Vent: my mother

[Mom2Deacon]

This week my mother seems to be on a roll about analyzing mine and stbx's situation. She has been asking me several questions like Do you think he feels that he has no place in the family? and I feel sorry for him..don't you feel sorry for him? But the topper was when my father told me that when he and her were talking she said that she thinks I didn't fight hard enough for my marriage. This coming from my mother who heard my tears and saw what was going on with her own eyes. She is the one who kept telling me that you need two to work on a marriage. Now I am beginning to doubt everything and I keep telling myself I did everything I could.

I took the boys and I left DH last October. There are many reasons too numerous to count why but the main ones are he was, and still is, having an online affair that he kept rubbing my nose in. He stopped wearing his wedding ring and sleeping in our bed. When we did do counseling, at our second session he told the therapist that only one person wanted to be there and it wasn't him. He kept letting the kids and me know that we were not wanted there by ignoring us. What brought me to finally walk out was I discovered he tried to obtain drugs while the kids and I were away on vacation.

DH and I have had several conversations about repairing things but he doesn't want to because we have no guarantees of working it out. He is still as resentful and angry as when I left. I do not know how much harder I could have fought for our marriage when I was being told that he didn't want it to continue every day.

I think my mother is concerned because my husband now seems to be in denial that this is really ending. But hey that is him. It has been him for a very long time. I do not think he realized the repercussions when he decided to begin all this. But the same things still stand. He has told me he only wants to see the kids when he is free in the summer and for Christmas. He has not called when he was supposed to more times than I can count. Despite being lonely and miserable, he doesn't want to work things out because he would have to stray from his agenda. He has told me that he doesn't have time for us.

So should I keep fighting and be in denial myself, or do what I have been doing and getting my life back together as painful as that is? Because frankly in my heart I know that if the kids and I do return it will return to what it was within a week. I hate watching the kids go through this. I hate having to go through this but it was something that I didn't ask for but was thrust upon me and I am trying to make the most of it as much as I can.

Thank you for letting me vent. I hate doubting myself again when I recently was able to let go of the doubt.

--Sara

[KeltonsMom]

Considering all the circumstances, you need to do what is right for you and your boys. A relationship will not mend itself if both persons involved are not working together to fix it, and from what you said he has no desire to mend the damage that has been done.

This is a tough one that is for sure..

[Caydens_Mommy]

Sara, first let me say I'm sorry for the situation you are in.. I will also say that from what I have read here, I would have done the same things that you did.. I would not want my children in that situation nor would I want to put myself in that situation. I'm sorry that your Mother can't see the horrible things that were/are going on.. I don't feel like you should keep fighting for something that's not worth fighting for.. You and the children deserve better.. I'm here for you if you just need to talk.. Keep your head up and things will get better! Although if it was me I would make sure my kids only get supervised visits if he was trying to get drugs and not only that but for the fact that he only wants to see them like 2 times a year..

[Lee]

Please, stop doubting yourself - and also realise that doubting yourself is perfectly normal - and that your mom is in denial. The reasons you listed - an emotional affair, drug abuse, emotional abuse, and not trying are all reasons enough to get a divorce on their own. You had them combined. You made the right decision in your heart and your brain knows this. YOU tried - he didn't.
With me and my ex, he wouldn't try until it was to late. We talked about our marriage, and I told him that I wasn't happy and no longer felt safe ( he had started to switch from plain old horrible emotional abuse to doing things like throwing chairs across the room in front of the kids and other violent outbursts). I said we needed to work on our marriage, so we went away for the weekend. I told him exactly what I needed from him - like to stop putting me down, to offer more support around the house/yard, help with the kids, etc, etc, etc...he said he only needed 3 things from me - to loose weight because he thought I was disgusting, to become a better house keeper, and to be more girly - nice guy, since I was the primary bread winner, going to school half time, raising the kids since he wouldn't switch from the 3-11 shift, and maintaining the yard, pool, house, budget, etc...it really sucked - so I told him I wanted counseling - he said no - so I replied we get counseling or we get a divorce - you have one week to decide. The week passed - he said no - and the switch went off - then he wanted to get counseling - I tried for 6 months - but it was already to late.

For the first 2 years, I would wonder if I made a mistake, and then I would remember the good times, and then I would remember the really bad - and there was really bad - and I would get over it. He was a master at making me feel bad about tearing the family apart. Now, the only time I regret getting a divorce is when I am flat broke...and even then, I am still better off.

Sorry for sharing my story, but I remember so well the emotional havoc that you are going through and I think hearing other's stories helps.

I just kept asking myself - am I happier? Are the kids happier?

[Mom2Deacon]

Sara, first let me say I'm sorry for the situation you are in.. I will also say that from what I have read here, I would have done the same things that you did.. I would not want my children in that situation nor would I want to put myself in that situation. I'm sorry that your Mother can't see the horrible things that were/are going on.. I don't feel like you should keep fighting for something that's not worth fighting for.. You and the children deserve better.. I'm here for you if you just need to talk.. Keep your head up and things will get better! Although if it was me I would make sure my kids only get supervised visits if he was trying to get drugs and not only that but for the fact that he only wants to see them like 2 times a year..

Thank you. My mother did see what was going on. Both of my parents did. My mother is hearing how miserable he is right now and I think is letting that affect her. To me, it is validation because he was saying that I was the cause of his misery. Now he can't blame me and he is still miserable.

BTW, he is in therapy and has been for over a year now. I do not know how well he is doing in it though.

I have a therapist here and the kids have one as well.
--Sara

[Mom2Deacon]

Please, stop doubting yourself - and also realise that doubting yourself is perfectly normal - and that your mom is in denial. The reasons you listed - an emotional affair, drug abuse, emotional abuse, and not trying are all reasons enough to get a divorce on their own. You had them combined. You made the right decision in your heart and your brain knows this. YOU tried - he didn't.
With me and my ex, he wouldn't try until it was to late. We talked about our marriage, and I told him that I wasn't happy and no longer felt safe ( he had started to switch from plain old horrible emotional abuse to doing things like throwing chairs across the room in front of the kids and other violent outbursts). I said we needed to work on our marriage, so we went away for the weekend. I told him exactly what I needed from him - like to stop putting me down, to offer more support around the house/yard, help with the kids, etc, etc, etc...he said he only needed 3 things from me - to loose weight because he thought I was disgusting, to become a better house keeper, and to be more girly - nice guy, since I was the primary bread winner, going to school half time, raising the kids since he wouldn't switch from the 3-11 shift, and maintaining the yard, pool, house, budget, etc...it really sucked - so I told him I wanted counseling - he said no - so I replied we get counseling or we get a divorce - you have one week to decide. The week passed - he said no - and the switch went off - then he wanted to get counseling - I tried for 6 months - but it was already to late.

For the first 2 years, I would wonder if I made a mistake, and then I would remember the good times, and then I would remember the really bad - and there was really bad - and I would get over it. He was a master at making me feel bad about tearing the family apart. Now, the only time I regret getting a divorce is when I am flat broke...and even then, I am still better off.

Sorry for sharing my story, but I remember so well the emotional havoc that you are going through and I think hearing other's stories helps.

I just kept asking myself - am I happier? Are the kids happier?

Thank you. Your story sounds a lot like mine. Although much of the time my husband was able to stay calm and stonewall while I got angry. I honestly thought I was going crazy because he could twist reality and my words so well. My patience was thin and my nerves were gone by the time I left. It took me several weeks and a few therapy sessions to realize that I was not crazy but the situation could make me feel that way. Much of the time the kids and I are happier. Many of the habits and behaviors they had before are now gone. I hate seeing what their father is doing and not being able to help them. It is like waiting for a train wreck to happen.

Does the emotional havoc ever go away? Will we ever get to a better normal?

--Sara

[Lee]

Thank you. Your story sounds a lot like mine. Although much of the time my husband was able to stay calm and stonewall while I got angry. I honestly thought I was going crazy because he could twist reality and my words so well. My patience was thin and my nerves were gone by the time I left. It took me several weeks and a few therapy sessions to realize that I was not crazy but the situation could make me feel that way. Much of the time the kids and I are happier. Many of the habits and behaviors they had before are now gone. I hate seeing what their father is doing and not being able to help them. It is like waiting for a train wreck to happen.

Does the emotional havoc ever go away? Will we ever get to a better normal?

--Sara

Yes - it does get better - for me, once I realized I was better off and happier on my own. It has been almost 5 years now - 1/2 the length of my marriage - and I still get the twinges every now and then, I'm being honest here. It does go away fro the most part - for me, it wasn't the marriage that I missed so much, as letting go of my dream of having a happy, lifelong, marriage - that is what hurt- not letting go of the man, but letting go of the dream.

As for my kids, I asked them a question before making my decision...How do you feel when daddy talks to mommy like that? My oldest, then 7 - said, don't worry mommy, daddy doesn't mean to hurt your feelings, he is just teasing - I didn't want her to grow up watching her mom get verbally abused day in and day out and thinking that is what a relationship is.

My youngest, I hate him - I want to punch him...yep, that one made me cry.

And you are already at a better normal - didn't you get a new house with a whirpool tub or something (or do I have the wrong person?) - you are standing on your own 2 feet, you are protecting your children, you are living your life free from emotional abuse (which is what he was heaping on you by the truckload)!

[Mom2Deacon]

Yes - it does get better - for me, once I realized I was better off and happier on my own. It has been almost 5 years now - 1/2 the length of my marriage - and I still get the twinges every now and then, I'm being honest here. It does go away fro the most part - for me, it wasn't the marriage that I missed so much, as letting go of my dream of having a happy, lifelong, marriage - that is what hurt- not letting go of the man, but letting go of the dream.

As for my kids, I asked them a question before making my decision...How do you feel when daddy talks to mommy like that? My oldest, then 7 - said, don't worry mommy, daddy doesn't mean to hurt your feelings, he is just teasing - I didn't want her to grow up watching her mom get verbally abused day in and day out and thinking that is what a relationship is.

My youngest, I hate him - I want to punch him...yep, that one made me cry.

And you are already at a better normal - didn't you get a new house with a whirpool tub or something (or do I have the wrong person?) - you are standing on your own 2 feet, you are protecting your children, you are living your life free from emotional abuse (which is what he was heaping on you by the truckload)!

Yes I did find a rental with a whirlpool bathtub. Frankly, I view that as the universe's reward to me since I love baths so much ;)

My 6 year old, who was at the time 5, said, "Daddy used to like but he doesn't anymore. He is always so angry." This was when we were returning from our vacation. The majority of us at the time did not want to go back then either.

I probably miss the dream more than the man. I used to miss the man too but now it is more the dream. Also the fear that I am going to screw up my kids badly for this and also myself.

--Sara

[Lee]

Your not going to screw your kids up - at least not from this! It looks like they said it themselves on the return form the vacation. It may take a while for them to adjust - and you may want family counseling (me and my girls did for a year), but there is hope - my 12 year old just told me the other day that she is glad daddy and I aren't together anymore becuase we are both so much happier - I really think it is becuase I don't make her clean her room :rolleyes:

[Lee]

Oh - and it isn't even the same man you missed -at least not for me - it was the man I fell in love with - but he disappeared along time ago...

[Mom2Deacon]

Your not going to screw your kids up - at least not from this! It looks like they said it themselves on the return form the vacation. It may take a while for them to adjust - and you may want family counseling (me and my girls did for a year), but there is hope - my 12 year old just told me the other day that she is glad daddy and I aren't together anymore becuase we are both so much happier - I really think it is becuase I don't make her clean her room :rolleyes:

ROFL. The kids are in counseling with a counselor and I have my own counselor too. Psychology is my major so I take these things very seriously.

--sara

[Mom2Deacon]

Oh - and it isn't even the same man you missed -at least not for me - it was the man I fell in love with - but he disappeared along time ago...

EXACTLY!! That is who I miss. The man he was not the one he is now. I wish that man would never have shown up. The kids have told me that they miss the fun one. Not the one who ignores them and gets angry all the time.

--Sara