How did your kid's or your own dx affect your marriage/relationship?

[StillMamamia]

I think being hit on the head with the news that our babies (no matter how old) have a disease for which there is no cure (for now) just takes its toll on everyone...I know it certainly affected not only my outlook in life but how I relate to others, including my DH.

Now, a very personal issue I know, and I do respect if noone wants to discuss it, but did anyone's marriage or relationship suffer from these news? How badly did it suffer?

And for how many did the dx bring even closer?

And the children in all this?

Thank you as always for your input!

[ange_mom]

It almost tore us apart. My husband left for a month or so last fall. He is diabetic and the pressure having a son diagnosed with it as well was hard on us all. We had other problems as well, and this magnified them.
You need to be able to run to each other. I think we were both having such a hard time dealing that we only saw our own pain and didn't want to deal with each other's as well.
We are doing better, but the diabetes is always there causing strain. I find it hard to be a wife and not a mother to my husband when it comes to his diabetes. When he falls asleep on the couch and as he is tells you that he is fine, I hate being a nag, but then when you finally wake him and get him to test and he is 1.3 (about 20) and this is an almost weekly saturday occurance, it becomes frustrating.
They should have automatic marital counselling when a child is diagnosed :)

[zimbie45]

I think this is a great topic.. For us. It was hard in some areas, and made us a stonger couple in other areas. IT gave me alot of respect for my hubby.. HE IS DEATHLY afraid of needles and getting his blood taken... WE have been together for over 14 years and he has never gotten any type of injections or blood drawn.. SO when she was dx, i told him he had to get over what ever it was that bothered him.. that he had no choice.. And with that.. and it being his baby girl.. he has no issues with her and needles.. ( still himself).. He stepped up to the bat and did the 1st shot and finger poke too.. I was proud of him.. We have our moments still. and with having to work opposite shifts to take care of her.... It all takes a strain... I have heard that many marriages and relationships suffer greatly and alot do not make it..

[shekov]

WE are just into our second month and still having stress. I'm sure we always will and we're already developing coping skills. I'm a little hyper about the recording and scheduling of things (still MDI) while my husband tends to be more laid back. I do call him from work to remind him to test her and find out her #s. We talked about it so he knows now that it isn't that I don't trust him, I just need to feel like I'm in control of something I have NO control over or I'll go insane!:eek: I know that doesn't make sense but so far it works for us.;)

[Julie]

Excellent Topic!!

It had a really bad affect on us about a year into diagnosis, but now we are doing a lot better :) We do tend to fuss about "anything but" the topic at hand (both frustrated over D related stuff). Example: we got home from the hosptial Friday night (stomach flu sent us) and we fussed like children Saturday & Sunday! So silly, but we both realize it's just the stress making us more edgy, not really each other.

[rare]

It's been fine between us. The diabetes itself was never an issue, but that's not say other marital stuff doesn't cause problems, as is the case with most married couples. :p We were married very young. I was 19 and he was 23 (lol cradle robber). Our son was 6 weeks old when we married. I'll be 31 in August and he'll be 35 in October. :D

Mostly I handle all of the diabetes stuff. He works to support us and taking care of my son's needs is a full time job, so I haven't been working since his diagnosis. My husband wouldn't be able to take him to his appointments or deal with all of the nurses. He can't stop what he's doing at work to take phone calls. Plus he works overtime a lot of the year. I was a CNA before all of this so at some point I'd like to get certified again and go back to work per diem one or two overnights a week. The only strain it causes is a financial one because I'm not contributing income.

My mother who lives next door is a major problem. She won't make him count carbs, check his sugar, or get insulin. So he can just sneak off to grandma's and have something. She may or may not tell me he ate something over there but she certainly won't take charge of the situation. If she sees him giving himself an injection she'll start to act stank about it and turn her head or walk out of the room. It's ridiculous. She makes me so angry. I wish I could have her committed to a mental hospital. :rolleyes:

[twodoor2]

It's been fine between us. The diabetes itself was never an issue, but that's not say other marital stuff doesn't cause problems, as is the case with most married couples. :p We were married very young. I was 19 and he was 23 (lol cradle robber). Our son was 6 weeks old when we married. I'll be 31 in August and he'll be 35 in October. :D

I was trying to figure out if you were a man or a woman since you never mentioned it in your previous posts, and you don't have a signature, and I think that's a man in your avitar. I guess this answered my question!! :D

[rare]

The man in the icon is Mike Patton. He is hawt. :D

ETA: Let's all go on a journey to YouTube. Mr. Patton puts a smile on everyone's face. Let him make you smile too. :D

Singing some 70's song (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eXI47_URvmE)
The video where the icon is from *dies* (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H-ASvd9gGas)
He's hot even with singing with a respirator on his face (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9X_RYMU5ATE)
Another 70's song? (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qQjf0KEkUCg)
60's Italian music (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oMe3S2G5AlM)

[MamaC]

Short version? Amplification of an already strained relationship. Y'all don't need to hear 35 years worth (26 married) of history :(

~~Becky~~

[momtojess]

We were married very young. I was 19 and he was 23 (lol cradle robber). Our son was 6 weeks old when we married. I'll be 31 in August and he'll be 35 in October. :D



We married young too.. I was 17 and he was 19. We will be celebrating our 14th anniversary this summer.

The diagnosis didnt have a huge impact on our marriage. It was another topic to fight over in the beginning.. and even still now occasionally.

More then anything it made us learn to work together alittle better.

[rare]

We married young too.. I was 17 and her was 19. We will be celebrating our 14th anniversary this summer.

Oh wow, you got me beat. Yay for people getting married young and staying together. :D

[KeltonsMom]

At the time Kelton was diagnosed I was in a relationship, not living with the man just dating him. Kelton's diagnosis sure brought out that man's true colors, and we broke up a week or so after. He couldn't deal with any aspect of the D and told me I was being too cautious when it came to Kelton's care, and to let Kelton take full control over his disease (he was 10 at diagnosis)

So, I said bye bye boyfriend, I have a son who needs my help more than I need to date..

Now when Mark and I met he knew about Kelton's D and wanted me to teach him everything I knew about it so he could help me. That man was a fast learner, plus he is a take charge kind of guy so he helps out a lot with D care.

[Skyefire]

We are still new at this ourselves, but with Rob and I we have been trying, both tend to get cranky, more me then him, because of things that I want done a certain way, and quickly. Sometimes it is just the mom thing, but Rob is more laid back with Phoenix when it comes to food and how long it takes him to eat, which is not a good thing when meals end up taking an hour and half:mad: throws everything off. Rob as also started taking time off work, just when we need the money the most, which causes me more stress, snowball affect!! So last week I laid it on the line and told him, it has to stop, he NEEDS to work. going from a 50hr week pay to 20 is killing us, our bills are behind. I work everyday with the kids I babysit and dealing with his D and have not taken a single day off. Wow I think I should stop before I get myself going...lol

I must say, Rob has really stepped up to the plate in the care area, willing to test him, give him is injections and even take him for days to let me get a break, as well as take turns on the weekends by letting me sleep in so it has not been all bad, just the money thing, which is HUGE!!!

[frizzyrazzy]

I'd just like to thank everyone for being so honest. Even people who aren't posting, I"m sure are nodding their heads and thinking "yup, me too"

[coni]

Short version? Amplification of an already strained relationship.

Ditto. Although I was interested in working things out prior to DD's diagnosis as opposed to calling it quits, now I feel compelled to give my marriage my best efforts. There's so much more at stake.

It's not easy, and I can't say I'm in a happy space at the moment, but as with so many areas of life, diabetes has forced me to face stark realities and deal with it. I know diabetes has brought our family closer together. One day I may say it saved my marriage.

[WestinsMom]

We got married young too...I was 19 and he was 23. Westin was born a year and a half later. Then he was dx'd at 2 so we were still pretty young. It was hard dealing with a baby that young (can't imagine being a teen) and then to deal with a toddler with D was REALLY hard at that age especially. We have had a rocky marriage over the years, but I can't say that it was all due to D. D probably is what kept us together as I always had to think about how I would do it alone. I have been a stay at home mom since I was pregnant with Westin. So the thought of going to work and finding someone to care for Westin really made me think long and hard.

Our marriage is far from perfect but it is much better now than ever before. D still causes stress, as I do most the care. I like being in control (I have come to realize) but sometimes it still gets to me. For instance last night...I boluses Westin for supper (the rest of us had eaten earlier) and I told him it was ready. I guess he says he never heard me (damn xbox) and he came out saying, "Is supper ready yet, I feel low." I said, "What!? It has been sitting out here forever!" So Jason tested him and he was 43! After that I was stressed out. Well, I had started to unfray earlier with the 2 year old, but that really did it. It was down hill for the rest of the night. One thing after another. Seemed like everyone in the house was yelling the rest of the night...oh wait, we all were! :( It was a long night, none the less. What is it they say, "When momma ain't happy, nobodies happy!"

Tell me this, Westin decided to change his name on xbox live (it cost money none the less but he paid for it) and he and Jason went over names forever...trying to find the right one. So I assumed Jason was supervising the name change. Westin comes out and says, "Finally, I got a name that worked...it is (whatever)69" I looked at Jason, he looked at me. I said, "I don't like that name. You can't use those numbers." He looked puzzled as any 10 year old would. I said,"Those numbers have a sexual meaning. I don't want some weirdo's approaching you. It has to be changed." He started panicing, over reacting. Then it through me into a fit. We ended up having to spend OUR money to change it again. I was pissed. That on top of everything else, I was absolutely done for the night.

Sorry to hyjack! Anyway, we are still all on edge this morning.

[MReinhardt]

When Chell was diagnosed, my husband refused to go to St. Louis to visit her, and to learn about diabetes (he said he didnt want to drive in the traffic). However he would go to St. Louis to get cigarettes.

When Chell came home from the hosptial, had visiting nurse at the home (Dr. request-to have him learn about diabetes), he refused to learn, and made excuses that he could not read the needles, but he was able to read fine print off of other materials. hummmmm

But after almost 1.5 years after diagnoses, I kicked him out of the house (not due to diabetes issues, but other major, major issues). First of all, I dont think he ever wanted to learn about diabetes.

All of this was his issues, not ours, yes, it made care harder for me, and still is as now the girls are around me 24/7 and I do not get any type of a break. (long-long story involved with my girls life, our life, and all the care thats involved in both girls)

I would not change my love for my girls. They are pretty sweet and very special to me.

[Karenwith4]

I agree w the pp who said it amplifies what is already there.
The diagnosis made me realize all over again what a fantastic husband I have. We're rock solid and it is all because of him. Every day I am grateful for everything he does for us, the priorities he places on the things in his life and the way we can work as a team.

I'm sorry so many of you are struggling. I can't imagine how hard it must be.

[spamid]

A single perspective...
I actually think it is easier for me because my daughter's father has never been in her life, so there were never any expectations that he would help. I would not have made it without my family's help, though.

[Charmed7]

I actually experienced both situations of this. My son was born with a genetic skin disorder that almost took his life. I wasn't married to his bio-father, and we did not have a good relationship to begin with. But this was the straw that broke the camels back. I blamed "us" because it is genetically passed on. I didn't "love" him enough to accept our children will be "sick". I tried to work on it, but the other stuff made it easier to leave, which happened within the year of his birth. And that was the end of that chapter.

My DH raised my son as his own, and later adopted him. When our son was diagnosed with Type I Diabetes we became super strength to get through the initial phase. We leaned on eachother and held eachother up. It's always been interesting to me that when we are under a lot of pressure, one of us will ignore it while we become the support, and then we switch roles. It's like we put it aside for eachother, and recognize the other person needs the support too.

Now that things have normalized, I more or less keep my DH updated on D-Care. And I look to him for help analyzing numbers and counting carbs. He takes a back seat until I ask. Which is fine. Too many voices can be overwhelming too. But, like the other day, I was rattling off evening numbers and he said, "Wait a few more days, then make a change by increasing his basal by .05 and see what happens. But if he doesn't keep having the high numbers, don't change anything." So I know he knows what he's doing. And I go to him whenever I need that extra voice either agreeing with me, or giving me another perspective. And that goes for all of our sons conditions.

I don't think it's easy to do that. I think DH and I have something special. The other junk just doesn't get mixed in. I don't want to come off high and mighty, I'm just saying I know what we do is not easy. And I appreciate our relationship every day.

Charmed

[Julie]

Oh wow, you got me beat. Yay for people getting married young and staying together. :D

Wow more :)

We married at 18 and will celebrate our 22nd anniversary in July

[MelissaC]

You know in the beginning it was bad! For that person that said that the problems were amplified it mnade total sense..... aftermany ups and downs and a lot fo arguing fast forward to today and all is good... I think it has made us realize how vulnerable any marriage can be and we are both working hard to help our kids.

Last night was one of those nights where I had to be the go to... DH checked BS and she was 302 - had to give a correction at 11:30 - he came back downstairs and told me in this sad weak little voice how much it nroke his heart to see his daughter roll over and pinch her belly fat all while she is sleeping... i had to be the one to remind him of the good times and that it was ok to be heartborken - we all are - somedays I go to him (usually me!0 and others he comes to me... all in all he is a wonderful father to our kids and takes excellent care of Avery when I am away:cwds:

ok now i am sad......

[Caydens_Mommy]

In the beginning it brought us together as a family. We wanted to do what was best for our son and for us. Here lately things are a little uneasy though due to the fact that I am the only one giving shots and checking his sugar. Dad also has type 1 diabetes since he was 6 months old. Not sure if tis has anything to do with it, but it is still hard for me to be the only one doing it all..

[allisa]

Not really an answer but.......

My ex and I had been seperated for 6 months when Ty was diagnosed.

He said to me " Well, I guess we HAVE to get back together now".....SAY WHAT ??? How will that be helpful ??


LOL

[Noel]

For some reason, Keith (my DH) and I have always had a really good relationship. We don't go to bed mad, do lots of stuff together as a family, he is willing and able and does to help with all domestic stuff. Don't get me wrong, we disagree, sometimes agrue but overall a really good marriage.

We were together 7 years before we got married, and this year will be 12 years of marriage for us. We were both 28 when we got married. Aidan's dx'd didn't really cause any strain on us. I think the only thing I would have to say is that took away our "alone" time. We have never really been in the practice of leaving him with others much, and usually do things as a family vs. as a couple. I think every once in a while it would be nice to say go away on a vacation just the 2 of us, but that isn't the card that life has dealt us, so I try not to dwell on that.

Sometimes the person I feel the sorriest for is my older son Austin. Since Aidan and Keith both have diabetes he is sometimes feeling left out. So much of our daily routines and choice revolve around d I just sort of feel bad for Austin. A lot of times when someone asks him "do you have diabetes too?" he'll say "not in my body, but it lives in my life everyday" :(

[hawkeyegirl]

I really believe that Jack's diagnosis has brought my husband and I closer together. I don't think we've ever fought about Jack's care or had the stress of his care manifest itself in other ways. My husband has been 100% proactive in learning to care for Jack, and while I am his primary caretaker, I know my husband could step in at any minute and do just fine. He's awesome, and I couldn't be luckier.

[thebestnest5]

DH and I have what we refer to as a blessed marriage. I couldn't imagine going through some of the things DH and I have gone through without each other. Dx was not a strain on our marriage; but it was something that we had to go through together.

[buggle]

I'm new and this is my first post. My son was only dx'd a week ago, so we're in the initial stages. We've been ok so far as a couple. The stress was before dx. My husband didn't think there was anything wrong and thought I was being silly. He doesn't like taking our kid to the pediatrician's unless absolutely necessary, because there are so many sick kids there and our son picked up a nasty virus at the beginning of the school year at the ped's, which led to pneumonia.

When our son peed 4 times during the night, I wanted him taken in. When I picked him up after school the next day, he was drinking water as he walked up to me and had to go back in to pee. I called the ped's office that afternoon and had him seen the next morning. So, we caught it early -- his sugar was over 600, but there were no ketones at that point.

My husband has learned whatever the diabetes center wants. He gets annoyed with the obvious presence of the pharmaceutical and equipment companies. We both wonder if the kids are getting what's best or what the companies have pushed on the staff. We are both in the denial stage. I'm normally jumping into literature and researching when we have a medical problem. But this time, I haven't been able to face it. I had a hard time reading this forum and making myself post. All I want to do is cry and I can't do that in front of my son.

I do think my hubby and I will be ok through this. We've been married nearly 26 years (married at 20 and 21). We waited a long time to start our family and then we had problems getting pregnant. This is our only and much wanted child. My husband is grateful that I did persist and caught this early. I didn't really think Brendan had T1, but I thought it best to check to be sure. I'm still shell-shocked about the whole thing. Now I have the hard work of emotionally accepting this and pulling myself out of my depression to make sure that Brendan gets the best care. I've been going through the motions, but I really need to start reading like crazy and knowing as much as I possibly can about this disease.

[Brensdad]

I met my best friend on New Year's Eve, 1992, and our first date was New Year's Day, 1993. I was 18 (barely), and she was 16. We were married on June 22nd, 1996 and will celebrate our 12 year anniversary this June.

At diagnosis, we both saw the signs (she noticed the smell, I noticed her sucking the water out of her bath rag). We agreed that she should be seen right away and both had the same fear. At Dx, we ran the only place we had to run, to each other.

Over the years, D has caused a strain from time to time for sure. Amy is the one that cares for Emma the most, and I tend to defer to her thoughts, opinions, and strategies. I also tend to think that "bringing home the bacon" is enough, even when I know it really isn't. But we've been a part of each other's lives for so long, that we will always have the bedrock of our marriage to fall back on even with times are tough.

[Lee]

OK - my turn! My ex and I had been split up for a little over 1 1/2 years after 10 years of marriage. He was about to get remarried, and had moved 35 minutes away. We share custody 50/50 (WHICH SUCKS! and I would never recommend it!). The two houses were getting along and staying out of each others hair. He would complain about bed times at my house, I would complain about frozen meals at his - typical ex bickering crap! Then she was diagnosed. We moved to his school system for the nurse and to get rid of daycare. His now wife is a special ed teacher, so they could just get off the bus at his house (little did I know that I would be expected to pay their soon to be stepmom for watching them!). I was driving constantly and it really sucked...

Weeeellll, then things turn nasty! From constant picking on, I lived in constant fear that they would try and seek custody - just me being paranoid. We could never agree on anything - I would make a change, they would change it back, couldn't agree about the pump, # of carbs, nightime testing, etc. etc. etc...it took our endo yelling at us for well over an hour for the bs to stop. We will still disagree and fight...nastily...but I just keep reminding myself how lucky Coco is for having two parents that struggle so hard to take good care of her.

As for my partner, he wanted to come to the hospital when Coco was diagnosed. But I was so traumatized, plus having my ex; his fiance; and her mother and father there (my relatives are all out of town) - I just couldn't take it and told him no! I think that really made him take a back burner in care for the longest time - he finally admitted how much that hurt. Now, he is getting more involved. We do not live together, even though we have been dating for over 4 years. I am just not ready to have another man trying to control my life - even though I don't think he would - is that to much info???? I had supper with his family last night (kids had easter with dad - can you say 50% off all easter goodies for momma!) and his little sister's boyfriend was just diagnosed 1 or 2 months ago at the age of 33. He was talking about how bad he felt and how much he would like to meet my daughter, and how hard it was on him physically and emotionally, Dave just got up and left. I asked him why later on and he said he just couldn't listen to it...didn't want to face it. That made me tear up...

Sorry so long BTW!

[Hollyb]

Just wanted to respond first to Buggle -- one week in, everything is so overwhelming. How you're feeling is 100% normal. I remember every time I tried to read something they gave us at the diabetes clinic the words would just start crawling on the page and I'd start to bawl. The learning curve with this disease is very steep, but you don't have to learn it all at once. My good (and wise) friend sent me a link to this site soon after Aaron was diagnosed, with the words, "Probably too overwhelming to even look at right now. But when you're ready..."

Reading these posts, I realize our family was lucky in many ways. First, that Aaron is our youngest, with older brothers already heading into their own lives, so I haven't felt torn about neglecting other siblings to pay attention to the demands of the diabetes. Second, that Aaron was already a young teen and responsible enough to handle much of the care himself -- so we didn't have to worry much about his care at school or daycare or wonder where if we would ever have a babysitter for an evening off. Third, that John and I had more than 20 years together under our belt before this happened, and that we both work at home so can be readily available if Aaron needs us. We have our conflicts like everyone else, but this has not been a big strain on our relationship.

John is a very involved dad (was a stay-home dad and main caregiver for our kids when they were little) and I know that if I wasn't around he would step up to the plate with Aaron. That said, I have definitely taken the lead with the diabetes care, and there have been times when it felt like too much and I've said, "look, I need to know that if I'm away or get hit by a bus you can do x or y ." But most days, one person looking over his shoulder is quite enough for Aaron, so it's worked out pretty well.

[shekov]

I had a hard time reading this forum and making myself post. All I want to do is cry and I can't do that in front of my son.
.

Don't push yourself. It took me days of crying into my pillow so no one could hear me, or in the shower, or in the car if I was alone, or while reading posts here. Reading here helped me a lot. Then when I finally cried enough I started reading the stuff from the hospital. Then I bought a few books people had suggested on this site. Take it slow, give yourself time.;)

[Tigerlilly's mom]

No change here - DH was an a$$ before and continues to be one now.:rolleyes:

[buggle]

Thanks for the responses. I'll start a new post in a bit so I don't hijack this thread. I'll spend some time reading peoples' stories and getting to know people here. I already know what no one will understand how this feels except parents who are going through the same thing.

[Kiresten'sMom]

For us it brought us a lot closer in the beginning. We have a great marriage and the dx was a shock but we really leaned on each other. DH stepped up and helped al he could, goes to the endo when he can. Takes care of her so I can do something away from the kids, etc. The strain is always having the kids with us now. Before the dx, we occassionally went on dates, or a weekend away, and sometimes they stayed with grand parents overnite or for a weekend which gave us time alone. We have had one nite since dx in July 2006. We stay tired now or someone is sick so when we could have even an hour alone we go to sleep or feel bad. So it is straining talk time, snuggling, intimate time etc. we chose to have children and we love them with all of our heart so we will deal with what comes our way for now and reagain time in the future. may not be untilkids are grown and gone but thats life. :D

[Twinklet]

We had a pretty good marriage prior to diagnosis. Not perfect, but good. The hardest part is the time commitment D places on our lives: the logs, analyzing numbers, doctor appointments, and the millions of other things that go along with D. I often feel stretched to my limit both physically and emotionally, and have no time or energy to give to the marriage. We don't have family around to help, so that makes it worse. Sometimes I feel like DH is my brother and partner in parenting rather than a husband.

I am hoping this will ease up as Emily grows older. It's starting to get better. The one thing that makes a HUGE difference to me is that DH is 110% involved in Emily's care. I could walk out of the house today, unannounced, and he would be able to pick up right were I left off without missing a beat. He knows how to do absolutely everything D-related, and does it well. Because of this, I've been able to get away with my mom and my sister and that has helped a lot. Now if only we could find a 3rd adult to do this, then we'd be able to get away as a couple and re-connect. :cwds:

[sarahconnormom]

I don't think Connor's diabetes really changed anything for us as far as our marriage and relationship go. My husband has been T1 since before we met so we had always lived with it and both had always feared one of our kids may develop it also. Connor has always been our 'sick' one anyway. He has been on a ton of medicine since infancy for allergies, asthma, chronic sinus/ear problems and reflux. Our daughter has ADHD and PDD-NOS so we have always worked together where the kids are concerned. I do doctor's appts and he takes time off to care for them while they are sick since he has more sick days.
We actually diagnosed Connor at home using my dh's meter and took him to the ped the next day. We both struggled with accepting his dx but we tried to keep things as 'normal' as possible. Connor has never slept through the night in his almost 7 years so we were used to the tired part already. Right now I handle Connor's diabetes care and my dh handles his own. This is the way I prefer it for now. But, if I need to be somewhere dh can step in and do whatever is needed to care for Connor.

The only thing my dh and I actually disagree on regarding Connor is that dh says I tend to baby him too much. And I probably do but he is my baby.

[dqmomof3]

My DH and I were married when I was 19 and he was 24. Our sixteen year anniversary is next month, but we dated five years before we got married, so it's really been over 20!

As far as the diabetes diagnosis...I don't think it has detracted from our relationship, but I am not sure it's brought us closer together either. I think it is just being assimilated into our family's life, and we make adjustments accordingly. It has been much, much harder on me, though, from a day to day perspective.

We own a Dairy Queen restaurant, and although I don't have to do shift work there very often, sometimes I do when someone gets sick. I had to go in the other day and work at lunchtime because we were understaffed. The kids came with me (we homeschool) because they wanted to eat lunch. They get in line, place their order, and I go in the grill to help because we're so busy. Jayden went into the office and played on the computer after she ordered her food, but unbeknownst to me, she had gone ahead and bolused for her food, 100g of carb - 5 units of insulin. An HOUR later, I haven't even had time to take a breath in the grill (big customer orders), and she comes to where I am, bawling. Her bg is 53 - she never got her food. I feel like a complete FAILURE as a mother, totally torn between meeting my business needs (no customers, no paycheck!) and my daughter's needs. I got her food, she recovered, and all was well with her, but not with me.

So, my marriage is really, really good - we had our issues much earlier, before Jayden's diagnosis, and we did what we needed to do to grow and strengthen our marriage then. It is solid now, praise God - we are blessed to have each other and three great kids. My own roles, however, as homeschooler, mother, and worker, have become increasingly complicated and stressful.

Thanks for starting this thread! I think I'll start another on how it changes moms' lives.

[Jacob'sDad]

I think I could get along just fine with my wife if she would just stop worrying about EVERYTHING. She worries about EVERYTHING and she wants my opinion on EVERYTHING. She is also very involved with her friends so she can worry about their worries too.

Since Jacob's dx I have learned to try to focus on what really matters and not worry about small stuff. I don't have THE TIME or ENERGY to worry about small stuff. I try to convince her that she should try to develop the same attitude. I tell her that when you're constantly worrying about the future and thinking about the past, you cease to exist in the present. Life passes you by. She is known to her friends as someone they can tell their problems too. She will listen. She wants me to tell her all about the things I worry about. She finds it hard to believe that I really worry about so little. She thinks I bury it inside. I think I just put many things on the back burner. And many things can just stay right there as far as I'm concerned.

When I'm at work she will call me with every BG check and at every meal even though, for the most part, she knows what she should do. She just wants to make sure.

She does love me absolutely and totally. I just wish, more than anything, that she would just RELAX!!

[StillMamamia]

Thank you everyone for your open and honest answers...:cwds:
I'm actually surprised that so many have answered...I thought maybe this is was a too-private issue to discuss in an open forum...

My own marriage went through its ups and downs. Private time, what's that?? My DH's depression made me realize I can carry a camel, a horse, and the whole world if it needs be...but that I cannot do it alone all the time...luckily my DH is ok now, and I can breathe once in a while.

My son was dx Oct. 2006...that was the end of our previous life...and the beginning of our new one...together...luckily!

Thanks again!

[Burlew]

I have been married for 11 years. At the time Noah was dx we were....I was looking for a way out of the marriage. Selfish I can admit. I had lost touch with him and was going through some strange time internally. The night Noah was dxed I realized how much I needed him by my side and how selfish I had become. My kids needed us together also.

At this time we are working on it, and its not easy. I become frustrated with him and the back seat he has taken to Noah's care. Who knows how long it will last. :confused:

[twodoor2]

It really didn't affect it that much, we've been married 14 years, so if we didn't kill each other by now, I guess we won't. He does complain that I'm always on the computer though looking at my "diabetes website." :p Now he and Elizabeth joke around, "there's mommy on her diabetes website, hahahahaha." Elizabeth always gets a good giggle from that one.:rolleyes:

I'm sorry, after a very LONG day, I rather be here than watching 4 million Andy Griffith, James Bond, and Star Trek reruns like he does.:rolleyes:

[kajumom]

After my dd dx Sept. 06, dad evidently didn't "deal" well and didn't' really mention anything or talk about it. He didn't even really come to the hospital etc. But without knowing that he said he was depressed and did some very selfish and foolish things that left me sick for an nearly a year!

I was so very ill for with symptoms that nobody could figure out. I struggled to function as a mom and a person. I ached like the flu, had night sweats, lost lots of hair, headaches like migraines, odd swollen lymph nodes, liver screens were off, my blood work was off the chart, just to name a few. They thought I had Bechetts disease, they thought I had lymph cancer, they thought I had????? Finally after passing out in Costco (with severe dizziness , loss of hearing over the previous month) and 3 hospitals in 3 days, spinal tap, spinal patch etc....

My wonderful Dr. in Infectious disease at OHSU discovered that I had syphilis! Nice huh?!

It had gotten so bad, untreated for so long that it had attacked my nervous system and I would have died probably within a couple weeks. My hearing is now shot. I have permanent damage and wear hearing aids. I have a permanent sore back from the spinal tap gone bad but otherwise, finally healthy and very happy to have a new lease on life!

I spent a week in the hospital, a couple days in ICU and a week at home with a pic line still on iv antibiotics for a week. But lucky for me it is something that goes away and I don't have to deal with that (just all the reminders).

We did counseling and I let him move back home after 3 months b/c I wanted to work things out but he again proved himself to be self centered and got caught in a huge (yet stupidly innocent) lie and as of Valentines day is back out.

I have always remained strong for my 3 girls and know that I have to do what is best for them. Diabetes is not easy to manage. And not easy to do solo. However, when someone just isn't with the program and on the same page, it can be easier to just do it yourself.

I am not bitter or angry. Sad and disappointed but...

Yes, it was hard on our marriage. It may have already had some communication issues but nothing to warrant all this! Counseling is very important and helpful after something like a diabetes dx. Make sure everyone is on the same page and communicating and dealing.

So goes another chapter in this thing called LIFE! ;)

[alismom]

There hasn't been too much of a change in the marraige. We have been married 14 years. I guess the only thing is that we are much more tired and have less patience.

[RosemaryCinNJ]

Before I married my husband I already had a chronic illness that I was born with. I have an Immune Deficiency Disease. It just means that I do not make antiobodies and can't fight infections on my own because I do not have enough gammaglobulins so I get IV infusions every 3 wks at home and Im good to go. It did not affect my ability to have babies thank goodness. When Amanda was diagnosed with diabetes, it was a shock, of course and I was very sad and kept thinking "is this my fault?" but diabetes is autoimmune and my condition is not autoimmune.
There is stress of course, all marriages have that. More so when your child falls ill. But I think we realized that we were in this together and her life was in our hands.
In a strange way it probably brought us closer. Of course there are the days when I want to kill him still...just kidding...
We have been married for 10 years almost...
My favorite thing in the world to tell my little one (shes 2) is that "God made you extra sweet" ...in every way!!

Rosemary

[fredntan2]

My turn.

That first year was very hard on our marriage. Swear I was mad at him the whole year. did get better.

We just started back to marriage counseling last week.

My dh is not the easiest person to live with. we've been married for 20 years.I seriously considered leaving him last year, but It would be too hard on the kids if we seperated. and frankly he's hardly here anyway. and when he's here, he's not here. he's got his own issues.

he is good father though. and we're working on our marriage.

[LJS118]

My DH and I have always had a great marriage (I really feel blessed) He's my best friend. We started dating when I was 17 and got married when I was 23 and he was 25. It'll be 15 years this year.
As for D it made our relationship stronger.

[vettechmomof2]

it hasn't changed our relationship at all. we did not get much sleep before diagnosis due to working a lot and now we do not get much sleep do to working a lot(my hubie only now) and diabetes care.
Allene

[Jodi's dad]

Well we are not married but we have been together since we were 16. It has made things a lot worse. Our son was born about 3 months before Jodi was diagnosed and my fiancé was depressed from all the hormone changes then add this on top of it. We were pushed to the limit in our relationship but it didn't break us. Good luck to everyone the is also dealing with the struggles of life, keeps your hopes up and it will all work out in the end.:):)



Jason

[ScottB]

Hasn't really phased us a bit except for the need to work more overtime to cover the increased bills due to D care. We were definitely stunned when Justin was dx'd but the very moment the ER Dr. told us what was happening, I immediately started looking at it from a long term point of view and started thinking of how we were going to pull it off and feeling sorry for ourselves was not an option. Justin's ability to take D head on himself has made it SOOOO much easier on us in making the "D transition" a smooth one and yes, we are VERY lucky.

[LizinTX]

I am not so sure if it brought us closer together, or just "solidified" us. In other words we count on just each other (and, of course, GOD) to get us through.

Jacob was 5 and DKA when diagnosed, we were sent to pedi-ICU. It was our second day there when my Grandmother-in-law (Dh's Grandma) called me at the hospital and told me I was a horrible mother and daughter-in-law. She said that I should leave Jacob in the care of the capable doctors and go help out my sick mother-in-law. Now mother-in-law actually went and got married but told her mother she was sick, because she didn't want grandma at the wedding. And of course, mother-in-law couldn't come and help out with Jacob because she was getting married to a man she lived with for 15 years, apparantly another week or so would have been just too long of a wait.

When Dan found out about this stupid phone call, he went to the admissions people and blocked all calls to our room.

So diabetes just solidified us together. We did have moral support from my family, and they were a lot more willing to learn, but still it is my husband that I lean on first and foremost, and it is the same with him.

[Mom2rh]

I don't think D has affected our marriage. We work together pretty well. Dh is a retired veterinarian so has medical knowledge and a very analytical approach. He is the one who dx'd Ryan. I do most of the day to day stuff...but he's very involved. Ryan is 13, 11 at dx, so he's pretty self-sufficient with a bunch of help. Our 17th anniversary is this May. The issues we have haven't been exacerbated by D.

[shirley83006]

this is a good subject. i believe i have posted threads on this very same subject. our problem has not been actually the news of our child. we helped each other on that. but it puts a strain on our marriage when i feel like i am the only one taking care of her. and i mostly do. i have also been sleeping with my daughter ever since. she cant sleep alone. and i am afraid to let her if she wanted. my husband has not been too happy. that has been our biggest problem. i just wish he understood more. so i can ruin our marriage if we let it.

[Pavlos]

Skimming through this thread I made an astounding realization - I am one of the very few dads in this forum! Where on earth are all the other dads??? Hellooo???

To answer the original question, our daughter's D has brough my wife and I even closer. We enjoy spending quality time as a family :cwds: and have stopped missing the forest for the trees :)

[ROVERT81402]

In the very beginning, it seemed like it was pushing us apart, because I was, and still am, obsessed w/ D and it seemed like he didn't even give it a second thought. But now, 6 months later, I realize that he's just scared, but he is trying to make sense of it in his own way. He helps more now than he did in the beginning, but I still do most of the D care, and I'm ok with that. It has definately brought us all closer, as a family. It just makes you realize what is most important in life.

[Momof4gr8kids]

We already had issues before Julia was dx'd. I can't say that diabetes didn't add to life's stress, but it really didn't change anything as far as our relationship.

I'm in the middle of seperating now, and I have to say that the thought of doing it all on my own is a huge fear. So diabetes has added to that part of it.

[Illinifan]

I answered a similar thread about if D had caused divorce this way:

As of 4:40pm on Thursday, March 27, 2008...not yet. ;)

We got married young too. I was a few days of turning 20 and my bride was 18. We waited 7 years to have our first and that was a good thing. We celebrated 24 years this past Feb.

[Erin Grace's Mom]

Our first child (non-D) was born with a critical heart defect. He was flown by helicopter to a children's hospital for surgery. He is fine now, but this event brought my husband and I closer.

With our second child and D, we remain close, but have less time together. :( I am very proud of my husband. He is WAY squeemish and had no problem giving Erin shots or poking her finger. I asked him how he handled it and he said "if she has to take the shots, then at least I can give them". I thought this was really great.

[lisalotsamom]

When Tessa was diagnosed, we had been married for almost 20 years and had 6 children, but this was *the* biggest challenge we had ever faced. We were both shell-shocked, but dove right in and learned it all together. I never felt that John wasn't doing enough or leaving it all to me.
Fast forward 3 1/2 years and just recently we had a heart-to-heart about me feeling overwhelmed with all of the diabetes stuff. I was feeling hurt and resentful that he wasn't taking a more active role.
I do the majority of her care since I'm home full-time, but was also doing 90% of the night checks, all of the site changes, and the only one doing any reading and learning about more than the basics. So, he's made a real effort lately to step up and do more. He's even read this board a few times and has learned some new info.
I am fine with doing most of the care, but strongly feel that Tessa deserves at least 2 people (no one else helps with her care, no family or friends) that are up-to-date on everything and can do all aspects of her diabetes care. I also wanted him to be more of a partner in making decisions about diabetes care, instead of him just taking my directions.

[Denise in CT]

In the very beginning, it seemed like it was pushing us apart, because I was, and still am, obsessed w/ D and it seemed like he didn't even give it a second thought. But now, 6 months later, I realize that he's just scared, but he is trying to make sense of it in his own way. He helps more now than he did in the beginning, but I still do most of the D care, and I'm ok with that. It has definately brought us all closer, as a family. It just makes you realize what is most important in life.

Thank you for posting. I have been the only caregiver to our daughter since diagnosis just a week ago. Now this has mainly been because my husband was at sea (Navy) and just came home yesterday. (He did get a message regarding her dx, but was unable to leave the sub.) I have asked hubby to read some of the information that the hospital gave me and to watch when I mix and give insulin, or watch kathleen when she tests. I have been thoroughly annoyed when he has avoided it altogether.

I know he has to get used to it in his own way and time, but my patience is thin. Thanks for reminding me that he is scared and feeling helpless. However, will he ever realize that I am too???

[OSUMom]

Thank you for posting. I have been the only caregiver to our daughter since diagnosis just a week ago. Now this has mainly been because my husband was at sea (Navy) and just came home yesterday. (He did get a message regarding her dx, but was unable to leave the sub.) I have asked hubby to read some of the information that the hospital gave me and to watch when I mix and give insulin, or watch kathleen when she tests. I have been thoroughly annoyed when he has avoided it altogether.

I know he has to get used to it in his own way and time, but my patience is thin. Thanks for reminding me that he is scared and feeling helpless. However, will he ever realize that I am too???

Denise he's probably preoccupied with his own feelings. Maybe open up to him and tell him your feelings in a non-threatening way if you're able. I'm sorry about your daughter's diagnosis. I hope everything is going okay with her. Those first months are particularly hard.

I'm amazed how open everyone has been here. Can't say I can be so open. It's very heart-warming though reading the sweet stories of couples so close. Those of you are very blessed. :cwds::cwds:

[Julie omaha]

So since Jack was dxd my hubbby who is a great dad started out being very helpful. Now I think due to me being nervous and a bit over protective all of the care falls on me. When Jack has a low or is too high I feel like he thinks it is my fault. The other day he said are you trying to kill our kid, when he went low after guessing on carbs at a party. I am so mentally exhausted from being the one to care for Jack. We have not gone out with out the kids since dxd and I think this is a strain too but non of our friend are willing to watch him. They are scared, it is sad but I am almost releived when my hubby leaves, when he is here I get angry bcuz he does not know what to do with
d and makes me make all the decision. I love my husban just hope this does not tear us apart.:(

[StillMamamia]

So since Jack was dxd my hubbby who is a great dad started out being very helpful. Now I think due to me being nervous and a bit over protective all of the care falls on me. When Jack has a low or is too high I feel like he thinks it is my fault. The other day he said are you trying to kill our kid, when he went low after guessing on carbs at a party. I am so mentally exhausted from being the one to care for Jack. We have not gone out with out the kids since dxd and I think this is a strain too but non of our friend are willing to watch him. They are scared, it is sad but I am almost releived when my hubby leaves, when he is here I get angry bcuz he does not know what to do with
d and makes me make all the decision. I love my husban just hope this does not tear us apart.:(


First of all, hugs to you. It is such an overwhelming impact on ourselves and our relationships, IMO.
I understand you feeling protective. We all do. It is hard to let someone else take over and trust that person enough. But it is something we have to do someday. I think the best thing to do is to have an honest talk with your husband, letting him know how you feel. Try to focus on your own feelings and not accuse him of not being more involved. I'm sure he would like to take over more, just sometimes 1) dads have a very difficult time to deal with such a heartbreak and 2) us moms unconsciously put up a barrier in our efforts to protect our child.
You love your husband and I'm sure he loves you too. You both love your child and you are a team. You need each other. Allow yourselves the time to be ready to move forward. Keep the discussion open, and perhaps ask your husband if he would like to join CWD. There aere other amazing dads on board, who can give him a boost like dads know how to do.
I'll be asking my husband to chime in too. He doesn't post much, but I think a male point of view could help.

Thank you for being so open about your situation.
Hang in there. It is not easy and you will manage.

[zell828]

My husband and I went through a rough patch in our marriage about 11 years ago. He went into a major depression because I have epilepsy and wasn't getting treatment for myself (I was in denial). We also didn't think we could have kids because of my epilepsy (my first doctor told me this :() and DH wanted kids very badly, we even tried for adoption. Long story short, his depression "woke" me up and I have now been seizure free almost 10 years :) However, while in his depression he had an affair. He leaned on someone he thought he could talk to because he couldn't talk to me at the time. He got the woman pregnant.....hence where my SD came into the world. He "snapped" out of his depression when the woman got pregnant. We ended up staying together (through counseling and realizing the affair happened due to many outside things, not because DH was chasing skirts so to speak) and we went for visitation of the child (our visitation started when she was 5 months old). I didn't get along with the BM at all in the beginning for obvious reasons. She never apologized to me, never took any responsibility for what happened, basically told me she wasn't married to me so it wasn't her fault. My DH fell apart when it happened as this was not the type of person he was. I knew he was sorry and it affected him for a long time (the guilt). But we got through it and 2 years later we even had our own son (who is now 6)! Having SD in our life has actually been a blessing in disguise. I guess things happen for a reason. Our 2 kids are our entire lives! We live for them each day. It has brought our marriage and family very close. We have now been married 17 years. When SD was diagnosed, we cried together, we leaned on each other, it brought us closer too. DH has told me many times since then he realizes just how much SD means to me because he sees me educating myself on this and taking good care of her. Since dx I think it brought us closer to BM too. It is 10 yrs later now and she never would acknowledge me before. She pretended I didn't exist. Now we are all there for my SD. We attend classes together, we were at the hospital together, we talk about D together, we made the decision to pump together. We help each other out. We have all put SD first. It is a good feeling and nice to see we are all adult enough to deal with this. We have in the past never put SD in the middle nor brought bad feelings to her of what happened EVER. In fact, every teacher each year would compliment us on how happy and well emotionally rounded SD was, we prided ourselves on that. But now I think it is even better. We do have ups/downs with each other as 3 parents, and that is normal, but all in all it is all good. So I believe D has brought not only my DH and I closer, but our family and the relationship BM has with us and we have with her :)

[jwk's mom]

No change here - DH was an a$$ before and continues to be one now.:rolleyes:

Ditto at my house.