help! At a cross road with in-laws

[Ella's mom]

Not sure where to begin but hopefully will make this as short as possable and easily understandable:o

My in laws live about 1 1/2 hours away. Not a close feel good type of relationship between myself and in-laws. However for our children's sake like them involved with thier lives!

Ever since Ella was dxd (4 years ago) in-laws have had a very reserved take on her diabetes. Although this past summer mil came and watched the kids a few hours twice (once was for a wedding and other was car shopping!) Brent, my husband went over things with his mom and she indeed did BG checks, carb counts, and worked Ella's pump. However both times where uneasy and since then the learning cure is still very high!

Fast forward to this summer! Our oldest has for the last 3 summers gone to in-laws house for 1 week. Ella is of age as our son was when he went his first time. However in-laws are in no place to have her stay with them. We as a couple are in agreement that our son shouldn't be able to stay with them since Ella won't be able to. (will be another issue to work through with our son:( when the time comes) Wondering what other families have done in simialar situations. We are open to Ella staying with them after in-laws have learned to care for Ella's diabetes! I do understand that in-laws might be fearful and may even not want to have her overnight.

I am open to hear any ideas or thoughts to help us process how to go about working a solution with my in-laws:cwds:

[WestinsMom]

I just have to say I feel for your situation. My kids don't spend hardly anytime with any grandparents...not sure if D related or not. But my father, who lives in Florida now, wants to spend all this independent time with the kids and he has no clue what to do with Westin. I have avoided it at all cost and have been successful so far. As Westin gets older it probably wouldn't be such a D issue anymore, but more a "don't want to leave you alone with my children" issue.

I don't know what to tell you. My opinion is to not let anyone go until all can go. How they prove they are ready to take care of Ella? I have no idea.

[Ella's mom]

Thank-you Michelle:cwds:

Of course looking back may never have started with Dylan staying the week with them but can't change that now:o

[subway13]

Our grandaughter is 9 years old we have taken care of her overnight since she was about 4. We learned as we went to take care of her blood sugar and insulin. Her parents always kept a cell phone with them for questions as they live 5 hours away. When she was 5 her mother became very ill.So we took both she and her younger brother for 3 months. It was challenging but we did it. Since then we have been able to have her anytime we want for vacations, holidays, and just visiting for a few days. We count carbs, keep charts, go to the doctor and anything necessary. About three weeks ago her mother is back in the hospital and seriously ill. She is back at our home and thank God that Diabetes care is not an issue. She needs us to care for her and we are happy to do it.

Parents please if you can help another family member learn how to care for you child do it. You never know when an emergency may come up. Our grand-daughters health issue are great. But, right now they are only secondary to the fact she may be facing her mother's passing.

She is tested up to 10 times a day and takes 6 shots. If she would have ended in a foster home--they may well have placed her in a care home.

No one wants that for their grandchildren.

[Ella's mom]

Hi subway13, so glad you are taking such great care of your grandaughter! Sorry to hear of her mother's health.
Welcome by the way- I see this is was your first post:cwds:

[EmmasPapa]

Not sure where to begin but hopefully will make this as short as possable and easily understandable:o

My in laws live about 1 1/2 hours away. Not a close feel good type of relationship between myself and in-laws. However for our children's sake like them involved with thier lives!

Ever since Ella was dxd (4 years ago) in-laws have had a very reserved take on her diabetes. Although this past summer mil came and watched the kids a few hours twice (once was for a wedding and other was car shopping!) Brent, my husband went over things with his mom and she indeed did BG checks, carb counts, and worked Ella's pump. However both times where uneasy and since then the learning cure is still very high!

Fast forward to this summer! Our oldest has for the last 3 summers gone to in-laws house for 1 week. Ella is of age as our son was when he went his first time. However in-laws are in no place to have her stay with them. We as a couple are in agreement that our son shouldn't be able to stay with them since Ella won't be able to. (will be another issue to work through with our son:( when the time comes) Wondering what other families have done in simialar situations. We are open to Ella staying with them after in-laws have learned to care for Ella's diabetes! I do understand that in-laws might be fearful and may even not want to have her overnight.

I am open to hear any ideas or thoughts to help us process how to go about working a solution with my in-laws:cwds:

Wow! This is a tough one that my better instincts tell me to "leave it alone!" Unfortunately I have always been short on better instincts and tend to rush headlong into controversy - so here goes.

1. The issue of not allowing your non D son to visit seems to be detrimental to him. Assuming he has a good relationship with the grandparents, I can't see punishing the boy for his grandparent's sin. Rather, I would explain the issue to Ella, who would probably instinctively understand why she is treated differently, as a "training issue" that you and her grandparents are working on.

2. I absolutely do not understand the grandparents! If their health is good and they don't have any physical limitations that would hinder their ability to provide care - they should JUST DO IT! It is stressful, but it is not rocket science - they can learn. Especially when they are so close (geographically) to you and your husband.

See if you can get them to read the posts on this forum by grandparents and other family members who do help out. Point them to a couple of posts that I and others have written about our experiences during sleepovers.

They are wasting valuable time they could be spending with a grandchild and missing out on experiences that neither of them will ever forget. I would hate to go to my grave knowing that I didn't spend as much quality time with my grandkids as possible.:(

Good luck and squeezes to your kids...

[Ella's mom]

EmmasPapa! Thank-you for your insight:cwds:

The biggest hurdle will be once the talk of Dylan going to grandparents house and Ella realizes she isn't going once again:rolleyes:

Deep down I would be willing to stay half a week. But not ready to put myself with them for a whole week:eek: That way Dylan still has somewhat the same routine and then Ella will be able to join in.

Tomorrow will be the next time we see in-laws and thinking summer plans will be brought up. So tonight hubby and I have a bit more visiting to do to come up with our game plan;)

Do have to share my mom is in the know with Ella's diabetes! They keep Dylan and Ella over night often. We truly are blessed knowing full well there are many families who have no grandparent involvment.

[Ella's mom]

Wanting to give an update!

As it turns out Brent called and talked to his mom on Friday night. We realized that the risk of little ears hearing a conversation about diabetes and spending the night would not be a good thing. His mom was open in hearing what Brent shared with her! She was not on the defense and understood where he is coming from. They talked that with each time we visit he would walk her through Ella's diabetes care.

As it turns out Dylan won't be going to their house for a week (goes when their church holds its vacation bible school) because we as parents are going to be in Hawaii:D Dylan and Ella are already set-up to be cared for by my parents! So phew Ella won't be dealing with why is he going and not me.

I am proud of Brent he over-saw Ella's diabetes all day yesterday while at in-laws house. He showed mil again how to bolus and when getting meals/snacks ready he walked her through carb counting. Will be intresting to watch and see how this chapter turns out:cwds:

Another tib bit:o
my bil was born two months early (30 years ago), had growth issues, docs always wanted him to be eating, later in his life went on growth hormone shots. I understand and acknowledge that that was a huge event in their life. I have lots to work on as she compares bil and Ella's situation like they are both apples:eek:

[CAGrandma]

With the advantage of 20/20 hindsight the solution - communication between your husband and his parents - sounds brilliant.

You did mention that you have issues with your MIL comparing her experiences with your BIL and your daughter's diabetes. It is very possible that she is simply trying to let you know that she has empathy for your situation because she also had a child whose health she worried about. She may not be thinking of the diseases as equal to each other at all. It could also be that she is looking for common factors to make it easier to understand and identify with you - different diseases, different problems, different risks, but both situations have a child with health issues, parents have to be alert and aware of food intake, increased responsibility over and above 'normal' parenting, fear of doing something wrong, etc.

[Ella's mom]

CAgrandma, thank-you for your insight!! I do see and understand your thoughts of her trying to identify with what we are going through. However to be 4 years into diabetes and not seeing the seriousness of it is what brings me to frustration.

I have come to realize that every family has a situation to them that is their hurdle. Whether it be diabetes, asthma, chronic ear infections, in-grown toenails, or bed wetting there comes a point that if you only draw on your own expericence without taking a good look at what your friend/family in this case grandaughter is going through it gets very old!

Communication is most diffently lacking! We as a couple are growing leaps and bounds together.....so now the overflow of that is Brent communicating with his parents. The work has begun and there won't be a quick fix. Just like anything else consistency will pay off:cwds:

Thank-you for all of your helps and insights!

[Nonni]

My grandson was diagnosed Feb. 8th "07 at 21 months. I am a single Nonni (grandmother in Italian), so when I take care of Quinn, it is me and him. I moved here (Minneapolis, MN) from S.F. California, my home town, to be with my son and his family in "05 when Quinn was 6mos old. Quinn and I have a special relaltionship, he is a person, a child and my grandson in that order. I took care of Quinn many times before he was diagnosed. After the diagnosis, I was encouraged to watch him and carefully instructed with respect to his diet and blood test. I don't feel confident enough to give him shots. Its not the fact that I might hurt him. It is because my eyesight is not as good as it used to be.
Your callousness towards your Mother-In-Law (Father in law too?) really got my goat. I may be wrong but judging from my own feelings, I am going to go way out on a limb and say that these people love your children in a way that you cannot even begin to know. You will be a grandparent one day too. And only then will you understand and probably regret, the way you felt towards them.
What is the big deal about letting one child go to to see them when the other one can"t. Children need to know the real situation. If it is not explained to them, they will invent their own version. That could be really damaging. Tell them the truth, you will never go wrong telling your children the truth with kindness and compassion.
Read the forums between the kids. They are realists. They know what is going on and most of them express gratitude towards their parents and others who care for them. There is no self pity when they speak. So give your kids their due.
Hiding behind a conveniently timed Bible Camp; wow!

[CAGrandma]

I don't see what useful purpose would be served in telling a young child that their grandparent doesn't want to have them visit because of their diabetes - something the child doesn't choose to have and can't do anything about. Having the disease is bad enough, why let them believe that it is what is keeping them from doing fun things with their grandparents? Or are you suggesting that the 'truth' to tell them is that Grandma is just not willing to learn to care for him?
Sometimes the 'truth' is better not spoken.
As to being callous, it is possible that the grandparents are totally warm and loving people and simply misunderstood. It is also possilble that they aren't.

[Nonni]

I don't see what useful purpose would be served in telling a young child that their grandparent doesn't want to have them visit because of their diabetes - something the child doesn't choose to have and can't do anything about. Having the disease is bad enough, why let them believe that it is what is keeping them from doing fun things with their grandparents? Or are you suggesting that the 'truth' to tell them is that Grandma is just not willing to learn to care for him?
Sometimes the 'truth' is better not spoken.
As to being callous, it is possible that the grandparents are totally warm and loving people and simply misunderstood. It is also possilble that they aren't.

Key words are Truth with Kindness and Compassion. You are assuming too much. Your first sentense totally missed the mark.
Why does diabetes have to even be part of the conversation? All children, with or without Diabetes, act independently of their siblings.
I am not suggesting that the "truth" is that Grandma is just not willing..........". I am not suggesting anything, except to keep in mind how the children will interpret the behavior of the adults in their world.
THe simple fact is that Brother is visiting Grandma and Grandpa?

[Ella's mom]

Hi Nonni,

Believe me I am not a callused person by nature however going through this over years times has created calluses! That is why we as a couple are navigating our way through this issue. I have held my tongue greatly in posting this issue.

We all go through situations differently. I understand you would do it differently then what we are doing and I accept that.

Heck yes I am using our trip to Hawaii as a shield to our son not going to visit in-laws while Ella still at this time would not be able to go! It is buying us time so in-laws can learn. I think you are missing that this is a working situation not a knock down drag out in me refussing Ella to go to in-laws! Although it would be nice to snap our fingers and have in-laws trained and ready to have her over night it just is not reality and will in this case take plenty of time!