How do I handle this? (Long)

[Caydens_Mommy]

My grandmother just called and told me that they wanted Landon (Non-D) son to come stay the night with them after his ball game tonight and that they were wanting to take him fishing and stuff tomorrow.. I told her that it was okay, but that I was having to work tomorrow and that my parents would be out of town, so I wuold have to get him later. I then asked her if she thought Cayden could stay with them while I am at work. She then told me that her and my grandfather were just disucussing this last night and they don't feel comfortable having Cayden there without me or my mom there. She said she doesnt know how ot deal with it and I told her I could teach her very easily, and it wasn't hard and she told me that she didn't think it was a good idea and informed me that they wouldn't be able to keep Cayden till he was old enough to do all his things by himself. .. I am so upset right now that I am in tears, not sure how to handle this situation.. I love my grandparents dearly, but this is killing me. I don't think it is fair to Cayden!

[jules12]

I am so sorry you have to deal with his. My dh's Mom has not taken any interest in learning how to care for my son at all. Can you appeal to them that Cayden will be upset and miss out and perhaps they could try doing something special with him slowly another time so he doesn't feel left out? Maybe just an hour the first time, and slowly increase it from there? Some people are just plain afraid of the unknown and get overwhelmed by all the details.

Again, I am so sorry you have to deal with this!

[Lee]

While I think it is great for grandparents to take one kid at a time, if the other kid doesn't get taken at some point, then it is not fair.

I do not think I could let my Non D kid go in this case. It is like punishing the D kid for having D - what boy doesn't want to go fishing with grandpa???

As much as I understand that this is hard for them, maybe it would help them realize that they need to learn, or else no unsupervised visits for either.

I am sorry that you are going through this - it must be very sad :(

[Abby-Dabby-Doo]

This is a tough one. Especially when it involves family.
If this was MY family, MY decision, MY two kids.

How in the world could my child possibly understand this situation? I wouldn't want to even begin to guess how I would explain it to my child. It would hurt my child, my child has a hard enough time as it is. I would decline the offer. Explain the situation (to the adults) as best I could without hurting anyones feelings.

[hawkeyegirl]

I agree with Becky and Lanae. If people are not willing to learn to care for Jack, they don't get to take my daughter either. That is non-negotiable.

[momtojess]

I have ran across this before... it is so heartbreaking..

My kids go to Ohio for a week or more in the summer. They rotate bewteen grandparents and aunts. At first, Jess was just too young, and I always said when she is old enough to understand, then the boys will have to stop going as it isnt fair. But then, why is it fair to the boys to make them stop?

I can understand the grandparents being afraid, but alot of fear comes from being uneducated. I remember when Jess was 1st diagnosed how scared we were. but we didnt have a choice. no one asked if we wanted to learn how to deal with it. I would tell them that they are going to be missing out on so much for the next 5-10 yrs while he learns to do things on his own.

I would let your other son go tonight and tomorrow.. but maybe you can go with you d son in the future, and let them care for him while you are still there. maybe after a few times, they can try it for a few hours, and as they get more cofortable with it, let them do it for longer and longer times.

It is so not fair to our D kids, but then it isnt fair to the siblings to not let them go either. That can create the sibling to blame the D kid for him not being allowed to go.

[selketine]

Well....he is 3 and that is scary for most people.

Hopefully as he gets older the grandparents will feel more comfortable being with him. I also think as he gets older and starts to notice these things that I wouldn't let the grandparents take one kid to do stuff and leave the other one out. Plan some activities that they can do together while you are there. I guess I'm saying that I'd not limit their visits with their grandparents - try to keep them involved as much as possible. But make it clear that they can't treat them differently just because of the diabetes (will take one fishing but not the other, etc).

Hope it works out!

[Caydens_Mommy]

Thanks for all the kind words, and another thing that I forgot to include she even said "Well if Cayden was healthy it wouldn't be a problem, but he isn't" That just about sent me through the roof. He is perfectly healthy and really does not have alot of problems with his blood sugar!

[Abby-Dabby-Doo]

Thanks for all the kind words, and another thing that I forgot to include she even said "Well if Cayden was healthy it wouldn't be a problem, but he isn't" That just about sent me through the roof. He is perfectly healthy and really does not have alot of problems with his blood sugar!


That's just old school. They aren't informed. If they aren't willing to learn, they'll never know. :(

[zeb'smom]

It may not actually help but if it were me I would print out some of Emmaspapa's wonderful posts and blog entries for them to read. I doubt it will bring about any sudden change but if nothing else it would make me feel a bit better. Check out the grandparents section of the forums, he's got a few great posts there.

Robyn

[TracieandJim]

Its not fair to either of them. I have the same issue coming up in a couple of weeks when the in-laws drive in from Chicago. Granted they live several states away and dont get a chance to be hands on, I rather they not take my D-DS since they are uncomfortable. At the same time though, I have already told them they cant take my non-d-DS too often as it would be unfair. We try very hard to keep everything on the same level, food, activity and otherwise so no one feels left out. I want my d-DS to know that D is not something he has to take a back seat to.. EVER.

[Caydens_Mommy]

I think that another thing that makes it so hard, is my Grandfather keeps telling Cayden we are going to have to go fishing sometime, and he always wants to go and my grandpa always tells him not today.. Then everytime Landon goes with them Cayden cries his little heart out because he wants to go with them too and he is always told No.

[littlegal3]

We had a similar situation with my MIL & FIL. They were not at all interested in learning or watching her. Then our 3rd child was born and in the NICU for 12 days. Since they are home a lot durning the day they get a crash corse in taking sugars and giving shots. They were not the best at it, we got a lot of phone calls and she was usually a little on the high side becuase they did not give the right amount for her lunch. At least they got over the fear and now will watch all of the girls.
However over night is not something i am comfortable with them doing yet. Short periods of time are fine for me right now.
I think it is a fear thing and once they are shown how and comfortable they will be alright. Take it slow start making them take a sugar with you.
Good luck.:)

[RosemaryCinNJ]

My point Exactly WHY EMMASPAPA should write a book! I am so sorry that you are going through this..have you asked them what exactly it is about his care that they find so intimidating? Are they at least willing to learn? This sucks!!!!!

[tiffanie1717]

I think that if that happened to ME that I would not let my non-D child go. Yes, it's not "fair" to the non-D child, but so much happens to our D children that isn't fair that I think it's okay to let it be fair to the D child and unfair to the non-D child. It's a good lesson for the gparents, too, to realize that they can't do that to the non-D child.

I'm so sorry! :( I hope you find what works for YOU.

[RosemaryCinNJ]

I wanted to add: How could they just take your one son and leave your other one there crying his heart out?? Oh my god!!! Not judging them but that would make me go rambo on them!! Im so sorry...:(

[Kirsten]

My husband and I disagree on this. MIL and FIL have taken Cooper to Disney and offered to have him stay with them for weeks at a time, but after taking Griffin overnight once post-D, have excluded him from any of these invitations. Now that Griffin is 4, he can see that he is being left out and I refuse to tell them that it is OK to take Cooper without Griffin.

DH says it's no big deal and makes the arrangements with them. I think it will get tougher in a year or two, though.:(

Kirsten

[Skyefire]

I agree with you, my soon to be MIL does not have any interest in helping with Phoenix, but she does take my nephew Aiden that has D (he does not have to have injections at meal times like Phoenix), that is another story...lol

I agree that it is not fair to Cayden or Landon...Landon needs to know that both him and his brother (D or not) are treated equal. It shows him that people no matter what are equal, it does put doubt in kids minds when they know that someone is being left out. Weither they are being told about it or not. Landon is going to notice that Cayden does not come with them, and he will ask about it.

Cayden is also going to hear all the fun that his brother had without him, and ask why he is missing out, he will know that he is different and that is causing him to miss out. No matter what story he is told, including the truth. Which is a sin considering all the things our kids miss out on, because of D or even just having a sibling with it. I know Skylar has missed out on things because of Phoenix and I try my best not to let that happen. But it still does :(

I would suggest...just IMO that you talk to your grandparents and let them know, you are aware they are not doing this to leave Cayden out, but it is unfair to both boys and you do not want to cause hurt between them. Make sure they know they can still seem them, but it will have to be when they are supervised as they do not wish to take responsibility for Cayden. Out of fairness to both boys to feel like equal members of the family.

I hope I am wording this correctly. But I know from my Brothers kids that Aiden ends up getting left out sometimes because of his D and it breaks his heart, Some of that was his mom worried about sending him without her. But he feels different from his brother and sister. I would hate to see that for your boys.

Good luck

[Caydens_Mommy]

My point Exactly WHY EMMASPAPA should write a book! I am so sorry that you are going through this..have you asked them what exactly it is about his care that they find so intimidating? Are they at least willing to learn? This sucks!!!!!

She told me that she can't give shots, because she has never done that before. I explained to her before Cayden was dx'd I had never done this either, but that I can understand her not wanting to give the shots, that I could handle it on the breaks i get.. I then told her to check his sugar was easy and I could teach her and she said she just didn't feel comfortable.. She also stated that she didn't know how to handle if he got low and so forth.. I don't think they are willing to learn.

[MamaC]

You caught me in a NO BS mood. Simple story: No Cayden, No Landon.

[TracieandJim]

She told me that she can't give shots, because she has never done that before. I explained to her before Cayden was dx'd I had never done this either, but that I can understand her not wanting to give the shots, that I could handle it on the breaks i get.. I then told her to check his sugar was easy and I could teach her and she said she just didn't feel comfortable.. She also stated that she didn't know how to handle if he got low and so forth.. I don't think they are willing to learn.

My DH was apprehensive about needles prior to dx'd. Now he's not anymore. Its a very intimidating learning curve. But like I said before. Its not fair. Whats good for the goose is good for the gander.

[LizinTX]

I think that another thing that makes it so hard, is my Grandfather keeps telling Cayden we are going to have to go fishing sometime, and he always wants to go and my grandpa always tells him not today.. Then everytime Landon goes with them Cayden cries his little heart out because he wants to go with them too and he is always told No.

Oohh, my inner lioness just came out. I would put a stop to that immediately. I would tell Grandpa, to stop telling Cayden that if he has no intentions of ever following through.

I can see both sides of this, on the one hand you don't want to ruin a relationship between grandparents and either child, on the other hand the situation as it stands is unfair.

If it were *me*, I would tell them that this is the last time a fishing trip with just one child is going to happen. That it just isn't fair to the other one, and until they are ready to be trained or *I* could go along with both boys, that these type of outings will just have to be put on hold.


When my kids were very small, even before D entered our lives, I flat out told my MIL that she would never have unsupervised visits with my kids. Simply because of the way she treated my husband when she was raising him. I told her that I didn't care if I was hurting her feelings or not, that she probably wasn't going to protect my kids any more than she protected her own son, and I wasn't willing to take any chances, for her to *prove* herself.

Now both kids love that "grandma" but they also know she is a flake.

My point to this story (and I do have one) is that kids can still have a good relationship with their grandparents, even if they never spend any "alone" time with them.

Hope this helps.

[EmmasPapa]

Oohh, my inner lioness just came out. I would put a stop to that immediately. I would tell Grandpa, to stop telling Cayden that if he has no intentions of ever following through.

I can see both sides of this, on the one hand you don't want to ruin a relationship between grandparents and either child, on the other hand the situation as it stands is unfair.

If it were *me*, I would tell them that this is the last time a fishing trip with just one child is going to happen. That it just isn't fair to the other one, and until they are ready to be trained or *I* could go along with both boys, that these type of outings will just have to be put on hold.


When my kids were very small, even before D entered our lives, I flat out told my MIL that she would never have unsupervised visits with my kids. Simply because of the way she treated my husband when she was raising him. I told her that I didn't care if I was hurting her feelings or not, that she probably wasn't going to protect my kids any more than she protected her own son, and I wasn't willing to take any chances, for her to *prove* herself.

Now both kids love that "grandma" but they also know she is a flake.

My point to this story (and I do have one) is that kids can still have a good relationship with their grandparents, even if they never spend any "alone" time with them.

Hope this helps.

For what it is worth, I agree with LizinTX on this one. I feel sorry for the grandparents (are they elderly great-grandparents) because it appears that they love the boys but are just too afraid. I feel even more sorry for Cayden. Promising something and not following thru with the promise is just flat wrong.

I think you should go along on the fishing trips (or any visit) for a while and show them how to care for Cayden. If they just can't do it - then the children can't visit alone.

ps I don't think it is wrong for one sibling to visit alone as long as it doesn't make the other feel left out or neglected. We keep our grandson for overnights a lot more often than our D granddaughter, but she doesn't mind at all. She is pretty attached to mom:)

[Lee]

And it is the fact that Emma knows she can go to Grandpas any darn time she wants to so has no reason to feel left out :D

[Thoover]

I agree here with the post that its no to both. Also sit down with your grandparents and talk to them. Tell them that Cayden has feelings to and is feeling a little left out when "Great Grandpa" says he wants to take Cayden fishing and doesnt. Don't promise something to a little kid that they can't come through with.

I do have to say that my grandmother My childrens Great Grandmother would take and learn in a heart beat. Of course they will be nervous but maybe spending a whole day with them both and Cayden and letting your grandma get the actual HANDS on Feel for the whole D care. You might be surprised.

Also the things that come out of our Granparents mouths which are our kids Great Grandparents, I dont think are meaning to come accross mean or hurtfull. They just don't get it.

And I do have to say is I think ALL of us would love to have a Clone of Emmaspapa..

[Kaileen]

If it's no to one, then it's no to both.

We have a unique situation: our kids are in the same grade, even though our son is older. They don't want to be apart. They're 13 months apart, and it's almost like having twins: except they spread the pregnancy out over 18 months. *yerg* Grandma can't take either, since she can't get around as well as she used to: I don't trust their uncle as far as I can throw him (anger management issues): and their aunt has a spoiled rotten 3 year old who has to have things her own way. So, even if we wanted to let them go somewhere without us, or if we went somewhere without them, we couldn't. And if we try to split them up, they don't want to be split.

[dqmomof3]

My husband's parents told us they had a rule...they wanted to keep the kids each summer, but only after each one turned 5. They just weren't comfortable with the little ones. So, that's what we told them - you can go when you're five.

I'm not sure how the D will come into the equation. They haven't invited the kids this summer, and I have a feeling it's because of Jayden. Grandma is a type 2 diabetic herself, but not insulin-dependent. The thing is, I live less than two hours away, so if there were a problem, I could get there reasonably quickly if needed.

Guess we'll see. Just wanted to say that for our grandparents, the age alone was a reason not to have them all at once.

[etringali]

My FIL has absolutely no interest in learning anything about Alex D care, therefore we have stated he will not be left alone with Alex. He is also not allowed to take Andy to do something and leave Alex behind. That policy goes for everyone else in the family too. I refuse to let Alex be singled out. If they want Andy to do something, they have to take Alex too. Only exceptiion is arranging seperate special time.

[RosemaryCinNJ]

Oh Caydens Mommy I am really sorry that they are not willing to at least learn. You certainly are torn and I can see why. I say we ask Emmaspapa if we can rent him?