about 30 minutes to walk down my stairs and get aspirin and water.....in that time....instead of being upset that I was alone to endure this spasm.....I remember thinking...."if he was here, he wouldn't ahve helped me anyways....would have been pissed that I woke him in the middle of the night".....it was a MUCH NEEDED wake up call/ reminder of who he really was and what I meant to him ( not much !) AND waking up in the morning....I felt such a sense of calm that I didn't have to wake up on eggshells and continue to walk on them throughout the day.

Again....this is just MY experience....but if any of it sounds familiar or relatable.....I say get yourself to counselor NOW to talk over things and get an objective opinion.

Best of luck to you.......

and you know what....being single with 3 kids ( 2 of whom have disabilites) is hard...but....far easier without an abusive spouse........

[geeme]

thank you for your honesty allisa. it is shocking reading back over this thread and seeing how many people have experienced similar situations of abuse in some form.

you are correct in everything you said. i DO feel more comfortable talking to you guys because i don't know you personally but also because i don't believe my friends or family can give me an objective opinion. so i thank you all for taking the time to try and help someone you don't even know!

i also do and don't feel ready to leave. in my mind right now i am thinking it's not that bad, maybe i am overreacting...even having a hard time believing what i'm writing or hoping that i am portraying the story in its whole truth. i believe in myself right now that if anything else happens i will DEFINITELY leave. i need a break and want to leave now, i feel numb and emotionless and angry when i am near him. even talking to him on the phone.

i spoke to him about exactly how i feel last night and told him i want a break but he convinced me to stay. its like a barrier i cant break through. last week he said he thought it would be a good idea for a break and i agreed and said i would leave that morning...5 minutes later he said 'i can tell you don't really want this, lets just leave it the way it is and see how we go'....and i said 'no, im perfectly happy to do this i want to do this, dont make it about me, talk from your point of view, not mine'. and he then said 'ok well i don't want it'.

after our talk last night i got a text from him this morning at work: 'i want you to be yourself again and be happy. there is alot of things that i am working on to be a better person. as we discussed last night do whatever you want to do [because i made reference to the restrictions he places on me]. i hope this makes sense. love you lots'. what do you think? i dont know what to think.....still think i would really be happy to get out of there. but i am so torn.

sorry once again for long message....

[kiwimum]

Hi

I have NOT been in your situation so I have no idea what it is like to feel so trapped and I won't even pretend to know how you feel.

As for his txt message this morning, you asked what we thought. I'll tell you what I thought and that is MANIPULATION!!!

He is telling you exactly what you want to hear - that he is going to change, that he loves you blah blah blah.

My sister is in a relationship that is not healthy. Not sure if physical abuse is occuring but certainly mental abuse, drugs and alcohol are involved. It is a terrible situation for her and her 3 daughters. She leaves him, he whispers the sweet nothings and back she goes. This has happened more times than I can count and to be honest, has become quite tiresome to her friends and family alike. I respect the choice she makes for herself but when she disregards the safety of her children, that in my book is unforgivable. For some reason she believes she deserves nothing better for her and her children, that he is the best she will get. She also has a strange idea (to me anyway) that it is better to stay with a man who is a complete JERK so the kids have a father, than to be alone and happy. (His daughters hate him and are always happier when he is gone).

I wonder why you think he is all you deserve? Why do you not value yourself enough to seek LOVE with someone who treasures you and offers you security. You deserve to be happy and to feel safe and valued. Life is too short to waste on people/things that pull us down. It is great if your family support you as you say they do. Are you aware that they may be praying for you to make the break? Do you know how frustrating it can be for the family on the outside looking in, how much they want you to make the break, but don't want to interfere, hoping that eventually you will see him for what he is?

The fact that you are sharing here tells me that you already know what you need to do. You just need someone to validate it for you.
Well, I validate it for you and sincerely hope you find the strength to do what is right for you.

[sugarmonkey]

Here's a suggestion a friend of mine did when she was in a similar situation.
If you're not ready to go yet start leaving things in another place like family or friends. Things like clothes, copy of birth certificates, bank details and other important papers. Even photocopies of bank cards and drivers licences and social security cards. Another cell phone. Money for petrol or whatever. Anything that can help when you do decide to leave. Leave it at someone elses house. Just add bits when you can. then if you leave suddenly you have things there ready. I've left a similar situation with nothing, so I think doing this would have really helped. My friend has done this twice, and twice had to leave in a hurry. She's had clothes and things for her and her kids ready by doing this.