Should I reciprocate?

[Mom2Deacon]

As many of you know DH and I are separated. He bought me a birthday present for my birthday last month. His birthday is this Sunday. Do I buy him a present or do I let it go? My son Alex has asked his father what he wanted and got an "I don't know what I want." answer. I asked Ali if he wanted to think of something on his own and he said he will wait for his father to tell him what he wants. Anyway, I am new to this so I am asking for advice.

--Sara

[dbz2988]

Well, this is a tough one. I don't know the situation. If your son wants to get him something, you really shouldn't say no. It would be coming from him correct?
I know that the only time DH and his ex buy gifts for each other is when Jr wants to and it always comes from him. (DH and ex DO NOT get along, so even that is few and far between, usually it's just Christmas).

[Mom2Deacon]

Well, this is a tough one. I don't know the situation. If your son wants to get him something, you really shouldn't say no. It would be coming from him correct?
I know that the only time DH and his ex buy gifts for each other is when Jr wants to and it always comes from him. (DH and ex DO NOT get along, so even that is few and far between, usually it's just Christmas).


I guess I shouldn't have mentioned my son's involvement. I am definitely going to help Alex and his brothers if they wish to find something for their father. I am wondering should I send something because he sent me one for mine.

--Sara

[dbz2988]

I guess I shouldn't have mentioned my son's involvement. I am definitely going to help Alex and his brothers if they wish to find something for their father. I am wondering should I send something because he sent me one for mine.

--Sara

What is the situation? Are you getting along better now that you are seperated? Who did the seperating? Was his gift a way to try to show compassion to get back together? Is there any talk about trying to get back together?

[dbz2988]

What is the situation? Are you getting along better now that you are seperated? Who did the seperating? Was his gift a way to try to show compassion to get back together? Is there any talk about trying to get back together?

Now that I think about it, I probably shouldn't have asked, it's non of my business.

I do think that gift giving is meant for people you care about. Example: My sister and her ex get along fine, however, she stopped buying gifts when they seperated. He bought her gifts a couple times after they seperated, but she did not recirprocate because she didn't want to give the wrong impression. She seperated from him.

I don't think if DH and I split, that I would buy him anything for any occasion unless I wanted to show that I still cared and wanted to maybe work out difference. That is just me though.

[Lee]

Well, after reading your story in another post - I would say, no - don't get him something personal. Have your kids, like you said - but right now I think you made up your mind about the marriage. The only thing gift giving will do is give him hope that he can still wriggle his way back into your life. I hope that doesn't sound to harsh, but this guy was the dog!

(PS - not to say if you ever make the decision to get back with him, that I wouldn't support it or be there for you - I just feel where you are coming from right now!)

[Mom2Deacon]

Well, after reading your story in another post - I would say, no - don't get him something personal. Have your kids, like you said - but right now I think you made up your mind about the marriage. The only thing gift giving will do is give him hope that he can still wriggle his way back into your life. I hope that doesn't sound to harsh, but this guy was the dog!

(PS - not to say if you ever make the decision to get back with him, that I wouldn't support it or be there for you - I just feel where you are coming from right now!)


I do not know if he wants to wiggle back in or not. I know I have made up my mind and I got the reminder why over the weekend through our last conversation. Did you read that post as well? I am still in the grieving process though. Anyway, I will help the kids and not send something from myself. Thank you for the advice.

--Sara

[Mom2Deacon]

Now that I think about it, I probably shouldn't have asked, it's non of my business.

I do think that gift giving is meant for people you care about. Example: My sister and her ex get along fine, however, she stopped buying gifts when they seperated. He bought her gifts a couple times after they seperated, but she did not recirprocate because she didn't want to give the wrong impression. She seperated from him.

I don't think if DH and I split, that I would buy him anything for any occasion unless I wanted to show that I still cared and wanted to maybe work out difference. That is just me though.

Thank you for your thoughts. I didn't want to look rude by not sending something but I also do not want to send mixed signals. So, I will help my sons with what they want to do but I will refrain from taking part myself.

--Sara

[Lee]

It's tough - I know when I was separated, me ex did do things - like give presents and thoughtful little things he never did while married. But once he realised I was firm in my decision - he turned very nasty.

[bgallini]

Thank you for your thoughts. I didn't want to look rude by not sending something but I also do not want to send mixed signals. So, I will help my sons with what they want to do but I will refrain from taking part myself.

--Sara

I think that sending him a gift would be sending mixed signals. I would not do it if it were me.

[dbz2988]

Thank you for your thoughts. I didn't want to look rude by not sending something but I also do not want to send mixed signals. So, I will help my sons with what they want to do but I will refrain from taking part myself.

--Sara

You're welcome. ;) You've made a wise choice!

[Seans Mom]

Unless it's a "Look what I accomplished in my first half of life" card w/ a picture of the kids and a copy of your all A's. lol :p
How's that for reciprocation?

[Heather(CA)]

As many of you know DH and I are separated. He bought me a birthday present for my birthday last month. His birthday is this Sunday. Do I buy him a present or do I let it go? My son Alex has asked his father what he wanted and got an "I don't know what I want." answer. I asked Ali if he wanted to think of something on his own and he said he will wait for his father to tell him what he wants. Anyway, I am new to this so I am asking for advice.

--Sara

You could get him one form the kids?:confused:

[RosemaryCinNJ]

Sara..Definately get one from the kids to give him. As for you getting him a present, thats entirely up to you..When he got you a bday present it was from him right and not the kids? There are no rights or wrong here...you have to go with how you feel. By the way my DH and I were seperated once many years ago for about 9 mos...it either puts a lot into perspective or gives you the strength to say its over and move on..neither is easy..But always listen to your heart. Good luck...

[Mom2Deacon]

Sara..Definately get one from the kids to give him. As for you getting him a present, thats entirely up to you..When he got you a bday present it was from him right and not the kids? There are no rights or wrong here...you have to go with how you feel. By the way my DH and I were seperated once many years ago for about 9 mos...it either puts a lot into perspective or gives you the strength to say its over and move on..neither is easy..But always listen to your heart. Good luck...

Thank you. I had the kids find him a present last night.

--Sara

[RosemaryCinNJ]

Sara...good...:) You are a very strong woman!! You have accomplished so much and come a long way..I wish you a beautiful, new life...today, tomorrow and always :) you deserve it!!!!!!!!