Aggravated: How do I handle this?

[Mom2Deacon]

Okay, yet again this is a separated from husband issue. Back in March I posted on here asking for advice about kids being in BIL's wedding. Well, it was decided that my oldest son would go to the wedding. My MIL emailed asking which dates they can come to fix my son for a tux. Then she also went on to ask about our new house. She was surprised by me finding a new place to live. She asked if this means I am not returning to Texas with my kids during the summer and whether DH and I are any further at making amends. How do I handle this? Do I just give her the dates that are fine to fix Alex for a tux and ignore the rest? Do I tell her to go talk to her son? Do I say no we are not any closer to making amends that is why I have a new house and am still getting on with my separated life? Sigh. I do not want to be rude but frankly I feel the questions she is asking are rude. I also wonder why she isn't asking this of her son or, if she is, what DH is saying. Ugh. BTW, I am not a fan of my MIL in the first place. And let us not even get into how bitter I am about an upcoming wedding considering where I am at. I would appreciate any advice you guys have. I am sorry that I keep bringing this up.

--Sara

[frizzyrazzy]

when my mil emails me things like that (mil, sil they both do it) I answer the parts that aren't upsetting to me and imagine that I have covered the rest of the email with white out and I never saw any of it.

It's a good policy because I really can convince myself that they didn't just make a bonehead/overtheline/whiny/idiotic comment to me.

[Mom2Deacon]

when my mil emails me things like that (mil, sil they both do it) I answer the parts that aren't upsetting to me and imagine that I have covered the rest of the email with white out and I never saw any of it.

It's a good policy because I really can convince myself that they didn't just make a bonehead/overtheline/whiny/idiotic comment to me.

Isn't that called denial and shouldn't I be staying away from being in denial?

--Sara

[Lee]

If it were me, and my ex inlaws, I would be truthful - say something like:

While what his name and I haven't finalized anything yet, I need a place to live and raise my children. AS for going to texas this summer, I haven't fully decided, or I have decided to work here through the summer, or the kids are going to go...I guess, just be honest, without giving details.

She probably isn't really fishing for info, she is just worried about her son and her grandkids...so by letting her know what is going on, but leaving the emotion out of it, like the resentment of the wedding, you will relieve some anxiety and she may realize that you are not going to be a fountain for spewing information that isn't any of her business...

[Mom2Deacon]

If it were me, and my ex inlaws, I would be truthful - say something like:

While what his name and I haven't finalized anything yet, I need a place to live and raise my children. AS for going to texas this summer, I haven't fully decided, or I have decided to work here through the summer, or the kids are going to go...I guess, just be honest, without giving details.

She probably isn't really fishing for info, she is just worried about her son and her grandkids...so by letting her know what is going on, but leaving the emotion out of it, like the resentment of the wedding, you will relieve some anxiety and she may realize that you are not going to be a fountain for spewing information that isn't any of her business...

The Texas thing was asking whether I was going to return to DH. I guess she thinks that once the school year is over, I can take the kids back. I do not want to be a fountain of information for her and I think she is asking rude questions. Especially since she asked me whether the house I rented was furnished or not. @@. I often wonder who my MIL thinks she is.

--Sara

[Lee]

The Texas thing was asking whether I was going to return to DH. I guess she thinks that once the school year is over, I can take the kids back. I do not want to be a fountain of information for her and I think she is asking rude questions. Especially since she asked me whether the house I rented was furnished or not. @@. I often wonder who my MIL thinks she is.

--Sara

Don't tell anything about the house - but do tell her what your decision is - if you know, or if you don't, let her know things are up in the air...and then when she presses fro more, tell her she is free to ask whats his name about it, but you aren't comfortable talking about your private life with her! Heck, I tell my mom that all.the.time.

[Kaylee's Mommy]

if you don't want to give her information then don't.. email her back, giving her the time she can come get your son fitted for the tux, and ignore the rest... I could understand her asking if you guys were 'friends' before, but if you weren't, it would bother me too, like she's just trying to get the dish on things.. tell what YOU are comfortable telling her, and don't worry about anything else:)

[Mom2Deacon]

Thank you. I have a hard time standing up for myself especially to her. I try not to be rude but sometimes what one sees as rude really is not to the other. I really do think I need to find a way to tell her to mind her own business.

--Sara

[Heather(CA)]

If it were me, and my ex inlaws, I would be truthful - say something like:

While what his name and I haven't finalized anything yet, I need a place to live and raise my children. AS for going to texas this summer, I haven't fully decided, or I have decided to work here through the summer, or the kids are going to go...I guess, just be honest, without giving details.

She probably isn't really fishing for info, she is just worried about her son and her grandkids...so by letting her know what is going on, but leaving the emotion out of it, like the resentment of the wedding, you will relieve some anxiety and she may realize that you are not going to be a fountain for spewing information that isn't any of her business...


I think Lee is on the right track, I don't know your previous relationship. (If she's been mean, uncaring of your children, or just like to gossip then that might be different) But, me being the mother of three boys, I can see where she's coming from wanting to know what's going on... She's probably concerned about her son and her grandkids. I wouldn't be suprised if she was concerned about you too. Maybe the not knowing is driving her nuts. If you know the answer, I would tell her, if you don't, then tell her that. I don't see where her questions are rude:confused: It sounds like she cares about her grandkids and would like to know what's going to happen with them, if she was involved then she's prpbably missing them big time. I see whether she going to be able to see them, or whether your staying in Texas as her business to some extent...

A bell just went off, is she the one who plays big time favorites? Or not?:confused:

[frizzyrazzy]

Isn't that called denial and shouldn't I be staying away from being in denial?

--Sara

I find denial, especially when it comes to my IL's is a really good place for me to be. It keeps me out of a LOT of trouble.

[Mom2Deacon]

I think Lee is on the right track, I don't know your previous relationship. (If she's been mean, uncaring of your children, or just like to gossip then that might be different) But, me being the mother of three boys, I can see where she's coming from wanting to know what's going on... She's probably concerned about her son and her grandkids. I wouldn't be suprised if she was concerned about you too. Maybe the not knowing is driving her nuts. If you know the answer, I would tell her, if you don't, then tell her that. I don't see where her questions are rude:confused: It sounds like she cares about her grandkids and would like to know what's going to happen with them, if she was involved then she's prpbably missing them big time. I see whether she going to be able to see them, or whether your staying in Texas as her business to some extent...

A bell just went off, is she the one who plays big time favorites? Or not?:confused:

If MIL and I were friends then I would be okay with divulging what is going on. But we are not even close to being friends. She wasn't too happy about my relationship with her son before we married and she let everyone know it. She has yet to make me feel welcome in the family. If she doesn't like something that I have done, she waits for me to leave the room and tells DH to tell me to stop it. She invites DH and the boys for family events but not me. She is all warm and welcoming about her future DIL and has shown how much she approves of her and her DIL's family. She does play favorites with her sons. DH is not her favorite and she has made a few rude comments to him even as recently as last summer with the comment that his brother grew up to be a man unlike DH. MIL has not show support for our marriage until she knew we were separated. Now, she gets supportive. I know I am rambling but back in December she invited the kids and I for Christmas and did not let me know that DH was going to be there until a few days before. How she told me was, "Are you against seeing "his name"? We are flying him up here for Christmas." So this in a nutshell is why I am aggravated and do not know how to handle my MIL and her questions.

--Sara

[frizzyrazzy]

that's all the more reason to ignore her, if that's how she was before. She wants to get into it with you, and the best thing you can do is to just take the high road and ignore her nasty nosy none of her business comments. (and it's not really denial, its self preservation) If you don't comment back then you take the steam out of her sails. She's counting on her comments annoying you. Don't let them. You'll be amazed at the power it gives you.

[Mom2Deacon]

You see I never understood this. How do I have power when I feel as though I have been kicked around too often? I don't understand how ignoring her is taking the wind out of her sails. It feels like I am avoiding a confrontation instead. But maybe I need to understand when to avoid them and when to have them.

--Sara

[musicjunkie]

flight or fight mode...I would tell her the dates available for the tux fitting and keep it as neutral as possible...anything that has to do with your personal life is none of her business...let her get any info she needs about the wheres' of her grandkids from her son...at least that's what I'd do;)

[frizzyrazzy]

You see I never understood this. How do I have power when I feel as though I have been kicked around too often? I don't understand how ignoring her is taking the wind out of her sails. It feels like I am avoiding a confrontation instead. But maybe I need to understand when to avoid them and when to have them.

--Sara

you get the power because you have decided how to handle her, not allowing yourself to feel pushed around by her nosy questions. You've answered the part of her email that is relevant to her and you've chosen to ignore the part which irritates you. She will get that message. If you don't let her push you around with her nosy questions - and make no mistake she is pushing you around - then you've got the upper hand.

Having a direct confrontation isn't always the way to win a war. if you say nothing to her (and what could you say that she can't turn around on your?) then you've turned her confrontation into a non-issue.

You can't control what she says, you can only control how you react to it. And choosing to ignore her is a valid option because it gives you the freedom to say that her nosiness isn't your problem and you don't have to deal with it. Do you want to deal with it? Do you want to have a confrontation? No, right? So why not allow yourself the freedom to not have it.

[Lee]

You see I never understood this. How do I have power when I feel as though I have been kicked around too often? I don't understand how ignoring her is taking the wind out of her sails. It feels like I am avoiding a confrontation instead. But maybe I need to understand when to avoid them and when to have them.

--Sara

See, for once, I am disagreeing with Michelle - shocking I know - pick yourself up off the floor! I think, by calmy addressing the issue, stating just the facts, and not getting emotional, you are taking your power back.

I am a Virgo to the hilt when it comes to pleasing people - I try and make everyone happy - weellll, I just recently decided that I was letting people in my life walk all over me by avoiding conflict, and therefore avoiding them. I was being dishonest to myself, and dishonest to them. So, I took my power back, I have no problem telling them no, and when they ask why, I say why. I was doing myself a disservice by not being open about how it was affecting me.

This woman is affecting you, and has for years! You have ignored her during the marriage and now she is trying to manipulate the situation - with your Xmas story being the PERFECT example. So let her know the facts, and when she digs for more, say - that is between myself and your son - end of story.

[Mom2Deacon]

I do see your point Lee. I definitely do. A piece of me does agree that I should just tell her where we are but..and this is a huge but...in this case it really is up to my husband to tell his parents what we decided. If he is leading them on then it is all on him. Part of DH's problem is that he always has to be the good guy. He will lie to make himself good even if it was his own fault. The only reason why I am mentioning this is because both of my therapists (the one before I left and the one I found here) have cautioned me to let DH deal with what he has to since he has been dodging it for so long. He still does BTW. Just last week he told me that I had to remind him to talk to me about scheduling a visit before or after the wedding in July. My therapist said that is not up to me to remind him of anything and to let it go. (Yes, I know. My DH is a true piece of work.) So unfortunately, I am taking this situation to my therapist tomorrow and discussing what I could do. I really think I am going to tactfully tell MIL to talk to her son if she wants these answers. I don't feel comfortable talking to her and I do think that DH needs to be the one to tell her at what point we are at. If he is painting a rosy picture for her, then she will discover the truth soon enough too.

--Sara

[Lee]

I do see your point Lee. I definitely do. A piece of me does agree that I should just tell her where we are but..and this is a huge but...in this case it really is up to my husband to tell his parents what we decided. If he is leading them on then it is all on him. Part of DH's problem is that he always has to be the good guy. He will lie to make himself good even if it was his own fault. The only reason why I am mentioning this is because both of my therapists (the one before I left and the one I found here) have cautioned me to let DH deal with what he has to since he has been dodging it for so long. He still does BTW. Just last week he told me that I had to remind him to talk to me about scheduling a visit before or after the wedding in July. My therapist said that is not up to me to remind him of anything and to let it go. (Yes, I know. My DH is a true piece of work.) So unfortunately, I am taking this situation to my therapist tomorrow and discussing what I could do. I really think I am going to tactfully tell MIL to talk to her son if she wants these answers. I don't feel comfortable talking to her and I do think that DH needs to be the one to tell her at what point we are at. If he is painting a rosy picture for her, then she will discover the truth soon enough too.

--Sara

I think that is your best bet - talk to your son!