How do I get DH to be more involved?

[lil'Man'sMom]

My DH is a hard working husband and father when it comes to his job...works six days a week, 8-12 hours a day to provide for our family. So I try not to over work him at home. We both have our own responsibility's when it comes to D , mine 95%, his 5%. Yes I do work, I am self-employed so my hours are more flexible and far less then his. I have always been the main care taker of our children and love doing so but I want DH to be more involved in D. Not to think morbidly but what if something were to happen to me? As you all know our children need care beyond the typical parent roll.

So how do I get him more involved without over loading him? His main roll right now is Lantus, he draws it up and injects it before bed. He knows how to check bs and can give Novolog when asked. He does not understand how it all works, not that I understand it all yet either but I am making it my priority to educate myself.

An example would be tonight the meter test strips needed to be changed, ( we have the Compact Plus) he has done this before but never remembers how so I always have to walk him through. He gets up for work between 3:30-4:30am so I asked him if he would mind doing a bs check before he goes to work, I check around 12:00-12:30. His response was that he has a hard time getting himself out the door... I just wonder if he just does not want to check or if he is fearful of not doing it correctly. I would go over it again with him, even show him how to do it so lil'Man doesn't even wake-up.

I could go on and on...but I know I need to tackle this in baby steps. Any ideas or experiences to share?

[Mom2Will]

I somewhat had this same experience with my hubby. I have always taken care of appts, homework for the kids, for him, etc. I've always taken the reins, so to speak, so when the big D showed up, automatically, I took over because that's just how I am. However, this can be so very overwhelming that finally, I asked hubby to please do everything with me so that together we could figure this out. He did and has done so and in doing this our two teens jumped on the band wagon too. Mamaw and Papaw joined in the fun and now everyone in this house and one more now has the capability of tending to Will when needed. I make a point to leave Will every once in a while just to make sure we are all on track. I used to get phone calls about an hour after I left now I find myself making the phone calls:rolleyes:

Hubby and I will be married 19 years in July so it's been a long time together just as you and your husband. I believe marriages that have lasted as long as ours and yours can get through this together and become stronger because of it. I forgot to mention I work full time and hubby works from daylight to dark 5-6 days a week. It can be done with a few compromises. Good luck, he'll come around just talk to him open and honestly.

[shekov]

I recently posted about this too. I finally asked my dh if he would do more D are with me so he would be more comfortable. He replied that he's fine with everything but has a very hard time with night time bg tests...sleepy wiggly girl...tired bleary-eyed dad...dark. I took over night times and he immediatly became more relaxed about other stuff. I don't think he'll ever be as comfortable with it all as I am since I too do 95% of the stuff but he's better.:D

[zell828]

I think it depends on the man. My husband has always been "domestic" (for lack of a better word). He loves to go grocery shopping, regular shopping, and he has always been very helpful at home (cooking, cleaning). So when his daughter was diagnosed, he was right there too. He knows what to do about everything. The only thing is he doesn't really read or research like I am, but when I do, I then tell him what I learn. He has never been a reader. When we have my daughter it is both of us taking turns at the BG tests, giving insulin, etc.

I think it really depends on the type of man and if they will do more or not. If they are "domestic" they will automatically jump in with both feet. If not, then they kind of expect the wife to do it since women in quite a few households take care of the kids. The best advice I can give is probably just communication. Be honest with your feelings and don't let them grow or resentment to kick in. Most men will help if asked. They usually just don't think they have to or need to until they are asked.

[mikesmom58]

It is very important for both parents to know how to care for the diabetic child. That being said, it sounds like your husband's intentions are good but he does have a huge responsibility to his job as well. He probably trusts you with your role in your son's care and knows he's in good hands. It will take time for both of you to work out a routine, this is all new to you. I don't think it's something he doesn't want to do, he may feel everything is being well managed by you and is relieved that he can provide for the family knowing your son is getting the care he needs from you. We have been married over 25 years and we each have our own share of household duties. Since I'm home more than he is, taking care of Mike's needs is something my husband appreciates and expects from me.

[Kirsten]

I'm also a take charge kind of person and I have a scientific background, so i tried to handle D care pretty much on my own, especially since every time I asked DH to help out he would claim and display complete incompetence (same thing with laundry:rolleyes:), but D needs to be fully understood by both parents or one will go completely crazy.

After 4 months of this, I had an emotional breakdown of sorts and had to sit DH down for a serious talk. I had cut him some slack because his mom had died from complications of T1 at age 53 and whether he wanted to admit it or not he was really thrown by DS' dx. But you have to be able to feel comfortable leaving your son with him, so you can get some type of a break. Is it possible for him to take some time off of work to really learn how to care for your son? It is just SO important for the whole family.

IMHO, it is not particularly onerous for your husband to take 5 min to do a BG check before leaving for work. I work full time with a 1.5 hour commute each way and I get my D son ready for daycare every day.

GL,

Kirsten (married 16.5 years)

[lil'Man'sMom]

Thanks for all the advice...

To his credit we stopped checking at night a few months into D (per Endo) so he doesn't understand why we need to check twice a night again. I have a better understanding now, after research and joining CWD plus I think the honeymoon is ending so I want to check just for the knowledge of #'s at night. Knowledge is power (not much power with D) so the more I know the better we can care for lil'Man.

[momandwifeoftype1s]

Can he be in charge of prescriptions? Refilling them? Picking them up? Even that is helpful.

[Mary Lou]

I can understand both sides of the "since your up at that unGodly hour, why don't you do a BG?" and "it's hard to get out the door."

My DH works two full-time jobs and is always working. The primary care for kids and home does fall on me. That's just the way that it is. I think sometimes it can be intimidating to do things with us watching. We get lots of practice in private and make our share of mistakes. With our husbands, they don't often have that luxury.

Your DH sounds like a great guy. I would suspect that if you asked him what he was comfortable starting out with, you will find a pattern of D care together.

it takes you both. Sometimes, you just need someone to understand and verify your decisions. Sometimes, you don't know what to do. Sometimes you are just too damn tired to think straight. Every now and then you need some time off, too.

You've been married a long time. If you approach D care in the same way you've crossed other hurdles, you'll figure it out.

I always have to remind myself that my DH still, even after 14 years, cannot read my mind! :D:eek:

[taximom]

You've gotten a lot of great advice from everyone else. I just wanted to add that I'm in a similar situation. I do most of the care, etc. Also, because DH works long hours and travels. I also think that he feels I am more of an "expert" on this, since I read more books about D and have time to be on this website and others, researching, etc. Maybe you can give him a copy of "Think Like a Pancreas" or another one that he can read in his "spare time" (I know there's not much of that). He may feel more empowered with more knowledge about D.

The last business trip my DH went on I sent "Think like...." with him and he read the whole thing. I think it really helped. He seems to really be more interested in DS's BG #'s and getting his dosages more precise, counting carbs better, etc. He just seems to have a better understanding of it all after actually reading for himself and not just hearing my side of the story.

[Mistync991]

ahhh i have both extremes ..i have been happily divorced for going on 5 years now and my x has always been very ..um how is the nice way to put it in the picture but not really there...as in he does as little as possible and its always been more about the money for him ..too bad she wasnt born a girl guess she would have mattered more then ...anywho before i get off on a tangent on that topic ...i have my new love of my life fiance that is there and willing to learn as much as he can and come to as many apt.s as he can do any testing i need him to or give shots..what ever the whole 9 yards ..the apointments he has missed were because he could not take off work due to the fact that a week and a half before my dd was put in the hospital during her dx he himself was in the hosp. for 6 days and just dosent have any time left to take ...then we get to her actual dad ..well i should say her father it takes allot more than blood to make someone a dad ...he nore none of his family came up there the 4 days she spent in the hospital, i dont get calls to check up on her to see how she is doing he has yet to make any of the many many apt's we have had or come out to our home when the nurse has come out and could do some teaching there ..when i talk to him he is actually being nice and seems like he wants to know but then when it actually comes to making time -0- nothing ..so therefor no going over there for her anytime soon and not just him but grandma and girlfriend need to get trained and educated to do the things to take care of her also but nooooo it dosent happen ...the only thing he has done is come out yesterday for a short ammount of time while her kids path nurse was there to get some injection teaching and be able to go over some things with her but she only has a short ammount of time ...guess its a step in the right direction but a very small one...and its not like we just have her d to deal with i have endometriosis, fibromialgia, ibs, overactive bladder, migranes, and more all caused by the endo and my fiance has chrones disease so he really needs to step up to the plate and finally be a "dad" ...pluse she misses him :(

[mom2one]

I am a sahm so I am the main person "in charge of d care" which is fine but like you said "what if", trust me I have thought about this a lot, escpecially with a new baby coming and my son having to be cared for by someone else. My husband owns 2 businesses so he is very busy as well and i don't want to overwhelm him. So what I do is make sure DH knows excatly what is going on with ds insulin doses at all times, (we do shots)mind you he'll ask everytime he doses up the lantus "how much again"! I also always write down the changes in the book as well in event that neither of us are there. I also have meal ideas up on the fridge. My dh comes to all the D training classes with me so that's helps. It doesn't help that I like to be in control either :o I am not sure if my post helped at all except to let you know that I have the same fear. I honestly think if it came down to it our DH's would handle it just fine, and if not the clinic is just a phone call away.