Personal - ok if noone answers

[Gaia]

I was just wondering if having a diabetic child has affected any of your marriages. Mike and I have only been together 8 years ( got married 4 years ago), so Joey was almost 5. He's always been my most difficult, resistant child. My ex was very abusive and tried to kill me in front of Jim & Joey. Joey was only 3 at the time so Im not sure how much he remembers & Im afraid to ask him. Im sure this affected him somehow. He's always been argumentative ect but what kid isnt. He tested last year at a 10th to 12th grade level so I know he's smart. Yet he's always getting low grades & getting in trouble at school. His teachers say they know that he has the intelligence. He just refuses to use it. In the months since Dx Joey has gotten verbally & physcially abusive w/ me & the twins. He acts like he resents Mike if he disciplines him and acts like he isnt gonna listen, but always under his breath or behind Mike's back so he doesnt see him. I didnt tell Mike how Joey was acting towards me for a long time and now that he knows, he's not a happy camper.

Yesterday we got into a bad fight. See, Wed night I was in the ER for what I thought was a heart attack. I was having chest pains that were going in my arm & jaw, trouble breathing, alternating hot & cold ect. I was told it was a severe anxiety attack & I needed to lessen the stress in my life. Yea right. So I told Mike that Joey isnt my only stress. Its worrying about feeding the kids & paying the bills, my parents bitching about him, him bitching about my parents and me trying to please everyone, being in pain & not affording the meds. Right now I have an abcess in my jaw so the dentist is my next stop & Im terrified of dentists. Anyway, Mike got really angry and said he disowned Joey because of his behavior. Today he apologized. I told him Joey needs guy time that being a dad isnt just about discipline. I dont want something like this to tear us apart.

Any suggestions?

[Sarah Maddie's Mom]

Gaia, you have so very much on your plate! I sorry that things are so difficult and so complicated for you now. I don't have any solutions, just wanted you to know that I'm hoping you get a break, a gentle dentist and that some better family dynamic can be found. :cwds:

[Lee]

You are a giver - I hear you! I am a giver - and when things get bad - people just pile more on us givers! Well- it is time you put a stop to it - which I have recently started doing myself. A couple of suggestions -

Talk to Mike about how he is and is not allowed to discipline your son when it is just you and him

Talk to your son and tell him he is old enough to treat everyone with respect, that physical violence is not allowed, and that those are the rules - and no compromise!

I am absolutely positive that the past is affecting him, and it is time to get to the heart of the matter -get him in counseling and get him evaluated fro things like Bi Polar, OCD, and other Mental Illnesses - it is tough, but your ex probably had something wrong with him that led to violence, and your son might also. Get him the proper treatment, and you could change the pattern of physical and mental violence

Reassure your husband that you love him

Reassure your son that you love him, no matter what

I don't know if that helps - but alot of times, violent outburst end up being hidden mental health issues and the sooner treated, the more normal the life...I'm sorry if this came out wrong, or upsets you, or it is way off base, but I truly offer as support and caring advice so that your family can be healthy and happy and untied again!

[RosemaryCinNJ]

Your son who is acting out was just recently diagnosed with type1 correct? Maybe he would benefit from some counselling for himself to help him deal with his feelings..He is 13 and that is so hard as a teen to be newly diagnosed, it is a lifestyle change, and it is very stressful..what he needs right now is love and support. He is angry, understandably so. And to answer your question...No my childs diagnosis did not affect our marriage, in a strange way it made us closer and more appreciative of things we used to take for granted. Also your son is angry at your twins because, they do not have type 1 and he does..he is angry..and he needs some help dealing with this.. If he likes the computer would he post in the teen section here and maybe get some "teen" support here? I wish you the best.

[twodoor2]

Kris,
I'm really not good at giving the type of advice you're looking for, but I just wanted to show my support and say I don't like when bad things happen to good people, and I think you're a very good person. I hope the sun starts shining brighter for you and your son soon.:cwds:

[Twinklet]

Gaia, you have gone through a lot, and your newish marriage is going through a real stressor now with D. Would you consider counseling for the family?

I am in a very good marriage and my DH helps me a LOT. However, having a child with a chronic illness that requires the kind of micro-management D does had definitely taken it's toll. It is very hard to have time to ourselves anymore and small hills seem like huge mountains. We are both frequently tired and that doesn't help, either.

I found a psychologist in our area who counsels families who have chronically ill children. I am seriously considering making an appointment for all of us to see if she has any suggestions. I also think it would be good for both of our kids to have the opportunity to talk to someone in case they need to: Emily may develop D issues she doesn't want to discuss with me, and Elizabeth (non-D) definitely has issues of feeling "left out" due to all the "attention" to her sister for D.

Perhaps something similar would help?

[StillMamamia]

Gaia,

Your post brought tears to my eyes...I never imagined all you go through...I'm very sorry about all that.

I fully agree with Lee's post, and would like to add that I too am positive that the past has affected Joey, and he needs to find an outlet to let his anger and frustrations out. I do believe counseling, not just for Joey, but for everyone, is needed here. You might find resistance for going, but I hope everyone is ok with it.

On a side note, Ian (with d) underwent painful treatment for a problem he has from the age of 8 months to about 1 year...and it's affected his personality so much. He's improved a lot since end of 2007, but I see some 'remnants' of that traumatizing experience. Our pediatrist told us about that, and he was right. So, you see, even being such a small baby, their minds get imprinted with everything they experience. So for Joey, he was 3 at the time, I'm sure he remembers...I wonder how you would feel about asking him about it? In a gentle way, of course...although, perhaps a counseling setting would be better.

I'm sorry you're also having health problems...and I hope you find a gentle dentist too.

As for your question about d affecting marriage, if you'd like this is a thread about it :

http://forums.childrenwithdiabetes.com/showthread.php?t=13548&highlight=marriage


I wish you the best! (((HUGS)))

[Charmed7]

Without going into too much detail, your story sounds a lot like mine.

My DH and my son are oil and water. And as my son gets older, his attitude to my husband gets worse. We've been living together for 8 years now and married 5 1/2.

Anywho, some of the behaviors your explaining sound like ODD or ADHD. Especially with the high IQ. I would definitely try to get him evaluated. I know the cost can be an issue, so look into your insurance to see if you can get it covered.

If you need any help, just let me know. My son is going to get evaluated in a few weeks. He was evaluted at six with ADHD, but I want to look into it again. I later found out my son's bio-father has bi-polar in his family history and I want to keep an eye on him to be sure he doesn't have it.

To answer your original question, there have definately been additional stressors in my marriage. And some of those things you were sharing (ie: Parent/Husband relationship) you have to just throw it out the window and say, it's not my problem anymore. I've done that too with my step-mother. I just can't be bothered with it right now.

Good luck,

Charmed

[Gaia]

:cwds: Thanks everyone for your responses. I hadnt realized there was already a thread on this, I would have posted there, sorry. What everyone said makes a lot of sense. Im gonna have to read them over again before I can answer. Thanks again. :cwds:

[OSUMom]

Anywho, some of the behaviors your explaining sound like ODD or ADHD. Especially with the high IQ. I would definitely try to get him evaluated. I know the cost can be an issue, so look into your insurance to see if you can get it covered.

Charmed

I was wondering about ADHD also because behavior can be a huge issue and impulsivity!!!!! I know here the teachers and school will not bring ADHD up because of the liability issue. Perhaps you could bring it up to his teachers and they would at that point give their opinion? Even if they disagree, I would look into this. I know money can be an issue in evaluating and treating for this. :cwds:

I'm so sorry for your very difficult situation here. My heart goes out to you.

[taximom]

I'm sorry you're also having health problems...and I hope you find a gentle dentist too.



I too hate dentist. Ask for Nitrous Oxide (laughing gas) and of course Novacane. You honestly will not feel a thing. The gas will relax you and wears off as soon as they take the little mask off. The Novacane will keep you completely numb. I just had some major dental work done, and it was not bad at all. Ask around for a good dentist in your area and tell your dentist of your fears.....they will be very accodating to keep you relaxed and pain-free. Please take of yourself.....you don't want to have more damage done.

[StillMamamia]

I hadnt realized there was already a thread on this, I would have posted there, sorry. again.

Oh, Gaia, I didn't mean to say you should've posted it there...I just pulled up this old thread because you asked if d dx had affected people's marriages...I hope you didn't take it wrong...

((HUGS))

[fredntan2]

That first year I swear I was mad at my dh all the time. I'm sure people got tired of hearing me complain about him. We've been married 20 years. Our marriage isn't easy, but I believe divorce would be harder.

My dh isn't the easiest person to live with. He's moody, complains, hardly helps around house. has virtually no involvement with D. He's aware of this. We've done some marriage counseling. older dd is allready in counseling for her bulimia. I'm going to add some counseling for Sara. She can be very moody. and at 12 it sure can't hurt.

My dh does love me. he does try. but for the life of him he can't fold clothes, can only empty trash if I ask him. He can put his plate by the sink. He would freak out if he found out her bs was 422 last check. turns out she forgot to bolus for her lunch. She must has missed pressing some buttons, cause I saw her doing a bolus. He is learning to cook now, he'll only cook carb free though.

[Emma'sDad]

I'm not good at giving advice, but I really hate to see people having a hard time. Life is too short for that and should be enjoyed.

I agree with an above post that your son inherited his biological father's anger and that seeing him hurt you didn't help and needs to be brought out into the open.

I've seen friends and cousins around me while growing up with severe cases of "your not my parent" syndrome. These are very textbook cases for psychologist and they are trained to know what to do. It's a very hard thing to admit to need outside help, but if you just leave it be, it will only get worst.

I hope you didn't take offence in what I said, it's not my intent. I wish you the best of luck from the bottom of my heart!